Happy Mother’s Day!

Well, most likely not to you, but to that fabulous woman who pushed your giant head out of their little birth canal raised you, taught you, loves you and continues to support dollar pitcher nights you. She’s pretty fantastic, right? Of course she is, and that’s why she deserves those flowers/breakfast in bed/coupon for a “day free of doing the dishes” because you’re too broke to actually buy her something.

But she’s not the only awesome mom out there. (Duh, have you met mine?) We’ve been exposed to lots of really rockin’ moms in our lifetimes, and CollegeCandy is going to count down the bombest 7.

In no particular order, the 7 moms we’d want as our own (if, you know, we didn’t already have some pretty rocktastic mamas):

Heidi Klum

Not only is she an awesome hands-on mom, but she’s an awesome hands-on mom and does it all. Including walking in ridiculously tall, obscenely gorgeous heels. She produces a TV show, she designs jewelry, she looks smokin’ hot both pregnant and not pregnant (even though we haven’t seen much of the “not pregnant” in the past few years) and despite pumping out a whole litter of children, she still looks way better in a bikini than my never-been-preggers body ever will.

Stiffler’s Mom

OK, so I don’t want her as my mom (ew), but I do wanna be her one day.

Mrs. Nefler

This Beverly Hills diva was dealing with a terrible divorce and still found the time and energy to give up her life of luxury and be her daughter’s Girl Scout troop leader. I know I was praying for her to be my mom when she took the girls to camp out in a hotel, beat those evil Blue Feathers at their own stupid game, and invented that genius camping backpack that doubles as a clothing rack!

Gwen Stefani

Much like Heidi, Gwen is one hot mom. She pretty much reinvented the whole idea of “mom style” (no unflattering butt pockets on this woman’s jeans) and proves that you really can do it all. Plus, have you seen her kids? They’re both well under 5 and way cooler and hotter than I’ll ever be.

Lorelai Gilmore

Come on, did anyone watch Gilmore Girls and not want Lorelai as their own mom? She was so cute and quirky and cool. And she always had hot boyfriends. (OK, so maybe that’s not really a “cool mom” factor, but it’s still true. Girlfriend had it going. on.) Plus, she and Rory had the best relationship (and witty banter!) ever, something every teenage girl wants for her very own.

Mrs. George

Mrs. George: [serving the Plastics fruit drinks] Hey, you guys! Happy hour is from four to six!
Cady: Um, is there alcohol in this?
Mrs. George: Oh, God, honey, no! What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you’re going to drink I’d rather you do it in the house.

Nancy Botwin

Like most moms, Nancy would do anything for her family. Unlike most moms, Nancy’s “anything” includes selling a whole lot of pot. God, I bet those family dinners are awesome.

You know those times when that little monster inside of you just wants to lash out? Well, here are some bold (and bitchy counterpart) responses to ease the inner bitch while still putting someone in their place.

You go girl.

Someone Cuts You in Line
Bitchy: Get the f out of my way, you line cutting ho.
Bold: Excuse me? I believe I was here first, but feel free to get in line behind me.

Someone Macks on Your Man
Bitchy: Back off before I go Jerry Springer on you. HE’S MY MAN.
Bold: I appreciate the compliment of you admiring my man, but he is taken…. by me. (Smiley aggressively)

Someone Tries to Steal Your Idea at Work
Bitchy: Isn’t it funny how that idea wasn’t yours at all, but my idea? I think our boss will also think it’s funny. When I tell him. RIGHT NOW, bitch.
Bold: I find it interesting that your “idea” was so similar to my input and original thought. I guess, in the future, I won’t collaborate with you at all.

Someone Insults Your Outfit:
Bitchy: I was actually going to tell you that I saw your outfit on Hollywood Boulevard on one of the regulars. Men seem to really like her.
Bold: Sometimes it is hard being an individual and actually thinking for myself in terms of fashion. Some praise me for it. Some don’t, obviously.

Be a classy lady, dip your insults in sugar, smile, and relish in the thought of all the good Karma you’ll receive for keeping your cool rather than bitching it out. Because, really, no one wants to look like a Real Housewife of Atlanta, right?

While there are the inevitable “mean girls” in your life, I can’t help but wonder: did these girls exist before shows like Gossip Girl, 90210 or the movie Mean Girls?

Maybe.

Do I think these caddy, petty, deceptive females existed before Hollywood decided to bank on this character flaw? Yes. Do I think they were as idolized, accepted and vicious? No.

I do believe Hollywood has aided in the level of meanness that some females like to inflict on others. Would a bunch of girls from a neighboring high school have vandalized a girl from my high school’s house before vixen Valerie from 90210 inflicted evil on Kelly and Donna? Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

I feel, as with many aspects of the media, we’re affected by the actions of those we watch, idolize, despise and just plain want to be, on television and in the movies. We are influenced by the size-0 demographic in this country; don’t tell me you haven’t looked at a celebrity on television and wanted to look like her. So, what is any different from wanting to act like her?

I think we definitely have become meaner from the shows we see on television, just like we strive to be thinner and wear designer clothes like the actresses we see on television. While the latter is not a better alternative, we need to remember to be individuals. We must remind ourselves that TV and movies are not real and that actors and actresses do not face the realistic repercussions of writing a Burn Book, or keying someone’s car when they steal our boyfriend, i.e., losing your friends.

Have you become a Mean Girl? Have you been affected by a Mean Girl?