Dear Katie,

Remember when you used to smile? I mean, really smile. Not that Tom-Gets-Mad-If-I-Don’t-Grin smile. Remember when you dressed your age and actually spoke?

Where did those days go? Has Tom done something to your brain? He hasn’t lobotomized you, has he? I wouldn’t put it past that guy to have a complete lobotomizing room in his basement. Has he given you shock therapy? I know he wanted to buy his own ultrasound machine at one point, maybe he just had them throw the shocks in for free?

I was looking as some pictures of you recently, and I’ve noticed that all the joy has seeped away from your face. I’ve also noticed that you’ve started to dress like my mom—if my mom was super rich. This unsettles me because I’m pretty sure we’re the same age. Read More »

We’ve all heard by now that Halle Berry is knocked up…..

…..by this guy! Gabriel Aubrey!

He’s hot, Canadian and 10 years younger than Halle, who is 41 and the hottest cougar of ‘em all.

Ever since the news of her pregnancy broke, people have been even more curious about Gabriel Aubrey, whose name even sounds model-ish. He’s got a pretty face, but what’s he like? How did he meet Halle? What do they have in common!

The public needs to know!

If you Google him, he’s more tied to her name than anything else so there must be some dirt?

You will find that all sites can agree he is a “hunkstar,” whatever the hell kind of stupid word that is.

Hmmm. I wonder if the baby will be attractive?

Check out Gabriel’s hottness after the jump! Read More »

Is it just me, or does Hilary Duff never seem very happy?

Sure, she’s on the cover of magazines posing with her new abs proclaiming that she’s comfortable at 5’2” and 109 pounds (down almost 20 pounds from her reported weight of 130 in 2003), has been seen out and about since her split with ugly, ugly, ugly Joel Madden, and is giving interviews saying she’s “all set” with the ending of her first big love affair…but I just can’t help detecting weariness in between all those words.

First of all, at 5’2”, 109 is not the easiest weight to maintain. I’m that height, and the last time I weighed 109 was when I had just gotten out of surgery and spent three weeks puking from anesthesia side-effects. These days I’m almost spot on with the Duffster’s old weight, and even those numbers prove to be difficult when it’s 98 degrees and all I want is a giant cone from Cold Stone Creamery.

Second, it’s gotta be hard as hell to see your Ex cavorting around Hollywood with Nicole Richie, and even harder to know he got the chick pregnant. Read More »

In recent weeks the rag mags and bloggers have been speculating that emaciated socialite Nicole Richie is with child. The recovering heroine addict and anorexic tabloid favorite has been seen shopping for baby clothes, avoiding cigarettes, and even staying off the strip. But could this be a result of a pregnancy or just your average lack of protein?

Medically when the body is deprived of protein it becomes bloated, almost fat due to retention of water. As we see in photos form starving third world countries it is a common occurrence when the body suffers from a deficiency or lack of proper nutrition. But this is a Hollywood famine, starving in the finest of all restaurants while stowing a pharmacy away in your Balenciaga. In a world where every 3.6 seconds someone dies of hunger, we worship a culture of excess, fast food, binges and purges. Some children would even call Richie their idol; magazines promote her look as improved then attack her for being too skinny days later. Although anorexia is a disease it seems somehow unfair that the entire world is starving while America is on a crash diet.

In the fall of 2003 Nicole was arrested for Heroin possession and was sentenced to rehab. She claims that she has always been thin but gained weight while in the facility which would explain her appearance on The Simple Life shortly after. Over a period of three years Richie went from a healthy girl to a woman in the body of a child at 5’2’’ weighting just under 90lbs. Read More »

Everyone knows that sex without a condom is better than with that thin latex lining. According to guys it “feels amazing” and is “probably the best thing on earth.” But we also know that no matter how good it is (better than fat free cheese cake for sure), it isn’t good enough to risk getting pregnant and spending our days playing peek-a-boo instead of beer pong.

Enter the birth control pill.

Seems like the perfect fix. 99.9% effective (when taken correctly, ladies) and no annoying de-sensitizing barrier to get in the way of some good old fashioned sex. It is probably the best thing to be invented since the wheel (though I would argue the Oh-My-Bod is totally up there), so it always comes as a huge surprise to people when I say that I really truly hate taking the pill.

“WHAT? WHY? HOW??!” you ask. Here are my top 10 reasons: Read More »

Have you heard the rumors? Nicole Richie might be pregnant. With that ugly guy’s baby. What’s his name? Joel “My Face Looks Like Someone Punched It Repeatedly” Madden.

The two have only been together a few months, but sources are saying that Nicole definitely has one in the oven, and might have just done so to keep herself out of jail.

What? you say, that’s a horrible reason to have a baby! You say that because you’re a rational human being with a tight grip on reality. Ms. Richie is not like you. She has a famous dad and lots of money and spends her time doing nothing. She’s also facing jail time for a DWI arrest that happened earlier this year. Dealing with consequences is not on her agenda—it’s too full of doing nothing—and since she’s removed from the normalcy you and I inhabit every day, having a baby to stay out of jail probably seems like a fantastic idea.

What do you think, lovelies? Is Nicole spoiled enough to have herself a Keep-Me-Out-Of-Jail baby? Or is it just media speculation?