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George Clooney looks like a hot mess.

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How to avoid having sex.

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Here’s the lowdown on all the hotties I’ve mentally massaged:

Indiana Jones: Indy makes his love much like you might describe him: rough and dirty. Holy cow, he sure is good in bed, but it’s a little weird that he never takes that fedora off. He also doesn’t seem to care much about protection (I think he fed me a line like, “Where do you think I’m going to get a condom? CVS?”), and he never calls in the morning… probably because he seems to think my name is “Veronica.”

Nick Carter: The baby face of the Backstreet Boys is pretty inexperienced, and it shows. When you’re sleeping with Nick, you smile because he’s just so darn cute, but there’s also a part of you that wants to hightail it out of there as soon as possible. Yeah, it always seems like a good idea at first, but most often I find myself snaking through the piles of video games to get out of his room at 5 in the morning.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Always the gentleman, Jake gets up early every morning to present me with a simultaneous bouquet of daisies and tray of breakfast in bed (well-balanced, too, always including wheat germ). He’s a pretty good lay, but the problem is that his eyes are so dreamy I can never stop staring at them. A.W.K.W.A.R.D.

Taylor Hanson: Ladies, let me tell you… this man can “MMMBop” me anytime he likes. Sure, he’s lost most of the length on the lovely golden locks he once possessed, but trust me, he makes up for it in other ways. Oh, Taylor, don’t stop the MMMBop.

Jimmy Stewart: I’m not really short by any definition of the word, but Jimmy Stewart’s height makes things a little tricky anyway. Sometimes, he just leans over the edge of the bed and…OK, that’s probably TMI. Anyway, I know I’m not the only one who loves the lilt of his voice, and hearing it say, “Ahhh, Carly, that’s the ticket” just makes my day.

Lee Pace: Okay, I guess I technically sleep with Lee Pace’s character on Pushing Daisies, Ned, rather than Lee Pace himself. Thankfully, I’m not dead (at least as far as I know), so I don’t have to worry about rocketing back to the grave every time he touches me. As foreplay, though, I do make him touch all of my dead skin cells to bring them back to life. What can I say? The glow of my face turns me on.

Kal Penn: Sure, he’s hot, but he’s so immature. He seems to have channeled the character of Kumar perfectly, because five seconds after we’re finished he always runs off to “get a burger.” It’s a 50/50 chance whether or not he’ll come back that night, but I’m a lot better for his heart than all of those White Castle burgers—that’s for sure.

So don’t worry, ladies—overall, you’re not missing much. And if you ever need the 411 on how a Hollywood hottie does the deed, I’ll be happy to give you all the gory details—well, right after I take this phone call from Indy, anyway.