Ew. Ow. Shots. Ew.

At this point, Swine Flu (or H1N1 if we want to be politically correct) has been branded into our consciousness. It seems like we can’t go anywhere without seeing a poster or a commercial telling us to protect ourselves. Suddenly the lessons we learned in grammar school are being made into multi-million dollar ad campaigns. “Wash your hands! Cover your mouth when you cough!”

It’s a little ridiculous how much everyone is freaking out. Then again, whenever I see someone sneeze I run in the other direction in fear that I will soon sprout a tail and oink all the way to the emergency room. So am I avoiding this swine flu like the plague? Hell yes. But when it comes to the vaccine, I’m not as sure.

I want to be as protected as possible, but I also don’t want to throw myself under the bus by injecting this mysterious killer into my blood stream. I talk to one person and feel like it’s the best thing since sliced bread, then the next minute someone else has me convinced that I would be making the worse mistake of my life.

It’s painfully clear: I’m torn.

Love It

Isn’t this what everyone has been praying for? Since this thing emerged we’ve been sitting with fingers crossed in our surgical masks and rubber gloves while researchers searched for a vaccine to prevent it, and now it’s finally here. Research also says that college students are at the highest risk for serious infection and even with those Purell bottles in every lecture hall/classroom/dorm on campus, it seems stupid to even consider not getting the vaccine. Why wouldn’t I protect myself if given the chance? Plus, I can get it super cheap (if not for free) at my school’s health center. It really seems like a no-brainer.

Loathe It

Okay, I’ve heard one too many horror stories and I’m not having it. Some people have had horrible reactions to the vaccine; others have been infected and gotten really sick afterward. I’m trying to avoid this virus at all costs, so it seems pretty stupid to willingly let someone inject it into my body. Plus I hate needles with a passion (especially when they are filled with the Swine) so it seems like a better deal to  just go hang out in the health center next to Sniffy McSniffles, inhale some of whatever he’s got and hope my body fights it off and gets stronger. Plus, I’ve never gotten the flu shot before and have always managed to come out of flu season unscathed, so why start now?

What do you guys think? Yay or neigh oink for the Swine Flu vaccine?

Here are ten tips students should heed when battling the Swine Flu.

10.  Let’s take a look on the bright side. Swine flu is giving you a reason to avoid those all-nighters in the library. The best way to stay healthy is to get a good night’s sleep. Exhaustion will weaken your immune system. So if you happen to opt for sleep instead of a problem set, never fear. When you’re teacher asks where your homework is, just say the swine flu ate it.

9. Wash your hands frequently. I never leave the house without a bottle of Purell, and these days I’m getting stingy with sharing it. Hygiene is key. If you can’t take the flu, stay out of the pig’s pen.

8.  If you feel sick, stay home! You’re not going to impress the hottie in your Bio class if you come into Lab looking like death warmed over. You’ll be labeled the Swine-Spreader and there goes your good reputation.  Next thing you know, you’ll be have to eat your lunch with the Mono-Makeout Slut.

7. Speaking of makeout sluts… Now’s a good time to get your urge to kiss under wraps. Kissing may be like a handshake for you, but you’re going to be exchanging more than a hello with this swap of spit. The Swine Flu is sneaky and it’s looking to sow its wild oats. It will wait for you to put your beer goggles on and then it’ll plant a wet and germy one right on your lips. Beware.

6. Contain your cough, for your mother’s sake! This should be obvious. The basic rules of etiquette have preached the hand-over-cough move for years, but now we’ve got to take it seriously. Make your mama proud and swine flu-free!

5. While Mexico may be a popular spring break destination, perhaps you may want to rethink that trip to the Oasis Cancun this year. Mexico + Spring Break debauchery = breeding ground for Swine Flu. Even I can do that math.

4. Got an iPhone? Download the Swine Flu Tracker, created by IntuApps, and successfully avoid areas with high threat levels.  Yes, there’s even an app for that.

3. Retire from beer pong. Winning the game with an around-the-back bounce shot deserves a trophy, not the flu. But that’s what you’ll get when you’re drinking from the same solo cup as 15 people before you. Even if you can’t resist Beirut’s siren call, at least play with water cups and drink from your own beer can. This way you can maintain your frat-star skills and stay healthy at the same time.

2. If things around you are getting dire, and your peers are dropping like…. swine, you might think about investing in this flu-season’s latest fashion. The decorative face mask. Get em’ while they’re hot!

1. Eat an apple a day. Just in case.

If you were anywhere near a public place this last spring, you probably were caught up in the swine flu mania.  Maybe you washed your hands obsessively or carried hand-sanitizer around with you everywhere.  Perhaps you even bought a surgical mask and pulled a Speidi.  Regardless of your reaction to the swine flu, by this time you’ve most likely pulled back a bit on the safety measures.

Well, hold your horses and get an economy-sized bottle of Purell, because the worst is yet to come.

Even now we’re seeing summer camps hit hard by the H1N1 virus, purely from the amount of kids grouped together in one place.  Hmm, where else could massive amounts of people be stuck in small spaces together for extended periods of time? Oh right – every university in the country.  What does this mean for the fall semester?  Will incoming freshman be supplied with surgical masks as a part of their orientation kit?

The summer camps have dealt quite admirably with what otherwise would be a huge inconvenience and danger to their campers.  Most camps set up “quarantines” for those who were afflicted with the flu virus.  Sick campers were kept in special cabins and cordoned-off outside areas for seven days after their first symptoms.  Sure, that works well for a summer camp.=, but what about universities?

So many questions remain unanswered and will probably stay that way until there is an appropriate reaction established well into the fall semester.  Yet, as an undergraduate headed back to the dorms in the fall, I’m wondering about a few things (wondering = worrying).  Will certain dorms be “swine dorms?”  Will classes have to be sectioned off to protect the healthy students from their infectious classmates?  What if your roommate gets the virus?

To prepare for what the medical community believes will be an outbreak even bigger than the one we had this spring, swine flu vaccinations are being perfected and distributed throughout the country.  Tamiflu has been used as a prophylactic in summer camps this year, but health officials don’t recommend using it on a long-term basis due to resistances that could build up in the virus.  So where does that leave college students?  Certainly, it’s much more difficult to close an entire university, as compared to the elementary, junior high, and high school closings we saw this spring.  Unless we see more than 50% of the teaching staff fall ill, I don’t think we’ll see any universities close.  However, I wouldn’t be surprised by more than a few campus quarantines.

In another couple of weeks, I’ll be starting to pack my life up for the umpteenth time in my college career to schlep it back on campus.  This year, however, I might forgo a few pairs of shoes to save space for the jumbo bottle of hand-sanitizer and Clorox wipes I’ll be bringing with me.  Who knows?  I might even rock out in a designer surgical mask and start a trend.

What do you think will happen to universities in the fall once the H1N1 virus hits again?  How will you prepare differently for college this semester?

I remember the first time I slept at my ex’s apartment. He ran out to get some pizza and I asked if I could use his computer to check my email.

“Yeah, just don’t look at my browsing history, k?”

Right – because you can tell a girl that and expect her not to wonder why on earth you would make that request!

He wasn’t out of the room for 30 seconds before I did just that. And the first site on the list? MamaLovesC*ck.com.

For real.

It was at that moment that I began to wonder just how prominent porn was in guys’ lives. I mean, I always knew they looked at it, but how often? For how long? And why, especially when they have a girlfriend spending the freaking night?

I asked a close friend for the answers. What did I find out? More than I ever wanted to know.

During a meeting last Monday for infectious disease scientists, “researchers who spy on people in public bathrooms” (double creepy!) released a study that showed men have issues when it comes to washing their hands after using public toilets.

“One-third of men didn’t bother to wash after using the bathroom, compared with 12 percent of women” the researchers claimed, basing their findings on over 6,000 people in four big cities.

A spokesman from a co-sponsor of the survey, the Soap and Detergent Association (seriously?), urged men to “step up to the sink”, after holding their weewees at a urinal or taking a dump.

Because women are forced to frequent stalls all the time, we’re probably a lot more likely to realize just how dirty a public bathroom can get—although holding one’s penis and then shaking a stranger’s hand screams ‘unsanitary!’ just as loudly.

So, what is it? Is pee just considered not as dirty to men? Do they simply not care about poo contamination?

Are men really just really f*cking gross most of the time?

…whatever the case, I’m gonna go buy me some Purell and think twice before going into any communial dorm bathroom.