"This worries me...."

Well, it took an entire season but after going home with the top 3 designers – Meana Irina, Giggles Hannah and Hometown Althea –  I think I’m finally invested in Project Runway. Though that might have nothing to do with what the girls are actually working on and more to do with watching Tim Gunn first in a flowery apron and then trying to work that old elevator in Althea’s building. Seriously, seeing the fear in his eyes as he stepped into that death-trap really made all the time I invested in this season worth it.

I mean, really, who says, “Gads!”?

Those Lifetime people really shoveled a lot of sh*t into last night’s one-hour episode. First Tim goes home to check in on the contestants, then the contestants come to New York, then they get feedback from Tim AND Nina AND Michael AND Heidi, then they do a model casting, then they get assigned a 13^th look and then Carol Hannah gets stuck with Christopher. Oh, and she’s barfy.

Whew. I get tired just thinking about it all. But I’m also super excited by everyone’s collections – yes, even Irina. But that might only be because I think her dog is super cute and I’m like a puddle of goo in the face of a little white fluff ball. Although I do think her whole t-shirt-under-something-chic idea rocks (even if I did do a fist-pump of joy when Tim made her re-do them all). What can I say? The girl’s got just as much talent as ‘tude. And that’s a lot.

Althea’s collection is a little different than I expected of her (did anyone expect her to go home and watch a lot of Sci-fi??), but I still sorta dig it. And I don’t care what Tim thinks about that sequined jacket-y thing; Althea made that a year ago and sequins are all the rage now. Either she can see into the future or homegirl is a fashion genius.

And then there’s Carol Hannah, whose collection -despite the fact that I find the designer herself highly annoying – might be my favorite. When she said she was inspired by Duke University I was expecting to see something more along the lines of beer pong and comfy sweats for class. But she obviously sees a college campus differently than I do because she’s making some really beautiful and elegant gowns.

Honestly, I’m not normally a tutu girl (something about being the fat girl in dance class scarred me for life), but I would kill to wear that giant tutu-gone-runway to something. Anything. New Year’s?

I have no idea how things are gonna go down next week. Everyone seem to have one stiletto in the weeds right now (except for Carol Hannah who is elbow deep in there), so who will be able to pull it out on the runway? (Note: am I the only one who gets gross mental images when using the term “pull it out”? Yes? OK….) I can finally say I’m excited to find out. My money’s on Althea.

What do you think?

Is bitchiness contagious, cuz Jordana definitely caught it.

So it’s finally time for Fashion Week. Fashion Week that happened a year ago, but a big moment for those designers who made it through, nonetheless. It’s been a long journey. 12 challenges and ots of lost talent along the way (we’re talking mostly to you, Ra’Mon!). But after last night’s episode, I can honestly say that those judges finally did some good…er…judging.

So let’s give a big thanks to Cindy Crawford. You go, girl. And, DAMN, you look good.

Last night’s challenge was to find some inspiration at L.A.’s Getty Center. I’m not quite sure what that place was or what the purpose of it is, but the mayor was quite proud of it so I went along for the ride. Each designer could choose anything in there to inspire a look and then go to it.

I’m not sure what happened along the way, but it seems that Christopher must have taken a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at a David’s Bridal booth at the Renaissance Fair. The “dress” he put together was heavy, ugly and pretty infuriating if you ask me. And you’re reading this post, so you definitely asked.

"Why'd I get stuck with the weird guy?"

As Chris was constructing this monstrosity, he confessed: “I know my place…I’m the wacky, weird guy.”

No, Christopher, you’re the mentally and stylistically challenged guy who somehow snuck by this far and took a spot from someone who really deserved it. Hell, even Nicolas deserved to make it further than you and he made these. Your sense of style is non-existent, and you’re far too literal with your designing. Really? You drew green flowers on your dress to represent the moss? Welcome to 4th grade, Chris.

And then there’s Jordana. Between her emotional ups and downs (one minute she’s Meana Irina’s BBFF [bitchy BFF] and the next she’s sobbing from some spiritual moment with a painting) she finds her inspiration in a Monet. Or was it a vagina? Because from here it looks a lot like a vagina. A big vagina dress.

"It's like a pencil in a hallway...."

Don’t tell you don’t see it. I saw it the moment that girl came strutting down the runway. And I think the judges saw it, too. Hence their decision. With Paris Hilton doing her thing at Fashion Week, there isn’t room for any more giant vaginas in Bryant Park.

Zing!

Anyways, let’s get to the good stuff. Well, the better stuff, at least. Everyone’s designs looked a hot mess this challenge, but it’s good to see the judges still made the right choice when it came to sending the top 3 to Fashion Week. Althea, Carol Hannah and Irina (even if she’s a giant bitch) have been consistent throughout the season. They all have a unique style and, being that I was betting on Althea from the beginning, I can’t wait to see what these girls bring to the Big Apple.

Well, besides Irina’s ‘tude, Carol Hannah’s nervous laugh and the nipples that inevitably show in all of Althea’s designs.

Wow, I’m actually excited to watch next week! Who ever thought that was possible?!

And homegirl sure knows how to make a faux fur vest. That thing was gorgeous. Although I might be biased considering it was a blustery 38 degrees and rainy when I got home last night. But, still, I wanted to make Irina my new BFF and cozy up inside that vest until April. Or, in the Midwest, July.

But, and there’s always a but, Irina is a big, fat bitch. She’s arrogant, she’s mean, she’s judgmental….and just like 40% of the girls in my high school. The girls I gave the finger to as I pulled out of the parking lot that last day and swore never to see again. The girls who pretend to be confident only to cover up some raging insecurity. Perhaps Irina hates the annoying way she talks? Or she was on the flag team in high school and never got over it?

I don’t know, but she’s a cold-hearted snake.

Although, I guess you can’t totally fault this girl for the things she says. She’s kinda like Kanye (minus the whole Hennessey thing); she is simply saying what everyone else is thinking. And maybe if she was a bit wittier in her insults (a la Michael Kors) we wouldn’t care who she was talking smack about.

And we all know there is plenty of smack to be talked with some of these designers.

I mean, let’s be honest here – Christopher’s frock (the only term that can be used to describe it) looked like a leftover from that Western costume challenge. And Nikolas’s little “Grecian get-up” looked more “Charlotte Russe attempts workwear” than “I’m going to eat some feta on the beach and then rub oil on a six-packed Greek god.” Come on, Nikolas – who wears suit pants in Greece?

Who wears pants at all?

But I do feel bad for weirdo Nikolas. I get that his look was about as appropriate for Greece as my giant blinging Jewish star was for the county fair I went to, but could you imagine losing to….this?

It’s like the time my friend chose our sober roommate as her beer pong partner over me. Like, for real? Her? She’s drinking water! I’m the beer pong CHAMPION.

Oh wait – sorry. Got lost in my thoughts there for a second. Back to that thing Christopher sent down the runway. Really, Chris? We sacrificed Ra’Mon for a Little House on the Prarie dress paired with some unfortunate wedges? I shoulda known a man with a super skinny beard thing could never be trusted in fashion.

P.S. If Althea doesn’t win this entire competition I’ll eat my shoe. Not one of my new pairs of pumps, mind you, but maybe an old pair of Converse. That girl is GOOD.

My dog was put to sleep.

I had a feeling the time was coming – my little Bichon was 15 years old – but hearing my mother tell me that my childhood pet was gone was shockingly painful. And unfortunately for me, none of the hundreds of people that I saw as I walked from the library to my apartment could hear what was happening on the other side of the call…and only saw me sobbing/wiping snot from my face with the palm of my hand.

When I finally did make it home, I was numb. People were calling to check in on me, offering to take me out. I really wanted nothing more than to sit on my couch and cry into a box of tissues, but then I realized I only had paper towel and after a few rounds of sobs into that sand paper, I realized I needed to get out of the house. I needed to distract myself and the only thing that could do that was TV. Reality TV. Project Runway.

So, I met up with a friend for martinis and some quality PRW. I knew that Tim Gunn, Heidi Klum and Epperson could cheer me up, or at least keep my (now hazy, thank you martini!) mind off of things.

Yeah right. Fast forward 53 minutes to judgment time and I’m sobbing once again.

Last night’s challenge was to design a costume for a Hollywood film. (And, obviously, that weird L’Oreal Paris guy was there to pimp his makeup.) The designers had to choose from a few different film genres and create a character, a story and a look within that genre. Tim pulled names out of that little velour (of course he’d have velour!) bag of his, which decided what order designers could pick their genre.

One by one the genres were nabbed up. Last to be picked: Western. It was like the fat kid on the kickball team at recess. (Read: me.) Poor Western, no one wanted it. But it got its vindication later when both Shirin and Epperson created some kickass costumes.

Some of the designers had a really difficult time with this challenge, and rightfully so; for the first time they were being asked to be more costume-y instead of dialing things back. I can only imagine how hard it is to think of things on that level. Others were more successful. It all came down to quite an interesting and exciting runway show. Only, once again, I was left questioning my own taste in fashion as the judges made some shocking and horrifying decisions (that sent me reaching for the tissues/vodka once again).

First of all, Carol Hannah totally get robbed from a top spot this week. Her look was hot and fierce, and definitely better than that white mess of Nikolas’. In fact, Nikolas’ win was what got my tears re-started in the first place. Ok, so it was alright (minus the whole “jizz in her hair” thing), but the judges were ranting and raving about Christopher’s dress. It was gorgeous and he lost to some ice princess with frozen leaves on her shoulder?

But fine – let Nikolas have a win. Let him get all cocky and mess up somewhere down the road. I’m fine with that. What I’m not fine with, and what completely and utterly shocked me to my core and did not help lighten my mood, was the decision to send Ra’Mon home.

Yes, his dress looked like an ugly swamp thing shedding her skin during mating season. Yes, he could have done a lot better with the sewing. I get it. But this is Ra’Mon! He’s the most talented designer on that show! He made one mistake and we’re going to punish him for it? We let Johnny stay around for 4 episodes before giving him the boot! And Michael Kors has been making mistakes for years and he’s still charging $800 for a dress at Neiman’s. WHAT THE HELL?

Seriously, this reminds me of the time my friends wanted to take me to a movie to cheer me up after a bad boy situation. So what did we see? Monster’s Ball. Yeah, only the loss of Ra’Mon was more depressing. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I lost my dog and my designer in a single day.

TGIF. I need a drink.

Well, my former favorite TV show.

I am trying so hard to get excited about this season of PRW, but I just….can’t. Yes, some of the designers (Althea, Ra’Mon) are talented, but they are all just so blah. I mean, let’s get real, the most exciting person on the show (or the most exciting to watch, rather) is Johnny, the former meth-head-turned-pathological-liar who somehow snuck onto the show with a box of needles and zero talent.

Where is the drama? Where are the funny people? Why do I insist on sitting through an hour of this show every week, bored to tears and dreaming about my pizza that’s sitting in the fridge? And how am I supposed to get excited about a bunch of boring people making dresses out of the L.A. Times?

Anyone who is anyone knows that the L.A. Times is good for one thing and one thing only: the crossword puzzle. Was this a PR opportunity for a dying business? Some ploy by the L.A. Times to report higher sales to their advertisers since the designers each took 300 papers?  And how do you think Al Gore felt about this obvious waste of precious materials?!

I agree that it’s pretty awesome to see what some designers can do with such an unconventional material – hell, I can barely fold the newspaper back up after I read it – but that assumes that you’ve got some good designers on your hands. Not people like Johnny, Epperson or Nicolas.

Not that it’s Johnny’s fault, of course. I mean he had a beautiful, Dolce and Gabbana looking gown that got ruined while he was steaming it! Wait… what?
That’s not the true story?
Wait, there’s proof ON FILM that Tim Gunn told him it looked like crapola and he balled it up and threw it away?
What? No!

What is wrong with this dude? I don’t want to be insensitive to his former drug addiction, but is it possible he’s still using something? There is no other explanation for the “birds lifting the dress” dress, the new piece of crap he came up with, or the ridiculous lies. Seriously, Johnny might be the best “This is your brain on drugs” ad campaign there ever was.

Maybe that’s what he can do now that he’s out of a job. Not only did Heidi “Auf” him, but he pissed off Tim Gunn. No one pisses off  the Gunn and expects to make it in the fashion industry. No one.

And I’m pretty sure I know one other person who shouldn’t be going anywhere in fashion: me. Mostly because I didn’t think there was anything special about Irina’s trench coat made of newspaper clippings and spitballs on the collar. It looked cheesy and ugly compared to all the other looks where the newspaper was totally unrecognizable. But the judges LOVED the jacket. It was the winner! Even Eva Longoria Parker and liked it, and she’s a style icon. (Note: I’d understand if Lohan was judging this ep and liked the jacket – that girl is crazy – but Eva?!)

I guess Project Runway and I just aren’t meshing like we used to. I’ll keep watching in hopes that something better has to happen soon, but I think we might be past the point of no return.

But more on that later.

First let’s discuss Tim Gunn in flip flops and Wayfarers. If that’s not the best moment in Project Runway history, I’m not sure what is. I just wanted to pinch those little cheeks. But there was no time for that, what with the surfwear team challenge!

Oooooh.
Aaaaah.

Everyone knows that team challenges are a disaster and a half, so I had a feeling this episode was going to be pretty delicious. I immediately began placing bets (with myself) as to who would work together best, who would go up in flames like a Sambucca shot, and who would just sorta coast through the challenge and get zero camera time.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that Ra’mon and Milk Dud the dud that is Mitchell would be a whole lot of hot mess. Especially after Mr. Mitch declared that he chose Ra’mon so he could “carry him.” I normally love me an adorable gay man, but this guy is just too much.

And how does he welcome his partner to the team? By criticizing Ra’mon for picking out “some pretty ugly things.” You know what, Mitchell? Ra’mon might have an eclectic taste in fabrics, but at least his clothes look good. Yours, on the other hand… well, we’ve all seen your crap coming down the runway (and the nipples exposed beneath it). And so did the judges, which is why you haven’t made it out of the bottom two yet!

Ooooh, SNAP!

Moving on to other drama, because there was other drama. Mostly involving a – SURPRISE!! – second look that each team needed to make. Somehow, all the teams pulled a second look together (some more successfully/less sluttily than others) and everyone sent something down the runway. Even Ra’Mon, who pulled his look together with only 25 minutes to go.

He did so well in fact, that he indeed carried Mitchell into the top two, along with Team Johnny/Irena. I am not sure why either team took that coveted spot (I personally think Althea and Louise totally rocked that runway), but it did make for quite an interesting discussion with the judges.

Mitchell, not the brightest fabric in the store, revealed to the Max Azria and Rachel Bilson (adorbs) that Ra’mon did most of the work even though he was the team leader. He made sure they knew he did the bathing suit – that no one saw – but told them quite boastfully that Ra’Mon did “everything else.”

Insert sound of crickets chirping.

What? You came on this SHOW and didn’t do one thing? You, Mitchell, are like that kid in the class that sits back during a group project and lets everyone else do all the work… and then you get the same A as the rest of us (because my groups always get an A). I hate people like you.

But it’s OK, because in the end everyone got what they deserved. Ra’Mon took home the trophy and, finally, Mitchell got some Heidi stiletto in his ass. Later, Mitchell. We’ll miss you.

Pause.

Not.

Of course, before we got to meet the new designers in the main event, we had a little taste of some of our favorite designers from previous seasons in the Project Runway All-Star Challenge. I was more than happy to spend two hours with Chris March, Santino Rice, Daniel Vosovic, among others, but after seeing the snooze-fest of a cast that is season six, I wish I hadn’t been teased with such greatness.

Yeah, I said it. I think this season’s cast is bo-to-the-ring. But we’ll get to that in a moment.

The All-Star challenge was star studded (Nicole Kidman, what?!), suspenseful (“Project Runway on steroids,” according to Uli), and fun to watch (except for Jeffrey’s new ‘stache – what the eff was up with that?). And it had a fantastic ending for my favorite designer in PR history, which I won’t share here in case some of you missed it. (It was Daniel! Sorry, I can’t keep it to myself. I just love him so much and he should have one the first time around!!)

Once King Daniel was crowned, it was time for the real deal: the Project Runway Season 6 premiere. I ran to the bathroom quickly (turning the TV up loud enough so I wouldn’t miss a moment), then grabbed a snack and settled in for amazingness.

And I waited.
And waited.

Yup. A full 60 mins went by and I got nothing. Sure, some of the new designers proved they had the talent to be on the show, and some of them brought the weird, but did any of them have a Christian/Santino/Jay McCaroll personality? One word: nopers.

Granted, I did enjoy watching the challenge. In fact, I was quite relieved when I heard it was to design an outfit that showcased who these people were as designers and innovators, because in the past the crazy-weird challenges sometimes led to early dismissals of people that could’ve stayed longer. This was an open challenge and really let us see what each of these designers were about. And what did we learn?

Apparently Johnny is all about crying.
Ari is all about being a super-freak.
And Mitchell is all about showing off his model’s lady parts.

And who got to judge all this madness coming down the runway? None other than Lindsay Freaking Lohan. As in repeat-rehab, fire-crotch, tanorexic Lohan. I couldn’t believe it! Lindsay Lohan…was working! And she looked good! And she spoke eloquently! And I seriously had issues wrapping my mind around the fact that this girl – the queen of the crotch shot – was judging other people’s designs. But she did a great job and gave some pretty good feedback.

Even to freakaleak, Ari.

For a moment I thought she was going to love that spacey soccer ball design because:
1) It’s super short, which is perfect for vajayjay flashing, and
2) Ari looks JUST. LIKE. SAMANTHA RONSON. Did anyone else see that? OMG, it was eery.

Anyways, Christopher ended up winning the challenge because of his cute black ruffle dress (which was one of the only memorable ones, right?), but I also LOVED Ra’mon’s (love his name too) navy asymmetrical gown. It just screamed Red Carpet.

And while I’m sad the biggest freak of all got sent home (seriously, that girl wanted to make clothes that could turn into tents with water filtration systems??), I’m not sure I could handle her spandex onesies for another episode. Auf….er…See ya later, Ari!