Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing a school, when we were choosing a date to the first sorority date party, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which D-List celebrity is more annoying, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis; we have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between none other than our two favoritest of celeretards: Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag. Who will take the d-bag cake? It’s a really difficult decision to make, so let’s break it down.

Music

Paris Hilton founded heiress records and released her first self-titled album, Paris. Her first single “Stars are Blind” was a top ten hit in 17 countries leading to Paris’s Installation of a professional recording studio in her house. More tunes to come. Oy?

Heidi Montag leaked several of her “hits” on the internet including “Body Language,” which features her fiance Spencer Pratt rapping. Her latest single “Touch Me” is now available on iTunes, as is her music video. Both got terrible reviews.

Point: Heidi Montag. Have you seen that music video?

Religion

Paris Hilton converted to Kabbalah for about 5 seconds, giving her the opportunity to sport a little red string bracelet along with the rest of Hollywood.

Heidi Montag loves Jesus and the Bible. We know this because she constantly talks about Jesus and the Bible on her Twitter, to the press, and on The Hills. (Editor’s note: The real question is – can Jesus possibly love her?!)

Point: Paris Hilton. Religion should not be practiced for the purpose of new accessories.

Dating History

Paris Hilton has dated a long line of douche bags including Benji Madden, Cisco Adler, Stavros Niarchos III, Nick Carter, Rick Salomon and, most recently, Doug Reinhardt.

Heidi Montag dated and is currently engaged to “King of the Douchebags,” Spencer Pratt. The couple are set to wed this weekend, maybe for real this time.

Point: Heidi Montag. See “King of the Douchebags” reference. He takes the cake. I just wish it was in his face.

Say What??

Paris Hilton

• “Walmart… Do they, like, sell walls there?”
• “I’m like an American Princess”
• “What’s a soup kitchen?”
• “A true Heiress is never mean to anyone- except a girl who steals her boyfriend”

Heidi Montag

• “God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted and I’m going to get persecuted, you know?”
• “The minute we said our vows I couldn’t stop crying.”
• “I want, like, four [children]. Maybe I’ll adopt ten. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa.

Point: Paris Hilton. People who think Walmart sells actual walls should not be allowed to be quoted.

Rise to Fame

Paris Hilton became a household name after her adult film “One Night In Paris” was released and continued to grace the screen on “The Simple Life” with Nicole Richie where the two friends tried to accomplish difficult tasks like camping, and shopping at Walmart. She then talked to every major media outlet about her feud with former frenemy and co-star Nicole Richie.

Heidi Montag befriended Lauren Conrad and landed herself a spot on MTV’s “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills.” She also talked to every media outlet about feud with (former?) frememy Lauren Conrad. If Letterman wasn’t enough, Montag also has paparrazzi on speed dial anytime she happens to be running on the beach.

Point: Paris Hilton. While both love to publicly fight with former best friends and enjoy reality TV gigs, it was Paris’s short loved porn career that really earned her this crucial point.

Strange, silly and awkward things overheard on campus this week:

- A lanky blonde man leans against a doorway, talking to a short-haired brunette.

“She’s really… nice, you know?” He shakes his head. “I mean, I just wanted someone to care about.”

“But a freshman?” she asks, feigning surprise. “Really!“

“Yeah. It was like fishing with dynamite.”

- Two grizzled, swarthy males stand in the dining hall.

“Man, I can’t believe there aren’t any forks,” remarks one, his thick lower lip turned in a pout. He moves one finger toward his collar unconsciously.

His friend looks sadly at the empty racks. “Yeah. I mean, I don’t even know anyone who uses spoons.”

- Across the dining hall, a guy stands up and starts singing “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You” from Mulan . About three quarters of the table joins in within seconds. One other guy grabs his tray, gets up and stalks away. “I thought we were done with this,” he says, darkly.

- Down the hallway, a pink-faced man is tying a lumpy plastic bag to a door. As I pass by, he looks up and smiles conspiratorially.

“It’s ladybugs,” he says.

- A punky blonde girl and redhaired boy – they look like a couple – are sitting with some others at a cafe table.

“But honestly,” says the boy, looking around the table. “Who sleeps with freshmen?”

As he looks back at the girl, she’s pointing straight at him. He shrugs.

- A professor, standing at the head of a class on prejudice and discrimination:

“Entries should be one page minimum, 12 point font. And please don’t write these drunk.”

“But what if you’re out drinking and someone says something racist?” asks a student in the back. “And you just have to write about it, but you won’t remember in the morning?”

The professor thinks about it for a minute. “Then I would take notes,” she says.

(Incidentally, the same professor suggested “gatorade and rice” as the best hangover cure.)

- Outside a dorm, three guys are sitting on the steps. They look sad about something

“Man, this sucks, dude, I’m so hungry.”

“Yeah,” says another. The smell of marijuana is thick in the air.

“F*ckin’ sucks,” the third says, mournfully.

At their feet, Lucky Charms are scattered about the steps.

• Get Lauren Conrad a present! Because, you know, she needs one and all.

• Going to an Ugly Sweater Party this weekend? Check out some terrible ones…

• Have nothing to talk about when you’re home with the parents? Everyone loves a horrible, horrible joke!

• You’d think with the holidays around the corner mothers could give their kids a break…not so for this hard-ass mom!

• “Don’t tase me, bro!” is the top quote of 2007! Congrats?

• The internet is used for something positive! It’s a Christmas miracle!

• Nobody wants to see this picture anyway…

When I first heard that there would be a Sex and the City movie, my heart skipped a beat. I could not wait for the big screen continuation of our favorite gals who introduced our generation to pink cosmopolitans and Manolo Blahniks. What could be better than seeing the fab four reunited once again to give us just a few more juicy and inspirational quotes to put in our away messages?

Well, now that I really think about it, I might actually be against the movie coming out. What if it totally flops? Will SATC be a joke from then on? I feel we should let it’s glory live on in syndication. Nothing makes me happier than crawling into bed for a solid hour of SATC reruns at night. It was just too good to be repeated and I am worried that it’s too late to duplicate the magic now.

The movie may come sooner than you think. The most recent rumor is that shooting is set to begin in the fall, but actor Mario Cantone said that no one is officially signed on to the project yet.

Now, don’t get your hopes up for an exact movie release date. Rumors of the girls being reunited have been swirling around for awhile, and delays have been attributed to off screen drama between the quartet. Yet, different reports have been coming out over the past year saying that the movie is a go.

Will it actually happen? Only time will tell, but I have to say that I may rest easier if nothing comes of it and our four girls stay heroes for every aspiring trendy, modern, and urban girl out there.

Oh, and here’s one of my favorite Sex and the City quotes, just for old times sake…

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

-Carrie