Processed foods are generally not good for us, regardless of how they are advertised. I’ve lived with roommates who firmly believed that they were on wholesome, perfectly nutritious diets all the while subsisting on Power bars, frozen TV dinners from the health food section of our local grocery store and Gatorade. Just because a product is advertised as a health food does not make it one! A trip to the grocery store quickly confirms this simple, yet often forgotten principle. In fact, many of the foods advertised as “energy bars” or nutrient packed “protein powders” are some of the most dangerous foods you could possibly consume. Take for instance PowerBar’s Triple Threat Chocolate Peanut Butter Crisp. Putting aside the fact that the name of this bar doesn’t sound healthy to begin with (albeit it does sound decadently delicious), let us pretend that we fall for the claim that this bar provides “long lasting energy” as marketed on the packaging. Now, let us begin to become enlightened about why this PowerBar can do no such thing and doesn’t even taste decadently delicious for Pete’s sake.

The first ingredient is corn syrup. Corn syrup, only slightly better than its cousin high fructose corn syrup, is the nutritional equivalent of sugar. The next ingredient is soy crisps, a combination of soy protein isolate and rice flour. Mmm, tasty. Soy protein isolate is a highly processed soy product that retains none of the original nutritional value of the natural soybean and raises levels of insulin like growth factor-1 (IGF-1) in the blood, subsequently hastening the growth of our cells and the aging process. The manner in which soy protein isolate is processed and manufactured is freaky too. It involves acid washing it in aluminum tanks. I’m not sure what the purpose of acid washing is, but I do know that a significant aluminum load manages to make its way into the final product. Nitrites and chemical flavoring are also used to add flavor. These chemicals have been linked to the development of certain cancers, allergies and even Alzheimer’s disease. So far we would be damaging our cells with a big helping of processed sugar and cancer causing processed junk. Let’s see what else this “energy” bar has to throw our way. Next we’ve got a chocolatey coating. Oh look, more sugar! Some oil and whey! Mmm. More wholesome goodness for us to chew on. Whey is the liquid remaining after cow’s boob milk has been curdled, so not only is it bad for us, but it’s gross too. Just like soy protein isolate, whey is a processed protein which raises IGF-1. Excess protein is simply not lifespan favorable.

After reading the ingredient list (see actual list below), it becomes obvious that the ingestion of this “energy” bar will provide no more energy than if we simply blended a bunch of sugar, processed proteins, salt and oil. Even though calling it a “drop dead prematurely” bar would probably not be the best marketing strategy, it would be much more accurate. There is a restaurant in Dallas, Texas called Heart Attack Grill, which I’m told is quite successful, so I don’t know. Perhaps a “drop dead prematurely” bar would do quite well in grocery stores. It might peak the interest of children around Halloween.

Ingredients:

CORN SYRUP, SOY CRISPS (SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, RICE FLOUR, ALKALIZED COCOA), CHOCOLATEY COATING (SUGAR, FRACTIONATED PALM KERNEL OIL, COCOA, WHEY, NONFAT MILK, SOY LECITHIN, NATURAL VANILLA FLAVOR), WHOLE OATS, DRY ROASTED PEANUTS, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, INULIN (FROM CHICORY), NATURAL FLAVORS (CONTAINS PEANUT, MILK, SOY LECITHIN), RICE CRISPS (MILLED RICE, SUGAR, SALT, BARLEY MALT), SALTED PEANUT BUTTER, VEGETABLE GLYCERIN, AND LESS THAN 2% OF PEANUT FLOUR, ALMOND BUTTER, SALT, SOY LECITHIN, MINERALS: CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, POTASSIUM PHOSPHATE, FERROUS FUMARATE (IRON), VITAMINS: ASCORBIC ACID (VITAMIN C), VITAMIN B6 HYDROCHLORIDE, RIBOFLAVIN (VITAMIN B2), THIAMINE MONONITRATE (VITAMIN B1). CONTAINS ALMOND, MILK, PEANUT AND SOY INGREDIENTS. MADE ON EQUIPMENT THAT ALSO PROCESSES WHEAT.

The moral of this short blog post is that processed foods advertised as health foods are not necessarily healthy. The less you use foods that come in packages, boxes or wrappers, the better. There are a few processed products that make the nutrient density, body lovin’ cut, but we need to do our homework and read the labels if we decide we are in the mood to open a can or unfreeze a TV dinner.

But isn’t there a more convenient alternative to carry in your purse or backpack for easy access during less-than-stimulating class? Mornings are hectic as it is – picking out a cute and semi-clean outfit, making sure you grab the right books, and checking the mirror for any potential embarrassments – who has time to grab a coffee?

Luckily, a few capitalistic masterminds have exploited our caffeine addiction. No, I’m not talking about those fools over at Starbucks; that’s old news. Enter the world of caffeinated munchies. Red Bulls and Power Bars have nothing on these chemically-enhanced, caffeine-infused snacks.

We’ve all seen the caffeine gums, but, Dorothy, we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Today’s caffeine fiends can choose from lollipops, chocolates, cookies, jellybeans and more. Here’s a rundown of the best indulgences to get you wired without suffering the evil burnt tongue:

BuzzStrong’s Coffee Cookies

Guaranteed to satisfy your inner-cookie monster, these babies are made with Brazilian coffee, Tahitian vanilla, and Swiss dark and white chocolate chips. All natural and carrying 70 calories per cookie, four cookies are equivalent to a one-cup coffee buzz. A 7 0unce, 12-cookie box will only cost you $4.99, which is the eqivalent to a single Starbucks run.

Crackheads

A far better alternative to inviting in the local crackhead off the street (these guys smell better and provide a much better buzz), Crackheads are a great caffeinated snack. White and dark chocolate covered espresso beans? Yum! Each 1.3-ounce box has around 30 beans, for a grand total of 120 mg of caffeine. That will get you through that 8am lecture, fo sho.

Sport Beans

Boasting yummy flavors like lemon-lime, cherry, orange, berry blue, watermelon and fruit punch, these caffeine-free beans packs 25 grams of carbohydrates as well as electrolytes and vitamins B and C. If you truly want to step it up, a second line of “Extreme” Sports Beans carry 50 mg of caffeine a pack. For about a dollar a bag and 100 calories, these small one-ounce bags pack a powerful punch, which far outweighs the chemically after-taste.

Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews

Satisfy your chocolate craving and grab an energy boost to boot. Each chocolate contains about the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee (100 mg!). At $3.99 for an eight-piece tin, this is the clear choice of self-confessed choco/caffeine-aholics.

Jolt Energy Gum

A spin off of Jolt Cola, you can choose between spearmint and peppermint. Toss two pieces in your mouth to feel the equivalent of an energy drink. This also happens to be super cheap ($2.49 for a 12 pack) and you’ll be able to find it in almost any convenience store.

Night Light Caffeinated Chai Mints

Not for caffeine junkies, but a good choice for those seeking a slight bump during midterms…or after a particularly long weekend. Caffeinated chai mints are only lightly caffeinated (1.5 mg per mint) and promise to ‘add a slight hint of alertness to your chai induced peace.’ Bonus: These mints come in super-cute brushed metal tins with the option to go online and design your own!

Javapops

Lollipops aren’t just for the little tykes anymore! These adult-only pops come in 5 java-brew flavors: French Vanilla, Chocolate Almond, Irish Crème, Cappuccino, and Chocolate Raspberry. A pack of ten oversized lolli’s (with 60 mg of caffeine in each one) will set you back $9.99.

Penguin Caffeinated Peppermints


Three of these bad boys are the equivalent to a high sugar, high calorie Coke. Allegedly ‘the original caffeinated mint’, they’re sugar free and their caffeine infused offerings include peppermint, cinnamon and chocolate. For an all-natural buzz, try the Kola or Citrus varieties, both with guarana and ginseng. A $2.99 tin contains 25 mints.

Engobi Cinnamon Surge Energy Go Bites


Love Taco Bell Cinnamon Twists? Wish they would wake you up (instead of making you feel like a fattie)? Your prayers have been answered. These cinnamon sugar puffs contain 140 mg of caffeine in a pack and their taste alone blows the other caffeinated cravings out of the water. Well, that and the promise on the package: “To get wired. I mean really wired.”