Would you vote for this guy for governor?

Katy Perry has OCD?

Are you still friends with your ex on Facebook?

Whoa. That’s Jennifer Aniston?!

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Right, Eddie Cibrian?

What does Randy Jackson think about all this Idol dramz?

What season are we on anyway? 10? 11? (Editor’s Note: We’re on 9). Seriously? We’ve spent the past eleven nine years watching Simon Cowell give brutally mean comments, Paula’s very much missed outlandish (and drugged out) antics and a lot of Randy’s “Yo Dawg, I liked it, you got soul.” That’s a long, long time. We’ve also had two season with fame-whoring Kara and her bikini pics and, of course, Ellen’s musical “knowledge” once Paula was pushed out.

Anyway, here’s the lowdown on last night’s ep (which I gathered in 4 minutes on the Interwebs this morning): Lee Dwyze (the guy) won. The show invited singing “greats” such as Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson and Rihanna to perform. There was a lot of singing, performing…and blah. The only good thing about last night’s finale was the return of Paulaaaaaaa. Yes. She was still her drugged out self but still; who doesn’t love pill-popping Paula?

Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not some never-watched-an-episode-and-just-wanna-spew-hate person. I used to be a fervent watcher of American Idol during the initial seasons of Kelly, Ruben, Fantasia and Carrie. It was simply a good reality show that proved that the power of a good voice could actually make an ordinary, just-like-us person, famous. And what’s more, it felt as if I was actually contributing to each winner’s rags-to-riches story! I religiously dialed the numbers every week, hoping and praying that my favorites were never in the bottom two.

But after eleven nine seasons, I truly think American Idol has run its course. While it was initially refreshing to watch a show that debuted a range of very talented (and very, very bad) singers, American Idol is now just another one of those reality shows banking on ratings, sponsors and viewership. And it’s a total snooze-fest. Ever since they brought on Kara as a judge, the show basically went down the pooper. She gives no helpful advice and has somehow tricked the producers into believing that she’s a good songwriter. Last season, when she stole the spotlight from “Bikini Girl” by coming on stage and shedding into her little bikini, I knew the show somehow lost its spark.

Plus, what takes those Idol peeps 3 hours to air each week could easily be shown in 90 minutes, tops. Sure, it was a sound investment of my time when the show was, I don’t know, GOOD, but now? Now it’s like a dreaded 5-credit class with that awful professor who can’t seem to work the projector. Do we really need so many close-up shots of Ryan speaking? And Miley acting as a “mentor” to the singers? Or all those flashbacks/home movies? NO. No, no, no.

With Simon leaving (who, by the way, is irreplaceable), the show is losing the only thing worth watching for. Between his tight tees, his snarky comments and that adorable bromantic relationship between him and Ryan, he made the show and everyone knows it. I know the people at Fox don’t want to admit it (and don’t want to lose their biggest money-maker), but no matter who they get to take his seat (Madonna??) American Idol without Simon is like The Hills without LC. It just won’t work.

American Idol had a good run, but it’s over. Let’s hug it out, say our goodbyes and move on…. to Simon’s new show.

Over the past eight years American Idol has been bringing the country’s undiscovered talent (and um…this) into our living rooms via our 50 inch flat screens (I wish).  There’s nothing like watching Randy, Simon and Paula whittle down thousands of hopefuls into 12 finalists who will spend weeks singin’ their little hearts out for us, while we feverishly grab our phones at the end of the show to cast our vote for the hottest guy best performer.

This season, our beloved Idol is facing some changes. Sweet little Paula Abdul is being replaced by comedian Ellen Degeneres, and (gasp) SIMON IS LEAVING!?!?!?!? Oh wait. He’s not going anywhere yet. Phew. I’m not sure if I could handle so much change.

Anyways, now that I’ve regained my sanity (thanks to a delicious spoonful of PB), I’m holding out hope that the ninth season will be just as good as past ones, but there are definitely some things I’ll be missing about the old Idol.

Gonna Miss: Paula’s arm-waving-seated-dancing. And her questionable sobriety.
Excited For: Ellen’s signature dance moves. That woman can work it!

Gonna Miss: Paula’s sympathy.  After laughing my ass off at the absolute WORST singers (and dancers), deep down I felt a pang of sadness for them.  But she could find something positive to say to almost any Idol hopeful. Usually about their wardrobe choices.
Excited For: Posh Spice. Maybe she’ll bring her hubby along to the auditions?!

Gonna Miss: Sex scandals with the contestants.  Who can forget the rumors that Paula and cornrowed crooner Corey Clark indulged in a little backstage nookie?
Excited For: Well, there’s always hope for a new sex scandal, right?

Gonna Miss: The obvious sexual tension between Simon and Paula.
Excited For: Sexual tension between Randy and Simon? Randy and Kara? Kara and Ellen??

Gonna Miss: Paula’s accessories. I often wondered how Crazy Abdul could lift her arms, let alone do that weird open-palm clap thing she was so fond of.
Excited For: Randy’s jewelry. And Kara’s near-nipple-exposing tops. And Simon’s near-nipple exposing tops.

Gonna Miss: Trainwrecks of past seasons. I admit, I live for the first few weeks of Idol before they turn away all the crazies. “Scat Girl” gets me every time.  Not to mention that when I’m sitting on the couch, dateless and eating pints of Haagen Dazs, I like watching people who (I think) are even more pathetic.
Excited For: The new Idol! (and runner-up, because they always seem to get record deals, don’t they?) Will it be a guy or girl? Will they blossom into a superstar (hellooo, Carrie Underwood!), or a one-hit wonder (what ever happened to Ruben Studdard?)? Will they go on to perform at an award show and stuff some guy’s face into their crotch? Sigh. We’ll have to wait and see.

With all the changes coming this season, at least we can count on some things that won’t be going anywhere: Randy calling everyone “dawg” every five seconds, Simon getting booed, and, of course, Ryan Seacrest and his signature sendoff, “Seacrest, out!”

Don’t forget to set your DVRs! American Idol starts tonight at 8pm!

It’s summer (if you haven’t noticed) and therefore my time is divided between sweating, drinking whatever is cold, squeezing into shorts, sweating, sleeping through the hottest part of the day, and watching late-night TV until my apartment cools down enough for me to fall sleep.

Late-night TV is an interesting beast, forever surprising you with its ability to throw random shows together in the hope that you’re so tired/drunk/spaced out that you won’t notice what’s going on.  I usually don’t notice, but lately I’ve been awake and sober, so I’m beginning to catch some things.  Like, American Idol is a horrible show full of annoying people, yet I can’t help but watch hours upon hours of reruns.

During one of my sweaty midnight marathons (not the good kind, trust me), I happened to see one of the more recent episodes of American Idol.  You know…the one with the bikini girl.  If I despised the American Idol judges before, you can bet that Kara DioGuardi’s actions didn’t make my feelings any fonder.  What was she thinking??  I mean, the only one to rival her in craziness is Paula Abdul.  The real question is, which one is more pathetic?  Well, let’s find out, shall we?

Career
Paula Abdul was a successful cheerleader, dancer, choreographer, and singer.  Keyword: “was.”  Now, it seems, she is content to slur the same catchphrases over and over on American Idol and make random crappy dance singles.  Sad, yet amusing.

Kara DioGuardi is a talented songwriter and occasional singer.  She doesn’t seem to be content with sitting in the background, being ridiculously good looking (because, let’s face it, she looks gooooood) and whatnot.  So, what results is something akin to the Bikini Girl feud during the most recent season of American Idol.  It was almost too painful to watch.

Point: Paula Abdul. Girl, your career is over.  Stop drinking and maybe stop thinking of something new to say on Idol, if that’s what you’re going to focus on.

Fashion
Paula Abdul should fire her stylist.  Then again, you have to have a stylist to be able to fire one (and I seriously doubt she’s ever had one).  The woman comes up with the craziest and most age-inappropriate outfits I’ve ever seen.  I know she means well, but even I try not to pick out an ensemble while wasted.  It usually doesn’t end well (can we say Harem pants??).

Kara DioGuardi actually dresses pretty well.  When she went on The View, I was like, “Oh, way to make everyone else look like crap, Kara.”  Then I resented her for the rest of the interview.  Stupid fashionable jerk.

Point: Paula Abdul. I’m afraid Paula takes this point as well…there’s just no way I can see Kara losing to Paula in the realm of fashion.

American Idol Presence
Paula Abdul makes no sense. When she’s not using AI catchphrases (“pitchy,” “song choice,” “Simon’s a jerk”), she’s blabbering on in some weird language about cute outfits, pretty songs and rainbows and unicorns. That, of course, is after she spends the performance standing up and waving her arms/slamming her midget hands together to mimic clapping.

Kara DioGuardi is incredibly condescending and seems to take the “new kid in school” role pretty seriously. She’s constantly trying to be everyone’s BFF (both judges and contestants) and is way too into herself (and how she looks in a bikini) to judge anyone’s performance.

Point: Paula Abdul. As much as I strongly dislike Kara, Paula’s slurred speeches waste an average of 12 minutes each week and I still have no idea if she likes, loves or hates the performer.

Fame Whoreishness
Paula Abdul is desperate, for sure, but I’m not sure if she really embodies all that is a fame whore.  She’s pretty much gotten the hint that she’s washed up and fit only to be a TV reality show judge (and maybe not even that, it seems).  I’m…impressed?

Kara DioGuardi is, in fact, a fame whore.  That woman flits between different media opportunities like a hummingbird on crack.  If she’s not prancing around in a bikini on American Idol, then she’s producing/writing/singing another song that nobody will listen to (okay…almost nobody).

Point: Kara DioGuardi. She’s. Everywhere. Seriously – if you check daytime TV, random reality shows, credits on CD jacket sleeves…her name is all over.  Gah!

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Paula Abdul. Homegirl is nuts. That’s all there is to say.

I, for one, am thoroughly sad to hear that the web is abuzz with rumors that Paula Abdul might be abdicating her judge-ship on American Idol. She’s my second fav of the 4 AI judges (I mean, honestly, no one beats Simon: that smile, that accent, his badass, smart-alleck wit…swoon; Randy I stop listening to after the first “dawg” leaves his mouth; and I haven’t completely warmed up to Kara, yet, though the girl can sing).

Ms. Abdul was always amidst controversy during her stint on the AI show, from Cory what’s-his-face who swore he did the “straight up” with Paula, to lingering questions as to whether or not her Coke might be mingling with some Captain in that bright red cup. Regardless, I don’t see how the show could be nearly as entertaining that mumbo jumbo that comes out of Paula’s mouth (“You’re so pretty!”) and her weird clap (seriously, what is with that?.

Let’s face it, guys: we need a little crazy dancing around while the contestants sing. But the crazy has, allegedly, left the building. So who can we get to take her place?

1) Whitney Houston (think Whitney with Bobby, not normal, awesome Whitney):

Aside from the fact that she is a LEGEND diva, cracked-out Whitney would be outstandingly funny to watch, be it her arguing with Simon or joining in with Randy in the dog pound. And if she dueted with Kara, forget it! Plus, people are constantly trying to sing her songs, so maybe it’s time they were judged by the queen herself.

2) Amy Winehouse:

She knows how to sing (well,) she’s totally unpredictable, and just think of the goodness that will come from her whipping a flask out of that beehive and throwing it back while the worst of the worst singers perform.

3) Cyndi Lauper:

Another 80′s supastaaaarrrr to rival Paula’s fame. Cyndi’s quirky, upbeat, bad ass attitude may not lead to her dancing during contestant’s solos, but I can definitely see some tension brewing between her (and her cartoonish voice) and Simon Cowell. It would be delicious.

4) Kelly Bensimon:

There are only two people who leave me scratching my head in confusion every time they talk. One just decided to leave American Idol and the other is Real Housewife of NY, Kelly Bensimon. Just think of the ridiculous nuggets of wisdom that would come from this woman’s mouth (“You are like fertilizer and you are smearing it around and growing…”). If you close your eyes, you might not even realize Paula is gone.

5) Heidi Montag:

Aside from Heidi’s INFINITE wisdom of the music world, she would merely be a good ploy for ratings. Lord knows people to tune in to hear what “sage advice” Mrs. Spencer Pratt could possibly bestow upon this year’s American Idol. My guess? It would involve plastic surgery, a boom box on the beach and Jesus. Lots of Jesus.

Randy Jackson next to hop on the designer bandwagon.

Well hello, perfect floral dress for summer!

Your student ID is useful…even after college.

We hope Carrie Underwood is OK…

OMG. Someone loves Adam Lambert a bit too much.

Ulta discounts for college girls!

Lookin’ good between seasons.

Super awesome green products.

Condi Rice and Randy Jackson?

You think you’ve had bad dates?

Win a free week at a spa!

So I’m one of those people who doesn’t feel guilty when I don’t give homeless people change. I can walk around with quarters jingling in every pocket, and they can follow me around salivating like Pavlov’s dog, and I’ll keep on talking or singing or counting squirrels without a second look. Now I’m not insensitive, I’ve just become de-sensitized. Even the girl with the bag pipes in the Public Garden and the guy with the banjo at Park Street have become nothing more than background music to whatever I happen to be thinking at the time.

Enter Status Quo.

Over the years I’ve learned I can’t dance. I can drink until I wake up in a toilet bowl, but I can’t even find rhythm there. When I first saw the ads for Randy Jackson Presents America’s Best Dance Crew on MTV, I put some T-Pain on iTunes, marked my calendar and waited to experience something as foreign as mud puddle mattress surfing.

And then I saw them. Status Quo. During the live casting episode, as Mario Lopez introduced the East Coast representatives, shots of Beacon Hill and Boston Common flashed across the screen. Six kids jumping and flipping off benches, and I knew those benches, and wait–I knew those kids.

I know these kids, I know this crew. I know their stunts. And I never gave them money. Status Quo, from Dorchester, Lynn, Roxbury and Mattapan; from those other stops on the T map where tourists don’t go. Dancing and battling on the State House steps.

And sh&t did I feel guilty. They survived the auditions, and the following Thursday, I texted in my vote. And I realized that maybe if I had only dropped a dollar in the hat, maybe if we had all only dropped a dollar in the hat, maybe they wouldn’t need votes. Maybe they’d already be America’s Best Dance Crew.

I know Status Quo, and sadly they know me. One of the many faces that stopped and watched, but never really saw them.

Well, AI won’t be around again for a few months, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get your talent show fix. (and no, The Singing Bee doesn’t count)

FameCast is an internet-based talent competition where the winner has the opportunity to win $10,000! And in an appreciated twist, the contest isn’t just for singers! Comedians, singers, dancers, directors, and spoken word artists all have a shot at a title in their category.

Fans voted for their favorite performers and all the performers had to do was upload a video of them doing their thing. Way easier than Idol, if you ask me.

The competition started out with open submissions and every 3-4 weeks the group narrowed down to 50, 25, 10, and then the final 5. The winners from all 12 categories will be premiered nightly at 9pm EST beginning December 10th on famecast.com.

Now, maybe you’re no judge, but I bet you have a little performer in there, right? According to their website, FameCast is holding open calls in Miami this Saturday and Sunday. Get your bags packed, voice ready, and hop the next flight to Florida!

You’re gonna be famous!

Sanjaya seems to have thankfully faded into pop culture history, and we’re yet to see if the American Idol curse will hit Jordin, or skip over her in a Carrie Underwood manor.

Seriously, didn’t it just end? So why, oh why are there already audition dates for the upcoming season? Is it so brave people don’t have to sit through horrible weather as they have in the past? Is it so Fox and the producers of AI can milk advertisers for even more money by making the show longer? Is it because we just can’t get enough?

Auditions begin on July 30th in San Diego, and snake their way across the country to finish up in Philadelphia on August 27th.

Cities hit in between—Dallas, Omaha, Atlanta, Charleston and Miami. My bet for the winner next year? Some cute farm girl from Omaha who will blow everyone away. I don’t know, just seems like an underdog story ready to be blown out of proportion.

I’ve always fancied myself quite a singer. I have my microphone shaped sponge in my shower (a gift from a friend, I swear), and I rock out to Think Before He Cheats and other power ballads. People haven’t run away when I sing at an occasional open mic.

But there is not a snowballs chance in hell that I—even if I had pipes like Whitney Houston and knew I was going to make it—would ever consider standing online with the tens of thousands of other people who are bound to show up. Never. And if it started to rain? I’d be out of there.

I just don’t have that kind of devotion.

But big up to those who do,– especially you crazies out there who make the really bad audition shows at the beginning. I hope you get one of those stupid awards they gave out at the finale.

My feeling is that American Idol is getting a little old. This season did not measure up to expectations in my book, and it was almost painful to sit through by the end of the season. I figure go out on top before you jump the shark. Can you jump the shark in a reality TV contest? Anyway… Bottom line—get out before we hate you.