My Story: Struggling With An Eating Disorder

All I want today is a doughnut. A big, sticky, sugary, flaky doughnut.

And I’m f*&cking incensed over it.

All I want to do today is be elbow deep in butter cream frosting and rub it all over my face like war paint, while making Indian battle cries over my victory of gluttony.

And I’m so irate over it, that I cursed my salad for tasting like a f*&cking salad, instead of a cupcake.

No, I’m not about to start my period. I’m just being reminded that my eating has to be conscious in order to not fall back into a period of my life that was unhealthy and dark. A period where I let my mind, stress, and brutal standards for myself take over.

I used to have an eating disorder.

Back then, I would never acknowledge that’s what it was, the words too difficult to even think in my head. I never CALLED what I had a disorder. Instead I used words like hardcore dieting, choosing healthy options, and on the bad days I was having a “Free day“- though most people’s free days didn’t include 4 stops to 4 different fast food chains, followed by 2 boxes of cereal, followed by candy bars, followed by liquor, followed by pastries, followed by immobility. And often followed by vomiting. Read More »