I’ve been on a bunch of job interviews. I’ve been interviewed by one person, a panel of three, in multiple cities, for varying sizes of companies, and for everything from retail to administrative to creative positions. There are a few general rules for job interviewing:

Eye contact
Speak succinctly and with clarity
Allow the interviewer to lead the interview
Bring multiple copies of your resume handy
Do prior research on the company your interviewing with

These will definitely help get you out of The Shire. However, there’s one golden rule above them all that is guaranteed to make you a “can’t miss” prospect.

It’s not about what they can do for you, it’s about what you can do for them.

They called you in. They called you in to see what you can offer them. This approach will have you focus on what your strengths are, allow you to comment on what exemplifies the company you want to be apart of, and how you can become an indispensable addition, because you can contribute.

Maybe you can refill a stapler in under 6.5 seconds. Maybe you can run a half-mile in 2 minutes-whatever your skills, strengths, or accomplishments, this kind of mentality allows you to focus on those and how they work within the system you’re attempting to get involved with.

You don’t have to phrase this as in, “This is what I think you’re missing,” but rather, “This is what I love about this place, and here’s how I can add something to it.” It makes you appear proactive, eager, appreciative, and a team player. Because that’s the key to any job: remembering that you’re not going to be on your own the whole time but working with other people.

It’s not about what they can do for you, it’s about what you can do for them.

Every question they ask, think that thought. Every time you see an opening to elaborate on an answer, think that thought. It’s a way of keeping your focus in the room. You have something to offer them. Make the offer.

Always Be Closing,

The Dude

Proposition 8 was overturned, and now we have to see that lesbian comedienne Ellen Degeneres as the new face of JCPenney? Where on EARTH will I shop now? Ladies, we’ve got to do something about this. Let’s protest that crazy talk show host so that her homosexuality doesn’t taint all our kids’ back-to-school clothes and our Christmas shopping.

Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating the thought process of a member of One Million Moms, a conservative group that’s got their high-leg briefs in a twisted bunch because out and proud Ellen Degeneres is the new JCPenney spokesperson. The group issued a statement following the company’s announcement:

“Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families. More sales will be lost than gained unless they replace their spokesperson quickly. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war then their brand transformation will be unsuccessful…By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JCPenney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years.”

Fox News contributor Sandy Rios, who supports the One Million Moms perspective, summed up this week’s Hot Button Issue while on The O’Reilly Factor: ”The problem is that Ellen DeGeneres has chosen to act out her lesbian lifestyle and marry her partner, it’s what that represents,” she said. “And the fact that JCPenney is supposed to be middle America, the place where families shop…and people who believe that marriage is between a man and woman and children should not be exposed and propagandized in homosexuality have a moral problem with that.”

Well I’m sorry, Sandy, and the members of One Million Moms, but America—the land of opportunity, the land of the free and the home of the brave—is changing. And for the better. Thank goodness it’s been allowed to change, or else women would never be able to proudly make a buck in any workplace and we’d still stupidly have slaves everywhere who each only count as three-fifths of a person. Though the country has managed to acknowledge the basic human right of being considered an entire person to these minority groups, why can’t such a given be also applied to those who aren’t perfectly heterosexual? Those who choose to be both free AND brave?

If you’re protesting Ellen’s employment with JCPenney, you’re asking that the company discriminates based on her sexual orientation. Hm, discrimination definitely sounds like one of “the negative influences our children are forced to contend with”—you know, the part of society’s “filth” that you should be working to fight, rather than avoiding the hilarious and kindhearted Ellen Degeneres and every product she’s ever endorsed. I’m guessing you’re missing out on the greatness that is CoverGirl LashBlast Mascara and the daily dose of awesome on The Ellen Degeneres Show. Oh man, your kids must have never even seen the movie Finding Nemo! Do you tell them that they can’t go on the Submarine Voyage ride at Disneyland because that funny blue fish is the voice of an evil lesbian?!

Oh, and by pushing Ellen down and calling her names, you’re being a bully. That’s right, One Million Moms, all 40,000 of you are guilty of anti-gay bullying.

Thankfully, the group’s protests and cries were no matter for the department store, as the company stood behind their decision. And yesterday, the free and brave Ellen Degeneres addressed her haters and, therefore, her motivators, on her talk show. ”I’m proud and happy to say that JCPenney stuck by their decision to make me their spokesperson. Which is great news for me because I also need some new crew socks.”

On a more serious notes, she continued, “I really want to thank everyone who is supporting me…Here are the values I stand for. I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you’d want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. That’s what I stand for.“

To be honest, I’m surprised that One Million Moms even had the time to jumpstart a JCPenney protest. The group has also requested action against Macy’s, ABC’s Modern Family and Mattel. Don’t shop at Target for promoting the destructive program that is Degrassi, don’t watch Dancing With The Stars because the show “aired a definition of ‘transgender’” and don’t support Ben & Jerry’s because of their “tasteless” ice cream flavor names. Thank goodness—that means there’s more Schweddy Balls for me!

Watch Ellen’s full speech now. It’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, it’s all things Ellen Degeneres.

Should JCPenney be concerned about losing conservative customers? Or will they gain more respect for taking a stand?

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

It’s not easy being gay. In a world where heterosexuality is the norm and homosexuality has often been seen as more than just a religious taboo throughout history—you know, when legitimately recognized at all, that is—the LGBT community has worked tirelessly to declare that sexual preference is not a “preference” at all; instead, the nature vs. nurture arguments now lean more toward a “I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way” mantra. However, is it necessarily a winner-takes-all conclusion in the homosexuality debate? According to Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon, maybe there’s more than one way to be gay. And ton of people are pissed off about it.

I’m pissed off too, to be honest. I’m pissed off at the people who are pissed off about it. In this week’s Hot Button Issue, I invite you to read the following carefully, because a lot of vocal opinions on the Internet are getting it all just a little bit twisted…in my opinion.

Actress Cynthia Nixon, whom we know as Miranda Hobbes on Sex and the City, has always been a peculiar case study for the LGBT community: she was happily in a relationship with a man for 15 years (they even had two kids together), but she’s been dating a woman since 2004. Though her sexual orientation seemed to have made a switch, she has said in the past that she didn’t feel like she was necessarily lying to herself or hiding anything. ”I’d been with men all my life, and I’d never fallen in love with a woman,” she told The Daily Telegraph in 2007. ”But when I did, it didn’t seem so strange. I’m just a woman in love with another woman.”

Many gay activists call her midlife switch in sexual orientation disingenuous, and Nixon chose to defend her relationship by controversially stating that for her, homosexuality is a choice. She explained to the New York Times Magazine:

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

Opponents argue that defining Nixon’s gayness isn’t about Nixon at all; it’s about how she’s abusing her elevated platform as a celebrity with comments that can not only further confuse young people who are struggling with their sexuality in silence, but also give conservatives some free ammunition to use against the LGBT community as they continue to fight for equal civil rights. Unfortunately, this is partly true, as people who are famous for something seem to automatically become spokespeople and advocates for something else (Demi Lovato fighting eating disorders, Rihanna speaking up against domestic violence, etc.). Cynthia Nixon just wants to worry about Cynthia Nixon, but she may have given up that right when she signed on for her first big acting role.

The thing about Nixon is that she refuses to call herself bisexual; she genuinely states that she was straight before, but she’s gay now. Political blogger and gay activist John Aravosis called her out on the supposed misnomer of her sexual orientation: “It’s not a ‘choice,’ unless you consider my opting to date a guy with brown hair versus a guy with blonde hair a ‘choice.’ It’s only a choice among flavors I already like.  And if you like both flavors, men and women, you’re bisexual, you’re not gay, so please don’t tell people that you are gay, and that gay people can ‘choose’ their sexual orientation, i.e., will it out of nowhere.  Because they can’t.”

Supporters of Nixon’s views say that whether people of the LGBT community say their sexual orientation is rooted in nature or nurture, it won’t actually make a positive difference in fighting the good fight. “Ask African Americans if they think being ‘born that way’ helped during the hundreds of years they fought for equal rights, or ask women about being born that way and how that helped get the right to vote or other rights,” wrote Windy City Times editor Tracy Baim in The Huffington Post. She also pointed out that religion is also a ‘choice’ that right-wing opponents seem to recognize, but ignore that of gender or sexuality. “If they hate us, they hate us, and how we got this way just doesn’t compute in their narrow minds.”

And after seeing both sides of the Hot Button Issue and agreeing with all the good intentions on the table, I feel like these members of the LGBT community are simply arguing over technicalities at this point. If being gay means something different to Cynthia Nixon than it does to John Aravosis, then can’t both definitions exist? She isn’t attacking anyone else’s sexuality; she’s only speaking out about her own. Why attack a fellow soldier whose sword isn’t even threatening you at all? Like Tracy says, there’s a different enemy that the community might be losing sight of, because of this.

Actually, both sides seem to still have a common goal in mind: so many say that these comments will confuse young kids who are currently debating and simply trying to figure their way around what they’re feeling, but what seems to be more confusing to me, a straight person in shock of all this controversy, is how these people of the LGBT community seem to be attacking each other’s worth. Does this environment seem like a safer place than the world where one is held against a harsh heterosexual standard, a place where you won’t be judged by your sexual orientation? Even more so, maybe Nixon’s controversial comments will actually help those young people out there who actually hope to choose to be gay but didn’t know they could! Can people still explore their sexuality after being in a heterosexual relationship or two? Yes, says Cynthia Nixon, you can, and it doesn’t necessarily negate the love you had for those of the opposite sex at the time.

And if we’re gonna get technical about timelines and titles, is a virgin who has never been in a relationship still straight, even if she’s never found a man she’s been attracted to? Just a thought.

I know it’s an important conversation, but it’s not that important and worth fighting over to the point where people forget what is actually worth fighting FOR. And sadly, that greater fight is still far from over. Whether “born this way” or bred into another, Cynthia Nixon is simply saying that we are who we are, right here, right now, and that’s all that matters. That’s all that needs to be accepted, at any point. “Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate?” Nixon asked in the NYT interview. “It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate.”

Who is to say who we’ll be attracted to tomorrow, and who is to blame for who you were attracted to yesterday? Whether straight, gay, bisexual, or still figuring it out, your sexual orientation is yours and yours alone, and the only person who could ever have any kind of definition on the matter is the one you love, because that person’s gender—not their opinion—might change that label.

Can homosexuality be a choice for some people? Are Cynthia Nixon’s comments completely out of line, or are John Aravosis’ blogs overstepping personal boundaries?

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

Real World is recruiting the 99%

Which three celebrities made Emma Stone cry??

Men really should not be wearing heels

What exactly is drunkorexia?

The French first family welcomes a girl!

High end is the best end

How involved should family be in your relationship

Great last minute costume ideas

“If one more person raises their hand in class and asks what time the final exam is as it is written in the 80 page syllabus, I’m going to vow to never eat a scone from the caf ever again. And that’s serious.”

“I think somebody farted in class today and I hope it wasn’t the hot dude. I really like looking at him and that would totally ruin things for me.”

These aren’t conversations I have anymore. In fact, I can’t even believe I used to have them. They are completely pointless, entirely stupid and absolutely glorious.  Ok FINE, I wish I still talked about this kind of stuff on a daily basis – but things have been a little different in my new post grad life. I never said people don’t fart in meetings rooms, but they aren’t sexy and I won’t tell anyone about it.

I’ve noticed a huge shift in my conversations lately. They’re like, slightly grown up. Flash Notice: I still talk about sex, flatulence, snot and totally gross 5-year-old boy things – just bare with me while I try to sound cool and old. Here are the top five new things I’m chatting about these days (that I’m not quite used to yet):

1. Work

Work is by far the most popular post grad topic to blab about (partially because you don’t know what else to think about and partially because it’s all you know to think about). People at work. Arguments at work. Mistakes at work. Failing at work. Having a “semi-good day” at work. Secret work crushes. You ate lunch at your desk at work. You spoke your mind in a meeting at work. You drank a lot of water at work so you’d waste time going to the bathroom at work. Everything I talk about nowadays is fogged with that ‘w’ word. Work, work, work, WORK.

2. People getting married/engaged/pregnant on Facebook

Vanished are the days that I can look at Facebook and point and laugh at the embarrassing pictures of people getting hammered in public. This happens at least once a day for me. I open up Facebook, glance over the news feed and look up from my computer to screen to my roommate that yet another high school classmate popped out a baby and took the baby daddy’s stupid last name.

3. Not making enough money

I don’t know how long THIS one is going to last but it’s already getting old. I get a big girl job and suddenly think I should be making enough money to shop at Pottery Barn and J Crew on a weekly basis. Not really the case people. I have a paid salary ego and it’s gotta go.

4. Stress.

This is a conversation topic spawned from the work topic. After spending all day talking about how I’m not married, single, not making that much money and dealing with everything at my job – I can’t help but to talk about how many zits I have because all I do is stress eat and pick at my face.

5. The future

In college, all I talked about was…college (and where we were spending thirsty Thursday). The future was a dark blob that sat in the corner of my mind, untouched with minimal regret for feeling that way. Now, the future lays out in front of me like a fresh tar highway that I am being forced to drive on at top speed. And all I want to do is talk about it with my friends! “Where do you think we’re going to be in a year? What happens if I make this decision, how much will it effect the next few months? Will I lie in a box in two months because I want to quit my job and the economy is bad?”

Who knows. And that’s the beauty of it all.

Come college, however, the best times usually happen during the semesters, not between them. You’ve heard it before — especially if you’re a regular CollegeCandy reader – high school friends tend to drift apart, hometowns suddenly become boring and living with your parents…ick, don’t even get me started. The idea of a blue popsicle and a trip to the local pool sounds borderline painful when you could potentially be at Dollar Beer Night with your campus besties.

And so the concept of summer quickly loses its luster. Facebook newsfeeds are clogged with “Get me back to football season,” “Miss my [insert school name] girls!” and “Counting down to move- in!” sentiments. Because seriously, who wants to be stuck at home with nothing to do but get their nails done and shop and maybe stop by a part-time job a couple times a week and then go back to shopping and free lunches with mom and….

Oh wait, was my jealousy showing?

Yeah, that’s because I’m no longer in college. As a graduate, I work five days a week, most weeks out of the year. When the employed want time off, it’s never in three-month chunks. Typically, it’s a sick day here, a long weekend there. Having graduated in 2009, I’m still fairly new to this Real World business, but, unfailingly, each July it hits me- wait, where’s my summer break? Why am I still expected to wake up before 8 a.m. and remain sober on weeknights? Don’t these people know about Thirsty Thursday!? I just want a vodka soda and a bendy straw (…she said through sobs).

To the undergraduates out there, I offer this: Embrace the boredom. Watch as much reality tv as your mushy brains can handle. Attend Kegs and Eggs before dawn on game day. Hell, while you’re at it, attend that CEOs and Secretary Hoes mixer, too. Nothing good will come of it, I promise you that, but years later that same mixer will revisit you in the form of an office Christmas party. But in the future version, there’s a twist ending: you’ll be the only one blacked out with your shirt unbuttoned. Get it out of your system now to save face later. Trust me here.

As for my fellow graduates: It’s almost quittin’ time. Who wants to grab a drink?

When I look back to being a little tike, I was this needy biznatch with sticky fingers and a demand issue. “Mama, get me my big wheel from the garage, come stick this straw into my Capri Sun, push me on the swing set!”  I didn’t bat an eyelash when I wanted something to be done in my honor.  Life was simple and all about me; I saw what I wanted of my future and demanded I have it right then and there. If a little snot-nosed brat at my daycare gave me the stank eye, I’d give it right back and take a triumphant swig from my sippy cup.

What happened to that relentless passion for demanding what I want?

Nowadays, my mouth is politely sealed. Granted, life has changed since I was riding dirty in my Big Wheel and crapping in my own pants on a normal basis…but why can’t I resort to that unapologetic attitude to get what I want?

Lately, I can’t count all the times I’ve bitten my tongue in a situation. When I was younger and I liked someone, I would blurt it to their face at Sunday school and we’d be dating the next day. Nowadays, I can’t seem to tell anyone how I feel until the very last minute, or when it’s too late. I recently ended up hurting someone because I couldn’t grow the balls to tell them how I truly felt. How did I let it come to that? Where are all these shy and timid feelings coming from?

Ever since graduating from college, when it comes to getting what I want, I’ve been very…careful.  In the back of my mind, I have this vision that I have so much time left to figure out the right way and time to say these things.  I’m only twenty-four, after all! Like, sometimes I’m in a meeting at work and have a brilliant idea, or I’ll be sitting with the guy I really like and want to tell him he makes me relaxed and happy, or a friend betrays me. And what do I do? Nothing.

Then I walk away and berate myself for keeping my lips sealed.

I think my timid behavior has something to do with me being a brand new investment. (Just stay with me here.) At a new job, I’m young and not as experienced as others might be. I’ll have a genius idea, at least I think it’s genius, but I get scared to speak up, worried that someone else could have better ideas than me and others will compare and judge me.  With a new guy, I don’t want to say something too soon because he barely knows me and could back off….quickly.

But while I could be an investment to others, how much of a personal investment do I want to put into any situation for myself?  I have to be willing to take a chance.  That’s what investments are.  If I’m honestly feeling a certain way about something, I should say it in front of the people that matter to me. I mean, if they’ve invested in me, they should want to hear it, right? No one at my job is going to slap my hand for a creative idea.  No man should shy away from an innocent peek-a-boo of feelings.  And if they don’t like what I have to say, that’s their loss.

College, from class discussions to student groups to drunken parties, was all about speaking up. Sure, I felt more confident doing it there (which might have had something to do with Liquid Courage), but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t stand up and do the same now. I may be new to this whole post-grad life thing, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the experience, knowledge and skills to be here. I have lots to say and people should want to hear it, damn it!

Which is exactly what I’m going to tell myself whenever I feel the urge to bite my tongue again. Now, more than ever, I need to fight for what I want, whether it’s a meaningful relationship,  a promotion at work or someone to help me stick that damn straw in my Capri Sun.

Yes, I still drink Capri Sun.

I'm a big kid now!

I’ve spent my entire life blaming other things for my misdoings.

I ate your entire loaf of Cottage Bread last night while making toast on the George Foreman?  I blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol.  I cried during every scene of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?  I blame it on my intense emotional monthly girly pains. I was pulled over doing 58 in a 40 on my way home from work?  I blame it on my lead foot and my dire need to catch the last five minutes of Glee.  I got in an argument with my man-friend in front of a breakfast buffet at a hotel downtown at 6:30 a.m…. in front of an innocent family? Totally his fault.

The sad thing about the entire previous paragraph is the fact that all of the things above actually happened to me in the last week. I promise, I’m a grown up graduate!

Anyway, after reading that embarrassing list of faux pas, I’ve reached a revelation in my life: taking responsibility for my actions. I need to stop passing blame on others/alcohol/my emotions and finally take the blame for myself. This seems like a simple philosophy; didn’t I learn that in daycare fifteen years ago when I learned I was falling off the slide because I wasn’t, in fact, Wonderwoman?

The thing is, I’ve finally discovered that responsibility is more than just having it.  While I should be responsible, I need to learn to step forward and take responsibility for things I do. I mean, looking back, my man-friend did not deserve my rapid arm gestures that nearly knocked over the dry croissants at the hotel breakfast buffet the other morning.

Obviously, owning up to my own actions is most important when it comes to my big-girl job.  I can’t point my finger at my co-workers about something that could be my fault.  I’m not going to lie, I let a few group projects in college pass without owning up to my own mistakes.  I figured if I didn’t say anything, my group members would assume someone else messed up, kind of like the ‘whoever smelt it dealt it’ scenario. But that shiz doesn’t work in the real world. Not when there are real problems that need to be solved and my career to consider.

But taking responsibility doesn’t end at 5 o’clock when I speed home from work so I can watch Friends reruns; it’s important in my relationship as well.  For example, instead of getting completely twisted when my man-friend gets mad at me for “no reason,” I need to look at things from his perspective.  What am I missing? Did I do something to get the ball rolling towards total buffet warfare? If I sit back and take responsibility for saying the wrong words to offend him (as opposed to assuming everything is his fault) that leaves a lot of room for growth and understanding. Both for myself and for my relationship.

New life outlook considered, one thing I want to remain aware of is that my growing sense of responsibility should not be confused with a growing sense of guilt.  Although I may be responsible for some wrongdoings, that does not mean I should feel guilty when I mess up.  I make mistakes, just like everyone else in this world.  Taking responsibility for absolutely everything shouldn’t be my main concern; I just want to be aware of the fact that I’m not always blameless and that some of the things that happen in my life are indeed because of me.

Of course, that being said, I will try not to apologize too often for failing to maintain a perfectly trimmed “responsibility garden.”  Conquering responsibilities does not mean I should let anyone walk all over me. I need to learn to stand up for myself and make a real effort to be around those who appreciate me just the way I am. A responsible adult.

So…big day is almost here.

You ready for the real world?

What are your plans?

If you’re cringing at the very thought of these questions then there’s only one possible explanation: You too are a college senior. You too are caught between college and real life, trying to enjoy the time you have left at college while also trying to make plans for what comes next. You too are frustrated and upset, and unsure. But most importantly you too are badgered daily, no hourly, about all those post college plans. They want to know everything and they want to know it now. But you don’t even know the answers yourself so how can you answer their questions?

Well, lucky for you, I’ve compiled a list of answers for all those pesky questions you’re constantly being bombarded with. They may not be truthful and they may get you a few strange looks but they’ll definitely shut them up.

1. Do you have a job lined up yet?

Currently I’m mulling over a few different offers. MTV wants me on their new reality TV show. But I’m also really tempted by my acceptance to Harvard Law. Then again can Boston compare to that loft they promised me in Manhattan if I went to work for Donald Trump? Eh, maybe I’ll just finally accept Ryan Reynolds’ proposal and spend a few months honeymooning with him. What do you think I should do?

2. Whatshisname is going where? That’s all the way across the country. How are you two going to stay together?

Phone sex. Lots of it. All the same. At work. On the train. At night. In fact we have an appointment right now. We’re practicing. If you’ll excuse me.

3. Isn’t that going to be terrible, moving back in with your parents?

Yes, but in exchange for a lack of privacy I get free room and board. Free meals. Someone to help me do my laundry and a place to crash while I figure out exactly what I want to do with my life. If you can think of a better alternative please do let me know.

4. You’ve got a job? That’s great? How’d you manage that?

Slept my way to the top.

5. What are your plans?

I’ve sent in my application to live at the Playboy mansion. If that doesn’t work out I’ll just have to marry rich, which means I’ll be spending this summer googling how to be the best damn gold digging whore out there, you?

6. Can I have your futon? You don’t need it anymore, right?

Sure, you can have it. Just as long as you don’t mind me coming along with it. Because I’ve decided I’m just not ready to leave yet. I just didn’t know how to make it work if I stayed. But if you’re taking my futon that’s perfect. I’ll just crash at your place. With my futon.

7. So…are you going to miss college?

No. Not at all. Not in the least. Why would I miss the place I’ve called home for the past four years? Why would I miss the place I’ve made some of the greatest memories of my life? Why would it even matter to me at all?

8. Ready for the big day?

Am I ready for the big day? I hadn’t really thought about it? Cap and gown? Check. Graduating? Check. Ability to walk in a straight line without falling or laughing? Hmm. Maybe I should practice that. Or at least not drink that bottle of Jack before the ceremony…

9. Do you think you’ll stay in touch with your friends?

Nah. Somehow I don’t think Facebook, e-mail or Skype are going to cut it. So I’m not even going to bother trying. We’ll say goodbye at graduation and then that will be that. Cut the cord, you know?

10. You got a job that’s great? What’s your starting salary?

Millions. I mean megamillions. I work one year and I’ll never have to work again. One week and my college loans will forever be paid off. It’s great. I won’t give you an actual number though. It will blow your mind.

Of course, if none of that works, breaking down into sobs should do the trick. Trust me, works like a freaking charm. And sometimes you’ll even get pity presents!

I come face to face with mistakes more than I’d like to admit.  In fact, they stalk my life worse than anything DJ Pauly D has ever encountered on The Shore. Today, I made the mistake of eating five chocolate dipped macaroons before going on an impromptu run outside. Let’s just say I haven’t felt a stomach cramp like that since, well, ever. And the other day,  I drank coffee after 3 P.M., unaware that I have the same internal workings as an 80-year-old woman.  I couldn’t fall asleep for days.  Not to mention, I had terrible heartburn.

But my mistakes don’t only involve internal bodily harm. The truth is, lately I’ve been behaving in weird, mysterious and dumb ways. I’ve partied on the occasional weekday. I went running back to a guy that didn’t deserve even the time it takes to bat an eyelash in his direction. I stopped working out because I thought eating less would make me happier.

Mistake, mistake, big (literally) mistake.

And while these self-inflicted issues continue to frolic my way, I always have that small glitter of reassurance. Reassurance in knowing that (even though I’ve learned the hard way), I’ll never do it again.  Hands on experiences and mistakes are always the best, right?  Once I learn the hard way, I learn. I learn to never make the same mistake twice. Right?

Wait, why is no one answering me?
Hello?
Bueller?
Am I right?!

I’m wrong.

And I’m not just talking about binge eating mini-macaroons before I go on a “run” around the block. As much as I’d like to believe it, Justin Bieber’s song, ‘One Time’ was NOT dedicated to the number of times I’d mess up. (It was also not dedicated to the amount of times I’d listen to Justin Bieber on repeat.) The hard truth is, I’m not an invincible superwoman that has the ability to make mistakes only once. Not at all.

Before I graduated and before I started messing up time and again, I thought I had them all figured out. I thought I’d learned my lessons. I’d had enough hung over Thursdays in college to know that drinking boxed wine at midnight on a Wednesday was not my best idea. And ever since I woke up one morning in college to a guy actually farting on my leg, I knew needed to screen potential suitors more seriously.

Yet here I am, a year later, making those same stupid mistakes again (well, the new guy isn’t farting on me, exactly, but he is acting like a piece of crap), and hating myself for it.

And it’s got to end.

Even though I am going down the wrong path yet again, I need to stop mentally beating myself up (“Why are you so stupid, Brittany? YOU ARE A COLLEGE GRAD!”) and realize that recycling mistakes might not be such a bad thing.

Remember that quote, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?”  Well, I hate it. And not just because George Bush botched it so badly in that one speech that one time. It’s just way too much pressure for one human being.  So what if I go back for more? Maybe I’m just double checking to make sure a previous mistake wasn’t going to be a future glorious experience. Maybe this time around things will be different.

We live in a society where making mistakes multiple times makes us look naive, stupid and insecure, but I’ve come to learn that it doesn’t need to be that way. I mean, I’m already fragile and emotional enough; I don’t need yet another thing to beat myself up about. At the end of the day, I am only human; there is no way I can waltz through life only messing up once.

If I did, what would I be missing out on?