He wants to do me.

He wants to do me not.

He wants to do me…

…Then never call again, do me, then tell all of his friends, do me, then flip out about my guy friends…the list goes on. If only the “He wants to do me” sentence could exist without the predictable post sex behavior, I would be living in a much more sexually satisfying world.

The problem with most guys who I have encountered is this: They really believe that if they have intercourse with a girl, she will flip out and suddenly be in love. Maybe all of the guys I know have simply given themselves too much credit because I’m always recycling the same kind of guy over and over again: Artsy and ARROGANT.

I suppose that, for me, there’s a degree of truth to this. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to be in love with anyone. Being in love is a shamefully painful experience to me, honestly. I’d rather be in the casual sex club…but the older I get..the harder it is to stay a member of that club.

I can’t just have sex with a stranger and never really talk to him again anymore. No. All of the guys I’ve met lately want something intense and meaningful AND CASUAL. How can I possibly not start to melt when you’re kissing me for the third consecutive hour? Or when you always want to go on romantic “dates”. It’s like the guys who I have crossed paths with need some sexual sense knocked into them, so here I am to do it gladly:

Dear pending/potential/past lovers,

You have two choices with me.

1. We can do the casual sex thing. But do you know what that means? It means…keep it casual. Don’t make me mix cds; don’t call me pet names. Don’t expect me to calm you down from your anxiety attacks and don’t send me tragically sweet text messages. Don’t act possessive or insecure. Don’t even MENTION our “connection” to me. Just keep it casual! When you throw in all of these other elements; you’re asking for trouble. If you want something casual with me…then don’t tell me I’m special. Because I don’t want to hear it.

OR

2. We can actually work on something real. Unlike most girls, “something real” does not necessarily involve titles or monogamy to me. But it does require honesty about your intentions and open communication. OUR sex can evolve into something much more passionate and intense than those in category 1. We can even be best friends. But if all you really want is sex, go ahead and spare us both the wasted hours of talking til dawn and sign yourself up for my first category.

You don’t have to be my soul mate to have sex with me. But you do need to be honest.

With that said; I’m taking applications, boys. (Triple check your spelling if you ever want to see my bed!)