Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve recently hit the 1-year mark in my relationship and everything is going great.  Except for one key thing – the sex.  It seems everytime I try to initiate anything with the boy I get shot down.  It used to be nearly daily, even when I first started school and now its fizzled down, and he wont give me a direct answer why.  I’ve tried talking to him and thats doing as well as it would were I talking to a brick wall.  Granted he did recently find a job after being unemployed for several months, but it’s not exactly a stressful one, and it’s only a few times a week. I’m there through everything he goes through and the rare times he DOES want to initiate something, of course I’m down – I just want to know why he shoots me down when I’m the initiator.

Sincerely,
Am I still wanted?

Dear Am I still wanted?,

I mean, yeah, probably.

Sex is like a wave, see? Or the wind. Or like–

Okay, what I’m trying to say is, sex drives ebb and flow. You dig? So, sometimes, as a couple, you may have sex every day, and sometimes you guys may only have sex once a week. It’s not a big deal.

And these things are especially sensitive to changes in lifestyle. Even though your BF may not be totally stressed out, he’s still having to shift his focus to something new. He may just be a little worn out. Try not to take it personally.

What IS a big deal, however, is that he isn’t being accommodating.

It’s like, okay, once you enter into an adult relationship and the agreement is you’re having sex and everyone’s happy, that’s a set rule. When one person suddenly doesn’t want to have sex, they actually DO owe the other person an explanation.

So he better start talking.

Also, kiddo, it’s pretty messed up of him to assume he’s the only one who decides when you have sex. It’s cruel to constantly shoot down a sexual partner. As you now know, it really floops up a person’s self-esteem.

So, although I don’t think there’s anything seriously wrong in the way he’s feeling about you, I DO think there’s a discussion that needs to be had. Sit that fool down and tell him he’s hurting your feelings. Explain that you totally get he’s stressed out and you’re happy to accommodate him, but that he needs to let you know how he’s feeling so you don’t take it personally.

And he also should really give you SOMETHING even if he doesn’t feel like going all the way. For instance, if he’s too tired for sex but you’re all revved up, he could offer to do an easier sexual favor for you.

Have this talk and keep it light. Don’t attack him and you’ll get a better, more honest response.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

In the economics of relationships, things seem relatively simple. You invest parts of you in hopes of getting something in return, be it love, affection, respect or in some cases of a Tiffany’s princess cut. The same applies to the economics of sex. When things are getting down and dirty you’re hoping at the end of all of it, you aren’t left down and out. Returning the favor is simple economics – what you get should equal (if not, surpass) what you put in.

At the risk of sounding anti-feminist, returning the favor (while it is not always something a girl looks forward to…especially after a guy’s had 10 vodka Red Bulls) is only fair. Strictly speaking in terms of giving and receiving, reciprocation makes sense because it balances the scale. Returning the favor is not necessary, but it is considerate. The guy just worked his tongue off to rock your world, after all, it’s only fair you do the same.

But, and there’s always a but, every rule carries with it a list of exceptions. Here are just a few of mine:

1. If you’ve already told him in advance that you’re not interested in going south on him –If you warned your man in advance and firmly stated your lack of interest in returning the favor and he still takes the time to focus solely on your pleasure, then by all means, lay back and enjoy.

2. If you’re not that into him – If you’re not feeling the heat while in the midst of messing around with a guy, what’s the point in causing jaw/neck pain taking the time to prolong the deed? If you’d rather make out with your gay best friend than the guy in front of you, there’s no shame in skipping out.

3. If you’re not ready – Like anything regarding sex, I would never promote the notion of returning the favor to a girl who wasn’t ready. If the time comes for reciprocation and something is missing or off, the potential regret is never worth pushing aside your own integrity.

I think that sometimes as girls we have a tendency to assume all boys are lecherous hornballs who’ll take whatever they can get in the sack, even if that means putting a girl’s pleasure before their own. But when it comes down to it, I’m willing to bet there are as many guys who don’t like going down on girls as there are girls who don’t like going down on guys. A lot of girls think they’re doing their guys a favor by letting them get to third base, like in some way it satisfies their stereotypical sexual appetite, but it’s not always better to give than to receive. Especially when what they can receive is as wonderful/earth shattering/mind blowing/thank-god-I-didn’t-have-to-do-this-myself as an orgasm.

Though the science of returning the favor is a game of expectations and pressure, at the very base of it, when you like the guy, returning the favor is considerate. I believe that if you expect the guy to focus on you, you should take the time to focus on him (and vice versa for guys).

There’s always going to be girls who swear up and down that their guy “absolutely loves giving even if they don’t receive” and while I don’t doubt that those men exist, I refuse to believe they in the majority. And if you’re one of the lucky ladies who have scored those elusive men, give yourself a nice pat on the back (then lay back and enjoy yourself) because you’ve just made every girl jealous.

But unless your genitals are made out of chocolate there’s no excuse to ignore the notion that pleasure is a two-way street. That goes for you too, guys!

If you truly enjoy getting it on with your partner, when it comes to returning the favor, there’s not much to think about because you should want to turn each other on. Though reciprocity carries some important exceptions, it’s a great way to show each other you care about the other’s pleasure level and really, if you’re both getting some, what’s the downside to heightened levels of pleasure in the sack?

Want to see what he said? Check out the male response at COEDmagazine.com

We’ve always heard that it is far better to give than to receive, but does that hold up in the bedroom? Is it really better to give a little lovin’ than to get it!?

Sure, I like the power I have over a man when I venture south for the evening and the knowledge that I made him very (verrry) happy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t expect a little somethin’ somethin’ in return. Is it really fair to take (and, in some cases, demand in the form of pushing) and never to reciprocate? And why do so many damn guys do that?

Man up, dudes!

Let’s see what my boy friend (notice the space there, ladies) had to say.

[Wanna ask Tuffy Luv a question? Shoot her an email at tuffy@collegecandy.com and get an answer. Tuffy Luv is posted every other Tuesday. So emmmmaiiiiillllll!]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m dating this guy who is really great in (almost) every way. He’s cute, my friends all like him, and he’s a lot of fun to hang out with.

The only thing is, we’ve been going out for almost six months now and he’s never gone down on me. I’ve gone down on him at least ten times. I asked him what the deal is and he said he “doesn’t like the smell,” not of me, but of all girls.

What do you think?

Deprived Of Oral

Dear Deprived,

I think the boy better suck it up and be a man, that’s what I think.

I mean, look, Girl – it’s one thing if neither of you wants oral. And it’s another if neither one of you are doing it. But if one of you is only giving and the other is only receiving–well, it’s time to have a talk.

Is he not aware that his junk don’t smell so great either? Look, we’re all human beings–we can’t help but smell a little. But that shouldn’t stop us from sexually fulfilling our partners, especially in such a standard kind of way.

Or, if he’d like, he can forgo oral as well and then you’ll be even. But somehow I doubt he’ll do that. You know why? Because it feels flipping fantastic, and he’s being a greedy little b*tch.

To ease the baby into it, perhaps you could try the conventional methods of smelling better down there. For instance, wash immediately before he’s going to do the deed. Let him pick out a fragrance he enjoys. Hell, pick out a flavored lube together if that does the trick. Ask him what would make him comfortable and then do it. Because, honestly, honey, no one should have to go without oral sex if she wants it. Especially if she’s doling it out herself.

(And remember–always use protection!!! You can get STDs from oral sex, don’t fool yourself!)

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[Image courtesy of images.askmen.com]