“Ma’am?” says the barista. “Can I help you?”

Right. So after you finally get your coffee, you amble over by the cute dude’s table and strategically sit near him. After a few minutes of awkward eye contact, he gathers up his stuff and asks if he can sit with you. Score, right? You abandon all thoughts of starting your paper early as you gaze into his hazel eyes and find out that you both love cheese fondue and college basketball. As it grows dark outside, he mentions he has to leave, so you take a deep breath and get up the courage to ask him The Question: “Hey… do you wanna hang out again sometime?”

And here’s the answer: “Oh. Um… I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just see you around.”

OUCH!

Congratulations—you’ve liked a guy who doesn’t like you back. We’ve all been there. But is it really as bad as it seems?

I say no. If you’re met with rejection when you ask a guy out or shot down when you try to flirt with him, there’s just one thing to do: move on. Sure, you can try to change his ways or manipulate him into dumping his girlfriend or pull out any number of other conniving tricks, but really, isn’t it just simpler to get over it?

It’s not like you’ve dated the guy for years and he’s suddenly run off with another chick and bid you goodbye without even a kiss. It’s not like the two of you have some cosmic connection that’s absolutely undeniable. Even if you think he’s your dream guy, odds are that he’s not—after all, if he was, don’t you think he’d be a bit more tempted to accept your offer of a date?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to convince a guy to go out with you. I said no to my now-boyfriend probably ten times over a period of three days before I finally relented and said, “YES, I’ll go out with you, now leave me alone!” And hey, it worked out for us.

So if you feel like it’s really meant to be, go for it—but don’t be surprised if you end up alienating the guy instead of charming him. If you want to salvage a friendship, cut your losses and move on. A guy should not dominate your existence, so hold your head up and remember—it’s his loss.

[Image courtesy of d-addicts.com.]

I’m going to say what everyone is thinking. Ludacris is a modern day Shakespeare. Yeah, I said it, someone had to. If you don’t know every word to “Roll Out (My Business)” then I’m not sure you can be considered an American.

What could be better than a modern day Shakespeare? Pair him with today’s JFK or some other awesome leader of yesteryear. That of course, is Barack “Yeah I did coke, so what?!” Obama. Luda plus Obama? It’s like Batman and Robin, peanut butter and jelly, Paris and Nicole, boxed wine and passing out on a sidewalk! They just make sense together.

Naturally I was psyched when Barack and Luda first met up to talk about AIDS, empowering the youth or bling. My hopes were built up by a conversation that I could only assume they had.

Ludacris: YOU’S A HOOOO, OHHHHH!

Barack: Together… we can change America, Ludacris.

Ludacris: Yeah man, you’s going for that number one spot.

Barack: I want you, to be… my running mate.

Ludacris: YEAHHH Baby. Hells YES we CAN OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LUDA! YEPPP!

My dreams started to become closer to reality when Ludacris dropped his new song “Obama’s Here”. Brilliance, sheer brilliance. I’d even call it poetic if poetry wasn’t so boring. He even dropped the idea of him being the Vice President! I felt faint with excitement, Ludacris said all the things I simply couldn’t articulate. My personal favorite line? “Hillary hated on you, so that bitch is irrelevant.”

However, things have taken a turn for the worse. Obama wasn’t as crazy about Ludacris’ single as I was. He formally REJECTED Luda’s delicately put-together song. I’m crushed. According to Ludacris, Obama would’ve even give him a “special pardon if [he’s] ever in the slammer.”

Barack! You’re going to pardon him for a future drive-by or shoot up of a club, but you won’t accept his praising lyrics? Ludicrous.

We are at the bar, enjoying our favorite hits from Madonna’s Immaculate Collection with our girlfriends when, BAM, that weird dude shows up out of nowhere. He may be old, he may be creepy, or he may just be plain old gross (no matter how many drinks we’ve had…and yes, we did take that into consideration…what can we say? It’s been a long, dry summer), but whatever the reason we are not interested.

We give all the right signals – our friends drag us away, we pretend that our phone is ringing, we start dancing with other guys – but he just doesn’t get it. What are we supposed to do?

Get creative, of course.

Our writers are weighing in this week with their best efforts at letting the lad down gently.

Britt – Northern Virginia Community College: I ended up pointing to a random huge tattooed guy across the room and said that he was my boyfriend with a huge rage problem. It ended up working and the skeezy guy left me alone!

Sady – The New School: If an uncomely man approaches me, he learns that my name is Andrea, I’m from Wisconsin, I go to NYU, I’m majoring in Art History, and my phone number is [the first seven numbers I can think of, recited with great confidence]. There are a lot of dudes in this town who probably wander around thinking, “wow, that Andrea is a bitch.”

Lauren – University of Michigan: “I haven’t done bikini line maintenance in a few months; it’s your call.”

K – NYU: My former roommate (after finishing her beer) told a guy offering to buy her next drink, “Can’t, I’m pregnant. Thanks though.”

Jess T – Columbia University: Some sleazy photographer kept hitting on me at this party. At one point he says, “I’m looking for my blind date, are you her?”I said, “No, sorry, I can see.”

Jessica – FSU: “I’m sorry, I’m not going to write my phone number on the back of your sub club card.”

J – NYU: “I forgot my phone number” …I was drunk, but it worked.

Devon – UCLA: “I have a baby. It didn’t work out with her dad, so this time, I’m in it for the long haul and I know I don’t know you very well, but you don’t seem like ‘the one’ to me.”

Melissa – College of Westchester: I told someone that “Angels in America” taught me that loveless sex goes against God and that I was going to be celibate for a long time to come. (By “a long time” I meant, “until I met someone who didn’t suck as much as he did.”)

Gemma – NYU: Umm…not returning their phone calls. Does that count?

Noa – UC Boulder: “Maybe if you weren’t wearing a pink Lacoste shirt…tucked into a pair of ill fitting jeans.”

Kathryn S.: I used my high-school level French to explain that I don’t speak English. Ne parle pas Anglais!

Olua: I once told this outrageously persistent dude a long, intricate story about my ex/stalker/soul mate. He looked horrified by the end of it and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night.

Victoria Witchey: Clearly lacking imagination, I turned a guy down by telling him I was a nun. I doubt he believed me, being it was in a club at 3am.

Sues – University of New Hampshire: “I’m 36 years old and married with a 2 year old.” They totally believed that my friend and I were getting away from our husbands and hanging out in a collegey bar…and I look 18.

Lyndsey – University of Michigan: (After having about 200,000 beers): “No, you can’t have my number because I’m f*#kin’ forty times hotter than you are, motherf*#ker. Get the f*#k out of here, son.”

Think you’ve done it better? Prove it.

I obviously should have gotten the hint, but I just couldn’t let it go. We had such a great date; how could he just stop talking to me? What did I do wrong? Why would he tell me he’d call if he never planned to? I needed to hear it – I needed to know he wasn’t interested. I needed that closure.

Eventually, which was far too long in any sane person’s book, I gave up and moved on. He wasn’t going to call. I had my closure. Looking back, I realize just how crazy I was. Literally, crazy. No wonder he never called back; he was probably at the police station trying to get a restraining order. But I was young and alone in a giant new city. That boy was the one thing I had to hold onto while I started a new job, found a new apartment and adjusted to life outside of Ann Arbor, Michigan.

I know now that no answer is the loudest and clearest answer a guy can give. Yet, even now, as a more mature and experienced adult, I can’t shake my desire (or relentless need) for some verbal communication. Not so much for the closure anymore – completely losing my dignity got me over that one quickly – but more as a much needed learning tool. If I did something wrong, I want to know so I can fix it for future experiences.

Like, if I came on too strong, or not strong enough; if my humor was a bit overwhelming on the first date, or if I came across as a bitch. Something. I just want to shake these guys sometimes; just tell me something! I know that it’s always easier to just let things fizzle and die, but I just want some answers, damn it. I am trying to grow from this experience. Help me grow, will you?!

It’s like getting rejected from a job. Imagine getting that generic rejection letter or, even worse, no rejection letter at all! You would want to know why you didn’t get the job, wouldn’t you? You know, so you can spruce up your resume for the next time, or wear a nicer suit on future interviews.

I just want to know which suit to wear on my next interview. At the bar. With a single man.

I know those answers will never come – and that I will never ask because that makes me look crazy – but I can’t help but need to know. It seems so much more productive than blaming the guy and assuming I am perfect. Even though I am damn near close.

Am I alone in this one?