I mean think about it. How much easier would your life be if you had superpowers?  I know, I know – Peter Parker’s grandpa told us “With great power comes great responsibility” and how it’s not all fun and games for these cape crusaders. But just for a moment, let’s pretend it is. Let’s pretend that college students had superpowers…

1. The power of persuasion
You know, sort of like that power the vampires have. Some call it compulsion, some call it dazzling. For the purpose of this article I’m going with persuasion. You can’t turn in your paper on time? Persuade your professor to give you an extension. Or better yet, to excuse you from that paper all together. A girl is going after the guy you like? Persuade her to go after someone else. Really want an internship? Persuade the interviewer to make sure it goes your way.

2. Superspeed
This one would completely eliminate that whole myth about girls taking too long to get ready before they go out. I mean we’d be able to try on our entire wardrobe, pick an outfit, and clean our room before our guys would even be able to walk across campus. And could you imagine the damage we’d be able to do in a shopping mall?

3. Teleportation
Talk about cutting down on costs. Who needs to buy a car when you can be anywhere you want in the blink of an eye? Need to make a trip home? No need to book a flight; just blink. In the mood for some croissants? Have lunch in Paris. Writing a paper on the coliseums? Check them out up close and grab a few pictures for extra credit. This one would make studying abroad so much easier. And cheaper. Which means more money to drop at the Prada outlet in Florence. Weeee!

4. Mind Reading
You’d never have to wonder if anyone was lying to you ever again. No more games. With friends. Boyfriends. Family members, or with those annoying sales ladies in stores who tell you absolutely everything you try on looks “OMG Amazing!” You’d always know the truth. And you know what they say, honesty is the best policy.

5. Hot Guy Radar
Stay with me here. I guess I’m sort of thinking of something along the lines of what the robot superheroes always have. You know, they lock in on a target, scan their retina, and suddenly the robot has all the information one could ever hope for on a guy. Everything from his dating history to his taste in music, to whether he wears boxers or briefs. If only. (For now our hot guys list will have to suffice.)

What about you? Got any special super powers in mind that would make you life easier?

Wanna win some sexy toys?

Just dance, Katie Holmes!

Irritating moves dudes make on Facebook.

Scary celebrity dolls.

The Britney comeback continues.

Hef’s new twins sure love their self-tanner

…And his third girlfriend is still in college!

Britney can’t drive

“Kids”, listen to Diddy!

Courtney Cox loves her forehead too much

Hermione checks out Hahhhvahhrd

Sting loves this chick — I am jealous

Angie got a “Mommy Tuck“?

LaBeouf and ‘douche’ don’t exactly rhyme, but…

Who cares about this chick?

Alien baby or not, she sure is cute.

Movies so bad they’re…real?

Admit it, you want a Theremin!

As reported by a Radar journalist, Grenier recently showed up at a Lower East Side (read: skinny jeans and soul patches) party and spoke some choice words to a lady he apparently fancied. Instead of attempting to have a nice conversation like the rest of us common folk, Grenier the celebrity went straight for the kill—because, well, he thought he could.

Transcribed via Radar:

Adrian: Hi, what’s your name?

Brunette: [Giggling. It is obvious she knows who he is; she is flattered that he has approached her] Elizabeth*. What’s yours?

Adrian: Adrian.

Brunette: Nice to meet you! And what do you do, Adrian?

Adrian: I make documentary films.

Brunette: Oh really?

Adrian: Yeah. And some other stuff on the side. What about you?

Brunette: I’m in fashion.

Adrian: That’s cool. So how about we go home and I f*ck the sh*t out of you?

Brunette: [Staring, somewhat flabbergasted] Excuse me? I don’t really know you well enough to do that, I don’t think.

Adrian: Well, let’s get to know each other. Where are you from, Elizabeth?

Brunette: I’m from Houston, Texas.

Adrian: [Pauses. Warily.] Are you a Democrat or a Republican?

Brunette: Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s impolite to talk about politics and religion at a party?

Adrian: Well who did you vote for in the last election?

Brunette: Not that it’s any of your business, I voted for Bush.

Adrian: [Upon hearing the name Bush, Adrian works himself into a minor frenzy] Wow. I mean, how could you? Are you serious? Do you know what he’s done to this country? I mean … well, who are you voting for in this election?

Brunette: I haven’t decided yet.

Adrian: Hmm. Well how about we go home and I f*ck the sh*t out of you and we talk about it in the morning?

Brunette: No thanks.(*)

I guess, in famous people speak, “f*ck the sh*t out of you” must be another way of saying “hey, let’s hang out!” because who in their right mind thinks they’re so damn cool they can just waltz up to anyone they choose and treat them like a blow up doll?

Here’s hoping Entourage comes back for another season. If not, someone’s going to have to rely simply on their personality, which, from the looks of things, is poised to get them nowhere.

(*) I chose to refrain from commenting on Adrian’s political rant, because he won points for hating Bush, but subsequently lost those points by being such a giant, pissy ass about it. It’s against my religion to validate pissy politics.