Dear “That Guy”,

Your ability to drink in excess and ruin 95% of pictures taken at parties gets me hot and bothered. I think it’s uhh… adorable that you maintain your appearance to the point where I question your sexual orientation. I guess I respect the fact that you tweeze, bleach and pluck more than me. The fact that you care about your “fresh kicks getting smudged” more than your future or GPA is super sexy…?

Babe, what happened to you? Before you became “that guy” you were once “just one of the guys.” You were playing Madden instead of photoshopping your Facebook pictures. You couldn’t tell Armani from Target. Your cellphone lived in your pocket instead of clipped to your ribbon belt, and for the love of God, why are you orange-r than an Oompa Loompa?! I liked you without your bromosexuality. I’m not interested in the Brody Jenners or the Gotti wannabes!

Why does your tee shirt have more sparkles on it than Limited Too’s entire Spring Collection circa 1998? These glittery numbers are worsened by being “slim fit” to show off your “killer pecs.” Maybe they work for Hulk Hogan, but they don’t work for you and they definitely don’t work in public. Do society a favor and wear clothes that fit. And if your shirt has a collar? I don’t care if you’ve been popping it ever since you can remember. Old Yeller that nonsense. Put. It. Down.

Take out your Bluetooth headset. Kudos if you use it in your car – safety first. But, that blinking blue light glued to the side of your head while you’re out and about, especially waiting in line at stores (most likely Armani Exchange or Abercrombie and Fitch), makes you look like an ultra douchebag. I am laughing at you. The store clerks are laughing at you. Humanity as a whole is laughing at you. Leave the damn thing in the glove compartment of your car.

What the hell is on your head? First, turn your hat frontwards. Backwards hats were cool for Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit. Ten years ago. Secondly, what kind of hat is it? Baseball hat? Fine. Trucker hat? Toss it out. Ashton Kutcher threw out his, and he was like the Dane Cook of the ’90s. Douche of the decade. Plus, enough with the pre-frayed brim! How do brims even get frayed in the first place? What did you do with yourself to even get a frayed brim? Walk head-on into a concrete wall multiple times? Drop it on a belt sander in shop class in high school? Jesus Christ!

Which brings me to your hair. If it’s longer than your chin, you probably need a haircut. If it’s gelled to the point where you look more like your front lawn than a dude, lose the L’Oreal. Shaggy is cute, spiky not so much. Also, quit it with the weird chin pubes. They’re itchy and freaky and especially way gross if they’re flesh colored a la Spencer Pratt.

Darling, I like you for you. Not your ill-fitting clothes and designer flip flops. Hell, I’ll let you continue to tell your stories about your drinking glory days once in a while, but please consider at least some of the previous advice, chill out, and leave the metrosexuality and manscaping where it belongs. On Bravo.

Lots of love,
Melanie

[This story was originally posted by Melanie - Northeastern.]

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

"I don't know her. Seriously, I don't know this woman."

While waiting at JFK for my ride not too long ago, I was passing the time by sipping on some much needed coffee and people watching. Airports, with their mix of cultures and characters, are the best places to people watch.

All was going well until…out of nowhere…I saw it: a fanny pack.

I fought hard to keep that mini bag of in-flight pretzels down as I watched the dreadful fanny pack pass by. I just couldn’t understand it; fanny packs have been publicly bashed since the early ’90s, why do people insist on wearing them?

But fanny packs aren’t alone. There are so many fashion choices that people make that leave me wondering, WTF?! Sure, these things were cool 6 seasons ago, but time is a-passing, honey. Come join me in 2009.

Fanny Packs

I get that they’re useful, but a purse is just as effective. Fanny packs have been ripped on since as long as I can remember, so why are they still being produced? Those people should be fined for distributing such fashion atrocities.

Reverse-fit Mom Jeans

What’s worse than a fanny pack? A fanny pack over reverse -fit Mom jeans. I know you know exactly what I’m talking about: wide on the top, tapered on the bottom, reminiscent of Hammer Pants. They were a mom’s answer to jeans back in the early 90s, but fashion has evolved since then. There are no excuses. None.

Scrunchies

Scrunchies are OK for one thing and one thing only: washing your face. Yet even after Carrie Bradshaw announced the nation’s disdain for scrunchies to anyone with HBO, people are still wearing these things out of the house. Are you people gluttons for punishment!?

Popped Collars

Popped collars were all the rage in 2005, meant to signify some sort of “I’m the sh*t” attitude. But it’s 2009 now, people, and everyone knows the only thing a popped collar signifies is a major douche bag. Yet the douche bags of the world are still starching and layering those things. When will they learn?

The Rocket Dog Wedge Flip Flop

The women still rocking these beasts 1) are fashion morons or, 2) love when their legs look totally stumpy. Either way, these things should be burned.

The Mullet

Business in the front, party in the back. Great concept, horrible style. Much like the fanny pack, the mullet has undergone much controversy and bashing, yet there are those who still insist on rocking this party-gone-awry. If you want to look like a carnie, fine. There is clearly nothing we can do as a people to eradicate the mullet from our lives.

Can you think of any others?

I felt bad for the kid. Here he was, thinking he was lookin’ all cool in his pink and purple shirts while the rest of the world pointed and laughed. (And by “rest of the world,” I mean “me.” I couldn’t help it! He was wearing white loafers with them!) I wanted to reach out and give that kid a much needed makeover, but I was also late for a manicure so I just sort of let it go.

But now I want to give back. There are so many things that guys don’t know or understand. Whether they are getting bad information, or ignoring the good information that they get, guys are constantly misguided. This week I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share the most important piece of wisdom they would want guys to know. Pass this on to any and all men in your life – they need it. Share your own advice/thoughts in the comments section below!

Laura – St. Johns: Don’t fart on me. Seriously, my boyfriend did this last night and almost died.

Brithny – Duke: PMS stands for Permissible Man-Slaughter and also Preposterous Mood Swings. So during that time, please forgive us for anything crazy we may do. And lots of wine and candy would be nice too.

Charlsie – Hollins: When you are in a relationship, the number of people your girlfriend has slept with before you has no correlation with how much she loves you, adores you, and wants to be with YOU. Don’t bring up the past — she loves YOU!

Lauren – University of Michigan: When you are workin’ on a lady with your hand, deeper does not mean better. You are not a gyno…and we don’t really want you to be.

Caitlin – University of Alabama: If I’m on my period, I generally don’t want to have sex.  And I don’t feel like giving a bj, either.  I’m bloated and cranky; give me chocolate and keep your pants on.

Thu – USC: Little things mean a lot. Leaving her a short note or text to wish her a good day, bringing her a treat after a tough day at work, or renting her favorite movie when she’s sick. Little things make a huge difference.

Liza M – Minnesota: We’re crazy all the time, not just when we’re PMS-ing. Sorry. But we do respond well to presents…

Kari – FSU: Don’t go snooping around our underwear drawer thinking you’ll find all things racy and lacy; more likely than not you’re going to find our Spanx and/or granny bras…enjoy imagining us in THAT.

Maddie – Tufts: Don’t forget about the date! Sex is great and lying in bed all day can be fantastic, but sometimes we gals need to be wined and dined, and there’s no better way to bring new life to your relationship than by a surprise date night.

Lauren H – The New School: Never, EVER be naked with socks on. Quite frankly (as much as I appreciate the male body and all of its fun parts) it’s not the prettiest thing to begin with. And no one, no matter how hot they are, looks good with just socks on. You have to take off your shoes to get the pants off, so just take off the socks with the shoes. Very simple.

Ricki  – University of Michigan: Girls always appreciate the little things…if you can’t hang out with your
girl, text her telling her you miss her.  Ask how her flight was.  This stuff takes about 3 seconds via text and reminds the girl, hey he does care about me.

Cristina – Michigan State University: Background music is always better during any deed.  The louder the better.  Maybe the bass would even be an aphrodisiac. Keep that in mind, sir’s.

K – GWU: Communication is so simple but so overlooked by guys. Want us to do something different? Be more involved? Be less clingy? Not be a part of your life? Whatever…tell us. I can do a lot of things but I can’t read minds.

Kiki – University of Missouri: Please don’t call them “tits.”

Sara C- Fordham: Guys, please stop using hair gel. I’ve never seen it look good on anyone. Gel does either of two things for you–one, it makes your hair look like a grease-combed patch of grass, or two, it does absolutely nothing for your hair, so you’ve just wasted your time and money.

Kim – University of Delaware: Don’t keep us waiting. We are an impatient breed when we’re put on hold. If you want to hang out, text us back (or better, text us FIRST). If you say you’ll call later, CALL LATER. We only will wait around for so long before we get bored and find the next in line. Forgetting or being busy is really no excuse at all but, more so, our cue to peace out and move on.

Kelly – Simmons University: Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want, your partner can’t read your mind.

And now from a dude to us….

John – UConn: Step one to finding a good relationship: don’t go looking for one. The more energy you expend sniffing around for a sweetie, the less energy you’ll have to be an interesting human being. Nothing says “bad boyfriend material” like desperation, except open sores that smell like cat food.

Your ability to drink in excess and ruin 95% of pictures taken at parties gets me hot and bothered. I think it’s uhh… adorable that you maintain your appearance to the point where I question your sexual orientation. I guess I respect the fact that you tweeze, bleach and pluck more than me. The fact that you care about your “fresh kicks getting smudged” more than your future or GPA is super sexy…?

Babe, what happened to you? Before you became “that guy” you were once “just one of the guys.” You were playing Madden instead of photoshopping your Facebook pictures. You couldn’t tell Armani from Target. Your cellphone lived in your pocket instead of clipped to your ribbon belt, and for the love of God, why are you orange-r than an Oompa Loompa?! I liked you without your bromosexuality. I’m not interested in the Brody Jenners or the Gotti wannabes!

Why does your tee shirt have more sparkles on it than Limited Too’s entire Spring Collection circa 1998? These glittery numbers are worsened by being “slim fit” to show off your “killer pecs.” Maybe they work for Hulk Hogan, but they don’t work for you and they definitely don’t work in public. Do society a favor and wear clothes that fit. And if your shirt has a collar? I don’t care if you’ve been popping it ever since you can remember. Old Yeller that nonsense. Put. It. Down.

Take out your Bluetooth headset. Kudos if you use it in your car – safety first. But, that blinking blue light glued to the side of your head while you’re out and about, especially waiting in line at stores (most likely Armani Exchange or Abercrombie and Fitch), makes you look like an ultra douchebag. I am laughing at you. The store clerks are laughing at you. Humanity as a whole is laughing at you. Leave the damn thing in the glove compartment of your car.

What the hell is on your head? First, turn your hat frontwards. Backwards hats were cool for Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit. Ten years ago. Secondly, what kind of hat is it? Baseball hat? Fine. Trucker hat? Toss it out. Ashton Kutcher threw out his, and he was like the Dane Cook of the 90′s. Douche of the decade. Plus, enough with the pre-frayed brim! How do brims even get frayed in the first place? What did you do with yourself to even get a frayed brim? Walk head-on into a concrete wall multiple times? Drop it on a belt sander in shop class in high school? Jesus Christ!

Which brings me to your hair. If it’s longer than your chin, you probably need a haircut. If it’s gelled to the point where you look more like your front lawn than a dude, lose the Loreal. Shaggy is cute, spiky not so much. Also, quit it with the weird chin pubes. They’re itchy and freaky and especially way gross if they’re flesh colored a la Spencer Pratt.

Darling, I like you for you. Not your ill-fitting clothes and designer flip flops. Hell, I’ll let you continue to tell your stories about your drinking glory days once in a while, but please consider at least some of the previous advice, chill out, and leave the metrosexuality and manscaping where it belongs. On Bravo.

Lots of love,

Melanie

Exploring all the pop cultural guilty pleasures, memorable products and people, disgraces and debuts, fads and fashions, scandals and sensations.

With clever and over-animated comedians dissecting and reflecting on everything from metrosexuals to Dance Dance Revolution to Sudoku, you can’t help but giggle at the off the wall and politically incorrect observations. In honor of the show, I decided to take a yummy walk down pop-culture memory lane from 2000-2004. Here are some of my personal favorite memories from the new millennium…and the ones I despise.

New Millennium Favs:

Napster- The inspiring illegal innovation that started it all. Thank you, Shawn Fanning, for changing the musical and digital landscape.

Uggs- I don’t care how hideous they are and how far-gone the trend is, these babies keep my tootsies toasty on the way to class or, if I’m feeling really lazy, at the bar.

Crazy astronaut lady- The mildly-disturbed NASA astronaut reaffirmed my faith in equal opportunity insanity by proving that not just us common folk, but also those blessed with insanely high IQ’s, can go absolutely bonkers and lose their marbles.

Tivo & DVR- Oh, how sweet it is.

Zoolander- This brilliant satirical Ben Stiller flick poked fun at male models, the fashion industry, and most importantly, gave us ‘Blue Steel’.

iPod- What exactly did we do before these magical pocket-sized miracles? Does anyone remember the Discman? I rest my case.

Harry Potter- I’ve never read the books nor seen the movies, but anything that gets kids excited about reading is kick-ass.

New Millennium Not-So-Favs:

Fauxhawk- Along with popped collars and trucker hats. Please…no more.

The rise of Bill O’Reilly- Radically right wing, this guy always reminds me of someone’s delusional, deranged grandpa, spurting and mumbling nonsensical absurdities and ranting about the downfall of society.

Janet’s Boob Pop- The drama surrounding the infamous areola accident was overblown and nauseating. Seriously, can everyone please get over nipple spillage incidents? (Editor’s Note: We have much larger word issues to worry about…like the rise in vagina flashing, lately!) Fifty percent of the world population has a set of female breasts; let’s not be fourth graders about this.

“Wazzzup” commercial- This commercial was amusing for about five seconds — before every frat boy, soccer mom and middle-aged business man drove it straight into the ground.

Big Mouth Billy Bass, The Singing Fish- Much like a hungover person awakes to question and regret their behavior the previous evening, I can only hope that the millions of people who bought this highly annoying novelty product soon came to their senses and tossed that fish back to sea (sorry, couldn’t resist).

“I’m Rick James, bitch”- Though I was a huge fan of the Dave Chappelle show (before he lost his mind and moved to Africa), this overused Chappelle-ism became a part of our daily lexicon and managed to become one of those uber-annoying catch phrases.

Clay Aiken & William Hung- I don’t get it. I’ve never gotten it. And I want it to go away.

Identified by his spiked hair, popped collar, big muscles, and a tan that looks like he just spent the last two months in the Caribbean, he is a guy that people really love to hate.

In fact, people love to hate this guy so much a video tribute was made to celebrate the very essences that makes this character so unique. Check out the video, and for bonus enjoyment check out the spin-off editions, odds are you probably have seen those guys, too.

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