Dear Lindsay,

Word on the street is that they’re trying to make you go to rehab and you say no, no, no. While Amy Winehouse turned that jam into a monster hit, do you really want it to be the theme song to your E! True Hollywood Story? I have to be brutally honest with you, Linds; you’re not looking good. We all see that damaged, over-processed hair and all that chain smoking as if your life depends on it.

Remember when you used to look like this? Now, you’ll be lucky if you don’t crack that orange, leathery face of yours.

And here’s an FYI: just because pills are “prescribed” doesn’t mean you can down them like Tic-Tacs. Have we learned nothing from the loss of Heath Ledger last year? Granted Heath was a sexier blond than you will ever strive to be, you don’t have to drown your sorrows in a water bottle filled with vodka. Yes, we’ve caught on to you.

So what’s next for you, LiLo? We are all waiting with bated breath. Do you honestly want to say you hit your peak as a Mean Girl? That your last stab at acting not only didn’t make it to theaters, but went straight to ABC Family!?

Can’t you see that you’ve hit rock bottom? I thought it was blatantly obvious when you accepted the role in I Know Who Killed Me. Perhaps you were trying to relive the twin glory that you received from The Parent Trap, but playing the part of a strip club amputee and her equally mutilated twin sister was not your finest hour. And from I’ve seen of your pole-dancing skills, I’d urge you not to quit your day job. Oh wait – you’ve already done that.

Your father has told us that you’re not acting right now because you can’t. “Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that’s grown because of the prescription drugs.” Yeah, that’s right. You heard the man. He’s telling the world you’ve got fungus. Herpes we expected, but fungus?  Are you going to let him get away with that or are you gonna put down the pills, dust off those leggings and show the world what you’ve got?

I won’t lie to you Lindsay; sometimes I too see the beauty in dying young like Marilyn Monroe. Who doesn’t want to be glamorous, even in death? But I think you’re taking it a little too far. If you won’t go back to rehab for me, and you won’t do it for your dad, at least do it for Samantha.

She would be lost and fame-less without you.

Thanks, bitch.

Sincerely,
Brittany
(On behalf of all of the Mean Girls fans out there.)

There are a lot of celebrities out there that simply disappear, whether it be voluntarily or due to lack of talent/rehab/Bermuda triangle.  There are a couple that have massive amounts of issues, yet refuse to disappear.  In fact, they seem to pop up everywhere, strutting around uninvited on every red carpet.  People like Bai Ling and Paris Hilton are prime examples.

More recently, we have Mischa Barton.  I gotta admit, I really do enjoy watching a mediocre TV actress fall from grace (and she fell hard!).  Oh, speaking of mediocre actresses, I think I heard the other day that Tara Reid has teamed up with the douchebag powerhouse that is Christian Audigier to design some piece of crap that I’ll certainly see all around campus.  Yay.

In light of that wonderful piece of news, I think it’s time to pair up a couple of the most washed up faces in Hollywood:  Mischa Barton and Tara Reid.

Acting
Mischa Barton was never a steller actress, let’s not lie.  She peaked in The Sixth Sense as the creepy ghost girl who barfed a lot.  The OC was a shambles, especially when she became a drug addict or whatever and then died randomly in the third season.  Has anyone seen Mischa in anything since then?  Not unless you caught one of her straight-to-DVD releases.  Yeesh.

Tara Reid is not a great actress by any means.  I did enjoy her run in American Pie (1 and 2) and the episodes of Scrubs that she appeared in were hilarious.  However, whenever I watch her in anything else, all that comes to mind is the word “sticky.”  She just looks sticky and sweaty and drunk at all times…probably because she’s always at least one of those things (I’m voting for drunk).  See: Taradise.

Point: Mischa Barton. In the realm of acting, Mischa Barton is a fail.  At least Tara Reid’s slew of vapid, slutty characters are entertaining.

Fashion
Mischa Barton wears some pretty awesome stuff.  I’ve actually opened up the style section of a magazine and seen her there (the good part of the style section, not the losers section).  She takes chances and it pays off.  Not always, though…we’ve had some pretty awful situations involving vintage items, mini dresses and feathers.  Her foray into headbands has also gotten pretty interesting…

Tara Reid has no style.  Her “style,” as it were, consists of crop tops, glittery things, and denim mini skirts.  I certainly won’t be forgetting the exposed boob incident for a while.  She also seems to be anti-bra, even after her boob job.

Point: Tara Reid. It’s no contest, really.

(Un)classiness
Mischa Barton has been pretty unclassy lately, what with her boozin’ and partyin’.  At least she checked into rehab (finally!) after one too many shots of her looking like a certifiably crazy person with a really puffy face.  Oh, and let’s not forget her 2007 arrest for drunk driving (without a license).  Classy, girl.

Tara Reid just oozes class skankiness.  That girl is an a bikini 90% of the time, swigging something from a bottle (but not eating…never eating).  She’s done her time in rehab, but her reputation as a boozehound isn’t leaving her anytime soon.  See again: Taradise.

Point: Tara Reid. Not classy.  Anti-classy.

Love Life
Mischa Barton dates musicians.  Seriously – if you’re in an indie rock band and are based somewhere in the UK, you probably have a pretty good chance of getting with Mischa Barton (lucky you).  That is, when she gets out of rehab.

Tara Reid has dated every football player ever (only a slight exaggeration) and a generous sprinkling of other men have decorated her arm over the years.  I guess guys really do go for those party-girl types.  I’m gonna go get my drink on and test this theory out…

Point: Tara Reid. Maybe if she worked more and spent less time romping around random beaches she’d be less of a whore.  Maybe.

Gossip Presence
Mischa Barton has been huge in the gossip columns lately: is she suicidal? Will she still have a role on the new CW show after her stint in rehab?  Where is she getting all of these headbands?  Very important stuff.

Tara Reid really isn’t doing much of anything and it shows:  she isn’t in any gossip column.  When she does appear, it’s mostly following comments that are surprised to find she still exists (but not at all surprised that she’s sloppy and drunk and…sticky).

Point: Mischa Barton. She is definitely being talked about, what with this whole rehab/new TV show thing going on.  Tara…only wishes she had something newsworthy about her.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Tara Reid. Just bow out peacefully and go seclude yourself on some beach so you don’t accidentally brush up against anyone and rub off your fake tan/greasiness.

My aunt has been addicted to cheap pink wine fore 13 years. When I was a teenager I remember finding a giant bottle tucked away in the fridge near her bathroom. She used to say, “I just like having a glass before bed…it helps me sleep.” But even then I knew there was more to it than that.

This woman I knew as energetic, happy and fun transformed into a mean, foul being who constantly played the blame-game when she explained why she drank. “Your mother and uncle have always been awful to me…they made me this way.” I never loved my husband…he made me this way.”

Listening to her go on and on was not only angering, but utterly draining. I’d leave her house after a visit and feel exhausted by the toxic energy she spewed at me. It was in that last moment, when I pulled out of her driveway, that I decided I’d never set foot in her house again. 

It’s been four years. And when I received an intoxicated and seemingly heartfelt voicemail from her on Thursday, wishing me a happy birthday, I decided I needed to see her. I knew she would be a mess, my mother and grandmother constantly report her unimproved status on a daily basis. But I wanted to experience her myself. I wanted to see how much worse she’d become, as crazy as that sounds.

I walked in her backdoor with my mom (there was no way in hell I’d go alone) and saw her: hair, a mix of gray and red; face, makeup smeared and layered; body, almost emaciated. She was sweet at first. Her body shaky and weak. But when my uncle came home or my cousin entered the room, she’d shout, “I hate you!” and “You’re worthless.”

It was shocking to see what they were living with. That day she’d thrown my uncle’s laptop computer out the window and destroyed it, just because he wouldn’t pick up wine for her. He called the cops; she got arrested and sat in jail for 4 hours. Of course this was all she talked about. A circling of phrases that sometimes inquired about how I was doing, how my boyfriend was and then back to “Can you BELIEVE I was in JAIL for FOUR hours today!!!!!?????”

Speaking with someone in this state of mind is incredibly unbearable. And seeing how much her addiction has ruined her and her family was almost movie-like. It was so bad it didn’t seem real.

It got me to thinking about how people deal with problems. She has been suppressing years and years of emotional pain and thoughts with alcohol instead of dealing with them head on. She has been missing out on her life because she’s been too afraid to deal with and communicate her concerns, her worries, her dreams.

Life isn’t easy. But it’s overcoming challenges, not hiding from them, that makes us healthy and strong. If what you’re experiencing is too overwhelming, ask for guidance, speak up and surround yourself with happy people. Doing so will ensure that you never find yourself alone at the bottom of a wine bottle.

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing a school, when we were choosing a date to the first sorority date party, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which hot mess of a celebrity is more hot messy, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis; we have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two of our favorite celebs to watch (as they completely meltdown into a pile of crazy mush): Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears. Who is more of a train wreck? God, that’s a tough call, so let’s break it down.

Rehab
Amy Winehouse: Amy said she wouldn’t go to rehab, no no no. Yet, after spending quite a few nights on everything from heroin to horse tranquilizers, the troubled singer ended up there. More than once.

Britney Spears: I lost track of how many times Britney headed to rehab. There was the time she checked into Eric Clapton’s Crossroads Centre, and then that time when she was at Promises when she checked in and then back out and then in again. Lets just say Brit Brit knows her way around addiction counseling.

Point: Britney Spears. It’s all in the numbers. Amy may have sang about it, but Britney visited rehab centers more often than I the bathroom during a night of flip cup. And you know that’s often.

Breakdown
Amy Winehouse: Where do we even begin with this one? Amy is no stranger to breakdowns. She has been known to beat up fans, forget her own lyrics on stage, get in bloody fights with her husband, get caught on tape smoking mysterious substances and walk around in a bra exposing her rail thin body.

Britney Spears: Once again we have another long drawn out train wreck. There was that time she attacked the paparazzi with her umbrella, then dated the paparrazzi, tried on a British accent, shaved her head, put on thirty pounds and lost her children in a custody battle all within the span of about a year.

Point: Tie. A breakdown is a breakdown. No winner here. Except the gossip mags.

Hair
Amy Winehouse’s hair is the stuff legends are made of. (It’s also the stuff that animals get caught in.) An entire Halloween section is devoted to that beehive alone. Just think of all the things she can store in there (crack pipes, flasks, lunch…)

Britney Spears shaved her own head. Who knows it if was because of the drug testing or the “make over”  but either way, Britney went bald. And then covered up her bad judgment call with a number of cheap colorful wigs.

Point: Amy Winehouse. Even though both ladies had some pretty daring dos,  Amy is still rocking that signature look While Brit is back to boring blonde.

Inner Circle
Amy Winehouse’s parents were tight with paparazzi throughout her downward spiral. Although they were making it public that they were worried about their daughter, they were still doing so in a public forum. And then there’s Amy’s beloved husband Blake, who personally escorted her to her professional demise and is now sitting behind bars trading pics of his lady for lines of coke.

Britney Spears. Where do you start with this one? Her mom is the ultimate stage mom, her dad has been managing her every move since she was 12, and her sister had a baby at 12. (Ok, 16.) And if all that isn’t dramatic enough, Britney is also connected to a series of shady characters like Adnan Ghalib who may or may not have been working with the paparazzi to profit off of Brit-Brits downward spiral, and Sam Lutfi who may have contributed to it.

Point: Britney Spears. Although both ladies have some serious enablers in their lives, Amy drugged herself. Again and again and again. And again. Britney had no idea what people were putting in her applesauce.

Kids
Amy Winehouse has yet to reproduce. Thank. God.

Britney Spears is the mother to 2 mistakes kids, Jayden James and Sean Preston. Who she has almost killed on multiple occasions.

Point: Britney Spears… At least until Amy has her own children to screw up.

Celebretard Prize: Britney Spears
Yayyyy, Britney! This truly is the year of your comeback!

We’re back with another edition of G.W.W.E. (Guys We Wanna Eff)! Heating up CC this week is the owner of those effable baby blues, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers.

Let’s go waaay back (to 2002) to the release of  Bend it Like Beckham, when JRM got his first big acting break.  He starred as Joe, the Irish soccer (okay, football) coach who quickly fell for his culturally-conflicted student, Jess.

I loved this movie for two reasons: first, because it showcased Keira Knightley during her awkward stage before she was really famous, and second, because JRM totally stole the show.

His impeccable brogue and pursed pout had my teenage tongue a-waggin’.  Plus, due to the English colloquialisms peppered throughout the film, the characters kept referring to Joe as “fit” (translation: effable), which inspired me to dream of my own physical condition after a long night with JRM.

But that was just the beginning.

Our boy then took a role in the quirky (but really exceptional) Woody Allen flick, Match Point. JRM starred as a man wracked with guilt over an infidelity with Scarlett Johannson’s character, who devises an ultimate solution to rid her from his life.  The film has everything: delicious sex scenes, multiple close-ups of Jonathan’s chiseled jaw and impassioned stare, and his persistent stress only heightened my desire to step into the film and relieve him…if you catch my drift.

Today, he stars as iconic historical cassanova King Henry VIII in Showtime’s The Tudors. Now you can schedule regular dates with JRM (alas, on television).  And while he remains a bachelor, he’s recently been reported entering and leaving rehab for alcohol addiction. It seems he’s been spending a lot of  time taking care of himself, which I applaud. When he’s ready to let someone else take care of him, I’ll certainly be ready to effill the role!

If you don’t know who the Red Hot Chili Peppers are, I just want to know what rock you’ve been living under for the past twenty-five or so years. They are one of the biggest rock bands in the world, recording seven fantastic albums including the 2006 “Stadium Arcadium,” which won 6 Grammys. Since this band has such a long history, an autobiography of the main singer is bound to be a super interesting and full of scandal.

And Anthony Kiedis does not disappoint.

Anthony’s autobiography begins right at the beginning: his birth in 1962. He chronicles his experiences as a child that lead to his excessive party lifestyle as an adult, many of which are with his father, Blackie, a drug dealer. He discusses all of his relationships and diligently reports on the formation of the original Red Hot Chili Peppers.

At some points the book becomes slightly redundant: drug abuse, rehab, clean, repeat. But that was his life and although this repetitiveness takes away from the severity of the issue of drug abuse, the stories that go along with this vicious cycle are amazing and can only be those of a rock-star.

And they stay with you. Even though I read this about 5 years ago, certain anecdotes have never left me and I still find myself thinking of them.

If you are a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan, then you must read “Scar Tissue.” The band’s formation and progress alone will reel you in. However, any music or biography fan will enjoy the rich detail and frank honesty. I finished this book and did not doubt any of Kiedis’ statements for a second, as often happens with biographies (Remember James Frey?!). It’s a bit of a long read (almost 500 pages), but goes by quickly, as you will not be able to put it down.

Those girls pretend to be innocent, but we’re onto them!

 Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armisen are getting married!

Hayden Panattierre’s look for less! SO cute!

A straightener AND a crimper? Yes, please!

Shia LeBeouf with some sexy scruff…yum!

The secret love lives of our presidents…hmm, curious?

MTV’s on our side!

Russell Brand has sexual powers? What?!

Little kids are so cute and funny, even when they don’t mean to be.

Little Rudy is not a cokehead!!

Kelly Osbourne back in rehab…shocking.

It’s time for some teen talk. There’s a whole new generation of teenybopper superstars, and it’s time for us college ladies to get aquainted with them. Miley Cyrus seems to be at the crest of the fame wave, but can Taylor Swift be far behind?

While Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has been on the radar of the ‘tween set for quite some time, she really became a mega-uber-superstar in the course of the last year. It’s been a good twelve months since I first started hearing her single, “See You Again,” blasting from every room on my hall.  She made headlines when famed photographer Annie Lebowitz shot questionably tasteful photos of her for Vanity Fair. With a fiercely devoted fan base, bestselling albums and a movie and memoir in the works, you’d think Miley was the certified Queen of the Teenyboppers, pink tiara and all.

But not so fast, Hannah Montana. There’s another gal in town who’s ready to knock the spurs off your rockstar cowboy boots. Taylor Swift has been garnering press left and right about her sophisticated music and style. She’s been called the “most remarkable country music breakthrough artist of the decade,” and has upheld the honor by promising not to end up in rehab like some of her musician peers. And while she’s determined to stay out of the tabloids, she hasn’t always been successful–her tumultuous breakup with Joe Jonas has been providing intense gossip fodder this week.

So who is really on top of the tween rock scene? Billy Ray’s daughter steals the spotlight with her fun and kitschy persona, but Ms. Swift commands attention with her sweet and sincere lyrics. Who’s more likely to be rocking out on your iPod earbuds?

While we usually run posts like this to decide which male celebrity is hotter, we thought it was time to take things to a new level. No, today’s “It’s On” is not about who is a hotter mess, or who needs more of an intervention (because Spears already had hers…and it seems to be working!).

What we want to know is: who would you rather work for?

On the one hand, you have Ms. Spears: you would have to care for her children, interact with K-Fed, make numerous Starbucks runs, tell her those boots look good with that dress, and, most likely, crush up drugs and stick em in her Frap.

On the other hand, you have Amy Winehouse: you would have to travel to the seediest parts of London to get her drugs (in return for sexual favors in an alley), pick bugs/small animals out of her hair, assist her in making packages (of drugs) to send to her husband in jail, and try to get the vomit out of her couture dresses.

So, which trashy diva would you wanna work for?

It has been so long since we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan in anything other than rehab/a bikini/a mugshot/the arms of her “girlfriend” that I sorta forgot she did anything else.

Yeah, it seems that Ms. Lohan was at one point an actress. Wait…now I remember. Mean Girls. I loved that movie! Oh man. Remember that part at the end when the girls are all sharing secrets and that girl was like, “Most people think I’m lying about being a virgin because I prefer jumbo tampons, but I can’t help it if I have a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!”

Ha! Classic.

But back to my point. Lindsay has returned to work! She has been spending a lot of time on the set of her new movie, Labor Pains, and the reps for the movie say that everything is going A-Ok. Last time I checked, no one in Hollywood would insure a Lohan movie because she’s so…er….she’s a hot mess. But, the peeps behind Labor Pains decided Lohan was a risk worth taking. According to People:

“We were a little bit reluctant to work with her,” Lati Grobman, one of the producers, tells PEOPLE. “But she’s been amazing. We took the chance. It’s good that we did. So far, so good.”

I know that everyone is claiming things are hunky-dory (yes, I just said that) over on the set, but seeing this ensemble Lindsay has put together I have serious doubts of her sobriety. Yes, I realize she has given up the leggings, but suede boots with high waisted/totally unflattering jean shorts just makes me questions a few things. She has to be using, right? Right?