Well, this kid's screwed.

Sixth grade was a rough year for me. I was sitting at the semi-popular table at lunch and was delusional enough to think I was the cat’s pajamas. Looking back, I simply was not. Maybe because I used phrases like “the cat’s pajamas.”  And now, a Swedish study is telling me that my unpopularity will cause me to suffer from heart disease and diabetes later in life and I will most likely start doing drugs and try to kill myself.

If I had known this when I was 13, I would have combed my hair on a more regular basis.

The study, which is most definitely making me want to eat enough candy to put me in a diabetic coma/do drugs/crawl into my bed and cry, was done by Stockholm University and the Karolinska Institute and assessed children in sixth grade for their degree of “popularity, power and social status.”

Now, I have to ask: What kind of power were they expecting from a 13-year-old child? His ability to convince a girl in his class to go 7 Minutes in Heaven with him?

Popularity is such a trivial theory. And no, I’m not just saying this because I’m bitter that I’m at greater risk for alcohol dependency than others. Popularity in middle school ran parallel to who had the best desserts in his or her Power Rangers/My Little Pony lunchbox. By eighth grade, you were considered a cool girl if you had boobs and a cool guy if you were allowed to touch them. If you made it to second base, you were destined to be popular in high school. And if you went to an all-girls high school like I did, well no one was popular in that case. Read More »

Seriously, how awkward is the break-up convo? In the words of 90s one-hit-wonder Nada Surf, “even if you’ve gone together for only a short time, and haven’t been too serious, there’s still a feeling of rejection when someone says she prefers the company of others to your exclusive company.”

Sometimes, I think finding out that your mate has cheated is a blessing in disguise, because you can sidestep the entire “this isn’t working” discussion and end things in an explosive fight instead. Of course, for those of us who just had to choose nice, faithful boys, it can be hard to let the poor guy down. So, we make up excuses. Sometimes we even lie. Read More »

Apparently the people over at WE think that they’re onto something new by revealing “the truth” behind high school on the new show High School Confidential. Well shocker; it’s not all peachy f*cking keen.

I’m sure you could have stopped any kid on the street with a skateboard or girl buying leggings at Forever 21 and they could have told you that, on less of a budget.

The only real surprising thing about this show is that the girls were so candid on camera. They were truthful about things that most girls wouldn’t want their parents knowing, but since the show follows the 12 girls for four years, by the time their parents view it…they’ll be old enough to not have to explain themselves and their bad behavior. Except of course if there’s a baby involved within the four years….they may have to explain that… Read More »

I’ll never forget that fateful day in art class, senior year of high school. This (pardon me if I seem rash in this titling) bitch named Ashlee was in my class. She was cool in the sense of…not cool at all, with a god awful short haircut and horrible highlights and delusions that her Nike sneakers with Mudd flares threw her into some high fashion club.

She was also dating a guy–the quarterback (of course)–who had secretly had a crush on me (a fact I didn’t find out until college).

The quarterback and my sporadic and subtle flirting, combined with the fact that she hated me for not kissing her ass, lead to Ashlee on a mission to make me cry. And one day; it almost worked.

There was a spider in our classroom. Ashlee flipped out in the typical “popular” girl fashion (“oh my gawd, oh my gawd! Do something!“), and I told her to chill and went to pick it up to put it out the window. I squated down to let the spider walk onto a piece of paper and suddenly, there was her ugly grass stained Nike sneaker…smashing it on my hands. I wanted to cry but instead I stood up and said,

“God, you’re such a bitch.” Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 106

Mood: Confused

“It’s cold outside, huh?”

Rebecca and I walked slowly down a carpeted corridor, our boots scratching softly on the grey rug. My cheeks stung from a wind that had moved completely into winter, stretching the skin too tight against my face.

“It’s freezing. Winter’s really here, I guess.” Rebecca kept talking, all the energy she had kept bottled up during our shopping trip pushing out and covering my silence.

I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure I could say anything. By the time Rebecca stopped and knocked on a door covered in paper flowers, I was sure I had gone dumb with anxiety.

“Okay. Ready?” Rebecca cleared her throat, her mittened hands opening and closing.

Before I could answer, the door opened, almost as though the person on the other side had known we were coming, had been waiting. Sammy stood in front of us, small, thin, covered in a fuzzy blue blanket, the lamp on her desk throwing a lightness around her blond head. Even though it looked like she hadn’t slept in a while, there was no denying the cute, popular superstar she had once been.

Before it all. Read More »

The ever reliable Page Six is reporting that MTV’s own rampant bi-sexual is not as fickle as the public is led to believe.

So, Tila Tequila isn’t bi? You mean, her entire existence is a total sham? There’s no way the most popular girl on MySpace would ever try to sell herself further for essentially doing nothing! No! It can’t be! Tila is a completely legitimate woman/pop singer/MySpace celebrity, right?

Sure she is! She’s as classy as a queen. Need proof? Check out the evidence: Read More »

You know how everyone’s telling teenage girls to stay away from drugs, sex, and bitchy behavior?

Well, someone wants to put a stop to all the preaching.

Coolest Girl in School, a “mobile phone based game” (a term which makes me feel old, since I have no idea what it is) is about to debut in Australia, and parents are pissed.

“Game developer and producer” Holly Owen, the (no) brains behind this new game, says that the point behind Coolest Girl is to “”lie, bitch and flirt your way to the top of the high school ladder“, a description that makes me think Owen has “cool” confused with “total asshole”.

“It’s not about glorifying bad things, it’s about giving young girls the opportunity to play around with high school.” Owen says about her horrible idea, going on to muse “It’s a pretty ironic game because things that might seem obviously cool like taking drugs and smoking might work against you because you have to go to rehab or have stinky breath when the captain of the football team comes to speak to you.” Read More »

I heart muffins.

It doesn’t really matter what type of muffins they are—I’ll eat any flavor.

I’ll eat muffins with nuts, with berries, with chocolate chips…you can even put carrot and zucchini in there, I won’t mind.

Since the weekend is finally here, why don’t we celebrate two wonderfully late mornings with a beautiful muffin recipe that includes fall’s sweetest treat: apples?

Wake up your whole dorm with the amazing smell of these muffins, and you might just become the most popular girl in school—at least until they’re all gone.

Here’s what you need to get started: Read More »