"I have to go. You're older than my dad."

Another week, another episode of The Bachelor.  As I said last week, Brad’s not my favorite guy.  Seriously, did he really bring his therapist on the show tonight to squeeze in a quick soul-searching sesh?  Oy!  But since I’m not drooling over him as I did some of the other previous Bachelor/ette participants (Andrew Firestone, Reid Rosenthal, Cape Cod Chris, etc.), I am paying closer attention to the show itself.  And guess what?  It’s scary!

Did you know that Brad’s 38?  The oldest woman recruited for the show is 32.  Miss Melissa, the waitress from Connecticut, is six years Brad’s junior and was denied a rose the second week. (Although, to be fair, I have a feeling it had less to do with her age and more to do with her Vienna horse face/the fact that she was CRAZY.)  Currently, the oldest two women are only 30 – Meghan and Scary Michelle.  The youngest members on Team Brad?  Three women are…wait for it…24.  Two years out of college and they’re competing for the love of a guy who’s almost 40.  Now I’m not age-ist and I’m not saying relationships built despite such large age gaps can’t work.  But (and this is a big “but”) I do feel as though now is an appropriate time to direct your attention to Article 113 of the Official Bro Code.

Sure, the rule was written by Barney Stinson, one of television’s most infamous lady players, but doesn’t that make even a stronger case for obeying the Code?  If even a skeeze like fictional Barney takes issue with dating women shockingly younger than himself, why does very-real, very-vindicated Brad 2.0 believe he can succeed with someone fourteen years younger?  For the record, if we’re following the “half Brad’s age plus seven” logic, then only nine of the remaining women are age-appropriate (and of those, most barely make it)!  If you don’t believe me, take a look yourself.

For a changed man who’s truly all about finding The One, it would seem like TV cameras, mass publicity, and the heightened reality of ultra-romantic dates would pose a big enough challenge on a budding relationship.  Toss in the fact that the majority of these women aren’t even part of his generation and wow!  What do Brad and his dates talk about?  How white their teeth are and how much they both love lying out by the pool?  Or maybe how Chris Harrison’s such a swell dude for setting them up with a private concert from Seal? (And don’t even get me started on Seal being a part of this show. Heidi, really? You let that happen?)

I have no idea.  But it’s unsettling nonetheless.

What do you think of last night’s Bachelor? Michelle’s craziness? The action movie date? Your heart meltiness for Emily? The fact that Lindsay is still around and we’ve never heard her talk? Sound off below!

Here’s the deal, people. I love reality TV as much as the next person. I die over the fake words and ridiculous sayings that The Situation or Rachel Zoe come up with every week and immediately go ba-nanas figuring out how I will incorporate said words into my daily vernacular.

But I also love quality TV. You know, something with a plot line. Something with some drama (and I’m not talking about The Situation putting a tampon under Angelina’s pillow type of drama, thankyouverymuch). Something with a hunky male lead who doesn’t rely on a daily routine of GTL to maintain his hunkiness. Actors with actual talent. I’m talking about a show with a certain actor whose daughter once wore a vial of blood around her neck.

I’m talking about Lone Star.

If you didn’t watch Lone Star last week, well, you aren’t alone. Apparently no one did. Except me. And the cast’s proud parents. But you should. And by that I mean you should watch tonight. Because if you don’t it will probably get cancelled. And I will cry, partly because I’m PMSing but mostly because the show is good. Apparently, though, sometimes good just isn’t good enough and everyone’s getting worried; even the creator has been pleading for a “stunning upset”!

So here is my plea. In a list.
5 reasons you should be watching this hot, new show:

1) DWTS = meh. I mean really, it’s the same schtick year after year, week after week. Len has his panties in a bunch, Bruno has some over the top moment where he is obsessed with a dancer, Carrie Ann Inaba cries over a dance that touches her at her very core. Snooze. Fest. The number of viewers they got last week makes me sad for America’s taste in TV.

2) Lead star in Lone Star James Wolk = a hottie with a body. Yeah I said it. I shouldn’t have to extrapolate here on why you should watch, but I will. Hot man. No shirt. Cute side smile. Enough said. I mean if you’re going to drool over The Situation on DWTS who is a total butterface, why not change the channel for a man who’s got the whole package?

3) This show holds promise. Every critic says it’s great. The pilot demonstrated promise; the characters and storyline just need a chance to build. Sorta like Mad Men, the once unknown AMC show. Or like that econ teacher who SUCKED ASS the first week and is now the best teacher you’ve ever encountered. Give it a chance. We are all so used to reality shows where crazy sh*t happens in the first 5 minutes of every show that we forget what its like to have a storyline build week after week.

4) Everyone loves an underdog. Remember Arrested Development? Family Guy? Cory and Topanga in our ’90s bracket? Shows that were cancelled and then brought back? Let’s do it again! (Minus that whole cancelled part.) Don’t you want to say you were a part of the “Stunning Upset” that helped bring back some quality programming to television?

5) Bristol and The Situation will eventually (read: soon) get the boot and then what are you going to watch? The old lady from Dirty Dancing? Yeah right.

Lone Star airs tonight on Fox (and hopefully every Monday night after) at 9/8 central.

"This is not going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet. In fact, it might be the most predeictable."

Monday’s Bachelor Pad finally proved that the popular girls will always win. And homely (relatively speaking, of course), single girls will always go home alone…in stretch limos….to their cats.

After 25 minutes of pacing and pretending that they weren’t going to choose the girls they’ve boned, the guys booted out the extra female stragglers and were forced to commit to one lady for the rest of the season.  There were no surprises.  The juiceheads and Kipytn guys held all the cards.  Gwen finally left.  Elizabeth called her out for being in her 40s (like we couldn’t guess).  I shed a tear because I think poor Gwen was the only normal person there.  You know, minus the copious amounts of plastic surgery and her bejeweled rose tee shirt and whatnot.

While I readily embrace the new dynamic of the game (what? I like watching 120 minutes of sloppy makeout sessions every Monday – it takes me back to my freshman frat party days), I do so with a skeptical eye.  Initially, I had Kiptyn pegged to win this whole thing, as did most people.  But now I’m not so sure.  With next week’s episode being the finale, I figured we should take a look at the odds each duo has for winning the $250k.

Kiptyn & Tenley
Pros: No one would ever have them pegged as the vicious, backstabbing kind.  In a future vote, should one occur, their word would be golden among the other competitors.  Should they decide to switch their votes at the last minute, no one would see it coming and it could seriously work to their advantage.

Additionally, if I recall correctly, Tenley used to be a Disney Princess (no joke) and danced in shows for little kids.  This could give her an edge with next week’s ballroom dancing challenge.

Cons: Tenley referring to them as “Kip-Ten” is the ultimate male ego deflator.  Also, Tenley thinking Dave and Natalie’s date was going to be on a spaceship doesn’t bode well for her IQ, should it be called upon.

Kovacs & Elizabeth
Before I discuss these two, can I just say that their exchanges in this episode were classic.  Let it be noted everywhere, Elizabeth does not want to simply get railed.  The woman would like a little romance, please.  It was called the Fantasy Suite, after all.  Okay, had to get that out.  Moving along.

Pros: They’re the most entertaining people left in the house.  You know watching them learn to dance is going to be Emmy-worthy.  Will they win?  Probably not.  Do I care?  Not really.

Cons: As Kovacs pointed out, dear Liz has a screw loose. She’s one fry short of a Happy Meal. She puts the “crazy” in “crazy girl with bad implants.” See where I’m going with this?

Dave & Natalie
Pros: They’re both kinda whorey.  If this were a blow job contest, Natalie would totally win.  But alas, it’s not, so…

Cons: Dave’s massive temper might trip him up when it comes time for the fancy footwork; Natalie is clearly more emotionally invested in this pairing than Dave….and has said so at least 97 times; She has horrible hair…can that be a con?  I think so.  And lastly, Dave’s bromance with Kovacs is going to end in disaster, you mark my words.

So this is it, you guys!  We’re down to the final sets of idiots who have kissed, puked, and cried their way to the top.  Next week Chris Harrison will be handing over a mighty hefty check to one of these (deserving?) couples.  Who do you think it’s going to be?

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Another week, another train wreck, am I right?

There were so many life lessons packed into last night’s Bachelor Pad.  For example, all breathing sounds like heavy breathing when you’ve got a 200 lb dude laying on top of you and your mic.  The shower is not a private place.  Pie is gross, but throwing up is not necessarily a turn-off….

While I appreciated these gems of wisdom, I felt like the episode served an even larger purpose for setting the pace for the rest of the season. More than anything we learned that, much like Fight Club, the Bachelor Pad has a few rules by which you must abide if you want to succeed at the game.

The first Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never shoot smoke up Gia’s butt.
Her words, and eloquent they are.  Wes, I do believe she was looking at you when this winner of a phrase made its BP premier.  For your sake, I hope you take heed.  But judging by the season previews, you whip out that damn guitar and recycle the song you wrote for Jillian.  They say love, it don’t come easy to smoke-shooting man whores.

The second Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never do anything Jesse B. doesn’t approve of.
Because one minute he’ll be all up on you next to a luxurious pool, and the next he won’t even be able to speak your name or form a coherent sentence.  It’s just…like, uh…he ummm…heard.  From someone.  That, uhhh…Natalie was being flirtatious with some of the other guys.  No sh*t, Jesse.  It’s a game where you’re basically seducing people to vote for your enemies.  We all saw what happened there.  Gia turned your head and you wanted an easy out from things with Nat.  Typical guy.

The third Rule of Bachelor Pad is to not hook up with Elizabeth.
She’s still crazy.  And lady gets attached.  Like claws in, hanging on for dear life attached.  Poor Kovacs is really getting the Fatal Attraction treatment.  What I don’t understand is why he just doesn’t get all the guys together and vote her off already.

The fourth Rule of Bachelor Pad is to keep all your organs.
Krisily couldn’t participate in the pie-eating contest because she has no gallbladder.  Seems like a legit excuse.  She didn’t ask for special treatment, just quietly bowed out of the challenge.  Well, let me tell you.  Did Chris Harrison care?  Please, he was ready to escort her to the limo and see her home.  Did David care?  He told the camera she needed to suck it up and eat the damn pie anyway.  Bottom line: there is no compassion on BP (unless you’re Tenley and cry over everything).

The fifth Rule of Bachelor Pad is that Gwen isn’t as dumb as she looks.
But Weatherman is.  I’m wondering if he thought he stood the greatest chance at a hook-up if he channeled his energy toward Gwen.  Or is he just blind to her age and plastic surgery?  Either way, Gwen may look dumb and desperate, but she does not want any of that.  And thank God!

You think these crazy kids are going to abide by the Rules of Bachelor Pad?  Who’s your favorite cast member so far?  Are you Team Outsiders or Team Insiders?  So much weighing in that needs to be done!  Sound off below.

Reality television has created some interesting characters the last few years. And by “interesting” I mean “people I want to punch in the face.” Celebrities like Speidi and the Karadashian crew have infiltrated all corners of Hollywood and for what? Big booties and bushy beards? Embarrassing baby daddy’s and even more embarrassing “albums”?

Thanks but no thanks, reality TV.

We love to hate on these D-List losers (it’s my favorite pastime after day drinking and watching the shows that make them famous), but the reality of the reality TV situation is that there really are some hidden gems out there. Awesome characters whose careers have been tainted by their moronic, fame-seeking peers. These 6 reality stars have been overshadowed for far too long and I’ve had enough.

It’s time for some new reality stars.
You listening, Bravo?

Vinny Guadagnino – Jersey Shore:
The youngest bro from everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure show is unbelievably underrated. We get it: it’s hard to be seen when The Situation is flashing his abs every time you get some camera time. Vinny needs his time to shine. And what better way than by following him around when he leaves The Shore behind and moves back in with Mama and Papa Guadagnino? We could watch him creep, smush girls in his childhood bedroom, then enjoy a breakfast spread (courtesy of mama G) with his lady friend as his mommy folds his laundry. Just sayin’, I would bet 100 Ed Hardy hats that Vinny’s his uncles are way better wingmen than Pauly, Ronnie and the Sitch anyway.

Brad Goreski – Rachel Zoe Project – and Randy – Say Yes to the Dress: What would happen if you combined Rachel Zoe’s hilariously fabulous Style Director and Kleinfelds’ over-the-top Fashion Director? Only the most fabulous makeover show to ever grace television. (Move over, Tim Gunn.) I have a girl-boner just thinking about it. Vera Wang, Pnina Tornai, Louis Vuitton, Marc Jacobs and Valentino… Celebrities picking out wedding dresses… Average mere mortals getting done up by my two favorite gay men on television. SO MANY COMBINATIONS OF FABULOUS.

Cookie – Bethenny Getting Married?: This Lhasa Apso mix runs the Frankel-Hoppy household. Her vote of confidence is what got Max hired. (And thank god for that, am I right?) Whatever she says, goes. And by “says” I mean “bites.” She’s the biggest bitch in town (giving Jill Zarin a run for her money) and we all know bitches make for great TV. How do you think The Real Housewives got 1,000 spin-offs?

Zoila Chavez – Flipping Out: Her “official” title is the Director of In-House Operations for Bravo’s most neurotic, OCD designer. Hysterical. The woman watches telenovas all afternoon, refuses to exercise and chases around misbehaved dogs, all while dishing out some major sass. For the last 10 years, Zoila has put up with Jeff Lewis and his antics, putting her own personal life on hold. It’s time she kick that diva to the curb (of his $2 million dollar house) and be ABC’s next Bachelorette. Ali’s got nothing on this spicy firecracker.

Nigel Barker – America’s Next Top Model: Nigel has been living in Tyra’s ego’s giant shadow since Cycle 2 of ANTM back in 2004. But why? If it weren’t for that hot hunk of heaven, I would have stopped watching that sh*tshow years ago. Give him his own show  – I’m thinking “Nigel Barker Takes Off His Shirt and Does Things” – and I’d set my DVR to record new episodes AND reruns weekly. (Mmmm Nigel Barker Takes Off His Shirt and Stares Into the Sun, Nigel Barker Takes of His Shirt and Watches Grass Grow, Nigel Barker Takes off His Shirt and Then Takes Off His Pants.)

Do I smell an Emmy up in here?

Booooring.

The Bachelor’s been on so long that it’s starting to look more dated and more scripted than the always-classy Blind Date series of the ’90s. Dating shows in general have become boring and stale. Because, let’s be honest, no one wants to watch one more good-looking-average-Joe go on dates. No, we want to watch full-fledged A-list celebrities who spend more time in tabloids than in the movies and on stage find true love. And of course by true love we mean a relationship that lasts at least three months, tops.

So here’s our plan for the future of reality television. Would you watch? Wait, who are we kidding? Of course you’d watch. If “The Little Chocolatiers” can make it, so can these:

How to Meet a Tabloid Hound in 10 Days

The OXYGEN network and ThxMom4MakingMeFamous productions are proud to present their newest reality show, How to Meet a Tabloid Hound in 10 Days, starring America’s Sweetheart circa 2005, Kate Hudson. Over the course of ten episodes Kate Hudson will date several A-list Hollywood bachelors as she attempts to find one who will ensure she’ll at least get the cover of Star 3 times a month. Each week she’ll narrow down the competition by handing each eligible tabloid hound one of her many rom-com DVDS. (“Will you watch my movie with me?”)But not for dramatic effect, more because no one bought them and the studio’s begging her to find a way to get rid of them.

Boob Jobs & Heart Jobs

This Fall on MTV2, Heidi Montag will search for love among the many unlicensed plastic surgeons of the Hollywood Hills on the soon-to-be-hated hit show Boob Jobs & Heart Jobs. She’ll go on several completely scripted dates with anyone who has access to a scalpel and silicone. And each week will be filled with tension when she eliminates people by handing them photos of herself-pre-plastic-surgery-palooza as well as a recording of her single “Body Language.” Harsh, Heidi!

What Would Jesus Do

Coming this September on TVLand is a new dating show so outrageous and so offensive that the FCC is already getting complaints. The original Lady Gaga, Madonna, will be searching for love on the show What Would Jesus Do. Throughout the season she’ll go on dates with various young models named Jesus. How will she decide who gets to stay and who gets to go? Well the first person to start crying/vomiting during the daily “Stare at my unnatural arms” competition will be asked to leave. The unlucky person will find out he’s a goner when he doesn’t receive a Botox shot during the elimination round.

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

This year Youtube and Twitter are coming together for an unprecedented dating show that will make you question the song “your body is a wonderland” for the rest of your life. John Mayer stars in Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, a completely original dating show where John Mayer effectively dates himself by dating various mirrors of all shapes, sizes, and colors. During the elimination round, he’ll hook-up with  the mirrors he wants to stay and then sell the details to whatever tabloid will pay him.

Kate No More Masturbate

Fueling more rumors that TLC has a pact with the Devil, they’ve unsurprisingly present yet another show featuring the completely unlikable mother of 8, Kate Gosselin.  Kate No More Masturbate will feature the “woe is me” single mother going on several dates with grown men who act like little boys. At the end of each episode she’ll gather them all on the interview chair and hand out her children to the men who advance to the next round. Pennsylvania’s child abuse council is already on high alert.

LiLo-Ve

Who says CBS is for grandparents!? This fall season,  they are proud to give America a show that will warm your hearts… by reminding you that it really was for the best that you weren’t a child star. Lindsay Lohan will star in a show titled LiLo-Ve that follows the soon-to-be-felon as she tries to date guys while fooling her ankle bracelet into thinking she’s sober.  At the end of each episode she’ll gather her rag-tag group of men, women, and dogs and give each contestant her a bag of sh*t  to light on fire on her dad’s doorstep. Didn’t receive the flaming poo bag? Looks like you’re going home. Please note that this show was taped in June so it’s premiering this fall whether the talent is dead or alive.

Can You Afford Child Support…

Get ready red states because FOX NEWS is entering the world of reality television. Famed teen mom Bristol Palin will date teenage men in a show called Can You Afford Child Support Because My Mother Only Pays Attention to Me When She Needs to Make a Point. Every week she’ll date various aspiring Playgirl models in an effort to see who has the best connection with her child. What’s her elimination strategy? She’ll hand every contestant that she wants to remain a pamphlet on abstinence taped to a box of condoms.

Justin Bieber Needs a Doctor

Discovery Health gets in on the teeny-bopper scene with their new show, Justin Bieber Needs a Doctor. No seriously the kid needs a doctor. Bieber Fever is officially an epidemic and the only conceivable cure is to find the kid a reputable doctor. Each week he’ll go out on a chaperoned date with various pediatricians who will present him with their scientific cures and/or home remedies for Bieber Fever. Each week he’ll eliminate one doctor by flicking his hair in the direction of those he wants to stay.

Troubles in Therapy

In an unheard of event, every major network will work together to bring you the show Troubles in Therapy, a dating show about Kristen Stewart‘s search for an anti-anti-depressant  that will make her look even more moody and disheveled than ever. She’s given full approval for the show as long as the networks don’t mind when she complains about how much she hates the show. What’s her elimination secret? She’ll hand all the lucky contestants a lock of her greasy hair.

Shirtless Love

Lifetime’s new teen girl network LifetimeLittleLadies brings you the show that’s sure to be a hit this season. Taylor Lautner stars in Shirtless Love,an innovative dating show where Taylor Lautner spends every single episode topless. The women will spend the majority of the episodes staring at his abs and actually attempting to wash clothes on them. At no point will his face be featured on camera. He’ll eliminate woman by bringing them into a private room and putting his shit on. Burn.

T.B.A

And EXTRA EXCLUSIVE, The TV Guide channel just bought exclusive rights to still unnamed Suri Cruise dating show debuting in 2011.  While the exact premise is still being developed, potential contestants are being assured that her height won’t be an issue. But is it ever an issue when you own 500 pairs of heels?

If last night’s episode of The Bachelorette taught me one thing it’s that mental health tests are not part of the screening process for the bachelors, because Kasey is crazy. Granted, the kid didn’t attempt suicide like those teasers led us to believe, but after seeing that hot mess on his wrist, I’m thinking it’s way worse.

But Kasey’s heart/shield/rose tattoo wasn’t the only thing provoking a “WTF!” from me. The entire two-hour episode had me on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I was all “awww” and the next I was all “ughhhh.” And there were a few moments where I was like “Whaaaa?” Oh, and one moment where I was like “Pause! I need a brownie.”

Let’s break it all down.

Awwwwwww

Kirk Tucks Ali In
A brilliant move on Kirk’s part to stand out above the other guys and eliminate any chance they had of talking to Ali, Kirk tells sick Ali she needs to get some rest. But maybe it wasn’t strategic at all, and even if it was, when he tucked her in and kissed her on the forehead it was so cute my heart hurt. I didn’t think homeboy had much to offer beyond hot makeout sessions in a hot tub, but he does. And I sat there, chowing down on Cheerios, wishing I was the sick girl with gorgeous extensions snuggling up next to him in bed.

Chris L’s Birthday Date
I don’t know what it is about Chris L. but he’s the only dude on this show that doesn’t seem like a total cheese dick. I think it has something to do with his love for beer pong. Anyways, he brought Ali flowers (awww) and soup (awwww) and talked about how much he loves his dad (awwwwwwwwwww). He doesn’t look like the greatest kisser on the planet (in fact it looks like he hasn’t done that in awhile), but whatever. At least he didn’t break out a guitar and sing to her.

Awwwwwkward

Kasey. All the time.
I don’t know where to start with this kid. Just seeing him on the screen makes me feel more uncomfortable than that time I ate an entire pizza while wearing Spanx (don’t ask).  He’s just so….creepy. Maybe I could start when he and Ali kicked off their date and he said “Smile, we’re going to New York,” but they were already in New York. Or when he grunted at the gorillas in the museum. Or when he wanted to have a special moment with Ali… so he busted out in song. TWICE.

“I just really like yooooou. So I got this ugly tattoooooooo. And I want to guide and protect your hearrrrrt. Lalalala I’m going to sniff your underwear when you’re not arounnnnd.”

I think that’s how it went, at least. I swear, Ali was so afraid of this loose cannon she was afraid to send him home. Why else would she not give him a rose but ask him to stay? It’s not like she’s going to get much more time with him to redeem himself. I’ll tell you why: because he has crazy eyes. Who knows what he would have done (put a gorilla head in her bed?!) if she sent him packing. I mean, look what the kid did when she let him stay! He got a TATTOO. ON HIS WRIST. With 11 stones on the shield for his “brothers.” To prove that he was there to guide and protect her heart (in case she didn’t know it after he mentioned it at least 27 times…)

And then he never even got to show it to her. Awk. ward.
And hilarious.

Lion King Auditions
The singing was bad. The dancing was bad. And all those close-ups on the guys’ junk while they were dancing in biker shorts? Unnecessary.

Roberto and Ali’s “date”
First of all, how do you think all those Broadway goers felt when they paid $150 a ticket and had to see The Bachelorette on stage? Probably about as comfortable as I felt watching Roberto in that barely-there costume. It’s amazing how easily a bodysuit can take a hottie like Roberto from sexy to “blerg.”

The Weatherman
I feel bad for this guy, I really do. It’s not easy for a little person like him to compete with the Kirk’s and Roberto’s and Chris L’s of the world. But is this guy mentally challenged, or what? Does he really think the way to really woo Ali is to bust out a guitar and sing to her? Like Ali was on the fence about him because she didn’t know if he could sing and write songs? This isn’t American Idol. Ali isn’t looking for a performing artist! Listen up, Weatherman, maybe Ali would have kept you around if you stopped referring to everything in weather terms. Or if you got up the nerve to kiss her instead of crying about it all the time. Looks like Tropical Storm Whiny Bitch came through and wiped out your chances. Better luck next time little guy.

In a move that could only come from the minds behind Jersey Shore, TMZ is reporting that a new series featuring the best in beer bellies, jorts, and John Deere hats will be coming to a television near you.  You’ve heard me right; Party Down South (they need to work on that title) is looking for twelve lucky rednecks to wave the rebel flag and disgrace the South in all ways possible.

Jersey Shore brought us new, orange-tinted reality stars that left us asking why they were suddenly famous (not to mention the advent of poofs, fist pumps, hair gel, spray tans, and senseless nicknames).  Am I alone in wondering what this new crop of southern imports will bring to prime time television?  Excuse me while I allow my mind to drift to all the horrors about to beset “normal” society…

1.  Just how many racist jokes can one audience handle before these new stars’ trailer homes get torched? I know it’s going to happen, you know it’s going to happen.  Someone will bring a white hood and suddenly the guy who punched Snooki looks like a saint.  It’s a sad, pathetic fact, but if it’s rednecks these casting people want, it’s rednecks they’ll get.

2.  Tractors, power tools, and So-Co. No, I’m not talking about Ty Pennington’s next season of Extreme Home Makeover.  I’m referring to all the fun this cast is going to have shacking up in the Deep South.  How long before someone loses an appendage while cow tipping or riding a 4-wheeler?

3.  Clean up on aisle ten, we’ve got a kegerator down. You know these shows always have set their participants up with jobs to add a little drama to the house.  Well, where do you find employment for a group of hayseeds?  Wal-Mart?  Home Depot?  God help anyone walking near the chainsaw display while Billy Bob’s on duty.

4.  Jersey Shore vs. Party Down South: The Uncivil War
Wait, no one else is feeling that spin off?  It’ll be just like the Real World/Road Rules Challenges.  Just think about it- races to see how quickly you can spray-tan your illegitimate children, fried chicken vs. chicken parm cook-offs, bedazzle your cow contests.  Maybe Party Down South isn’t such a bad idea after all…

After three glorious days of hopping from the beach to happy hour to the strobe of light of the dance floor, I finally returned last night to reality and reality TV.  What better way to cap off Memorial Day 2010 than with two hours of The Bachelorette?  I was scared I might not make it through the gridlock Jersey shore traffic in time for the show, but stopped to ask myself, “What would Chris Harrison do?”  In a sudden moment of clarity, I added a little height to my poof, hit the gas, and zoomed up the shoulder of the highway making it to my nearest relative’s home in record time.  (Please don’t think I’m joking when I say that because I didn’t have time to make it home to my own TV, I borrowed someone else’s.)

Now that we’re all through with episode two, let’s get down to business and rip this tragedy apart.  Ali wined and dined and made out with her remaining fellas on dates that would never occur in real life.  I believe it was Frank who confessed, somewhat surprised, that his trip to the Hollywood sign was the best date of his life.   Screaming at the TV, I wondered who asked this genius to be on the show in the first place.  Come on buddy, ABC isn’t going to send you to a bad Chinese restaurant and a sappy romantic comedy.  They go big and you go along for the ride, duh!

This week’s group date was a “Sexy Guy Calendar” photo shoot that left me cringing instead of swooning.  I would like to shake my finger in the face of whoever selected the participants for these dates.  They left all the sexiest guys on the sidelines for a photo shoot that was practically named in their honor.  While no one exactly rocked the beach bum look, Jonathan/Weatherman freaked out over wearing a Speedo, almost refusing to put it on at all.  (Perhaps, I wonder, because he has a…little…problem?)

We also saw that that’s not all Weatherman found fault with as he feuded with Craig M./the guy who kinda looks like McDreamy if you squint.  Can I get a weigh in on this?  Who’s the bigger jerk in the situation?  And more importantly, did everyone catch the part when Weatherman let slip that he has a brown belt in karate?  That must be why Ali gave him a rose in the end, because I swear to God I have no idea what else she could have found appealing about him.

One of my pre-season favorites, Jesse, went on the one-on-one Vegas date and – damn – does that man clean up.  The sexy black tie, monogrammed cufflinks, and cherry red Ferrari encouraged me to overlook his frat-tastic tribal tattoo.  I was jumping for joy when he was offered a rose because now we know Ali has at least one solid guy going into round three next week.

Can anyone guess who I missed seeing the most in tonight’s episode?  If you guessed the Snuggle Bear aka Hunter, you’d be correct.  He must have been doing everyone’s laundry in the background because he was nowhere to be seen.  In a miraculous Bachelorette moment, however, Ali called his name during the rose ceremony and invited him to stay on for another week.  I can only assume it’s because she wants to get to know him more intimately before asking if he gets free fabric softener.

My opinion for this season’s front-runners: Jesse, Chris L., Ty, and Roberto (I can’t really read his personality, but Ali literally melts around this guy).

Why the hell didn’t he get a rose? Precious Chris H.!  Come on!  He was really, really, ridiculously good looking!

What were your thoughts for this week’s keepers?  Who would you have liked to see kicked off?  Is there any hope for Ali picking a decent guy?  Why did the Weatherman get a rose?  Sound off in the comments below.