Hi there, Dude!

First of all, your answer to the girl who found porn on her boyfriend’s computer was absolutely outstanding. I found out about my boyfriend’s porn a year into our beautiful relationship. I too was crushed, for I also felt as if I were “not good enough”. My boyfriend tried to explain to me that it had nothing to do with me, and of course… feeling a bit insecure, I overreacted. It took me a while, and a bunch of “Googling” to find out that guys are just complete wankers– and I am now glad to accept that fact.
I just have one underlying question and I don’t know who to ask. Here goes:

I still feel a little bit bummed about the discovery of my boyfriend’s porn for it’s not just any porn. It’s porn with Asian girls or animated Asian girls (not the crazy, female-degrading hentai though). Dude, I’m not an Asian female. Yes I have the light skin and dark hair, but I look nothing like them. I guess I feel bummed because he seems to have an “ideal” kind of girl that I feel I cannot compare to. Doesn’t that mean that sleeping with me or wanking off to the image of me is not as fulfilling as it is when he’s looking at Asian girls? I’m probably over-thinking this whole situation but can you blame me? I live in a society full of factors that could make any girl think the way she does about herself. I just used to feel so beautiful and perfect in his arms, and I do not feel that way so much any more. I love him very much and we look forward to a great future together. I just don’t want to give up on this relationship because of my silly feelings.

I’d also like to say that I have spoken to him about how I feel and he told me that he only masturbates to Asians because they are “cleaner-looking” and don’t act like wild and crazy white girls when having sex. He did tell me once before that he didn’t need to look at his porn because he had me, which did make me feel a wee bit better until I woke up once in the middle of the night to catch him masturbating to his porn. Yeah, so I was crushed even more. What can I do from here?

Always,
Feeling a bit hopeless

Dear Feeling a bit hopeless,

Thanks for the kind critique for one of my all-time favorite “Ask A Dude’s.” I’ve been hoping for a follow-up question and yours couldn’t be more perfect.
Men will OFTEN wank (great word) off to porn featuring types of women that they aren’t dating. Porn is fantasy. To men, porn is a beautiful love story…with the boring parts taken out! (RIP Richard Jenni!) For him to be wanking it to Asian women is not a reflection about how attracted to you he is or isn’t, it’s just that when we settle down, we generally say goodbye to the possibilities of living out certain fantasies and this is one of those for him.

Plus, if all he did was get off to women exactly you’re type then that could have a bit of a numbing effect on his libido. Men are creatures who love variety. Hell, don’t all of us considered people with sexual appetites love variety? Without different tastes and different moods for different kinds of kinks, sex would become pretty damn routine. In some ways, he’s keeping his sexual palette refined…okay, even to me that one sounds like BS, but you see what I’m getting at.

The ideal type for guys changes over time. As we grow and evolve as people, so do our fantasies. And believe it or not, not always do we end up falling in love and spending years of our lives committed to someone who fits our “ideal type”. Because you can’t have your feelings dependent on a checklist of “ideal mate” qualities that you carry around in your purse. That’s not how life works. So, of course, when given a chance to indulge in a fantasy, you end up falling back on an old type or discovering a new type.
Now, what bugs me about his explanation is his argument that Asian porn is cleaner than American porn. Have you seen some of it? That’s a whole kind of personal preference rationale that I’m not sure I personally agree with. I think you can find “dirty” hardcore stuff no matter the niche you’re into at the moment. I think he’s just got a thing for Asian porn and was trying to make up some reason. Bygones.

It’s good that you talked to him about it. Bad he lied and got caught lying. Although, he might have totally sincere with you when he said he didn’t need porn because he had you. A lot of guys have an attachment to porn. It’s a bit of an addiction, like cigarettes or chocolate or Chuck (WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!!!!) and, we might try to make a clean break of the habit but then relapse after a while. Not that I’m speaking from any kind of experience…

In this dude’s opinion, you don’t need to get worked up over this. Often times in life we have to re-accept things about ourselves and our partners. It sounds like you’ve got a really nice relationship and you sound like you’re headed for a future. Don’t let a minor sexual quirk impede on your ability to have that perspective. Now, if he starts going to discount Asian massage parlors, okay I’d be worried. Short of that, talk to him if you need a little reassurance or have some concerns. Hell, offer to watch it with him one time and see where that takes you. Porn is wish-fulfillment and you already fulfill a lot his wishes.

Godspeed Chuck Bartowski,
The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

If you’re thinking about entering the porn industry, you probably won’t be able to read children’s books to elementary school kids afterwards. Maybe it’s because you’ll stimulate too many of their senses with all your clothes on, or because you’ll somehow send subliminal messages and slip in sexual innuendos while reciting Dr. Seuss rhymes. Sorry, but after a career like that, you’re simply…unfit for this kind of thing.

Okay, so the above is not the exact word-for-word reaction of Emerson Elementary School parents, but I don’t think I’m too far off from what they thought when they found out that former porn star Sasha Grey was invited to visit the school’s 1^st and 3^rd grade students. Sasha read them Dog Breath by Dav Pilkey on behalf of Read Across America, a year-round program by the National Education Association that aims to motivate reading among children.

Sure, Sasha was a porn star. She even won some AVN awards during her handful of years in the business. But she hasn’t made an adult film in two years and is officially retired from the industry; she had a multiple-episode role in the show Entourage and has acted in a Steven Soderbergh film, among others. She also published a book of self-portraits and short essays on her sexual philosophy, and a portion of the book launch’s proceeds were donated to the charity Housing Works. In short, she’s moved on, but it seems like those California parents can’t see anything beyond her XXX filmography.

And even though TMZ took plenty of pictures and Sasha tweeted about it later that day, the elementary school is now denying the fact that her visit ever happened. A school district representative told TMZ, “We have several celebrities who read to our students each year. The actress you have indicated [Sasha] was not present.”

Maybe my moral compass points a little differently than that of a parent, but it’s absolutely ridiculous that Sasha is being bashed for her nonprofit activity by both the parents of the children she served and the school who was initially happy to have her. It’s not as if Sasha had a huge celebrity blunder and is now collecting community service as part of a PR stunt; she’s actually participating because she believes in Read Across America’s cause. How long should one wait after filming porn to actively support literacy? Is there a statute of limitations on scandalous jobs?! Are people scared she’s going to promote sexual activity over literacy or suddenly have sex with the kids?!?

Though denied by Emerson Elementary, Sasha reiterates how proud she is of her non-profit involvement. She tweeted a statement yesterday, a portion of which is included below:

“Read Across America” is a program that was designed to promote literacy and instill a lifelong love of reading in elementary school students. Promoting education is an effort that is close to my heart. Illiteracy contributes to poverty; encouraging children to pick up a book is fundamental. I believe education is a universal right. I committed to this program with the understanding that people would have their own opinions about what I have done, who I am and what I represent. I am an actor. I am an artist. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a partner. I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am. I will not live in fear of it. To challenge non-profit education programs is an exercise in futility, counter-productive and anti-educational. I cannot thank my fans and “Read Across America” enough for supporting my decision. Your support and kind words continue to inspire me. I believe in the future of our children, and I will remain an active supporter and participant in education-focused initiatives.”

For the record, Read Across America states that “There is something powerful about a policeman, firefighter, mayor, radio personality, pastor, high school quarterback, or grandmother sharing their love for reading.” The program doesn’t discount that love if it comes from a porn star, former or otherwise. Emerson Elementary School parents: neither should you.

What do you think: Do the parents have a right to be upset about Sasha reading to their kids? Or is Sasha being unfairly shamed after leaving porn for good?

Researchers at University of Montreal set out to compare frequent viewers of pornography with those who have never seen porn and were UNABLE TO FIND A SINGLE MAN WHO HADN’T WATCHED PORN.

Now, if you’ll come to terms with that news, consider these five facts taken directly from the study:

1) Most men started watching porn around 10 years of age.

2) 90% of pornographic viewing consumption is online and 10% is purchased from stores.

3) Although single men watch more porn than men in relationships, their spoken-for counterparts still yield to this activity weekly.

4) Single men watch an average of 40 minutes 3 times a week, whereas taken men indulge for an average 20 minutes 1.7 times a week.

5) Men are found to prefer “conventional” sexual practices and tend to avoid anything they deemed offensive. Researchers found that “pornography hasn’t changed their perception of women.”

So go ahead and appreciate how cultured and sophisticated your boyfriend is, but we all know the truth. As annoying as pornography is, it may be something that as girlfriends, we all need to learn how to accept …and who knows, maybe it is something that we can enjoy for 40 minutes 3 times a week as well.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I’m sure you’ve heard this phrase and a million others about how different men and women are. There are so many differences that we rely on our favorite dudes to help us analyze boy situations and constantly debate the difference between the sexes in terms of love, sex and relationships. But the differences don’t just stop there. According to new research, men and women also differ in how they indulge their sexual curiosity.

Ogi Ogas and Sam Gaddam have been analyzing billions of web searches and found that women are more likely to seek out character-driven stories rather than explicitly visual scenes of sexual activity. Unlike men who need nothing more than a short porn clip (or a hot girl modeling a bra in a Victoria’s Secret catalog) to get aroused, women require more of a story – and an emotional connection – to be stimulated. Proof: women account for 90 percent of sales for the romance novel industry but only two percent of porn site subscriptions.

But why?

Based on the results of this study, it seems that our sexual feelings are closely associated with the idea of the happily ever after demonstrated in all of our favorite Disney movies and chick flicks. Sex is pleasurable on its own, yes, but even our adult fantasies require something more. We need a story, context, and the idea that there is something behind the physical act to really feel aroused. Pictures and videos don’t often provide that, so women seek it out in the written word.

Do these findings translate into the real world? In my mind, yes. If women, on their own, are seeking out more than just the physical images of sex to get turned on, maybe this is just another study that proves that sex really is more fulfilling for women when it’s with someone we know and love.

Another interesting thing to note: while men primarily watch porn alone (no surprises there!), there is a large community of women discussing and dissecting online stories, especially on fan fiction websites. Yes, even something as personal as erotica is a bonding experience for women. Although the fact that women discuss the stuff they’re reading should come as no surprise judging by the tradition of weekend gossip over Sunday brunch.

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Of course you think you know everything about sex.  You’re a liberated, intelligent college woman, right?  And you’ve done your research; you know what’s what.  Well, guess what?  There’s always room for a little extra know-how, and we’ve compiled the ultimate resource on everything you need to know about sex.  Take notes, you just might learn a new fact or two.

1. How not to become a Baby Mama
The birth control method you might be using that…(wait for it)…doesn’t work 27% of the time.

2. Not all men are created equal
Is there such a thing as too big?  Too small?  Maybe a little…stubby?  With this visual guide you can tell if your man’s more a shower or a grower…or maybe a “soda can”.

3. It should last how long?
Apparently wishing for a guy who can go all night long isn’t what we need.  15 minutes max is what the pros recommend, and in reality, most couples spend less than seven minutes on intercourse.

4. It’s good to have a friend…with benefits.
Science says having someone with whom you can experiment, but have no emotional tie to, is actually a fabulous thing for your sex life.

5. It shouldn’t hurt
But if it does, this might be your problem…

6. Forget your numbers
If age and weight get to be “just numbers”, so can that other set of pesky numbers.  How many people you’ve slept with is irrelevant when it comes to these other important items on your sexual resume.

7. Know what men want
Because, you know.  Sometimes they just don’t fess up like they should.  But seriously, let’s take the guesswork out of sex already.

8. Know what you want
From a professional male porn star, this tip tops his list for what makes a woman great in bed.  Check out what other pearls of wisdom he has to offer.

9. Speaking of porn…
Ladies, let’s have some realistic expectations, shall we?  Like some sexy fireman would ever come to your door to “help put that fire out”.  And if he did, the fantasy would not last the duration of a feature film.

10. Avoid mood killers.
Miley Cyrus does not belong on a sex playlist.  Onion rings are not a romantic dinner.  And these ten bedroom snafus need to be avoided by all costs.

BONUS #11. Old people have sex.
Just because you graduate college and the options become less plentiful doesn’t mean that you can’t still have amazing sex.

So instead of getting all brainy on a topic that should be anything but, I offer you a regular girl’s guide to bettering your sexual endeavors.  You will not be tested on this material (at least not in a Scantron sort of way), just print it out and hang it above your bed.

1. Speak Up

Don’t wait for him to ask you what feels good.  If he’s a mildly oblivious (aww, but well-meaning) college dude, chances are he’ll think he’s doing just fine so long as you both leave satisfied.  Problem is, “just fine” isn’t always what you’re looking for.  Help him shoot for the stars by being vocal about what feels fabulous and what leaves you a little bored.

2. Dress Up

Who says costumes are just for Halloween and frat mixers?  I know you’ve got a few choice outfits in that closet waiting for the next CEOs and Office Hoes party.  Break ‘em out and watch his eyes (among other things) get big with excitement.

3. Confess

Admit it, everyone’s got at least one major sex fantasy.  Whether you’re into the run-of-the-mill naughty doctor routine or something a little…less…ordinary, it’s time to indulge and go wild.  One of the biggest factors in a great sex life is being comfortable with your partner.  This is one of the points that will really test your comfort level.  I mean, imagine telling a rando you’ve always wanted to get it on in the library while people secretly watched.  Awk-ward!

4. Play Around

Role-playing is an excellent way to explore the boundaries of your relationship.  It’s kinda an excuse to say anything and, should it not be well received, chalk it up to “getting caught up in the moment.”  Likewise, you may test his limits and find you’ve both wanted to try some of the same things.  It’s a harmless way to ease into some of the iffier conversations and keep the mood light.

5. Get Dirty

Dirty talk isn’t just for phone sex and text messages.  Newsflash: it brings about amazing results when used in person, as well.  And don’t be embarrassed, that’s key.

6. Think Outside the Bed

Try the floor.  Try the couch.  Try the stairs.  Try the top of the dryer.  Just make sure these aren’t communal places and that no one’s home.  I mean, unless you’re fulfilling #3.  In that case, just try not to get caught.

7. Make Him Surprise You

It’s like potluck dinner, but better because it’s not dinner- it’s sex!  When you keep an open mind and allow your partner to bring his own selection of tricks to the table, you might just stumble upon something great.  As an added bonus, he’ll get an ego boost knowing you trust him enough not to give directions all the time.  No one wants a control freak in bed (unless you’re exploring tip #1, but be kind about it).

8. Watch Together, Stay Together

Watching porn can do a lot of marvelous things for your sex life.  Not only can it provide some DIY ideas, but porn also serves as great foreplay and will help get you both in the mood for the main event.  Be sure to remember, not everything in the movies is quite as epic as real life.  But that shouldn’t stop you from trying!

9. Keep it Real

In light of #8, I have this to offer: Don’t have unrealistic expectations for sex.  Try to avoid mumbling, “That was it?” and realize it takes two to tango.  You’re half the equation, so it’s equally up to you to bring your A Game to the bedroom.

10. Satisfy Yourself

How do you expect anyone else to know what works for you if even you don’t know what works for you?  Masturbation is a beautiful thing and a necessary part of a stellar sex life.  Find what brings you to orgasm on your own so you know what you like once it’s sexy time plus one.

We were talking about porn a couple weeks ago

Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I know that porno movies are supposed to be sexy and get their viewers all horny, but I find if I’m not already in the mood at least a little, they just make me laugh. Seriously, have you ever actually listened to the dialogue they put in those movies?

While I realize some people are genuinely concerned that porn will skew younger generations’ views of sex, I’m not here to talk about that this week. I’m here to talk about the ridiculous myths that are portrayed in porn (not to be confused with the ridiculous myths that are portrayed in movies). The ones so completely off base that not even the most naïve pubescent boy would believe them. Well, maybe they would, but I hope they’re the only ones…

Porn: All delivery men/plumbers/electricians are ridiculously good looking, and you will end up having sex with them when they come to “deliver your package,” “unclog your pipes” or give you some “high voltage” lovin’.” Okay, so I don’t actually know a sexy term that can be made out of an electrician’s work, so I used a bit of an AC/DC reference instead. But you get the point.
Real life: Um, have you seen the guys that typically do those things in real life? I’m not hating on these people, but usually they’re hairy, old, and fat, with their cracks showing. Or at least the ones that always “service” my apartment. If they do happen to be good looking, they’re probably married. And I mean, if you sleep with your plumber, who are you going to call when the toilet gets clogged? Embarrassing…

Porn: High school teachers are all dead sexy, and you will inevitably have sex with them without consequence. On the desk. After the bell rings. And there will be an apple involved somehow.
Real life: High school teachers should be outside of the age range of who students find sexually attractive. But as that one teacher we all crushed on in school made us realize, that’s not always the case. The difference is that in the real world, if you have sex with them, they will go to jail.  And to the dismay of many-a horny teenager, 99% of teachers are smarter than to sleep with their students. Sorry.

Porn: Cheesy lines like, “I know you ordered a banana split, but we just ran out of bananas. Lucky for you I can give you something better” result in mid-restaurant boning without so much as a second thought. And yes, I actually saw a porno with that storyline once… so awful.
Real life: Restraining orders and disgusted looks. And never seeing a banana split the same way again.

Porn: Screaming, and a play-by-play yelled out between over-dramatic moans.
Real life: Thin walls, roommates (or worse, parents), and a bit more self-control… usually.

Porn: Penises are monstrous and women have absolutely no body hair, and really nice fake boobs that don’t move, no matter how much fun she’s having.
Real life: While sometimes these things can be true in real life, spend 15 minutes browsing an amateur porn site and you’ll get an idea of how people’s bodies typically look.

Porn: The people in porn always find themselves in really great places — the rain forest, space, a pirate ship, and of course, they’re having crazy hot sex in all of those places!
Real life: Bed, shower, floor, couch, car, repeat.

Porn: Smooth transitions into crazy Kama Sutra-like positions. Legs behind heads, handstands, you name it – they make it look easy in porn.
Real Life: Vince Vaughn said it best in Wedding Crashers: “Ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”

When I walked into my apartment yesterday and saw the television, at first glace I was positive that my roommate was watching porn. There were scantily clad bodies everywhere, dry humping, (barely) clothed crotch-shots and some close-ups of faces that were taken by pleasure. I stood in my doorway shocked and confused – porn on the living room TV in mid-daylight when I’m expected home? — but after a moment of clarity, I realized that what was on TV wasn’t porn – it was MTV.

We’re adults, and if we want to watch other people have sex – or be filmed while having sex; that’s our decision to make.  The real problems come from naughty videos on TV that are borderline pornographic and available to children. I don’t want my niece and nephew to see Miley Cyrus gyrating up against random dudes in booty shorts after getting out of a cage, and I don’t want them seeing close-ups of Lady GaGa’s crotch. The FCC is overly concerned with swearing, or Janet Jackson’s boob – but seem to have no problem overlooking dry humping on mainstream TV. There is a very distinctive difference between nudity and pornography.

Pornography is sexual, nudity is natural.

I am not anti-pornography, but pornography and pornographic images are for adult, not for children. I’ve learned a lot from porn, and I’ve had a lot of very drunken nights where porn was thrown on the ol’ laptop and hilarity ensued. I think that access to pornography – for adults, by adults – is something that should continue to be available to those who wish to consume it. While it should be regulated – actors should be tested weekly for STIs, sets should be monitored (as with any other production) to make sure that the actors are safe and acting on their own volition, and everyone involved needs to be 18+, but the notion that porn should be banned is kind of ridiculous. As with any other sex act, if it’s safe, sane, and consensual (and legal), I say go for it.

Many anti-porn groups rally that the women in these videos are being exploited. As a woman myself, I understand the basic concept of this, I always get hung-up on the fact that not only are the women consenting (in any kind of reputable video), but also that if we’re going to go along with the claim that women are being exploited, I think we must also accept that the men in these films are being exploited as well – it takes two to tango, remember? What happened to equality? The fact that it’s exploitive is what makes it so appealing – both for the people producing and for those consuming the material.

It’s also argued that pornography skews a teenager’s view of sex. While partially true, I like to think that most people who are watching porn realize that it’s entertainment and not exactly true-to-life. It’s like a person going to the hospital and expecting to be treated by Dr. House. Sure, there is a chance that pornography might make sex seem to be more of a wild and crazy adventure than it actually is, but most people will realize by the time they actually have intercourse that real sex is not like in the movies.

Pornography can be a good thing. But it’s only a good thing when it’s being viewed by educated adults – not my children who don’t know any better. (Note: I don’t actually have any children…thank god. I was just trying to make a point) The balance is screwed up in our society. We crack down on adults who choose to consume dirty videos, but make no effort to crack down on dirty videos that are in the realm of children. I’ll watch as much porn as I want, but never again do I want to walk into my apartment to find a half-naked Miley Cyrus on my television; that’s just wrong.

How do you feel about porn?

[Sidenote: I didn’t mention child pornography or people being forced into doing movies because those are not fair representations of the porn industry; those are violent crimes.]

“It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” – that’s the saying, anyway. But with the new season of Hung and the start of The Hard Times of RJ Berger, it seems like having a big dick is still a big deal – in entertainment-land anyway. The question is, does it really count for that much in the real world? Some of us have already weighed in on this age old issue, but all it takes is one look at the comments to see that we’re still a little divided.

In some ways, I think that for us, having a guy with a big ”pink oboe” (seriously, go Google “penis synonyms,” definite entertainment) is kind of the equivalent of the hot-twin-threesome fantasy guys have – it sounds hot in our minds, but probably isn’t nearly as awesome in real life. It’s gotten built up over the years through jokes and porn and since most of us have probably only had – or will have - experience with men in the average-size range, it has become a big fantasy thing that a huge” disco stick” is going to fulfill all of your sexual needs. In reality, sexual prowess has a lot more to do with skill than size…

…Up to a point. Sorry boys, hate to say it, but I think most of us (if we’re being brutally honest) can agree that size does matter, at least a little bit. It’s kind of like being in the NBA – once you’re tall enough to match the other players, it doesn’t really matter if you’re 6’4″ or 6’10,” that’s when skills start to come in to play; but you probably aren’t going to be shooting hoops with the pros if you’re only 5’6″. And you have to admit, most stereotypes do get started for a reason, so it’s not such a stretch (God, don’t go there) to think that maybe a big “love muscle” might really be good.

Time to sound off, girls! Do you really care what caliber a guy is packing or does marksmanship matter more (did that metaphor just fall apart?)? Is the big “beef whistle” thing just hype or do we just not know what we’re missing?

Duke it out!