Remember the good ‘ole days when you could buy a porno and not feel so guilty because at least it had some plot line?  Well, that time is over.  Now you’re just a pervert.  The world’s strongest industry isn’t exempt from the economic downturn, after all.  The adult film industry is forgoing longer, plot-centric movies for simple, concept-based collections of scenes (think: MILFs, glasses, brunettes, etc.).

Apparently, I’m not the only one upset about this (and BOY, am I upset!…not really).  Some porn stars are mourning the loss of dialogue and any resemblance to a real acting job.  Now they’re delegated to scene after scene of hardcore sex.  But, who’s surprised?  It’s porn! People aren’t watching it for the suspense – they’re watching it for the sex. Even more, the internet is taking over all traditional visual media – Hulu, anyone?  If anything is over 10 minutes long, then most people move on to something shorter and more entertaining (read: more penetration, less time). Therefore, if porn movies are shot in segments, they can be easily broken down and disseminated throughout the internet more quickly.

But…but…what about the glory days? 

What will my friends and I do for a laugh when we’re wasted and relegated to the apartment because of rain/snow/inability to walk?  Without adult films continuing in the tradition of such classics like Edward Penishands (seriously – Google it) and Wet Dreams May Come, what are we left with?  Sex.  Just sex.  I guess that’s okay…but I sure am gonna miss the crazy plot twists, cheap props, and horrendous dialogue (“I’m here to fix your washer, maam.”) associated with the best plot-based porn movies.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll watch The Hills for the same effect (and, of course, Edward Penishands…again and again).

I remember the first time I slept at my ex’s apartment. He ran out to get some pizza and I asked if I could use his computer to check my email.

“Yeah, just don’t look at my browsing history, k?”

Right – because you can tell a girl that and expect her not to wonder why on earth you would make that request!

He wasn’t out of the room for 30 seconds before I did just that. And the first site on the list? MamaLovesC*ck.com.

For real.

It was at that moment that I began to wonder just how prominent porn was in guys’ lives. I mean, I always knew they looked at it, but how often? For how long? And why, especially when they have a girlfriend spending the freaking night?

I asked a close friend for the answers. What did I find out? More than I ever wanted to know.