I remember my college graduation like it was yesterday. After a group of my friends threw an open bar graduation party for family and friends the night before, I woke up graduation morning hungover, naked and confused about  my whereabouts. I rolled over to find myself lying next to the first college friend I made at orientation.

“Fitting,” I thought to myself. Then I grabbed my clothes (all but one shoe…which I told myself I could live without) and ran out the door. If I didn’t get home soon, I would be late for graduation.

I hailed a cab on the corner of the street and hopped in. On the short ride back to my house, I passed families all dressed up for the great moment that was their son/daughter/grandchild/cousin/brother/sister’s graduation. I looked down at the clothes I wore the night before and the unidentified scars that can only come from a night of heavy drinking on someone else’s tab.

“Fitting,” I thought to myself again. Read More »

I remember those naive high school days when puking during a rager meant that a) you couldn’t control your liquor and b) the party was over, for you. That’s why I was shocked one night during my freshman year of college, when my friend came back from the bathroom and proudly announced, “Oh, man, I just puked my brains out!”

I immediately switched to babysitter-mode. “Are you okay? Do we need to leave?” I asked, fully concerned.

“Nope!” My friend replied. “Got more room for beer now!”

At the time, this was an unprecedented occurrence to me. I’d never considered the theory of “puke and rally.”

A few years later, I’ve totally become acquainted with this practice. One summer, after a coworker tried unsuccessfully to light three consecutive shots of Sambuca on fire in mouth, I knew that that much booze so quickly was not going to be good. After the third shot went down, I booked it for the bathroom and barfed. A friend was worriedly knocking on the bathroom door, concerned as I had once been for my own friend. I opened the door, and she asked if I was okay. My response?

“Let’s rage!” Read More »

Disclaimer: This article is about a toilet seat scale. I’m going to get pretty mother-effing personal here. So if you don’t want to hear it, go read this week’s “Overheard on Campus” or “How You Do,” and get your CC fix there. Hell, feel free to read my Gossip Girl recap and comment on that.

Yup, they’ve thought of it. The toilet seat scale. In case you don’t have time to stand up and wait about three seconds for your weight to show up. You can kill two birds with one stone by checking your weight and peeing out your recommended eight daily glasses of water at the same time. And everyone knows, we Americans love to multi-task.

That was my initial reaction to the news of the toilet seat scale. Read More »

There are two types of drinkers. The kind that can handle their liquor, and the kind that can’t. The kind of drunk who is the life of the party, and the kind the party wants to punch in the face. What kind of person are you? Ask yourself which of the following qualities apply to you:

Annoying drunk people…

1. Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

2. Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” and then reach for a bottle of Bud Lite, Jager, Windex, anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of inxotication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

3. Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

4. Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night. Read More »

Dear Friends/Family/That Random Taxi Driver That Picked Me Up and Took Me Home After Finding Me Face First On The Sidewalk,

Sometimes I like to drink. A lot. And on those occasions I may or may not (okay, always) do stupid things. It is not me, you see; it is the alcohol. In fact, it is not until the morning after when I am chugging Gatorade and trying to get my bed to stop spinning that I even realize exactly what went down. And I feel bad – really, I do. So, I want to take this opportunity to apologize for it all.

To The Bartender: I am sorry that I hopped over the bar and drank beer directly from the tap. And attempted to spray my friends with Tonic Water. And knocked over that giant stack of glasses….

To My Best Friend: I am sorry that I bit your hand when you tried to take my falafel away from me. Yes, I know I said we would share. I am also sorry that I stole your shoe…and drank a beer out of it. And that I peed in your garbage can. Oh, wait. That was your sock drawer? My bad.

To My Friends: I am sorry that I called your girlfriend “Gorilla”…to her face (but I am more sorry that you are dating such a mess). Sorry that I brought that random dude back to the apartment and accidentally took him to your room. I will wash your sheets…and rug. Oh, and your teddy bear. Read More »

I forget to watch this show. If I remember that it’s on then I do things to avoid paying attention to it, like cleaning and school work. But I have to face this head on…

Ugh.

So for this episode, the parents are set to arrive and the ladies have to clean.

Seezinz discovered a toilet clogged with Hotlanta drunk puke – it had been there for days so Black and Seezinz clean the stank. I wanna die just thinking about it yet somehow I feel like this is going to be the highlight of the show.

First in are T2’s parents. I’m surprised T1 didn’t show up, too. Flav has his hair done in those braid horns again.

Next, Sinceer’s dad arrives. He’s wearing a hat – is he hiding his klingon forehead? He asks for a beer and we’re probably going to see where Sinceer gets that personality of hers.

Seezinz parents come in and they start questioning Flav. “Why do you wear a clock?” “What are you intentions?” “What you planning from this moment forward with our daughter?” Uh, do they know that this isn’t for real dating? “How many seasons have you done this?” Well, then you should know. “You don’t need to have sex to find love.” Really, Mama Seezinz? Flav and I disagree.

Flav takes Sinceer, T2 and Co. to go bowling. I hate bowling. T2 is surprisingly good at it and Sinceer feels jealous. Ew, don’t make out with anyone in front of their parents. Read More »

The smell of tequila across the table from me at the restaurant is still engraved into my olfactory memory this morning. Tequila was one of my first liquor loves.

Of course when I was under age and drinking whatever was free to me, I hadn’t the slightest clue of what I actually PREFERRED to drink. However, when I moved to NYC and started to call the shots–literally–tequila was my choice drink.

But just as the rumor has it…tequila can often times lead to trouble. And after finding myself neck deep in a puke-filled toilet’s worth of trouble over and over again with tequila…I finally stopped drinking the stuff.

But last night, it’s stench made me shiver. After all these consecutive days of not drinking…what would have been a more appropriate drink to break my cycle than that instigating drink of the devil; that paradoxical beverage of poison and paradise…?

I stopped myself and munched on my spring rolls. Deep fried anything should, in my opinion, replace alcohol in a diet. (Side note: Can you deep fry a jello shot?) Read More »

It isn’t always easy to find new friends after college.

Unlike freshman year in the dorms, the real world doesn’t provide you with a place filled with hundreds of people just like you looking for new people to drink (and hook up) with. Well, I guess that might happen if you move to Murray Hill in New York City, but for the rest of us that just isn’t a reality.

It seems that most of us make our new real-life friends at work. Which makes sense; we spend so much time at the office (and, oftentimes, need a few drinks afterwards) that it is only natural to get close with the people alongside us. For the most part this is a good thing; there are many times when the only thing motivating you to get to the office is the opportunity to see your buds.

But what happens when things go a bit too far?

Last week I mentioned a friend of mine who explained to me his love for morning sex. Well, that friend also happens to work with me. Actually, I work for him; he’s my boss. Now, this isn’t as creepy as it sounds; he is only 29 and we do hang out socially. But, as I work here longer we get closer and closer the line between personal and professional continues to blur. Read More »