So, in an attempt to avoid an ulcer or an unfortunate road rage incident, I vent to you, dear reader. Please feel free to join in and comment about anything–really, anything–that pissed. you. off. this week. Let it all hang out. I feel you.]

Long Lost Friends: You know the best friend who truly defined the term BFF for you? Well you can scribble out that last F now that you two have drifted apart. You never thought you’d see the day when it had been 2 years since your last sleepover/margarita marathon/ trip to Forever 21 together, but that day has sadly arrived.

You catch yourself reminiscing over long forgotten Facebook albums; some of the pictures are even—gasp—detagged! You find yourself determined to reunite and catch up, what with you both returning home from different schools on Spring Break. What a coincidence, you’re not going to Mexico, and she won’t be joining the Senor Frog with all of her schoolmates. With nothing else to do in the boring suburbs, you assume that you two will def hang out (mostly because you texted her “we will def hang out”). But sure enough, you and homegirl don’t get together. You don’t even hang out. Not even a Starbucks run together…and the worst part is? She lives a block away from you.

Overdraft “Protection” Fees: A complete misnomer, if you ask me, because the overdraft fees I encounter almost every month on my bank statement in no way protecting me from the additional $35 tacked onto the overdraft charges. Is this my fault? Entirely. Should I re-evaluate my maturity level to decide if I’m responsible enough to operate a simple checking account? Most likely. But paying an extra $45 for a Redbull that should have cost me 4 bucks is beyond painful when I can barely afford to fill my tank (and Good Morning America has not found a way to solve this issue in any of their Recessionista segments as of yet). So yes, I reserve the right to get angry at someone else for my irresponsibility, and I most definitely reserve the right to blame the manager of Circle K who feels the need to process transactions two weeks after they take place…Those text message account balances can only get me so far.

Spring Break Homework: Let me just say that papers due the first class after Spring Break put the ass in assignment. I was fully looking forward to a week of doing absolutely nothing academic until the last class before Spring Break, when my T.A. thought a surprise 10 page paper was the perfect way to wish us Bon Voyage! So instead of vegging by my parents’ pool with nothing to worry about besides what Rooney song will play next on shuffle, the shadow of a term paper is blocking my tanning light. Thank you, T.A.-with-something-to-prove, for ensuring that I have to battle the glare of sunlight to read my computer screen. I blame you, and only you, for the fact that I have to pass on the maragaritas being passed around, because if there’s one thing that doesn’t mix well with tequila (besides vodka), it’s post 1800 American Literature.

Watchmen: I never read the graphic novel, so perhaps some of the epic effect of the movie was lost on me. Nonetheless, I was very excited to check out the latest superhero flick last weekend, mostly because I am a Sci-fi addict. All I can say is that I want my $12.50 back because the movie was pretty much a waste of 2 hours and 41 minutes of my life. The snippets of backstory confused the sh** out of me, I didn’t understand what that thing on Mars was (or when Dr. M had time to build it), and how that cool tiger/antelope creature came into play in Antarctica. The blood and guts were great, but still didn’t provide enough action that I expect from men in tights kicking the living crap out of each other. The Nixon role looked more like a caricature and Malin Akerman’s greatest contribution to the team was a rubber one-piece and smoky eyes. The silver lining? My Chemical Romance’s Desolation Row, but it was all pretty much downhill from there. Fanboys and Girls, your rebuttal?

7 a.m.: Wake up. Still drunk from the bar last night? Mayyyybe.

9 a.m.: Arrive at the football stadium; crack your first beer.

9 a.m.-Noon: Tailgate your face off. Tailgating activities may or may not include: Beer pong, funneling, shotgunning, and general raging.

Noon: Kickoff. You’re highly buzzed, but still careful not to spill your overpriced stadium beer as you shake your foam finger at the other team.

7 p.m.: You pass out. Hey, it was a long day, man.

Now that’s what I call a waste of a Saturday night. I know that rallying for almost 12 hours straight can take its toll. Especially when you’re running on a few hours of sleep after a killer Friday night. But if you pace yourself, and plan your evening effectively, there’s no reason that you can’t take in both the football game and a killer kegger (or two).

1. Don’t Chug, Chill.

Get too drunk too quickly, and you’re likely to pass out before halftime, let alone make it till midnight. Tailgating festivities often require heavy drinking, so if you find yourself partaking in a shotgun contest, follow the beer with a water. Spreading out your alcohol intake will allow you to last longer. Afterall, following a tailgate with a party is like a party marathon. And don’t they tell marathon runners to pace themselves so they can make it to the finish line? Oh, the things college kids could learn from athletes.

2. Counteract with Caffeine.

Pound a Redbull on the way to the game, or start your bar night with a vodka and Redbull. Still chilly in your student section hoodie? Bring a thermos of coffee to the tailgate…then spike it with Bailey’s. Yum! Even if you’re really tired, however, monitor your caffeine intake. One or two cups of coffee or one energy drink should get you through the day.

3. Keep the Adrenaline Pumping.

If the excitement level declines, you’re energy is bound to follow suit. Your adrenaline is rushing as you cheer on your football team, and then you lose momentum in the downtime between the game and the party. Arrange a rowdy post-game dinner of wings and pizza with your fellow tailgaters, so you can recount all the great plays. It’ll keep you pumped, and you won’t even realize how much time has passed between your first beer and your last shot. Then, when you get to the party, keep yourself going by chatting up a hottie or signing up to be on the first beer pong team.

4. Steam Up Your Second Wind.

You’ve been up for hours, hanging out in the cold (and possibly rainy) weather. Beer is seeping out your pours. Take a long, hot, steamy shower. The hot water will wake you up and make you feel clean and ready to go again. Besides, staying fresh and clean might also help stave off the germs that’ll take their toll in flu form come Monday. AND you can always chug a beer in between shampooing and conditioning.

5. Powernap…Before it’s Too Late.

Positive you’re not going to make it? Throw in the towel early, and salvage the rest of your night. Taking a nap at 5 or 6 leaves plenty of time to sober up, recharge, and get ready to rage. If you keep drinking and try to make it to the post-party kickoff, you might crash at 9 or 10, only to sleep through the night and kick yourself in the a.m.

But after reading Wired.com’s rundown of just what exactly goes into making this stuff, I will definitely not be mixing Redbull with Jaeger again any time soon.

Chock full of ingredients with names I can barely pronounce, here’s what you’re digesting till 4am:

Glucose

Taurine (“was originally isolated from bull bile in 1827″)

Glucuronolactone (no one knows what the hell this is, and try saying that 3 times fast)

Caffeine

Niacin (niacinamide)

Sodium citrate

and my personal fave,

Inositol – “a carbohydrate found in animal muscle (sometimes called “meat sugar“), inositol is turning out to be a wonder drug that significantly reduces depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and obsessive – compulsive disorder. It might even be what makes whole grains effective cancer fighters.”

Meat sugar! Yummy! I don’t care what Inositol does. Wonder drug or not, the fact I’ve chugged something called “meat sugar” alone is enough to give me panic attacks and anxiety, so that cancels its benefits out right there. Thanks, but I’m all set. No meat sugar for me.

Judge for yourself. I’m going straight-up energy-drink free, pro Vitamin C from now on.

Although, I don’t think this would be half as cool using juice.

• Too bad NBC, Paris’ first interview is going to the King… Larry King. (TMZ)

• The Arctic Monkeys’ fans mosh in worlds largest mudpit. (dailymail)

• Most-expensive-comedy-ever bombs big at box-office. (deadlinehollywooddaily)

• Fergie fears her hamper wants to kill her. Meth is whack! (msn)

• The Tijuana Diet – Redbull and Diet pills. It will make you run faster. (woai)

There is one show, however, that I will watch anytime, anywhere. One show that, whenever anyone switches it on at the gym, temps me to burst out laughing in front of rows and rows of sweating, ill-humored people. What show is it?

Rob and Big. The strange, hysterical, heartwarming “odd couple” of reality TV. Rob Dyrdek is a professional skateboarder who’s made a killing working with companies like DC Shoes and Red Bull. Big Black (known to his family as Christopher Boykin) is his 6’6, 375 pound bodyguard. Big doesn’t really act like a bodyguard, and Rob doesn’t really ever work, but the activities they do participate in are hilarious. The first episode of the second season has the two buying a “mini horse” for their lonely bulldog, and then hauling the thing back to Hollywood in the back of their car.

If that sort of thing doesn’t make you laugh, check your pulse. You might be dead.

Rob and Big is on all the time on the repeat hungry channel, but new episodes air Tuesdays at 10:30 PM ET/ST.