So, in an attempt to avoid an ulcer or an unfortunate road rage incident, I vent to you, dear reader. Please feel free to join in and comment about anything–really, anything–that pissed. you. off. this week. Let it all hang out. I feel you.]

Cell phone companies: Lately, all these upbeat and happy-go-lucky cell phone company commercials (in addition to the fact that my phone has, miraculously, not been stolen for a few years) led me to lower my guard towards the vicious corporate cell conglomerates. Until yesterday.

I practically skipped out of the store getting sticky fingerprints alllll ovah my new Vu. I had barely blinked when I signed away on the $264 transaction and sold my cell-soul for another two years (I like to pretend I’m really rich when I buy expensive things that are necessary purchases…it makes parting with my very small funds a lil bit easier). Then my boyfriend called; he had dutifully been doing some comparison shopping, as he’s well aware of my tendency to impulse buy. He had found the same phone, same deal for $135… before the rebate. Naturally, I went to return my phone and buy take the cheaper deal, only to find that, no, the company could not reverse the contract they JUST processed. And, no, I could not return my phone because apparently they examine it for microscopic scratches and cite a $75 “re-stocking” fee. So it was either keep my phone, or pay to return it. After my contract expires, I’m switching to carrier pigeon.

Free-riders.  And, no, I don’t mean fun-loving motorcyclists. I’m talking about the imaginary 5th member of your presentation group, the one who never raised his hand in class to identify himself, the one who definitely didn’t come to the library to work on it, and the one who stood silently behind everyone on presentation day. Or perhaps the girl who e-mails the entire roster when she misses class (every Monday and Wednesday) asking what we covered. Maybe even the guy who sleeps next to you for the entirety of Stats and then coolly asks to borrow the notes you just painstakingly transferred into English from whatever dialect of it your teacher was speaking. Just so you know, Freeloaders, I bust my scholastic ass for the sake of my GPA—not yours.

Gym Resolutioners.  Yes, they are still there, clogging the turnstiles to get into the Student Gym. There are still hordes of girls (who are not even wearing proper exercise equipment/attire, might I add) extending the line for elliptical machines waaaay longer than necessary. There are still enough newcomers to exercise classes snapping up spaces on the sign-up sheets for kickboxing that I have to get to the gym FORTY-FIVE MINUTES before the class starts to wait in line, just so I hopefully get a spot. And they are definitely still taking my yoga classes, because whenever we do Downward Dog I hear giggling in the back of the studio. I’m all for everyone getting healthy in 2009, but come on, resolutioners, at least take working out seriously. And stop arriving in masses at 6 pm every night…I know you guys have some sort of communication signal that tells you all to stop whatever you’re doing at once and go crowd the Stairmasters!

Whew, I’m so worked up I might not even need to do Cardio today after that rant. What pissed YOU off this week?

[I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going gal, and try not to sweat the small stuff. But sometimes (ok, maybe slightly more often) the general cluelessness, carelessness and overall stupididty of some things and or/people really gets to me. I find that venting is the most efficient way to rid myself of the stress that idiots, wrong meal orders, lack of cell phone ettiquette and cheese flavored products (that don’t even contain any freaking cheese!) induce. So, in an attempt to avoid an ulcer or an unfortuante road rage incident, I vent to you, dear reader. Please feel free to join in and comment about anything–really, anything–that pissed. you. off. this week. Let it all hang out. I feel you.]

Football game traffic.

Under no condition should any human be confined to a small metal box harnessed into their seats and surrounded by others doing the same thing. A sweet play list is only a small consolation for being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic as you jealously stare at drunken fans playing flip cup on their front lawns, hours ahead of your severely lacking tailgate level. The only thing worse than the knowledge of your slowly depleting gas tank is the realization that you are missing out on precious pregaming time.

Senseless Acts of Brutality.

I hope that the inclusion of the tragic events affecting Jennifer Hudson’s family on this list doesn’t seem insensitive, because I am pissed. The woman, apart from being beautiful and talented, seems like such a kind person that it’s hard to imagine how anyone could hurt her and her family. Additionally, the pain inflicted on their family is only deepened by the disappearance of Hudson’s 7-year-old nephew. However horribly inhumane it is to commit murder, to take a child from their home and place them in danger is unforgivable a thousand times over. I hope the guilty party is caught and subject to the same pain they put the Hudson family through.

Severe Under-appreciation for Kings of Leon.

This band kicks ass. Don’t believe me? Check them out. If you already know of them and their general awesome-ness, then you can back me up in saying “Why the F**K aren’t these guys owning MTV?” They’re huge everywhere else (they’ve sold twice as many albums in Britain than they have in the U.S.) so why haven’t we jumped on the band…um, wagon optional. Let’s hope that their tour de force of NYC builds a bigger fan base for these rock geniuses, because if I have to listen to Flo-Rida reiterating that this is his jam and demanding that I get my hands in the “ayer,” sh*t’s gonna get ugly.

Apatow Wannabe’s.

Seriously? I mean, the man has made some pretty hilarious films, but there has to be a point of saturation when it comes to comedies that revolve around pot, bromance and titties. Pineapple Express, Sarah Marshall, the upcoming Zack & Miri Make a Porno are all valiant attempts at comedy gold on par with Knocked Up, Superbad and 40 Year Old Virgin, but at some point plotlines surrounding slackers with hearts of gold and gratuitous nudity become a little much—never mind the fact that the same clique of guys stars in every.single.one. The Frat Pack has moved on, maybe it’s time you guys should too.

Survivor Style Jury Duty.

As if jury duty didn’t suck hard enough, the 12 jurors of Senator Ted Stevens’ corruption trial (who have been in session since September 22, BTdubs) are dropping like flies—or at least attempting to knock off their fellow flies. Thanks to one disturbed woman, who was “rude, disrespectful and unreasonable” aimed “violent outbursts” at other jury members, the foreman wrote the presiding judge a note, asking to vote her off the island coutroom. Uh, guys? It’s that senator sitting out there standing trial for tricking out his mansion with goodies given to him by the heads of Big Oil that you’re supposed to be deliberating over—not each other.

Ok, now that I’ve got my judgy rant out of the way I can take a bubble bath and center my chi. What pissed you off this week?

What else are we going to talk about?

(*Excuse the slightly tipsy typo. We all know I meant to type SVU (as in, Special Victims Unit) instead of a type of gas guzzling giant car)

We IM our asses off.

[PS: We are not promoting scratching someone's eye out.  You could get arrested] 

Yes, I know that I am one. Yes, I realize that makes me hypocritical.

So before you all jump on the attack bandwagon, let me at least explain my position. It’s not girls I don’t like, per se. It’s just things about them. For example:

• The obsession with appearance. Yeah, I realize it’s sometimes important to look good. I even fall victim to this one sometimes. But the real problem I have is with girls who will goggle at a full closet of clothes and whine, “I have nothing to wear!” or girls that will try on something in a dressing room and then ask their poor boyfriends, “Does this make me look fat?”

Hello, ladies. He knows the drill. He’s not going to tell you it makes you look fat, because he cares about you (for reasons I will never understand). If you can’t ask an opinion question that has more than one right answer, don’t ask it at all.

• The crooked way they communicate. When you talk to a guy, it’s so straightforward. Everything is right there on the table; take it or leave it. When you talk to a girl, though, especially if it’s about something serious, the girl will tend to skirt the issue and ask leading questions and not be entirely truthful and….AAHHH! It drives me up the wall!

If you’re turning down a friend’s invitation to hang out, tell it like it is. Say, “I know this is stupid, but the hot physics prof is giving a seminar during that time” instead of “Oh, yeah, I would REALLY like to, but I have to go to this seminar for class.”

• The way they do things in groups. Sorry, ladies, but I’m with the guys on this one. WTF do you need to go to the bathroom in groups for? A bathroom isn’t for chatting and reapplying your mascara unless you’re having a serious appearance crisis. It’s for doing your business. Guys find this behavior bewildering for a reason—because it is bewildering. The same goes for other activities, too. If you want to see a movie but your best friend can’t go, go anyway. You’re the one who wants to see the movie. Have some independence.

• The way they scream and coo. If most girls even see a spider, they will immediately begin to scream blue murder. If the spider is on the girl, then you might as well kiss your eardrums goodbye. Seriously, girls, let’s get a grip here. An insect does not pose a threat to you unless it is poisonous, and most aren’t. To the insect, you are a giant with unimaginable power. Try acting like one.

I also want to gag when a girl will coo over how cute something is. Puppies, kittens, babies, a napkin folded like a swan, whatever: to most girls, it’s all “cute.”

No wonder so many guys think girls are airheads! Do you think your poodle enjoys getting shaved in some weird pattern and then being tied with a pink bow? The answer is no. If you want someone to sit up and take notice, express an intelligent thought instead of cooing about how adorable things are.

Now that I’m wrapping up, I might as well acknowledge something. Since all girls reading this are screaming, “You bimbo, not all girls are like that!” I’ll be the first person to admit that yes, I know that. Obviously I know that, because I’m a girl and yet all of these things disgust me. CC readers seem to be pretty smart chicks who have no difficulty expressing eloquent thoughts, so most of you all probably aren’t like the girls I hate, either.

But still—every time I call something “cute,” I internally kick myself.

It’s back!

After trying a few months of looking at the positives in life, I decided to put a halt to my weekly rant “Is That Really Necessary”. There is already so much negativity out there that I figured I didn’t need to bring anymore attention to it all. But I couldn’t help but get irked over this… and I am sure many of you are feeling the same.

Is it just me or should it be December 25th right now? Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas. I don’t even celebrate the holiday but I find myself more excited over Christmas specials, Christmas decorations, Christmas drinks at Starbucks, and sitting on Santa’s lap (creepy?) than my Christmas celebrating counterparts.

But people, (and by people, I mainly mean people of the radio and retail worlds) Christmas music already?! What is that about? How many weeks of “All I Want for Christmas Is You” can one person endure? Stores have been carrying Christmas goods and decorating their window shops with candy canes and reindeers. Shopping bags and coffee cups have made the ‘holiday switch’. The cute little gingerbread men are being slaughtered- families torn apart in larger numbers because they are already on bakery shelves! I know its ‘tis the season to be jolly’… except one major factor: TIS NOT THE SEASON YET!

We haven’t even had Thanksgiving. In fact, Thanksgiving is still two whole weeks away. Let me enjoy my stuffing and pumpkin pie, (and biggest bar night of the year) before you go all caroling and Christmas tree on me.

Radio station after radio station are playing Xmas songs. (this radio station happily claims to be “Detroit’s Official Christmas Station” Yipee) that I can’t get out of my head… and might I add by far the worst would be: Feliz Navidad/I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart”—you all know what I’m talking about.

So let me just say- enough with the Christmas music. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas you can ‘Silent Night’ and ‘Santa Clause is Coming to Town’ all you want on me… but two months before Christmas? Is that really necessary?!

I know what you’re thinking! You’re thinking I’m about to unload a 300 word rant on why they were left in the 80’s for a reason.

Nope! Sorry to disppoint, but I am pumped to see that seeming unflattering bottoms are back!

Most people will say if you’re going to go for the skinny look just go with skinny jeans (and if you’re seriously behind–leggings), but why can’t we have a little fun with our trends?

Nobody is saying you have to pair these with an oversized sweater and a side ponytail…just because it’s a revival trend doesn’t mean it can’t be modernized.

I say, pair the pants with simplified, streamlined, modern pieces. Some gold hoops here or some silver bangles there will pull your look together marvoulously.

Keep it monochromatic! If you’re going to rock the ankle straps, now is not the time to overload on color or pattern. Personally, I’d keep the outfit all black and pair it with a hot pair of pumps (any color or style!).

Most importantly? If you don’t like it don’t wear it. Nothing is more obvious than a girl who’s uncomfortable in her clothes. Being a slave to trends is tacky enough, but if you are clearly hating every second of it, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your wardrobe…and your outlook!

Think you’re ready for some stirrup action? Check them out here!

Message t-shirts.

If you’ve ever stepped foot in a mall, high school, or a club on “teen night,” you’ve probably witnessed this eye sore. What’s the big deal about words on a t-shirt? Message t-shirts are chosen deliberately and carefully, which is why I cannot forgive them.

Too-tight jeans? Maybe you’re just in denial about your muffin top.

Uggs? Perhaps you mistakenly think they look good.

Crocs? Blindness, I assume.

But message t-shirts actually anger me. What kind of girl is perusing the racks at Hot Topic and deciding that she wants to let everyone know that she is a Beer Slut? And what does that even mean? Has anyone ever received positive attention for wearing a shirt that proudly proclaims, “My Boyfriend’s Out of Town”?

It also seems that this trend, which I first noticed in middle school, is not something some people grow out of. I was recently out for drinks at a dive bar and almost choked on my beer when I saw a women in her 20’s wearing a t-shirt that proudly proclaimed, in pink glittery cursive, “Daddy’s Girl.” Yeah, nothing hotter to the guy you’re trying to pick up at a bar than to be boldly confronted with your daddy issues before he even buys you a drink.

What is this need to proclaim that we are hotties, angels, and cheaters across our chests in the form of glitter and pretty bubble letters? The only things that are missing are a scrunchie and platform sneakers and you might as well be in high school, snapping your gum and smoking cigarettes in the parking lot during gym class. What happened to look chic and fuss-free, and most importantly, letting our mouths, not our t-shirts, do the talking?

Our friends at BestWeekEver show us that Gunnery Sergeant Harvey Walden IV is one pissed-off mofo. While it turned out to be one of the funniest on-air rants I have seen EVER, it was kinda funny that Dustin Diamond just sat back. Ironically, he didn’t even seems phased. “He’s not gunna fight me on national television,” pretty much summed up the incident. I mean, I know Screech owes a LOT of money to several banks as well as the IRS, but trying to get your ass kicked on TV so that you have a viable law suit seems a little excessive.

EVEN more entertaining, he challenges Walden (a career marine and former drill sergeant) to a UFC match. You know, those guys who put on paper thin gloves and beat the testosterone out of each other – yep!

I think it is a cry for help…Dustin we are here for you – but if you f**ng EVER challenge us like that we will kick you mutha f**ng a**, you hear us! We will put down this mocha late and wreck your sh** until your f**ng mother can recognize you…WORD!

Enjoy!