"I have to go. You're older than my dad."

Another week, another episode of The Bachelor.  As I said last week, Brad’s not my favorite guy.  Seriously, did he really bring his therapist on the show tonight to squeeze in a quick soul-searching sesh?  Oy!  But since I’m not drooling over him as I did some of the other previous Bachelor/ette participants (Andrew Firestone, Reid Rosenthal, Cape Cod Chris, etc.), I am paying closer attention to the show itself.  And guess what?  It’s scary!

Did you know that Brad’s 38?  The oldest woman recruited for the show is 32.  Miss Melissa, the waitress from Connecticut, is six years Brad’s junior and was denied a rose the second week. (Although, to be fair, I have a feeling it had less to do with her age and more to do with her Vienna horse face/the fact that she was CRAZY.)  Currently, the oldest two women are only 30 – Meghan and Scary Michelle.  The youngest members on Team Brad?  Three women are…wait for it…24.  Two years out of college and they’re competing for the love of a guy who’s almost 40.  Now I’m not age-ist and I’m not saying relationships built despite such large age gaps can’t work.  But (and this is a big “but”) I do feel as though now is an appropriate time to direct your attention to Article 113 of the Official Bro Code. Read More »

Here’s the deal, people. I love reality TV as much as the next person. I die over the fake words and ridiculous sayings that The Situation or Rachel Zoe come up with every week and immediately go ba-nanas figuring out how I will incorporate said words into my daily vernacular.

But I also love quality TV. You know, something with a plot line. Something with some drama (and I’m not talking about The Situation putting a tampon under Angelina’s pillow type of drama, thankyouverymuch). Something with a hunky male lead who doesn’t rely on a daily routine of GTL to maintain his hunkiness. Actors with actual talent. I’m talking about a show with a certain actor whose daughter once wore a vial of blood around her neck.

I’m talking about Lone Star. Read More »

"This is not going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet. In fact, it might be the most predeictable."

Monday’s Bachelor Pad finally proved that the popular girls will always win. And homely (relatively speaking, of course), single girls will always go home alone…in stretch limos….to their cats.

After 25 minutes of pacing and pretending that they weren’t going to choose the girls they’ve boned, the guys booted out the extra female stragglers and were forced to commit to one lady for the rest of the season.  There were no surprises.  The juiceheads and Kipytn guys held all the cards.  Gwen finally left.  Elizabeth called her out for being in her 40s (like we couldn’t guess).  I shed a tear because I think poor Gwen was the only normal person there.  You know, minus the copious amounts of plastic surgery and her bejeweled rose tee shirt and whatnot.

While I readily embrace the new dynamic of the game (what? I like watching 120 minutes of sloppy makeout sessions every Monday – it takes me back to my freshman frat party days), I do so with a skeptical eye.  Initially, I had Kiptyn pegged to win this whole thing, as did most people.  But now I’m not so sure.  With next week’s episode being the finale, I figured we should take a look at the odds each duo has for winning the $250k.

Kiptyn & Tenley
Pros: No one would ever have them pegged as the vicious, backstabbing kind.  In a future vote, should one occur, their word would be golden among the other competitors.  Should they decide to switch their votes at the last minute, no one would see it coming and it could seriously work to their advantage.

Additionally, if I recall correctly, Tenley used to be a Disney Princess (no joke) and danced in shows for little kids.  This could give her an edge with next week’s ballroom dancing challenge. Read More »

Obama calls for 8 million more college grads.

Miley Cyrus CAN be tamed.

Why is make up sex so great?

The complete financial survival guide for college students.

Fall fashion gets some super hero inspiration.

The 10 saddest reality shows.

Who knew the girl could eat?

Another week, another train wreck, am I right?

There were so many life lessons packed into last night’s Bachelor Pad.  For example, all breathing sounds like heavy breathing when you’ve got a 200 lb dude laying on top of you and your mic.  The shower is not a private place.  Pie is gross, but throwing up is not necessarily a turn-off….

While I appreciated these gems of wisdom, I felt like the episode served an even larger purpose for setting the pace for the rest of the season. More than anything we learned that, much like Fight Club, the Bachelor Pad has a few rules by which you must abide if you want to succeed at the game.

The first Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never shoot smoke up Gia’s butt.
Her words, and eloquent they are.  Wes, I do believe she was looking at you when this winner of a phrase made its BP premier.  For your sake, I hope you take heed.  But judging by the season previews, you whip out that damn guitar and recycle the song you wrote for Jillian.  They say love, it don’t come easy to smoke-shooting man whores.

The second Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never do anything Jesse B. doesn’t approve of.
Because one minute he’ll be all up on you next to a luxurious pool, and the next he won’t even be able to speak your name or form a coherent sentence.  It’s just…like, uh…he ummm…heard.  From someone.  That, uhhh…Natalie was being flirtatious with some of the other guys.  No sh*t, Jesse.  It’s a game where you’re basically seducing people to vote for your enemies.  We all saw what happened there.  Gia turned your head and you wanted an easy out from things with Nat.  Typical guy.

The third Rule of Bachelor Pad is to not hook up with Elizabeth.
She’s still crazy.  And lady gets attached.  Like claws in, hanging on for dear life attached.  Poor Kovacs is really getting the Fatal Attraction treatment.  What I don’t understand is why he just doesn’t get all the guys together and vote her off already. Read More »

Reality television has created some interesting characters the last few years. And by “interesting” I mean “people I want to punch in the face.” Celebrities like Speidi and the Karadashian crew have infiltrated all corners of Hollywood and for what? Big booties and bushy beards? Embarrassing baby daddy’s and even more embarrassing “albums”?

Thanks but no thanks, reality TV.

We love to hate on these D-List losers (it’s my favorite pastime after day drinking and watching the shows that make them famous), but the reality of the reality TV situation is that there really are some hidden gems out there. Awesome characters whose careers have been tainted by their moronic, fame-seeking peers. These 6 reality stars have been overshadowed for far too long and I’ve had enough.

It’s time for some new reality stars.
You listening, Bravo? Read More »

Booooring.

The Bachelor’s been on so long that it’s starting to look more dated and more scripted than the always-classy Blind Date series of the ’90s. Dating shows in general have become boring and stale. Because, let’s be honest, no one wants to watch one more good-looking-average-Joe go on dates. No, we want to watch full-fledged A-list celebrities who spend more time in tabloids than in the movies and on stage find true love. And of course by true love we mean a relationship that lasts at least three months, tops.

So here’s our plan for the future of reality television. Would you watch? Wait, who are we kidding? Of course you’d watch. If “The Little Chocolatiers” can make it, so can these: Read More »

If last night’s episode of The Bachelorette taught me one thing it’s that mental health tests are not part of the screening process for the bachelors, because Kasey is crazy. Granted, the kid didn’t attempt suicide like those teasers led us to believe, but after seeing that hot mess on his wrist, I’m thinking it’s way worse.

But Kasey’s heart/shield/rose tattoo wasn’t the only thing provoking a “WTF!” from me. The entire two-hour episode had me on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I was all “awww” and the next I was all “ughhhh.” And there were a few moments where I was like “Whaaaa?” Oh, and one moment where I was like “Pause! I need a brownie.”

Let’s break it all down. Read More »

The casting call reads, “Holler if you’re blue collar!”

In a move that could only come from the minds behind Jersey Shore, TMZ is reporting that a new series featuring the best in beer bellies, jorts, and John Deere hats will be coming to a television near you.  You’ve heard me right; Party Down South (they need to work on that title) is looking for twelve lucky rednecks to wave the rebel flag and disgrace the South in all ways possible.

Jersey Shore brought us new, orange-tinted reality stars that left us asking why they were suddenly famous (not to mention the advent of poofs, fist pumps, hair gel, spray tans, and senseless nicknames).  Am I alone in wondering what this new crop of southern imports will bring to prime time television?  Excuse me while I allow my mind to drift to all the horrors about to beset “normal” society…

1.  Just how many racist jokes can one audience handle before these new stars’ trailer homes get torched? I know it’s going to happen, you know it’s going to happen.  Someone will bring a white hood and suddenly the guy who punched Snooki looks like a saint.  It’s a sad, pathetic fact, but if it’s rednecks these casting people want, it’s rednecks they’ll get. Read More »

After three glorious days of hopping from the beach to happy hour to the strobe of light of the dance floor, I finally returned last night to reality and reality TV.  What better way to cap off Memorial Day 2010 than with two hours of The Bachelorette?  I was scared I might not make it through the gridlock Jersey shore traffic in time for the show, but stopped to ask myself, “What would Chris Harrison do?”  In a sudden moment of clarity, I added a little height to my poof, hit the gas, and zoomed up the shoulder of the highway making it to my nearest relative’s home in record time.  (Please don’t think I’m joking when I say that because I didn’t have time to make it home to my own TV, I borrowed someone else’s.)

Now that we’re all through with episode two, let’s get down to business and rip this tragedy apart.  Ali wined and dined and made out with her remaining fellas on dates that would never occur in real life.  I believe it was Frank who confessed, somewhat surprised, that his trip to the Hollywood sign was the best date of his life.   Screaming at the TV, I wondered who asked this genius to be on the show in the first place.  Come on buddy, ABC isn’t going to send you to a bad Chinese restaurant and a sappy romantic comedy.  They go big and you go along for the ride, duh! Read More »