I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Reality TV shows are, in general, pretty awful.  Yes, I do get some satisfaction from seeing Speidi flail about in the jungle, but most of the satisfaction I get from reality TV comes from seeing D-list celebrities I hate fail miserably at life.  One of those D-list celebrities is Bret Michaels.   Another would be Billy Ray Cyrus (I know he’s not on a reality TV show, but it’s coming…I’m sure it’s coming).  It’s tough to say which one is more retarded, since the rate at which both losers attempt publicity stunts makes my head spin and therefore makes it hard to think clearly.  However, I’ll do my best to clear up this pressing issue.

Love Life
Bret Michaels is a whore.  What’s worse is he’s a white-trash whore.  I mean, everyone who’s seen Rock of Love (in its many incarnations) knows that Bret likes the ladies and he likes ‘em slutty and slightly dirty looking.  I don’t know if it qualifies as a “love life,” but he sure gets around.

Billy Ray Cyrus is married.  Surprised? Me too.  He’s mostly seen around his daughter, Miley, so it seems his duties as a creepy father are intruding on his love life.

Point: Brett Michaels. Dude, give it up.  No one except gold-digging skanks want your old, dirty ass.

Fame Whorishness
Bret Michaels is a major fame whore.  He was in a crappy band and is now in his 37th season of a dating show that throws all of his former groupies at him one disgusting, siliconed, sticky bunch at a time.  I’m pretty sure any “talent” he had is now gone.  You never can tell, though, because there’s always a tramp or three hanging off his lip.

Billy Ray Cyrus is a really creepy fame whore.  Not only is he always around his daughter Miley, he’s always in her TV show, her movies, her songs…seriously, step off!  Your time is done!  Go grab a bottle of whiskey and put Achy Breaky Heart on repeat to remind you of the good times.

Point: Billy Ray Cyrus. Mooching off your daughter’s success just to be in the spotlight?  Lame.

Family
Bret Michaels has two children. What! Someone procreated with that man?  I hope that his children don’t have cable, because if I ever saw my father doing anything remotely close to what Bret does on Rock Of Love, I would literally kill myself after barfing up my internal organs.

Billy Ray Cyrus has a famous daughter and some other children.  Seriously, how would you feel if you were one of the forgotten Cyrus children?  What do they do when their father and sister are out making fools of themselves at photo shoots and on movie sets?  Well, without those two crazies they probably lead normal lives.  Good for them.

Point: Bret Michaels. Nothing good can come from the seed of that man.

Talent/Career
Bret Michaels has talent…and that talent consists of making slutty, white-trash girls act even sluttier all in an attempt to get in bed with him (even though he is dirty and old…can’t stress that enough).  Poison sucked.  Yeah, I said it.

Billy Ray Cyrus had one hit song and then a lot of barely mediocre songs.  Now he’s not making songs and just feeding off the success of his daughter.  Some career.  Still love me some Achy Breaky Heart, though!

Point: Bret Michaels. His lack of career is more pathetic than Billy Ray Cyrus’.  If that’s even possible.

Celebretard Prize Goes To:  Bret Michaels...and overwhelmingly so! There is literally nothing I like about that man.  I think he may have some real mental issues…as in a complete lack of intelligence.  At least we all got the satisfaction of seeing Bret getting his face rearranged by stage equipment at the Tony Awards (well, those of lame enough to stay in and watch the Tony Awards, anyway).  Ah, satisfaction.

But let’s get started, shall we?

Episode one is almost aptly named ‘Back on the Horse.’ Certain gossip blogs were kind of enough to post pictures of the contestants before the show’s premiere. Neigh. Is that the sound that horses make? It’s been a long time since pre-school.

I must admit that I was pulling for Brett in the first season. Despite the fact that Poison sucked and that he at times looks like a transvestite when he removes the bandana, I thought among the strippers in the house he’d find one with a heart of gold. Well, he did, but I digress…

In the beginning of the episode, Brett pulls up to the mansion and his hair looks like it was made in the Mattel factory. The girls don’t notice how unnaturally long or synthetic it is and cheer upon his arrival.

First girl I notice: Daisy. Her face reminds me of a blow up doll with those crazy injected ‘O’ lips. Brett gets down to business and singles out four of the twenty girls; the remaining 16 enter the house and immediately start drinking. You know it’s not even 11 a.m. up in that biznatch.

The four girls who were selected were seemingly up for dismissal, but it is a new season, my friends, and it turns out that they are VIP girls, with their own special VIP room and VIP gifts and VIP time later on with Brett on a make-out couch. Don’t even ask me about the other three VIP chicks because Daisy’s busted face is the ultimate diversion. The only thing that pulls my attention away from that mess of face is her announcement that she and the other three are ‘very important p****.’ If that’s not class personified…

Brett photographs the girls a la season one. It’s pretty standard until the French Angelique is up. Trantastique!, I say. Upon seeing the pool Angelique states, “I am going to have sex wis Brett in zis pool.”

My favorite girl is Kristy Joe because she has a “germ issue” and wiped Brett’s mouth before giving him a small kiss and I high five her in my head. She’s beautiful, so Brett overlooks her very rational fear. But really, KJ, WTF are you doing on Rock of Love if you’re germ phobic? Didn’t you watch the first season? Or see Brett’s Pam Anderson sex tape?

(I wish that Nick Lachey had done one of these shows after he and Jessica split up. It could have been called “98 Degrees of My Heart” or something like that and I so would have tried to be on that because he’s hot and I bet you $5 that you don’t need to bathe him in Clorox before you kiss him.)

VIP time and Megan is first. She’s a model. I’ll be sure to look for her on 3wisheslingerie.com after this. Destiney made a random bandana for Brett, which I’m sure he’ll never wear. You know that he couldn’t put it on in front of her because that would be exposing weave tracks.

Erin, my favorite VIP girl, is the last one to get her time. Erin is a super adorable rocker looking chick who could potentially be the Jes of this season. And then she talks. I don’t understand how Brett could be so bored listening to someone wax philosophical about how myspace taught her about the world.

After VIP time, it’s a free for all. Girls are kissing Brett; I think that some are kissing each other and I want to hose them down with penicillin. Out of the skank pit emerges Catherine, a 45 year old mother of two, who is so sweet that the people at VH1 who edited this episode dropped in some nice guitar music in the background while she speaks.

Finally, elimination time arrives– five are going home. Brett comes out wearing a ton of bronzer and laments that eliminations are so hard and blah blah.

After choosing 14 girls, only one pass remains. It looks like it’s between Erin and Jackeye (hurry up, Brett, I’ve got a paper that I’m neglecting).

Unfortunately, Erin and rock star hair must leave. I’m sure she’lll find solace and even more education in myspace.

My super early prediction is that germphobe Kristy Joe and Daisy the Blowfish will be the final two. Until the next episode, when the girls are challenged to do a peep show and my eyes get gonorrhea.