I hate Halloween. I have always hated Halloween. One of the first pictures anyone ever took of me is in a pumpkin costume at age 4, crying my eyes out. I don’t hate other people who like Halloween, but the holiday itself makes me so pissed that when prompted to write a Halloween article I refused to write a positive one.

So if you want to hear about why Halloween rocks you should go somewhere else because I f*cking hate it and I’m about to make you hate it too by listing some reasons why it’s terrible and should be canceled.

Costumes: Yah, I said it. F*ck costumes. I have never trusted motherf*ckers in costumes. Why are you wearing that? People in costumes can do anything they want, and often do on Halloween, because it’s basically the official Holiday for burglary and assault.  That’s really what I want, a day where it’s impossible to spot criminals because everyone is wearing a godd*mn mask.

I don’t even like people at Disneyland and sh*t wearing costumes. Ask any nerd which day was the worst in high school and I guarantee you that Halloween is up near the top of the list. “I sure wish I knew who was beating the sh*t of out me right now, beyond ‘guy in gas mask’ and ‘guy in hockey mask!’”

Additionally, wearing costumes is probably the most uncomfortable thing ever. It’s hot and you can’t hear sh*t and you can’t run away from other people in costume without making a ridiculous shuffling noise. F*ck costumes. Unless you’re on a stage or in a movie, no costumes ever. Street performers shouldn’t be allowed to wear costumes. No one. EVER. Read More »

I have this distinct memory of being 6 years old and covertly trying to chew the hair of my Strawberry Shortcake doll. She smelled like chemically enhanced cupcakes, and I wanted to know if she tasted that way too.

She didn’t.

Even though she was devoid of sugary hair, I loved my Strawberry Shortcake, as well as the Saturday morning cartoon she starred in. All of her friends were named after cakes and pies, and that was awesome. Plus, all they ate seemed to be cake and pies. And S. Shortcake was covered in sparkles. Sparkles and cake. What else could a girl ask for?

Apparently, these days, girls ask for a lot more. According to the New York Times, toy companies are trying to update old 80’s brands for today’s kids who are way more media savvy than we ever were. Strawberry Shortcake no longer spends her days talking to her animals and making muffins. Now she has a cell phone. Oh, and all that cake and pie talk? Outlawed.

“…In keeping with contemporary nutritional concerns, the franchise will downplay the sugary dessert theme and move…“fruit-forward.”” Read More »