I like sex. A lot. And while I consider myself to be fairly sexually experienced, I can count my sexual partners on one hand, and the vast majority of my experiences were with someone I was in a long-term relationship with. I am not a slut.

I’ve been seeing the word “slut” thrown around so much lately and I find it totally misleading. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a slut is “a slovenly or promiscuous woman” — in other words, a dirty woman who has sex with a multitude of different partners.

I’ve noticed that there are a few CollegeCandy commenters who target our writers as sluts because they’re sharing their experiences. To those people, I say – have an open mind. Like everything else in this life, everyone has different sexual needs. Some people feel that sex should be shared between two people after marriage, and a person should only have one partner their entire life. Others feel that having one sexual partner for life is impractical and unfulfilling. I challenge you to believe that both are okay.

I would also like to offer to you that there is a difference between being a slut and being a sex-positive female. We live in a society that is smothered in all things sex, but why do we still view the ladies that partake in such activities as whores? While I’m in no way advocating risky, promiscuous sex, I think it needs to be said that SEX IS A GOOD THING, and talking openly about it works to slowly but surely remove the stigma attached to it.

Sure, there really are some sluts out there. Women who have sex with everything that moves in order to fill a void, and have no respect for themselves. But it’s important to remember that the majority of the ladies at the club, in school, or those that write for CollegeCandy do not fit into that category. They enjoy sex for a variety of different reasons and see sex as a positive thing, even if it’s just a one night stand.

Sex is a positive thing.

What I’m saying here, ladies, is that we need to stop calling ourselves, our friends, and those girls in the mini-skirts sluts. It’s not fair and, more importantly, it’s not right. Once we all embrace our sexuality, we make it no longer okay for others to judge our decisions.

We gotta stick together. You with me?

About a month and a half ago, I wrote about testing positive for Chlamydia. It’s been hard on me ever since then to really come to terms with it. Sure, it was easy to get rid of (just a few pills) and I don’t have to relive it by telling every past or future partner that I have an STD, but the worst part for me is the stigma. It is a sad but true fact that I chose not to tell anyone close to me. Not even my friends. I was afraid of being judged. No matter what kind of STD you get, curable or not, there is a stigma that comes along with being a person who has one.

I know, I’ve been one to judge before.

But now that I’m here – someone who had an STD – I know that not everyone who gets infected by a sexually transmitted disease is promiscuous or slutty. Unfortunately, many STDs are results of bad decisions. I made one and trusted someone I should have known better than to trust.

I’m lucky that I don’t have to tell anyone about what I had, but in an effort to be honest with someone I was seeing, I told him. At first he seemed happy that I was honest with him, but things changed and I knew he saw me differently. He saw me for the mistake I made instead of the person he had spent so long getting to know and with that little piece of information, everything changed.

I learned a lot from this experience, and the thing I learned the most is not to judge someone. If someone trusts you enough to share something about their life like that, don’t let that change the way you look at them. It is more than likely that he or she made one bad decision – one that you may have made many times with no repercussions – and are now living with the unfortunate results.

The other big lesson I’m taking from this is, of course, to be safe. Trust no one. Most people don’t even know they have something, so think twice before you let your libido make your decisions for you. An hour of fun is not worth a lifetime of regret.

[Photo courtesy of Amvollmar on Flickr.]

After reading about one CollegeCandy writer’s scary STD experience, I realized that I had not been tested in over 4 years. Before I was having actual sex. It’s not like I never thought about it; it’s just that I never considered myself someone who needed to be tested. Doesn’t make much sense when I say it out loud, but in my head I kept thinking of my former, not sexually active, self, and never thought that I was at risk.

But last week I called my doctor and made an appointment. And every day for the past 7, I have picked up the phone to call my doctor back and cancel. What if I have something? What if I have something serious? What do I do? Do I call all of my previous partners? I mean, it’s been 4 years! Who knows where I got something from and who I passed it onto. And, as embarassing as this is to say, there is one partner in particular in there whose name I do not even know…

But I did not cancel. I acted like the adult that I am and I went to my gyno to get tested.

When I went into the office a nurse took me to my room and asked me why I was there. As I walked past older women, moms and very pregnant women, I was embarassed. “I’m here to get an STD test.” She took my blood pressure (which was higher than normal), made me pee in a cup, told me to undress from the waist down, and left the room. Because getting tested for STDs wasn’t enough – I also had to show my very unkempt bikini line to the doc and her assistant.

My doctor came in. “Is there a specific reason you think you need to get tested?” I explained how I read a very scary article (on a very fabulous website!). She looked impressed. And then she got down to business.

“How many sexual partners have you had?”

“Um. 7.” I waited for her to pass judgement.

“Great! Insurance companies do not cover STD testing for anyone who has had less than 5 partners, so good work on those last two.”

Yes, that was an actual conversation. Apparently insurance companies reward the promiscuous; financially, it does not make sense for them to cover all STD testing because they think women with less than 5 partners have a lower chance of being infected. I know I’m just a college student, but doesn’t it take just one partner to get something? Perhaps this is why STDs are spreading so much? Just a thought…

Anyways, the doctor had to go downtown to take some swabs for HPV and gonorrhea, then she took blood for the rest: HIV, syphillis, chlamydia, etc. She asked me if I wanted to get tested for Herpes, explaining that 1 in 4 people have it and the test would not differentiate between genital (and more serious) Herpes, or just a canker sore in my mouth.

“Yes!” I thought to myself. “She’s giving me an out from finding out if I have Herpes!” But I did not let my wussy side take over. I need to know everything. How would I feel if someone passed something onto me that they very well could have prevented?

At the end of my appointment my doctor told me that she thinks I am all clean before she handed me a lollipop (yes, for real). My results will be in on Friday and I am freaking out. But at the same time I feel really good about going. This is something that I needed to do and something that we all need to do. There is a reason STDs affect so many people and it’s because people are spreading them unknowingly.

Knowing is scary, but as sexually active adults, it is our responsibility to know.

The Unofficial

Have you noticed that guy who trails three feet away from the girl who has a steady boyfriend? Or that girl who silently stalks the team player? Yup, they are The Unofficial.

The Unofficial is the guy or girl who is not the main entrée of the relationship. He or she is the appetizer before the main entrée… or maybe just the wilted salad. They are the one that someone turns to in order to curb their hunger before the main relationship meal.

The unofficial is whispered about by his/her friends and acquaintances. He/she is not appreciated for intelligence or personality; they are more often likened to slabs of meat waiting to be used.

The Unofficial is usually a promiscuous guy or girl who seeks attention from the opposite sex. There are no limits to their seduction tactics. The target is always someone in a relationship and the ultimate goal is to steal the title. Unfortunately, all they get is a little physical attention and a whole lotta false hope.

The Unofficial has a reputation for being “unofficial” to a lot of people. The Unofficial is so named because he/she is a serial side piece. Unofficial-ism may even last for years! He/she has never been in a real relationship and make themselves and others believe they are free spirits. They claim to be able to jump from person to person (even if that person is in a relationship) performing “acts of love” without fear of repercussion, guilt or shame.

He/she is a not a bad person – just someone with inferior morals, low self esteem or a longing to be loved by the one they admire. Who always happens to be in love with someone else. The unofficial would do anything to become the main squeeze. But the main squeeze they will never be. Instead, they will stand by as their target moves into other relationships, watching from a not-so-safe distance.

In many cases, The Unofficial is also transitional, though not to be confused with the rebound. The rebound is someone who has a chance of being the official girl or guy. That is not that case for The Unofficial. If the target male or female is suddenly single, The Unofficial warms the bench until the star player arrives. The Unofficial/ will never actually become an official. They just do not have the qualities.

You might be able to laugh off some of these poor decisions, but in other cases, you might reap the consequences, especially if your fling affects the people around you. Here are some awkward hook up scenarios that you may just wish to avoid in the future.

1. Your Best Friend’s Brother.

Usually, you give your best friend all of the deets regarding your trysts, and she listens, and laughs, and offers advice when necessary. No can do when you’ve crossed the line into sibling snogging. Your best friend doesn’t want to picture her brother in any type of sexual situation. If the hook up turns into something more, congratulations, but you’re still not going to be able to share certain details, because the guy won’t want you gossiping to his sister, and your friend won’t want to hear it. Dating the brother might also strain your friendship, depending on whether your friend resents your decision.

If things go sour with the brother and you remain friends with your BFF, you’re bound to run into him in the future. Another thing to keep in mind is that if things go sour, your friend will probably side with her bro, because blood is thicker than the those vodka tonics you guys share at the bar.

2. One of Your Brother’s Friends

Just like your BFF’s brother is off-limits, your brother’s friends are also risky business. Your brother certainly doesn’t want to imagine you hooking up any more than you do, and he certainly doesn’t want to hear any “locker room” talk among the boys once the rest of his crew finds out about your promiscuous ways.

3. A Co-Worker

Getting it on with someone from the office is up for debate. I have plenty of friends who have hooked up with, or are currently dating someone at work and have figured out a way to balance work and pleasure. Still, tread lightly. A one night stand with a co-worker can easily go awry, and you don’t want to zone out in a meeting because you’re recalling the multiple orgasms from last weekend. Also, if the rumor mill churns out a he-said/she-said account of the fling, you’re going to have to face your colleagues around the water cooler and wonder if they still think of you as a professional. If feeling uncomfortable isn’t enough to turn you off from hooking up, remember that many businesses frown upon inter-office relations, and you could be jeopardizing your job.

4. The Guy You Only Hooked Up With Because the Guy You Wanted Turned You Down

You get decked out for a party with one goal: Hook up with Joe. You get a decent buzz on and walk in on Joe making out with some girl on the sofa in the middle of the party. Feeling rejected, you engage in conversation with Tom, who is more than willing to swap spit with you. The next day, you regret Tom, and Joe changes his Facebook status to “In a Relationship.” Double burn.

If you don’t know the guy, aren’t attracted to him, or don’t have feelings for him at all, you are a thousand times more likely to regret adding his notch to your belt. It will also definitely add to the morning-after “What was I thinking?” factor.

5. Your Strictly Platonic Guy Friend (Until Last Night, That Is)

Can guys and girls be close on a strictly platonic level, or are feelings bound to be stirred up by one or both parties? Not only can hooking up with your best guy friend change your relationship forever, but it can also be disappointing.

Case in point: I was super close with a guy in college, and everyone thought we liked each other (we didn’t). The rumors alone weirded out my friend, because he wasn’t sure if he should believe them. We worked through it, and when he transferred, we kept in touch. One summer, I went to visit him, and it was like nothing had changed…until we had sloppy, drunken, mismatched sex later.  I think it happened out of sheer curiosity, and we learned that our naked bodies simply don’t mesh well together.

We said our goodbyes the next day and pretended that it never happened. The end.

6. A Girl. But You’re Straight.

If you want to experiment, college is the perfect time and place. When I was in college, it was the norm to see girls making out at parties or bars, for no reason other than shock value and attention. Then Katy Perry’s runaway smash “I Kissed a Girl” came out and glamorized same sex experimentation.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with same sex relationships, and nothing wrong with experimenting. But making out with your girlfriends can lead to just as excruciating an aftermath as a one-nighter with your guy friend.

Anybody out there have any experiences that fall into any of the above categories? We’d love to hear them, along with any other types of awkward sexual situations that we should all learn to avoid.

[Photo courtesy of thenoyes.com]

Everybody thinks they totally understand slutty people. When we hear about a guy or a girl who has a knack for falling into other people’s beds, we all immediately become psychologists.

They don’t like themselves. They’re looking for acceptance, a father figure, someone to mother them. They’re afraid of love, of commitment, of being appreciated—I mean, I could go on for hours.

But what if a lot of our promiscuous peers were just…friendly?

A new study by “Patrick and Charlotte Markey of Villanova and Rutgers universities, respectively,” sheds some interesting light on personality traits verses licentious actions. It seems that people who get around are either “cold” (as in distant, bitchy, and emotionless) or “warm” (as in friendly, nice, open), with “very few people falling in between”.

While it certainly isn’t news that people who sleep around can often be characterized as “cold”, the idea that other promiscuous beings are just really friendly is something completely new.

“Some people might sleep with multiple partners not because they are selfish,” explains one of the researchers, “but because they view sexual activity as an extremely warm activity and want to share it with others.”

I prefer showing my friendliness through a hug or handshake, but if getting naked and having sex is how you do it, then more power to you, my friend.

…Just make sure you’ve got a bag full of condoms before heading out to that social function.