Fall TV: What to watch and what to skip.

Ashton Kutcher shoots down cheating rumors.

Oooo Diddy’s in trouble.

5 reasons school is better than summer.

Sunless tanners should come with warning labels.

Wow, Jon Gosselin is worse than we thought.

I want to be P. Diddy’s child.

Blonde myths debunked.

Can someone explain what is going on here?

We need to get to Forever 21 now!

What the hell are Kanye and Amber Rose wearing!?

10 situations to be in with The Situation.

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Everyone loves a diva.  Well, not really.  They just think that everyone loves them, despite having no real talent or anything to offer to society.  When you say “diva,” two women jump to mind – Mariah Carey and Jenifer Lopez.  The glitz, the glamor, the bad acting and the attitude (ohhh the attitude) define who they are.   Where would we be without these ladies?  Probably in a much less annoying world, but let’s make a list just to be sure…

Career
Mariah Carey is a machine, pumping out annoying hit after annoying hit.  Yes, I hate her music.  No, I can’t stop myself from trying to sing along with her in my car.  However, I categorically refuse to watch Glitter or any of her other attempts at “acting.”  Most of the rest of the world seems to refuse as well.

Jennifer Lopez used to be a good actress (Selena! I was so down with watching that movie every day in fifth grade…in between Titanic showings, of course).  Then something terrible happened and she started making movies like Angel Eyes and Monster-In-Law.  Her music isn’t great either.

Point: Mariah Carey. Every time I sing one of her songs, I die a little inside.  Plus,  you can’t beat Selena.

Diva Stock
Mariah Carey is infamous for her diva-like tendencies, from canceling TV appearances at the last minute to traveling with her own furniture.  She’s had highly publicized emotional “break downs” and reappeared in the media, batting her eyelashes, almost instantly once she got the attention she craved.  Really, Mariah?  You’re from Long Island.  Calm yourself.

Jennifer Lopez has earned plenty of diva status with her pages of requests that are sent anywhere she intends to roll into with her entourage (which, btw, includes her hairstylist and personal chef).  I just can’t see what would make her think she can order people to change entire lighting schemes just to make herself look better…although that is an amazing idea and I will so start to require complimentary lighting wherever I go.

Point: Jennifer Lopez. Jenny from the Block?  I’m so sure.  Let’s see what happens if you roll up in the Bronx with your entourage and list of demands.

Camera Whorishness
Mariah Carey loves her some photography.  And by photography, I mean she loves when people take pictures of her (and talk about her and admire her and etc., etc.).  Unfortunately, the camera doesn’t love her back and we’re all stuck with unfortunate results plastered all over our gossip mags and blogs.

Jennifer Lopez also loves the spotlight, but thanks to the influence of her intensely-private husband, seems to be stepping back more often.  I mean, her face is still everywhere, but I don’t see it even when my eyes are closed anymore.  Win.

Point: Mariah Carey. Just…stop.

Love Life
Mariah Carey has been tied to quite a few celeb dudes in her time (was anyone else supremely amused by the whole Eminem thing??) and was married early on in her career.  Now she’s married again and to Nick Cannon.  Was he drugged?  I feel like he’s a pretty chill and funny dude…what’s he doing with that diva??

Jennifer Lopez moves from high-profile relationship to high-profile relationship (by relationship, I mean marriage…she’s had a lot of those) with alarming (but somewhat impressive) speed.  From her time spent with Puffy (there was a pretty gangsta gun fight in there somewhere, I think) to her participation as half of the beast that was the original Bennifer.

Point: Jennifer Lopez. Oh, Bennifer.  How you used to amuse me.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Mariah Carey. Aging divas are generally unpleasant creatures, but Mariah takes the cake (and definitely eats it, too) with her sliding career and increasing amount of attitude.  Unfortunately, that won’t prevent me from belting out “Touch My Body” in my car the next time it comes on the radio.  Fail.

Earthquake rocks California.

A Spanx clothing line? Where do we sign up?!

Something’s wrong with Josh Hartnett.

Does PETA kill animals?

Gisele makes me want to work out cry in the corner.

Fox’s newest dating show…for the larger people.

P. Diddy is racist?

A cure for the bikini bumps.

Madonna won’t let Octomom out mom her.

Wonder weener? What!?

Diddy tends to overshare (we already know the guy likes Brazilian waxes…on himself); that I know. What I didn’t know was why his new choice of sex made him feel good enough to use exclamation points. He just doesn’t seem like an exclamation point kinda guy. I mean, the man doesn’t smile!

So, what’s the deal with Tantric sex?

According to this article, Tantric sex seeks out to “reclaim the sexual intimacy that is our birthright.” It’s all about connecting mind, body, soul, emotion, and sexuality. Tantric teachers show students how to extend their sexual peak so that partners can experience several orgasms in one session.

What. The. Eff? No wonder Diddy’s feeling great; the man is having more orgasms than I’m having Cakesters. Right now. And that’s a lot.

I can’t even experience a single orgasm in one session, and Diddy’s gettin’ multiple? And having time to Twitter?! Where do I sign up?

I’ve already started researching the ways of Tantric sex and plan on studying that stuff like I’m studying for finals. Er, um, well,  better than I would study for finals! And probably instead of studying for finals.

Thanks for oversharing, Diddy. Now I love you for more than just Danity Kane.

I love cute baby pictures as much as the next pre-menstrual girl, but this? This is just a bit much. The bowties, the total nudity, the seductive look on Diddy’s face.

I feel so…dirty.

I know Danity Kane is in the crapper, but there are other ways to make a buck, P Dids.

How was Katie Holmes’ debut on Broadway?

It’s hard not to get laid these days, but some guys are just really good at it.

Paris Hilton has a champagne?

What does your Facebook group say about you?

She created the Morning After Bag; see what Rebecca Minkoff has coming next.

Tyra Banks is effing NUTS.

Audrina finally moves out of Chateau de Conrad.

This gives new meaning to the term “Big Daddy”

Pamela Anderson is dating an albino?

Puff Daddy, or Poop Daddy?

A little Will Ferrell comedy relief to get you through your Friday.

Giving credit where credit is due…hundreds of years later

Top Shop is coming to America with these awesome looks.

The top 10 penis types.

Margaret Cho won’t vote for Palin, but would totally eff her.

Those days may soon be over. When I was sitting at my salon waiting for my appointment, I was flipping through this week’s Us Weekly, when I learned some very personal information about some of Hip Hop’s biggest stars.

Apparently, both Puff Daddy and Jay-Z are all about the male Brazilian. (Yeah, Beyonce!)

As in: hot wax, being applied to their man parts (and cracks!) and being ripped off by a large woman (most likely in need of a lip wax). Jay-Z was even quoted as saying, “bald is beautiful.”

So. Many. Thoughts. Going. Through. My. Mind.

One, I would rather not think of Puff Daddy lying on the table getting his balls waxed. But, at the same time, I got sorta excited at the thought of those men – who are all about bangin’ bitches – feeling and understanding the pain that women go through to stay beautiful and “feminine.”

(My stylist says: “That sh*t hurts and it’s about freaking time they realized!”)

(Her gay assistant says: “It makes everything look so much bigger!”)

I also found myself grinning at the thought of this trend taking off and sweeping the nation. Just imagine doing naughty things to your man without having to deal with the hair hurdle!

I decided to do some research into the minds of boys. I needed to know if this was something I could look forward to the next time I brought a boy home.

Answer: no.

I guess I got a little ahead of myself on this one; looks like most guys don’t have the threshold for pain down there like our Diddy and Jay.

What do you think? Are you for or against the male Brazilian? You gonna make your man get one?

[Disturbing photo courtesy of VanityFair.com]

“Prince Charming” continues to say stupid sh*t

Plus size summer fashion, baby!

Um, don’t eat the tomatoes

Wicked famous sports stars going broke? They’re not stupid, they’re just too trusting

Jessica Simpson gets inpsired by her own boobs

Is your summer fling already dead in the water?

I’ve figured it out. Puff Daddy wants to be Sybile. You know, the woman who had 13 personalities?

Know your in season fruit, mamas!

You might be dating a criminal if: you’re Anne Hathaway

[photo of R. Everett from abc.net]

Hate it or love it, here are some throwback jams to start your evening:

“OPP” by Naughty by Nature

Yeah, you know me!

Other people’s property? Sure… that’s what it means. Whether you know any of the actual lyrics or not, you can’t not scream the chorus.

“Shoop” by Salt N Pepa.

Ummm you’re packed and you’re stacked, ‘specially from the back / Brotha wanna thank ya motha for a butt like that…

I can’t not be happy when I hear this song. I also have it memorized and spontaneously start rapping when it comes on. My friends have learned to embrace it.

“Mo Money, Mo Problems” by the Notorious B.I.G., featuring Puff Daddy (before he was Diddy and making bands) and Ma$e.

It’s like the mo’ money we come across, the mo’ problems we see…

Seventh grade dances, anyone? Come onnnn you know you love it.

“I Wish” by Skee Lo

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller…

Skee Lo was probably five four and had no game, but someone found it amusing to give him a rap deal and brighten all of our lives back when MTV played videos.

“Nothin But A G Thang” by Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre.

One, two, three and to tha fo’…

If Snoop and Dr. Dre were at my door, I could die happy. As it is, I have to settle for their soundtrack. You may also consider “Gin and Juice,” if you’re feeling laaaaaid back, with your mind on your money and your money on your mind.

“Rump Shaker” by Wrecks N Effect

I like the way ya comb your hair, uh /

I like the stylish clothes ya wear, uh…

Alright, we all wanna zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom…. The terrible lyrics suck you in.

“Make Em Say UHHHH” by Master P

UHHHH, na-NA-na-NA, na-NA-na-NA

He’s not talented, but you want to say “uhhhh” right along with him.

“E.I.” by Nelly

Oh ohhhh, what’s poppin tonight?

First of all, the entire Country Grammar album should be on your pregame playlist. But I’m going to assume you knew that.

“Can I Get A…” by Jay Z, featuring Ja Rule (where did he go??) and that one chick

…or even worse, if I was broke, would ya want me?

We all loved Rush Hour, and we all bought the soundtrack and listened to it religiously. Own it.

“Roll Out” by Ludacris

Now where’d you get that platinum chain with them diaaaaaaamonds in it?

It’s a tossup between this and “Fantasy,” but this is just so fun …

“Feel So Good” by Ma$e

Bad, bad, bad, bad boy, ya make me feel so goooood…

Yes, he’s getting a lot of play on this list, but it’s only because he disappeared. It’s too bad he became a preacher. Revisit his glory days, you know, before “Breathe, Stretch, Shake.”

So these are some of my favorite essentials. Make yourself a mix and start your evening off right!