We’re back with another edition of G.W.W.E. (Guys We Wanna Eff)!

Ladies, do you like a good nibble during a makeout sesh? Do you get off on the idea of escaping from the perils of public life into seclusion with your hunk? Do you get hot for precariously messy coifs? If you said ‘yes!’ to all of these questions, and can stand the sight of blood without fainting, Robert Pattinson may be the boy-toy for you.

At 23, Pattinson has set the world ablaze with his vacant, erotic stare that communicates the only emotion I ever need to know: ‘I want to eff the sh*t out of you.’ The hottie shot to fame last fall  for his film role as bloodsucking, sexy vampire Eddie Cullen in the Twilight series. Ever since, ladies aged 8 to 88 have been fainting in the streets at the mere sight of the British hunk, who has been known to instigate spontaneous orgasm with a single scowl.

Most recently, Robert has been making headlines in New York for the legions of girls who’ve come out to stalk him catch a glimpse as he films his new movie, Remember Me, in the Big Apple. Just last week, the effable villain was clipped by a New York taxi cab as he tried to escape the hordes of tween girls throwing themselves upon him in lust. But breathe easy ladies, he’s fine (or shall I say, he’s foyne!).

So, RP, I confess: your devilish grin has inspired me to return to my TigerBeat roots and pin up your photos all over my walls. And refrigerator. And, well, the inside of my medicine cabinet. No facade in my home has been spared from your infinitely effable visage. When you’ve decided you’ve had enough of the tween fandom and want a real woman, come scowl in my direction.

Poor Brit-Brit has to tighten security after death threats!

Remember the brand new car Lindsay Lohan bought last week? Well, today her assistant crashed it.

What’s the deal with invitation only shopping websites?

Audrina Patridge is looking hot!

Give a cop the finger, go ahead, its legal now.

Is it weird to be jealous of the Marc Jacob’s future children?

Seven and a half years later, Harrison Ford may have finally popped the question.

What would you do for a little publicity?

Anne Hathaway will be playing legendary star Judy Garland on stage and in theater.

Check out the end to split ends.

Maybe this will help separate you from the the Ebay pack.

All along I thought things couldn’t get worse: the economy is in the crapper, I can’t fit into my skinny jeans and my Chi started smoking when I turned it on this morning.

Oh but they can.

And they did.

People are talkin’, and what are they saying? Spencer and Heidi got married in Cabo. (Insert scary movie sounds here.)

The wedding was allegedly unplanned, but there is not a person on this earth who believes that this wasn’t some major publicity stunt for the Devil Couple that fell out of the limelight when real things started happening. Like the election.

But now? I can only imagine the Speidi publicity storm that is about to erupt:

1. Exclusive wedding photos sold to the highest bidding tabloid.

2. Heidi and Spencer going to every late night talk show to discuss this secret wedding.

3. A new fashion line from Heidi with slutty and trashy wedding gowns for last minute brides.

4. Exclusive video footage (shot by someone Spencer and Heidi hired) of their deep and meaningful vows leaked to the press.

5. A love song duet with accompanying music video shot on the beach.

6. Their own (gasp) reality show…on Bravo.

Please God, if you are out there, let this not be true. And if it is true, please promise me they will be unable to procreate. Mankind is depending on you.

It seems that nothing can stop Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s quest for fame. Of any sort. At all. Whatever they have to do. Just to be famous.

First they hired photographers to follow them to the beach to capture Heidi just laying out and having a normal day. Then they shot that low budget and horrific music video. And now it seems that the Platinum Pair are developing a video game.

Yes, you heard me right; a video game.

No one really knows what to expect, but Spencer told Us Weekly, “Let’s just say that everyone will be addicted.”

Obviously that means that we will be able to hurt/torture/pummel both Heidi and Spencer, because I can’t imagine any other sort of activity that would make me a Heidi/Spencer addict. I am imagining some sort of James Bond meets Grand Theft Auto situation. You know, with guns and violence.

Or maybe something like The Sims where you can run Heidi and Spencer’s lives. That could also be addicting; putting them in the bear cage at the zoo. With steaks strapped to their bodies. Or sending Heidi to an all-you-can-eat buffet and forcing her to consume carbs. And maybe, although this may be a little too much, getting Spencer a job!? Read More »