Salty slab of not quite bacon —

Mocking my every taste bud?

I take comfort in the fact that I can buy a spam musubi from any 7-Eleven in Honolulu. If I need a pick-me-up or just something to fill my tummy, I head to the local convenience store and purchase this Hawaiian staple for just $1.09.

Spam is good prepared in other foods too, like next to scrambled eggs for breakfast or in fried rice for dinner. It really is the other white meat — except it’s pink.

And there is a reason why we Hawaiians love spam to such a degree that we consume more of it than any other locale in the world. (Almost 5 million cans of Spam are purchased per year). As the major Pacific port during World War II, spam was brought to the islands by the boatload mainly because it didn’t require refrigeration and it provided protein and sustenance for military personnel. For nearly 60 years now, numerous spam dishes have been invented and several continue to be special local recipes.

To be honest, though, I am only partial to spam musubi, which is really just a warm sushi. If you’re brave enough, here is my personal recipe to try it for yourself.

SPAM MUSUBI

Makes 16

Ingredients:

3 cups uncooked short- or medium-grain rice

4 cups water

4 sheets of sushi nori (seaweed in big squares)

1 12-ounce can spam

1/4 cup soy sauce

1/4 cup sugar

Water

Instructions:

1. Prepare rice.

2. Cut nori into quarters.

3. Cut spam into 16 thin, rectangular slices. In a large un-greased frying pan over medium heat, fry slices until brown and slightly crispy. Remove from heat.

4. In a small saucepan over high heat, add soy sauce and sugar; bring just to a boil, then remove from heat. Add spam slices to mixture.

5. Place spam on top of ⅓ cup of cooked rice and wrap with seaweed.

Enjoy!

So we’ve been looking at Craigslist Missed Connection posts, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And now I’d like to address an animal of a different color:

THE POEM.

Oh my yes, the Missed Connection poem. Some poor guy gets it into his head that writing a creepy-ass poem about the object of his affection (emphasis on object–it’s all about what he saw on her the one time he saw her, obscured by the drool creeping up from his mouth into his eyes. yes, that’s how much he drools) is the way to her heart.

Because women really love creepy love poems dedicated to them on craigslist. Observe:

Hilarious Craigslist Missed Connection:

A single strand of carelessely flung hair – m4w – 28

You shake light across your shin leather boots

at this foolish man – so eas’ly dismissed.

Humiliating. Freaky. Delightful.

Okay. I admit it. I frickin’ love this.

I mean, it’s a terrible poem. I mean, terrible terrible. But the sentiment is oddly sweet, if horrifyingly obnoxious.

And of course, if it were directed at me, I would ignore it.

Would you date this dude?