Every year, I make New Year’s resolutions: “Get in shape,” “be more outgoing” and “don’t get arrested for drugging the neighbors’ neurotic Schnauzer.” And every year, they fall apart. I can never begin with plan and arrive at completion – I’m always stuck in a constant cycle of process, sort of like running on a treadmill, except that running on a treadmill sounds like one of those resolutions I won’t be able to stick to. So let’s say it’s like being stuck in a vat of macaroni and cheese. Yum!

So this year, I’m making a New Year’s resolution to complete my entire list of New Year’s resolutions. And this means that I’ll either have to drastically improve my self-control, dedication and work ethic – not on the list – or I’ll have to drastically lower my expectations. Resolution #0 is to avoid anything that sounds like work, so here goes: the list of resolutions I know I can pull off.

Resolution #1: Stand around inside a gym regularly

I can’t understand why people think this one’s so hard – going to the gym, I’ve discovered, is easy; as long as I don’t hit a deer on the way, I can get there about nine out of ten attempts. And I’ve developed plenty of useful exercises to fill out an hour-long cardio workout: pressing buttons on the treadmill, switching my iPod playlist, going to the water fountain and estimating how many of me would fit in that guy’s biceps. I’ve planned a pretty good mat routine, too, but I don’t think I’ll be able to handle either the push-up or the modified (“girl”) push-up. Instead, I’ve developed the “modified girl push-up,” which is where I watch girls do push-ups. Read More »