Break out the tissues, folks, we’ve got some news that has Lifetime Original Movie written all over it. The Situation is headed to rehab for “substance abuse.” And because celebrity gossip just wouldn’t be as fun without some mystery and sketchy details, the “substance” remains a secret.

This story actually surprised me a little bit. The whole point of Jersey Shore is that it’s a show about people with bad fake tans and too much hair product running around and making drunken fools out of themselves. Is that healthy? Probably not. Is it entertaining? I’ve actually never made it through more than 5 minutes of Jersey Shore, so I wouldn’t know. But it seems like The Situation might have some problems if he decides to change his ways and stop partying, and still expects to be on the show.

One thing’s for sure – the new season of Jersey Shore is going to look very different with Snooki pregnant and The Situation trying to clean up. And of course, we have a few guesses about what “substance” he may be abusing. Here they are.

initiating the gallery...

Garnet is a student at Columbia University in New York City. She is “that person” who starts dancing at a party when everyone else is standing around, and if there were a Facebook stalking Olympics, she would be a gold medalist. She also loves cheesy 90s music, and almost died of happiness when Vanilla Ice retweeted her. Once. Follow her on Twitter @garnethenderson.

Get tired of watching the kinds of unrealistic reality TV shows out there? Law and Order, Criminal Minds and NCIS just not doing the job for you?

A&E runs a little show called Intervention. Ever heard of it? If not, let me tell you, it’s as real as it gets; as ugly as it gets; as tear jerking as it gets.

At the closing of the show, the addict is confronted but his/her family in a final attempt to bring attention to the issues and the addiction and discuss how it is affecting each individual’s life. Cue the tears both on the set and on your couch. It’s heart wrenching to watch someone’s struggle smack them in the face. I always cry.

But, uh, well… not this time.

While you might call me insensitive, watch this clip and then consult your own moral compass.

I'm so.... tired.

And another one bites the dust.  It was announced today that Disney’s pop sensation Demi Lovato would be leaving her scheduled music tour with the Jonas Brothers and checking into rehab instead.  The official word is that she’ll be seeking treatment for emotional and physical issues, though insiders are saying her list of ailments include an eating disorder, cutting, and possibly a cocaine addiction.  So many achievements, and all before her 19^th birthday!  Looks like we might have another Lindsay Lohan on our hands with this one.

Seriously, though, what is it with Disney child stars coming completely unhinged at so young an age?  Demi is hardly the first to go from squeaky clean teen dream to coke snorting crazyface.  Though she’s got a while before working her way up in the ranks of Mickey’s family of train wrecks, God love her, she’s off to a good start.  Here’s what she’s up against:

Reigning Queen of the Disney Slums: Lindsay Lohan

I’ve lost count of how many times she’s been in and out of rehab, but despite her best mediocre efforts, something just isn’t working.  Is she there now, making another botched attempt at sobriety?  Is she in Kitson spending money she doesn’t have?  Is she at her on-again/off-again girlfriend’s house?  Is she famewhoring with her momager and 40 year-old little sister? Who knows!  One thing’s for certain, LiLo is absolutely not the precious redhead we fell in love with back in the Parent Trap days.

Princesses of Unplanned Pregnancies: The Spears Sisters

Both Britney and Jamie Lynn were Disney stars and both turned from southern sweethearts to white trash baby mamas.  Remember how wholesome Britbrit was back in her Mouseketeer days?  Well, throw in a little K-Fed and girl went weak at the knees.  Before long she was pregnant (twice), bald, and locked in the bathroom having a breakdown while holding her son hostage.  And JL?  Knocked up at 16 was hardly the route Disney was looking to take her show.  Thankfully she was fired before she could learn day drinking and mothering don’t mix.

Maiden of Naked Mirror Pics: Vanessa Hudgens

Sorry, hun, Photoshop wasn’t responsible for those scandalous pictures that spread around the internet.  Raging hormones, a full-length mirror, and a boyfriend who looks like (or is) Zac Efron would tempt any teen girl to snap some pics on her cell.  And in her case, those were exactly the culprits.  Let it be a lesson to the rest of you: panties on, phone down.

Village Idiot: Miley Cyrus

Let’s start by establishing that she’s 17.  From giving lap dances to men twice her age to grinding and writhing on the stages of seedy clubs all over the world, Destiny Hope Cyrus is just as tacky as her name implies.  I know, I know…all she wants to do is grow up and prove to everyone what an adult she is.  She grew up in the industry and is ten times savvier than I will ever be.  Okay.  She has a hot (and older) boyfriend with whom she may or may not be living.  Fine.  Her little sister is a bigger skankwhore than Miley will ever be.  True.  But still.  17, people.  She’s 17.

Missing- Petite Blonde with Horrible Extensions: Christina Aguilera

Sure, back in her Dirty days she did a brief stint in the horrifying land of Disney creations, but somehow girlfriend escaped.  Another Mouseketeer gone bad, Xtina shed her mouse ears for some assless chaps, a spray tan, and a music video that made a boxing fan of every man with access to MTV.  But from the depths, Ms. Aguilera clawed her way out.  She got a respectable haircut, married a nice Jewish man, and had a freakin’ adorable son, Max.  Cheers to the one who got away barely escaped.

So what have we learned here?  Well, for starters Disney breeds monsters.  Drunk, slutty, strung-out ones.  And if you’re in Mickey’s clutches, chances are you’re going to end up stumbling down the same path that you’re predecessors had previously puked and passed out on.  As Demi Lovato departs for some much-needed time in rehab, we can only hope she gets her mess together and seeks future employment elsewhere.

In fact, we don’t think she should ever step foot in jail even after she’s good and clean. It’s a total waste of time for everyone involved. (Well except TMZ. But we can’t always be looking out for them, you know?) We have a few other productive alternatives to Linds serving jail time –  things that will really teach her a hard lesson while also paying back her debt to society.

1. Make a Parent Trap Sequel – Not only was this the most action-filled, heartwrenching, laugh-till-it-hurts movie ever made, but it truly showcased just how talented Lindsay is when it comes to acting. She played two parts and totally had me believing that Annie and Hallie were two different people. Since Hollywood is updating every other movie ever made, we thought it would be great to get a 3D IMAX sequel in the works. Is Annie in grad school!? Is Hallie an ear piercer at a mall kiosk?! Not only are we going to catch up with our fave twinsies (sorry Winklevi Twins, you just can’t compete), but we’re going to get to see LiLo show off her acting chops once again. Because this time around, she’s playing all the parts. Hallie, Annie, Martin, Chessie, Mom, Dad, and yes, Grandfather.

2. Apologize for I Know Who Killed Me – Because before this film we were all on Team Lindsay. Mean Girls! Freaky Friday! PARENT TRAP! All I ask is that she log on to Twitter for a minute and say sorry. And refund my ticket money and my $9 movie popcorn. Oh, and give a personal apology to my 19-year-old sister who was my movie date. We had to have quite the talk after that movie.

3. Lock Ali Lohan in her Room – Mama Dina be damned. There’s no way we’re letting another Lohan into the spotlight. Yes, some damage has already been done. Yes, she’s posed provocatively and yes, she’s been on a reality show all about her mother’s desperation to make her famous. But no, we will not let her start sniffing (literally) around Hollywood for a chance to fill her sister’s shoes.

4. Go to college – A few years away from Hollywood stressing about sweat pant weight gain and final papers will give her a little perspective. Like remind her that not all 20-year-olds are clubbing with their mother, file restraining orders against their media-loving daddy, and fight over Aaron Carter (remember that?!). And she’ll definitely have her choice of colleges. I mean, her essay is going to blow the admissions committee out of the water. Forget that kid that did a community service teen tour and check out the girl who chased down her assistant at high speeds while high on cocaine.

5. Fan College Candy on Facebook – And no, we’re not just saying that for selfish reasons. We just want the best for our baby girl and there’s nothing better for a 20-something lady than our fan page. Especially because we’re giving away a beer pong table to one lucky fan. And Lindsay will need that for all the games of water pong that are in her future.

So yeah, if anyone knows the judge’s address, just send this along.

Is it bad that since reading of this new addition to the cast, my interest in the movie has dropped about 200%?  Mel makes my skin crawl.  Seriously, I know the dude wants to push “restart” on his career, but I can think of a bajillion other celebrities who deserve a second (or third, or fourth) chance to change their image more than a wife-beating, anti-Semitic a-hole.

Amy Winehouse
Not only is she legitimately super-talented, she writes songs with names like “F*ck Me Pumps.”  Talk about someone who deserves a chance to further pursue her art!  Those are bona-fide dance hits, without which our Thirsty Thursdays would be significantly duller.  There are only so many times you can shake your butt to “Apple Bottom Jeans,” but Amy’s “Rehab” is forever.

R.Kelly
When he’s not being gross, Mr. Kelly is actually pretty funny…whether he means to be or not.  “Trapped in the Closet” was an epic musical adventure that had me biting my fingernails with anxiety.  So maybe he touched minors inappropriately.  Give him one of those hot pink molester license plates, keep him away from parks and schools, but let the guy act!

Lindsay Lohan
Once upon a time, she was a cute little redhead with a twin.  Then God smote us all by revealing that that twin was merely cinematic trickery and that our favorite ginger had a cocaine problem and a crazy mother.  Ugh, unfair!  Hasn’t Linds has put in the time, people?  I mean, seriously, she actually put in time.  In jail.  And rehab.  Doesn’t she deserve a second chance to fill the hole she left in our Parent Trap-loving hearts?

Kanye West
Sure we love him since he started Good Fridays.  A new free Kanye track every week is pretty effing spectacular.  But his image still screams arrogant jerk, no?  Stick him in The Hangover 2 as an abused member of the hotel staff, perhaps sent on a mission to track down Taylor Swift CDs for Zach Galifianakis, and I think hilarity just might ensue.

Robert Downey, Jr.
Okay, fine.  So his drug problem is old news and his reputation has pretty much been restored.  Iron Man 1 and 2, Sherlock Holmes, Tropic Thunder, Due Date…it’s clear he can land a blockbuster movie.  But still, he’s hot.  Like really, really hot.  In that DILF kinda way.  They could have just thrown him in The Hangover 2 for a scene with Bradley Cooper to make the hearts of girls everywhere sparkle more than Edward Cullen in the sun.

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Celebs without makeup (these pics never get old).

Calm down, Shia.

Taylor Momsen vs. Heidi Montag.

I’m really beginning to become legitimately concerned for Lilo.  As I should.  I remember when Britney Spears was shaving her head and whipping out umbrellas at paparazzi.   I was most certainly not making fun of Britney’s recent endorsement for Candies, or how funny her head was shaped.  I cared for Britney Spears, I wanted the best for her.  There was a piece inside of me that felt bad for her. I wanted to pull her aside, buy her Starbucks and talk it out.  I understand Britney’s situation is a little different than Lilo’s, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t want to reach out to someone that has a problem and wish the best for them.

Therefore, why can’t we feel the same remorse for Lohan?  As much as we want to rip on her, she has a REAL problem.   And as much as we compulsively make fun of her and joke around, letting her out of rehab early was an awful idea.  I learned this in grade school: drugs ain’t no joke and Lindsay got off way to easily. (OK, I didn’t learn that second part in grade school but you get the point.)  Our news outlets say it all, Lohan has been in this position many times before, proving the true seriousness of her addiction.  If Lilo doesn’t get help real soon, she is never going to get better.

Lindsay’s original sentence was 90 days in jail, 90 days in rehab.  Unfortunately for her well being, she was released way too early from both.  Lohan was only in jail for 13 days which isn’t nearly enough time for her to let her consequences sink in.  On top of that, Lohan was allowed to leave on the 23rd day of a 90 day sentence from rehab. I don’t know much about rehab (thank god), but I can say with 100% certainty that 23 days isn’t enough time.  Forgive me for bringing math into this, but maybe if Lohan actually spent 90 days in jail and 90 days in rehab, she would successfully do a 180.

Instead, Lindsay is right back where she started. She even took it upon herself to go out partying after admitting she had tested positive not once, but twice for drugs.  If that isn’t some sort of problem, I don’t know what is.  As much as you can loathe her for blaming Hollywood for her problems, she is a human being. And as easy as it is to poke fun at her failing career, the girl really needs help and it is going to take more than an early release from rehab, not enough time in jail and starring in another dark movie to get her back.

Lindsay has a serious problem and it’s time we all start rooting for her to overcome it.

They're trying to make him go to rehab, I say BS, BS, BS

Somehow in the past year it became common practice for famous husbands to cheat on their wives (multiple times) and drag them through an insane media circus culminating in a trip to rehab.

Tiger did it.
And now Jesse James is on his way, too.

Now, I can actually get behind rehab for sex addiction, but seriously?  These guys seem to have a very specific kind of problem: the I sleep with grimy pornstars instead of my super-hot wife who actually loves me disorder.  Right.  It seems that rehab has turned into a holding cell for generally douchy men and if that’s the case, what’s next?

Belligerent Drunk Therapy
For the guy who thinks he’s a WWE wrestler every time he drinks. He picks fights with the bouncer who makes him wait in line, with the guy who accidentally bumped into him while walking through the crowded bar, the random guy in the pink shirt (because “pink shirts are for pussies”). He puffs out his chest at anyone and everyone and can’t take a shot without throwing a punch. But don’t dump him, baby. He can go to rehab!

Bro Addiction Therapy
He’s all sweet and mushy when the two of you are alone, but get him with his friends and it’s like you don’t exist. Suddenly he’s a swaggering cocky bro who will do just about anything to impress his boys. Crush a beer can on his head? Duh. Hit on other girls at the bar? Why not? Stand you up for date night to play HALO with the boys for 7 hours? These are his boys, yo, get over it. This is nothing Dr. Drew can’t handle….

Slacker Rehab
Aw, he can’t help being a slacker!  There’s too much going on in the living room for him to leave it!  I mean, when the TV and the bong are in there, he’d rather go hungry than stand up to do anything.  He just sits there. all. day. long.  He barely takes care of himself, let alone do anything special for you. But he’s not a bad boyfriend, he just has an addiction. To slothiness. All he needs is 6 weeks in treatment, right?

Committment Phobia Therapy
Perhaps a nice spin around a couple of group sharing sessions will bring him to his senses.

Jealous Rage Rehab
He flexes his muscles at anyone who looks at you, constantly calls you when you’re out with the girls and has been going through your phone for months.  Which, mind you, he wouldn’t have to do if you stopped acting so suspiciously. Don’t kick him to the curb – just get him some help, Tiger-style.

Word on the street is that they’re trying to make you go to rehab and you say no, no, no. While Amy Winehouse turned that jam into a monster hit, do you really want it to be the theme song to your E! True Hollywood Story? I have to be brutally honest with you, Linds; you’re not looking good. We all see that damaged, over-processed hair and all that chain smoking as if your life depends on it.

Remember when you used to look like this? Now, you’ll be lucky if you don’t crack that orange, leathery face of yours.

And here’s an FYI: just because pills are “prescribed” doesn’t mean you can down them like Tic-Tacs. Have we learned nothing from the loss of Heath Ledger last year? Granted Heath was a sexier blond than you will ever strive to be, you don’t have to drown your sorrows in a water bottle filled with vodka. Yes, we’ve caught on to you.

So what’s next for you, LiLo? We are all waiting with bated breath. Do you honestly want to say you hit your peak as a Mean Girl? That your last stab at acting not only didn’t make it to theaters, but went straight to ABC Family!?

Can’t you see that you’ve hit rock bottom? I thought it was blatantly obvious when you accepted the role in I Know Who Killed Me. Perhaps you were trying to relive the twin glory that you received from The Parent Trap, but playing the part of a strip club amputee and her equally mutilated twin sister was not your finest hour. And from I’ve seen of your pole-dancing skills, I’d urge you not to quit your day job. Oh wait – you’ve already done that.

Your father has told us that you’re not acting right now because you can’t. “Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that’s grown because of the prescription drugs.” Yeah, that’s right. You heard the man. He’s telling the world you’ve got fungus. Herpes we expected, but fungus?  Are you going to let him get away with that or are you gonna put down the pills, dust off those leggings and show the world what you’ve got?

I won’t lie to you Lindsay; sometimes I too see the beauty in dying young like Marilyn Monroe. Who doesn’t want to be glamorous, even in death? But I think you’re taking it a little too far. If you won’t go back to rehab for me, and you won’t do it for your dad, at least do it for Samantha.

She would be lost and fame-less without you.

Thanks, bitch.

Sincerely,
Brittany
(On behalf of all of the Mean Girls fans out there.)

There are a lot of celebrities out there that simply disappear, whether it be voluntarily or due to lack of talent/rehab/Bermuda triangle.  There are a couple that have massive amounts of issues, yet refuse to disappear.  In fact, they seem to pop up everywhere, strutting around uninvited on every red carpet.  People like Bai Ling and Paris Hilton are prime examples.

More recently, we have Mischa Barton.  I gotta admit, I really do enjoy watching a mediocre TV actress fall from grace (and she fell hard!).  Oh, speaking of mediocre actresses, I think I heard the other day that Tara Reid has teamed up with the douchebag powerhouse that is Christian Audigier to design some piece of crap that I’ll certainly see all around campus.  Yay.

In light of that wonderful piece of news, I think it’s time to pair up a couple of the most washed up faces in Hollywood:  Mischa Barton and Tara Reid.

Acting
Mischa Barton was never a steller actress, let’s not lie.  She peaked in The Sixth Sense as the creepy ghost girl who barfed a lot.  The OC was a shambles, especially when she became a drug addict or whatever and then died randomly in the third season.  Has anyone seen Mischa in anything since then?  Not unless you caught one of her straight-to-DVD releases.  Yeesh.

Tara Reid is not a great actress by any means.  I did enjoy her run in American Pie (1 and 2) and the episodes of Scrubs that she appeared in were hilarious.  However, whenever I watch her in anything else, all that comes to mind is the word “sticky.”  She just looks sticky and sweaty and drunk at all times…probably because she’s always at least one of those things (I’m voting for drunk).  See: Taradise.

Point: Mischa Barton. In the realm of acting, Mischa Barton is a fail.  At least Tara Reid’s slew of vapid, slutty characters are entertaining.

Fashion
Mischa Barton wears some pretty awesome stuff.  I’ve actually opened up the style section of a magazine and seen her there (the good part of the style section, not the losers section).  She takes chances and it pays off.  Not always, though…we’ve had some pretty awful situations involving vintage items, mini dresses and feathers.  Her foray into headbands has also gotten pretty interesting…

Tara Reid has no style.  Her “style,” as it were, consists of crop tops, glittery things, and denim mini skirts.  I certainly won’t be forgetting the exposed boob incident for a while.  She also seems to be anti-bra, even after her boob job.

Point: Tara Reid. It’s no contest, really.

(Un)classiness
Mischa Barton has been pretty unclassy lately, what with her boozin’ and partyin’.  At least she checked into rehab (finally!) after one too many shots of her looking like a certifiably crazy person with a really puffy face.  Oh, and let’s not forget her 2007 arrest for drunk driving (without a license).  Classy, girl.

Tara Reid just oozes class skankiness.  That girl is an a bikini 90% of the time, swigging something from a bottle (but not eating…never eating).  She’s done her time in rehab, but her reputation as a boozehound isn’t leaving her anytime soon.  See again: Taradise.

Point: Tara Reid. Not classy.  Anti-classy.

Love Life
Mischa Barton dates musicians.  Seriously – if you’re in an indie rock band and are based somewhere in the UK, you probably have a pretty good chance of getting with Mischa Barton (lucky you).  That is, when she gets out of rehab.

Tara Reid has dated every football player ever (only a slight exaggeration) and a generous sprinkling of other men have decorated her arm over the years.  I guess guys really do go for those party-girl types.  I’m gonna go get my drink on and test this theory out…

Point: Tara Reid. Maybe if she worked more and spent less time romping around random beaches she’d be less of a whore.  Maybe.

Gossip Presence
Mischa Barton has been huge in the gossip columns lately: is she suicidal? Will she still have a role on the new CW show after her stint in rehab?  Where is she getting all of these headbands?  Very important stuff.

Tara Reid really isn’t doing much of anything and it shows:  she isn’t in any gossip column.  When she does appear, it’s mostly following comments that are surprised to find she still exists (but not at all surprised that she’s sloppy and drunk and…sticky).

Point: Mischa Barton. She is definitely being talked about, what with this whole rehab/new TV show thing going on.  Tara…only wishes she had something newsworthy about her.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Tara Reid. Just bow out peacefully and go seclude yourself on some beach so you don’t accidentally brush up against anyone and rub off your fake tan/greasiness.