All hail Parents Weekend! At some colleges, parents have already graced your dirty dorms with their angelic presence, while other schools celebrate this unofficial holiday in early and late October. Regardless of whether mom and dad have come and gone or have yet to come, we’ve got all the basics to keep floating well above the water during Parents Weekend!

When I was a freshman, I could not wait to see my parents. It was the first sight of normalcy I’d seen in weeks after living with my super crazy psycho roommate. Seriously guys, don’t screw this up!

First, there are a couple of simple rules to follow when hoping to master Parents Weekend. Since mom and dad are going to spoil you silly with gifts, homemade favorites, dinner at your restaurant of choice (we all know you’re picking the most expensive) and maybe even a mini-shopping spree to get you those must-have dorm and wardrobe necessities, we’ve got a detailed list of a few subtle ways to give back.

1. Do take your parents on a tour of your school. Whether or not it’s walking around your inner campus or actually going through the buildings and pointing out which class takes place where, it’s a no-brainer that parents love this. Show them the places where you grab lunch and/or snacks, what your fitness facility looks like, where you go to enjoy some down time with friends in between classes.

Don’t admit to them how many classes you’ve skipped to get belligerent, or how many times you “accidentally” slept through class, or which classes you already know are going to interfere with Tuesday 2-for-1s and Friday afternoon Happy Hour. While mom and dad might expect you to skip a few classes here and there, make sure you throw in the safety line, “the syllabus says that we can miss up to three classes before we lose any credit.”

2. Do clean up your room and throw out your trash before you parents get to your dorm room. If you’re a real pig, start preparing for parents on a Monday and hopefully by Friday you will be able to find the floor again. Go through your drawers and even if you’re not going to bother to fold your clothes, at least stuff them far enough into each drawer that you can’t tell it’s a war zone inside. Remember that vacuum your mom just had to get you? Here’s some advice: use it. Moms can tell. They can always tell.

Don’t hide your lucky stash of condoms under your pillow. If you’re a procrastinator and wait until Sunday morning at 10am to start going through your mess, you’d be better of shoving those baby protectors into a sock at the bottom of your closet. Here’s the problem with stuffing them under your pillow. Sometimes parents need to sit down and that seat might just be found on your bed. Another reason: if your mom is anything like mine, she will want to make your bed. It’s just a thing moms do. So while mom is busy fluffing and patting down your sheets the last thing she needs to find is a whole bin of Magnums.

3. Do make reservations at a nice, causal restaurant in whatever town or city your school resides. It’s nice to take your parents into the center of your community and show them the fun things they can do while they come to visit, as well as the fun ways you stay busy when you’re not overwhelmed by classes and homework. Choose a restaurant or pub that seems like it will fit your parents’ taste as well as their wallet. You’re not trying to break your parents’ bank on the first night!

Don’t take your parents to your school cafeteria. I always wanted to smack the kids that I saw doing that. While I totally understand living and working on a budget, there are other ways to provide your parents with a good meal that doesn’t involve sitting between animals scarfing down all-you-can-eat burritos. If you’re going on a budget, buy some sandwiches and take your parents on a picnic at a local park, or grab some appetizers to share at a small, inexpensive café downtown. Remember, you have no choice when it comes to eating college cafeteria food, and while you might find it tasty enough to keep down, your parents should not be subjected to that same kind of torture.

4. Do get tickets to a sporting event that is taking place during parents weekend. If there’s not a sporting event happening (like if you go to a school that has no major football or soccer team), research other opportunities for your parents to see all there is to see at your school. Maybe there is a play or a barbeque for your major. Keeping your parents enclosed in your dorm room all afternoon might not be the best idea. For example, I went to college at UVM. While we didn’t have a major sports team (my dad loves football so, no football, no-go!), there were tons of things to do in Burlington to keep them busy: hiking, apple picking, walking along the water, etc…

If you’re taking mom and dad to, say, a football game, don’t bring a water bottle full of your favorite liquor. I don’t know how your parents get down, but chances are it’s not like that. Also, don’t sit them in the same section as the rambunctious lunatics that shotgun a beer every time your team tackles someone. Wait until you’ve securely tucked your parents in for the evening at their hotel room and then go out and play as hard as you want. Be careful how hard you go though, the last thing you want is a buzzing iPhone flashing your mom’s number while your head is submerged in a communal bathroom stall.

5. Do introduce you parents to your roommates and their families and spend some time letting them get to know each other. It’s okay if you find your roommate’s dad’s voice about as stimulating as watching paint dry, just remind yourself that you need to give your parents ample time to figure that out, too. Your parents want to know what type of family your roomie comes from, what her morals and values look like, how she was raised, you know, all that stuff you don’t really care about at 11 in the morning.

Don’t tell everyone in the room who’s listening that embarrassing story where your best friend walked in on your dad using the bathroom, or that time when your mom pressed the gas instead of the break. Big no-nos! While it’s okay to share those stories with your roommates, your parents are going to be merely acquaintances and don’t need to know anything beyond the basics. Since being friendly and not friends is where your parents’ relationships may begin and end, don’t invite everyone to join you guys at dinner. Your parents drove all this way to visit you and spend time with you.

Here they are: the 3 biggest don’ts of having The Talk:

1. Don’t try and break the ice via text. There’s nothing more impersonal than trying to have a serious conversation via text message. In person is your best bet.

2. Don’t decide to have the talk during game 5 of the NBA Finals. I guarantee you won’t get the response you’re hoping for.

3. Don’t ask your Facebook friends for advice. I’m serious, social networks could end your relationship before it even begins. You have been warned!

While I’ve covered the three biggest don’ts, my guess is that at this point, you’re still completely lost about what you should do. While I can’t give you any more advice (I’ve pulled a lot more don’ts in my years, than do’s) you can definitely find some more sound advice on the do’s and don’ts of having the talk here.

Good luck!

I was working late on a Friday night and the guys at work convinced me to hang out at the bar afterward. My mom was in town, so I went to a little martini bar with her after work and actually stayed out pretty late (for her).  When she went back to the hotel at just past midnight, I called the guys to ask where they were.  They all answered they were in a local dive bar not too far away.  I headed over and did a couple rounds – they were nowhere to be found. I texted, called – nothing. So I decided they were having too much fun to answer at that moment (we’ve all been there) and I sidled up to the bar to have a drink and wait for a bit.  No sooner had I ordered than some creeper had latched on.  I was trying to be polite, but made it clear I was waiting for people.  He kind of smirked and asked, “Well, where are your friends, then?”

“Um…I don’t know. They’ll be here soon.”

“Well, while you wait, you can sit at my table.”

Meh.  I wasn’t doing anything, so I headed over and stood near his table with his friends (also creepers).  After about three minutes, I decided that more drinking was needed.

“Oh wait, I see my friend at the bar. Sorry!” I practically ran away, desperately searching for any guy standing alone.  Bingo. Japanese guy with his back to me. I rushed up to him and tapped his shoulder.  “Hi, this is weird, but I need you to pretend to know me because I need rescuing from those guys over there in the booth.”

He looked bemused and simply shrugged his ascension.

After a couple seconds of awkward silence, we started drinking and talking.  He turned out to be really cool and we had a lot in common.  Pretty soon it was last call (and my friends STILL hadn’t made an appearance) and he told me that there was an after party at his friend’s house.  Well, why not? (Besides the obvious “he could take me in an alley and kill me,” which didn’t even cross my drunken mind.)

We headed down the street to his friend’s house, which was completely dark – nobody was home.  He paced around for a second, trying to call people to figure out what was going on.  He looked at me apologetically.  “We can always have an after party at my place.”

“Alright, fine,” I responded, against my better (read: sober) judgment. “Where is that?”

He named an address that was at least a 10 minute drive from where we were and there was no way either of us could drive.  Luckily, having worked at a hotel for two years, I knew all the cab companies and we had a ride in no time. Though, that didn’t solve all the issues. Once we were at his house his keys wouldn’t work.  Things were getting sketchy.  I even told him so.

“No, no, don’t worry, I can break it. I live here, it’s just not legal, you know? No paperwork. My keys usually work, though.” I was getting ready to run fast and far when one of his roommates finally let us in.

At last, the night seemed to be going well. Or at least not horribly wrong.  His room was filled with cool conversation topics and I was liking him more and more.  We started hooking up and it got to the point where I wasn’t going any farther without protection, so I had to ask that extremely awkward question that we all love – “Do you have a condom?”

He looked surprised. “No, I never use condoms.”

Um, hold on there, cowboy.  Never? I know this should have been my cue to leave, but this guy was cute and funny and interesting and I was tired/tipsy anyway.  I insisted he find one.  He jumped out of bed and started banging on his roommates’ doors stark naked and yelling, “Dude! Open up! This is crucial!”  It would have been amusing if it wasn’t so awkward.

He came into the room in a slight panic since no one had answered their doors.  “They must all be blacked out!”

I shrugged. “Oh well, guess we’re both out of luck then.”

“No, no, there’s a gas station not too far from here, I’ll just run and go get some!”  He threw on boxers and a zip-up hoodie and ran out of the house.  It was February.

He was gone 45 minutes and I, of course, fell asleep since it was around 4am when he went on his condom adventure.  He came back, panting and carrying a half-drank liter of water, bearing gifts: he had found some condoms.  I was exhausted, but I thought, “Hey, he went through all that effort and I’m sure the sex is going to be awesome.  Might as well.”

Well, guess what? The sex wasn’t awesome.  He couldn’t even get it up.  He was so desperate he threw a condom on his poor, limp member anyway and tried it out.  I stopped him and tried not to laugh.  “Guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

I left a few hours later to catch an early hair appointment and the same cab driver that dropped us off came back to pick me up and take me home.  I was a complete mess and was most definitely still drunk.  To add insult to injury, it was now raining.  All in all, the night was one huge FML moment – mostly for the guy.

Or how about Freshman year in college when you somehow managed to get your crush’s AIM name, and then proceeded to sit over the keyboard for hours, sweating about if IMing him and “just saying hi” would somehow make you a creepy stalker?

If you’re in my generation, you grew up with AIM, just like you grew up with boy bands and obesity. Growing up with AIM means that we’re all too familiar with the “Away Message”, a strange societal habit of TMI. Even though Away Messages tend to vacillate, there are a few that pop up time and time again. Below, we’ve captured the top 5 familiar few.

5) The “Annoyingly In Love While the Rest of the World Suffers Alone” Message:

4) The “Feel Free to Stalk Me” Message:

3) The “Needlessly Profound” Message:

2) The “Random Emo Poetry” Message:

1) The “Come On, You’ve Gotta Give Us Something” Message:

So we’ve been looking at Craigslist Missed Connection posts, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And now I’d like to address an animal of a different color:

THE POEM.

Oh my yes, the Missed Connection poem. Some poor guy gets it into his head that writing a creepy-ass poem about the object of his affection (emphasis on object–it’s all about what he saw on her the one time he saw her, obscured by the drool creeping up from his mouth into his eyes. yes, that’s how much he drools) is the way to her heart.

Because women really love creepy love poems dedicated to them on craigslist. Observe:

Hilarious Craigslist Missed Connection:

A single strand of carelessely flung hair – m4w – 28

You shake light across your shin leather boots

at this foolish man – so eas’ly dismissed.

Humiliating. Freaky. Delightful.

Okay. I admit it. I frickin’ love this.

I mean, it’s a terrible poem. I mean, terrible terrible. But the sentiment is oddly sweet, if horrifyingly obnoxious.

And of course, if it were directed at me, I would ignore it.

Would you date this dude?