There are infinite amount of ways to ask someone out, because there are infinite amount of situations that it can come up in. “You like bread. I like bread. Want to go get bread?” “You wanna hang out tonight?” “Want to study for our organic chemistry final?” “How do you feel about jell-o shots and tequila chasers?” From the vague to the specific to the borderline soliciting, guys have all kinds of ways to ask the same question. And for as many ways that there are to ask, there are as many ways to reject. You could probably write it as an equation: X number of attempts = X number of rejections which can be rewritten as X attempts to procreate = X number of ways to get kicked in the nut sack. But there’s the gentle tapping to the balls and then there’s aiming the wide steel toe to a 45 degree angle that’ll catch the General AND the two Colonels. Depending on how you say, “No,” you’ll open any one of a lot of doors to a response.

You can be gentle or you can be bitchy, vague and nonspecific or cruel, there are extremes either way. So what’s the best way? Depends on how well you know him. If he’s a friend or just a guy in a bar who seems decent enough, you don’t have to go from 1 to 10, where 10 is the equivalent of making him a eunuch and 1 is giving a mixed signal. Just remember: he’s putting himself out there.

Talk all about an equal rights amendment, but for all the strides we’ve made in gender equality, men are STILL expected to ask first. It’s just the way it is. Which means we’re still expected to offer ourselves up for either reward or punishment. No matter how casual a guy comes off, the situation is a built in power imbalance: You’ve got it, and you can wield it. With great power comes great responsibility.

Believe it or not, for most guys, you can just say, “No, thanks.” Or take it to a slightly higher decibel with “Not interested, sorry.” Polite and courteous of the fact he’s an actual person with actual feelings. Shaking your head and walking away could work if you’re in a group, but it borders on ignoring the whole thing happened, which might be construed as minimizing the fact he’s making an effort. Which is pretty rude. But still, reasonable.

Don’t pretend you didn’t hear him. Sure, he could chicken out asking a second time, but if he DOES, the rejection has 4x the impact.

Don’t just walk away like he doesn’t exist. Would you like it if a guy did that to you?

And really, that’s what it all comes down to: The Golden Rule. Almost ALL freaking social interactions come down to it. Put yourself in his shoes and go from there.

Ways to NOT turn someone down:
Throwing a drink in his face…unless he deserves it
Laughing at him…unless he deserves it
LITERALLY kicking him in the balls…unless he deserves it

There are times that warrant a brutal rejection. They usual involve a guy who’s acting like a douche and won’t take the first hint. He cops a feel. He literally thinks “no” just means “maybe.” He feels entitled to a “yes.” And those are guys that you also have to be a little weary around, because they don’t generally respond to, like, subtlety. Such a concept doesn’t compute in their pea brains.

Ways to turn someone down:
Do acknowledge he asked
Do be honest without embellishment
Do be direct
Do be courteous (it only takes a second to be polite)
Do consider when you’ve been in his situation

And that’s as easy as it gets. A fake number isn’t necessary. Belittling his manhood could be going too far. A verbal castration could be construed as a bit extreme. Physical injury isn’t generally necessary. But then again, there are times and places…

It’s elementary,

The Dude

[Lead image via Rehan Qureshi / Shutterstock]

The saga continues. Last time, I brought you 11 Dumb*ss Reasons Girls Turn Down Guys. Today, it’s time to turn the tables on the pricks. That’s right, this time I’m giving you 11 of the stupidest, most ridiculous, and ludicrous reasons that guys turn their noses down on a gal. Don’t expect niceties and don’t expect logic. I think we proved with Part 1 that we’re not dealing with what makes sense, just with what sometimes happens, for better or worse. Read on if you dare… Read More »

Someone once told me that the reason I’m still single is because my standards are too high. I laughed in her face, flipping through a mental catalog of the disgusting creatures who’ve woken up in my bed.  “Au contraire,” I told her. “I think my standards are non existent.”

But last night, as I enjoyed a large DQ Blizzard while watching the latest drama on The Real Housewives of New York, I started reflecting on my dating past and why none of those boys are in my dating present. I grabbed a piece of paper (Ok, the back of a takeout menu…it was closer) and began listing all of the guys I’ve met/gotten naked with.

To my horror, the list had more dishes than the Chinese menu it was written on.

Next to each name I wrote down why that particular dude didn’t work out. Over half of the list consisted of “d-bag didn’t call me back,” or “don’t know his real name,” but the rest were my own doing. And after seeing it all written down on paper, I began to see my friend may have been right.

Reasons I’ve rejected boys: Read More »

Hablar con la mano, bro.

Have you ever been at the receiving end of some romantic advances you just weren’t that into?  Did you try to throw out subtle clues that “short and middle-aged with two kids and alimony payments” wasn’t your type?  Did this dude just not quite get it?

Well, a new study has found that men deemed as having “aggressive” pickup tactics just don’t always receive the not-interested memo as quickly as their more in-tune counterparts.  Fear not, gals, for I’m thinking you need to up the ante and throw out the most obvious “NO!” you can conjure.

Short of shouting in his face, here are a few tricks that shouldn’t fail you (and shouldn’t fail to give your onlooking friends a laugh).

Stop Him Mid-Sentence and Break Out the Faux Sign Language
Unless he volunteers with deaf children on the weekends, he’ll have no idea what’s going on and not want to find out.  Think this is an incredibly insensitive and inappropriate move?  Well think about how incredibly insensitive and inappropriate it’ll be when broseph decided to slip his hand down the back of your jeans.  You’ll be glad you whipped out the big (finger) guns.

Refuse the Drink He Just Bought You
Sometimes you’ve got to play the bitch in order to escape.  So you told him “No, thanks” when he offered to refresh your gin and tonic.  But he ordered it anyway.  Then you said “No, thanks” when he slid the new drink your way.  But he still placed it in front of you.  Don’t drink it and look in the opposite direction.  911 eye signals to your best buds should bring in the reinforcements, leaving you with a new circle to talk to. Read More »

As a little girl, I always knew I would go to college. It was the way I would make myself in the world. Throughout college, I had endless internship opportunities. In fact, I had to turn down many of them because I couldn’t work them all at once. I had the chance to live in New York City for a summer and for a month of January. I studied abroad in London. I was asked by the English department at my school to complete an Honors Thesis – something only a few students are asked to do every year. I thought I did everything right, and figured my post-graduation experience would be equally as exciting as my college prospects.

Surprise! I haven’t even graduated yet, and nothing has gone the way I thought it would or how I want it to, and with graduation next weekend – it’s time to come up with a game plan for the ominous future.

Originally, I thought I wanted to attend graduate school and work towards a higher degree in English literature. I spent the entire fall semester working on taking the GRE exam, filling out graduate applications (and spending major money on sending them out!), and writing the most intense essay of my undergraduate career to send along to my program choices. In the midst of all this, I spoke with my academic advisor who told me “Charlsie, don’t worry about it – I think you’ll get in wherever you want, you’ll have the option to choose where you want to go. You’ll do great.” Despite the stress and pressure I felt from all this, her reassurance told me to expect the best and relax about my future. Read More »

Question for our dear friend Tuffinski?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and just maybs, just maybs, get a response.

Dear Tuffy Love,

I have a major crush on my RA. I know it’s wrong and the chances of something happening are almost zero, but I can’t seem to get rid of these feelings. He is super hot and funny and sweet and sooo cool. The problem is (other than the fact that he’s my RA) that he’s a senior and I’m only a freshman. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between acting on my feelings and pretending they don’t exist.

I have a huge fear of rejection and I’m afraid of getting hurt and awkwardness. But it’s come to the point where I want to do something. I want to know if he feels the same way even a little. But I don’t even know how to go about approaching him about it. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? He does seem to give me preferential treatment over the other residents, but that could mean nothing. Help!

-Conflicted Read More »

Don't run away from me. I'll get you!

I just went on a date with a guy who blathered on about himself (which is only okay when I do it!), and referred to women as, and I kid you not, “dumb bitches.” Since said date last Friday, he has not called me.

And I really, really hope he does.

Look, I like to consider myself an intelligent, rational person. But what I will never get is why a person becomes 10 billion more times appealing to me when they don’t want me. The day after our date, I was actually dreading the dude calling me…I didn’t want to spend a second evening with the most egotistical person since Tucker Max (who he, by the way, actually quoted. Good role model!). But as each day went by and no call came…I suddenly found myself only focusing on his good qualities. He was smart. He was cute. He was funny (maybe he was joking when he said women were dumb bitches…). Why was his unavailability suddenly turning him from nightmare to dreamboat? Read More »

So ABC’s new show, “Dating in the Dark,” is weird. Like, really weird. Three girls and three guys meet in the pitch dark, often make out, and then get to see one another. They then have to decide if they want to go on actual dates with the people they have just seen.

Wait, that’s not so weird. It sounds like the same thing that happens nightly in college bars from coast to coast. Only on TV.

Much like the feeling of repulsion that has come over many of us after last call, the people on the show who really hit it off in the dark aren’t such fans of each other once the lights flip on.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but this doesn’t really cast people in the best light (no pun intended), right?

Maybe it’s because I’m most often attracted to a guy’s personality before I start to find him cute, but I can’t imagine rejecting a dude on the basis of looks alone if I’ve already felt a strong connection with him. I wouldn’t date a guy that I wasn’t attracted to, but personality totally takes a guy from zero to ten (OK, maybe 5 to 10). If I liked him in the dark, especially enough for a little tonsil hockey, I’d like to think I’d be happy in the light, too.

But that is not what’s happening here. Read More »

I remember when my best friend handed me a well-worn copy of He’s Just Not That Into You. I had been dealing with a rather strange relationship involving a boy who loved to spoon and cuddle, but had zero interest in trying to jam his tongue down my throat.

“Just read it,” she urged.

And I did. In fact, I spent the next 6 hours curled up in my papasan chair having aha moment after aha moment. I realized at long last that there are so many obvious signals guys were sending that I just refused to acknowledge. And now that I had, I was able to move on to greener pastures…or boys who liked to snuggle AND see me naked.

Four years and a film adaptation later, I sit here – still single – wondering if instead of fixing my dating ways, He’s Just Not That Into You has totally effed up my ability to find or maintain a relationship.

As we all know, the purpose of the book was to remind women that guys are simple creatures and if they are into you, they will let you know. If they aren’t introducing you to their parents, they aren’t into you. If they aren’t calling you back after you hook up, they aren’t into you. You get the gist.

And while all of that makes sense, it seems (to me, at least) a little too black and white for real life. I get that guys are really easy to read, but I have come to see that this book is just pushing women to reject men before the men reject them.

Men that probably don’t want to reject them, mind you.

The book sets the bar so high that it is almost impossible for guys to make the grade. Yes, guys should call right away when they are into you, but not all of them do. Some of them get busy, some of them don’t know if you are into them, and some of them just prefer to poke you on Facebook. Yet, when he doesn’t call or text immediately (or take you home for Thanksgiving after dating for 3 months) we freak out, hit the bottle (hard), cry a little bit (to the sounds of John Hiatt blaring from iTunes), and write that bastard off.

“I don’t need to sit around and wait for someone. He’s clearly not into me.” Read More »

I’m sure every sexy CC reader has gotten the awkward “Can I have yo numba?” from a not so appealing guy. While some of you are fine with flat out saying “No,” I’m looking to all the other ladies who  decide to give up their numbers (or more…) “just to be polite.” Now as Miss Manners, I am a huge advocate of good etiquette, but is humoring a guy you’re not really interested in really being polite?

Miss Manners says: Nope. It’s better and more respectable if you’re upfront with the guy rather than lead him on out of pity/kindness.  And, let’s be honest, you don’t want to have to screen your calls for the next 6 months out of fear that he’s not moving on….

Try one of these tactics to deliver the news instead:

Lie. Ahhh… The cornerstone of all etiquette: the white lie. Apologize and tell him that you have a boyfriend or tell him you dropped your brand new Blackberry down the toilet (true story). Yes, of course lying is bad and oft looked down on, but sometimes a white lie is more forgiving than the truth – as long as you don’t get too crazy with your story (“I have a penis”) and nobody gets harmed in the process.
Be wary of: Betting caught in your lie. Trust me, it’s pretty humiliating and you could end up with the “bitch” label. And news of a bitch spreads fast.

Politely excuse yourself… and run to the nearest restroom/exit. Say, “I’m sorry but I have to go,” with an air of finality so he gets the hint.
Be wary of: Him NOT getting the hint and waiting outside the bathroom door for you. Creepy? Yes. Possible? Definitely. Read More »