T.I. may not be the top candidate for Role Model of the Year, but sometimes with guys, you just don’t care. The sizzling Atlanta rapper has been heating up the Bilboard charts since 2004 with hits like “Bring ‘Em Out“  and “Live Your Life.”  He’s collaborated with industry big shots Justin Timberlake, Rihanna, and Pharrell Williams, who called him the “Jay-Z of the South.”

Musical success aside, T.I. (born Clifford Joseph Harris, Jr.) boasts what is arguably one of the hottest bods in the rap world.  From his impeccable pecs to his absolutely awesome abs, T.I. is cut like a diamond. To top it off, his steely-eyed sneer could coax even the most prudish of women into his bed for a thorough eff.  And you know you can call the shots, because he has promised you “Whatever  You Like.”

Today, however, T.I. departs the public as he begins a one-year prison sentence for pleading guilty to a charge of posessing an unregistered weapon.  But he’s already spent a lot of time accounting for his crime on the MTV hit “Road to Redemption,” in which he speaks with troubled teens to keep them from arriving at the same fate as himself.  In my book, demonstrating remorse for one’s mistakes and helping others always score big points on my effability scale.

Besides, his encarceration definitely adds to the forbidden fruit, bad-boy allure he strutts so well.  So, T.I., as you begin your sentence today, have faith that we’ll be thinking of you.  If you ever need a conjugal visit, you know who to call!

Is it true though? Or are the tabloids just running exaggerated fantasies to harpoon mass appeal? It’s hard to know because these grandiose lifestyles are perpetuated by the attention drawn to them (unless the celebrity is actually talented). Case in point — the Kardashian sex tape.

Bad publicity is good publicity, I suppose… especially for the venues that become associated with celebrity attendance (who doesn’t want to go to places where you might see a rockstar in a bar fight or catch Paris Hilton stripping down to… well… a slightly more naked version of her usual self?).

When talking about club publicity, nothing turns up the temp on a particular venue more than the drug habits of the celebrities. The scandalous behaviors of one Miss Britney Spears has made headlines for a variety of clubs in New York including an all time personal favorite, Marquee. Yes, she has been caught using drugs in the public bathrooms all around town and she’s not the only one. The question then becomes, of course, how many drugs are being done in these places? Certainly you run a high risk (pun intended) of being caught abusing drugs if you are a celebrity, but what about us ordinary folk? Are drugs swimming through the clubs as the tabloids would have us believe?

The answer is YES. I would never consider myself a drug abuser, but I know first hand that almost every club I have been to has it’s own underground microcosmic drug scene. Club Stereo was closed last year after several cocaine busts, though this came as no shock as Stereo was known for being “pot friendly” and leaving the club was like opening the Scoobie Doo van (smoke pouring out). Tenjune turns the other cheek when it comes to smoking the reefer in the VIP section and won’t ask why there are so many girls leaving the bathroom with runny noses. The real shocker comes from Le Souk where I witnessed some special k being snorted in the wide open.

I have also witnessed people getting arrested. Again, Club Stereo, you win in this department with flying colors. On two — no three occasions I witnessed drug raids there, but in the end, drug use was far far more frequent than the arrests that were made. This can probably be said true for almost any club and can be said especially true for celebrities. Amongst my celebrity encounters few involved sobriety (or much respect for, I dunno… THE LAW). Indeed, the Studio 54 mentality lives on in places like Bungalow 8 (where you might just order “a rum and coke.. hold the rum”).

These scenes are often under the radar of the public because of tight security. It’s nearly impossible to get in unless you know someone, ARE a celebrity or (at the very least) have your very own assistant. Places rarely have to answer to the law because undercover cops simply do not fit the demographic of these super-dooper (more like super-doper) high-end venues.

This doesn’t mean that the celebrity lives we read about aren’t embellished to perfection, but it certainly adds validity to the stories. The truth of the matter is, we aren’t living lives so separate from those we read about and if anything can be learned from the tabloids, it’s two things: 1) where the drugs are 2) where people get caught doing them.

Well, Nick Hogan is saying otherwise.

What? He’s trying to tell us that jail is like…bad?!

According to a report in Page Six:

“‘Nick’s doing really bad. He’s struggling to even form a sentence,’ one friend said. ‘They have him in a cell by himself, isolated from the general population, because of threats. He didn’t understand how awful jail really is until now.’”

So there you have it; jail sucks. Well, now I guess Nick will know for the next time he decides to race his Toyota Supra while drunk, leaving his friend in a permanent coma. And shouldn’t he be thrilled he’s in a cell by himself, isolated from the other inmates? I’d count myself lucky to be roommate-less and alone in jail. It could be so, so much worse.

Dude, your friend is in a coma forever because of YOU. You’re in jail for a measly 8 months and you have the nerve to complain about it? Maybe you should take this time to quietly meditate on what you did and stop acting like you’re too good for jail. You destroyed a life and in 8 months, you’ll have your own charmed one back.

I think you’re pretty damn lucky.

My first thought was, this is absolutely hysterical. For one, the man is on death row and he has a MySpace page. Come on over to jail and we’ll give you free internet! But I digress. For two, he’s getting the public involved in his final statement before he dies for the murder of a Texan couple back in 1991.

That kind of stopped me in my tracks.

He’s on death row. For murder. I mean, I hate to be so overdramatic with the italics and all, but that’s pretty much how the thought occurred in my mind. (Yes, I think in italics.) This wasn’t just some funny concept anymore. This is a real man, about to be put to death for the real people he killed. If these were my parents who died, I wouldn’t be happy if their killer was seemingly cool enough with it to be making jokes on his death bed, especially if that bed was one they made themselves by the crime they committed. Knight says the contest, which he’s named “Dead Man Laughing” (no, really), isn’t for him, it’s for his fellow inmates awaiting death row. Knight says that he’s, “not trying to get any money… not trying to get any pen pals or anything like that. It’s just, jokes are needed back there. We need some kind of hilariousness. We need something to ease the tension.”

Knight may very well be trying to bring hilarity to the prison cells, but I am sure the victims’ families find nothing funny about his death or the reason for it, and I very much doubt all of his fellow prison mates, many of whom are terrified of the death they face, find comfort in the darkly ironic humor.

While these men are human and I don’t doubt they “need jokes”, they need to not make them at the price of the people to whom they have already caused so much pain to. To make a joke during a statement in which one should be showing their remorse for the crime committed, and making their peace with the world and with the families, is disrespectful. Though Knight “insists he finds no humor in the deaths he caused or in the prospect of his own,” and says that, ““if you’ve gotta go, go with a smile,”” I wonder if that smile is insulting, unintentionally or not?

Should Knight be allowed to tell his joke?

Thank god I have long enough eyelashes, because I just can’t bare the old stinging sensation when it somehow manages (and it always does) to get into my contacts.

But for all my naturalistic ways, I can’t say I’d be happy with using Skittles and Crystal Light to make myself pretty. Thank God I have the freedom to go to the drugstore. The inmates at the Charlotte County Jail aren’t so lucky. They’ve gotta improvise.

“We get some hair grease stuff and put it on our lips.” An inmate recently told reporters, “The ink pens that I have, we use as the eyeliner. This is coffee, the eye shadow. We use the glitter from cards, so thank goodness people send cards with glitter on them.”

“The lips are Crystal Light and the blush is Crystal Light” explains another inmate, explaining the use of “fake-up” is a way to feel human and womanly behind bars. “Basically just being here for so long you’ll find a way to look pretty”.

As a kid, I remember rubbing candy on my lips in an imitation of lipstick, and painting my nails with markers before my mom would let me buy polish, but I can’t imagine doing that sort of thing now. It may help the inmates feel better on the inside, but it seems outright sad to me, like a half-hearted attempt at reclaiming some kind of real world freedom. I’m sure the sugary residue makes it very clear at the end of the day where these ladies really are.

I’ll stick with Neutrogena and obeying the law, thank you very much.

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Besides, if make-up sex is as treasured as it is, I’m sure there’s nothing better than “I’m out of the slammer can you believe it’s been three to five years” sex. Come on, no sane ex-felon would want to be pasty and pale for that.

Since bikinis are not standard issue prison clothing (surprised?), inmates are claiming that they are being sexually discriminated. The girls argue that male inmates can simply take off their shirt and get a well balanced glow while female prisoners don’t have that same luxury.

These fiesty jailbirds are currently petitioning the local prison council, and attempting to challenge them with sex discrimination charges.

Crafty, ladies!

Unfortunately, the answer they’ve gotten so far is that they can lay out in shorts and sport tops. Good thing the prisonettes won’t take that lying down (hehe!). One prisoner complained, “We are treated differently because we are in an institution,” now I could be crazy, but is that not the point? Really, I’m just surprised Paris isn’t part of this coalition. According to TMZ, jailing Paris is costing more than ten times the standard daily amount because of all her special needs. Ten!

But I digress. Another prisoner argued, “We want to be able to enjoy the sun just like everybody else in Sweden, whether they are in an institution or on the outside.” Well, I’m pretty sure those on the outside haven’t committed incarcerable offenses BUT…fair enough. I say if you’re going to take away their sex, booze, and freedom, at least give them a damn bikini.

Beginning June 5th, the lovely Paris will forgo Summer abroad for a Summer behind bars.

Orange is the new black when it comes to jumpsuits. Whether or not she will spend a single day behind bars remains to be seen.

But if the LA County DA has anything to say about it, be careful how you handle your soap Ms. Hilton. There will be no longer be any paparazzi to cover your ass.

Will Paris Go To Jail?