So a big part of the Master Cleanse is expelling the toxins you loosen while doing it, otherwise known as pooping. So last night before bed, as per Stanley Burroughs’ instructions, I tossed back a cup of herbal laxative tea (hilariously named Chocolate Smooth Moves, no joke) and went to sleep. Then this morning I woke up and, also as per Stanley Burroughs’ instructions, fashioned myself an “oral enema” – a quart of water with 2 teaspoons of uniodized sea salt dissolved in it – and chugged it. That’s right, while my roommate sat muching her bowl of Kashi Cinnamon Biscuits, I had 4 frickin’ cups of salt water for breakfast.

Immediately after guzzling the truly foul concoction, I supposedly had an hour in which I would be pooping my brains out. As I had developed a stomach ache and was kind of hating life, I opted to spend this hour taking a nap, during which I had a dream that I was eating a Subway Veggie Sub, only to realize halfway through that I was supposed to be Master Cleansing and got really pissed at myself. I woke up starving and made myself a lemonade, then promptly fell back asleep. I woke up at 12:15 in the afternoon without having pooped at all, nor having any need to.

Well, at least I drank all that salt water. Read More »