A “friend” of John Mayer once explained that the reason he is often so distant and, well, douchey, with his girlfriends is because he had his heart stomped on at 16. He was madly in love, something went wrong, and he promised never to have his heart broken again.

Awwww.

I bet that made you melt, right? I mean, it’s adorable and endearing that heartthrob John Mayer had his widdle heart bwoken! And it finally explains everything from Jessica Simpson to Jennifer Aniston and all those girls in between! It all makes sense. You are totes on Team Mayer now, aren’t ya?

Well not me.

I don’t know about any of you, but I for one am getting sick and tired of forgiving guys’ sins because of their baggage. I understand having a broken heart – because who hasn’t had one of those – but there is a big difference between proceeding with caution after a breakup and trading in heartache for a free pass in all future relationships.

It is so easy to act like a jerk and blame it on a crazy ex, a horrible breakup, or a long and tumultuous dating history, but how is that fair to anyone? And how can we, as women, allow ourselves to constantly forgive someone for treating us poorly?

There are plenty of people out there who have their share of relationship baggage, so it is a bullsh*t excuse for being a bad significant other to the next person who comes into your life. If you have your issues, deal with them, but do not drag some innocent person into your world and continually apologize because, “I was hurt before.”

It’s crap and I’m sick of it.

Deal with your issues, people. It’s not our fault that hussy broke your heart in middle school, so get over it. Need some help? I hear John Mayer’s got some perfect jams to cry to.

[This story was originally posted by Noa - CU Boulder]

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[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up!]

My cousin Big Mary is an inspiration. She is about 70 years old, a retired teacher and absolutely fierce. Although they lived in Virginia, Big Mary, her husband Jim and their daughters Little Mary and Martha would come up to the fine state of Wisconsin at least once a year. Having a very small family, it was always exciting when our cousins with the southern accents would come “up” to visit. My sister and I were always jealous of the tales of school being called off over one measly inch of snow. Ridiculous.

Somewhere over the last ten years or so, Big Mary came up with one of my favorite sayings. She would call to talk to Mom and tell fun stories about life and school in the not so deep south. At one point, it would always come back to Mary’s favorite saying: “Not my problem.” She would say it in a fun accent that reminds me of Gone With The Wind (you know us Northerners, all Southern accents sound the same) and would be copied around my house regularly.

Don’t get me wrong. Mary is kind, funny and warm. She is a great Mom to my favorite cousins. Was a wonderful wife for years as her husband grew ill. A valued teacher, neighbor and friend. But Mary was also a smart and spunky lady who knew what to take responsibility for in her life. She wasn’t saying “I don’t care,” she was saying “I am concerned about that person, but they have to figure it out themselves and I can’t do it for them.”

After flippantly quoting Mary for years, one day I finally got it when I was stressin’ over the guy I was dating. It didn’t matter how much I worried, lectured, empathized, cried or tried to fix his life, I couldn’t. It was literally his problem and he had to work it out. I also realized I needed to accept that maybe they never would. Believing in “the potential,” I thought that if I tried hard enough for the both of us, it would work.  I would justify his bad habits, overlook questionable decisions, ignore hurtful comments and actions because when I focused on his problems, I didn’t have to deal with my own.

Something shifted in me that day. I gave myself permission to let go (literally, I broke up with him a couple of days later). To allow others to make their own choices and deal with the consequences. To support and listen, but let them know that I couldn’t take on their problems anymore. But in the end, it was never really about them. When I had others’ issues or dramas to worry about, I could ignore my own. The only person whose problems I could fix. Pretty silly right?

So I ask you this. What is “not your problem?” Who are you trying to fix? Who are you allowing to behave badly in your life? Who is taking up your precious time? Don’t you think it is time to let go? Need help? That is why we are here.

Get more college love advice on Kira’s new website www.thecollegecrush.com and watch for her on the amazing College Candy Dating Makeover starting in January.

Check out Kira’s other insights into dating here.

Before I entered the world of adult dating, I didn’t really understand the importance of these factors in forming a new relationship. My lovely older sister used to lose her mind when her boyfriend (now husband)’s ex was mentioned, and I couldn’t understand why. She was history, why was the mention of her name so upsetting? I didn’t care about any of MY boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. Of course not, they’d dated as teenagers or college students (when they were drunk most of the time, I’m sure), and topped out at a year, two at the most.

Once I joined the grown-ups, I had a new appreciation for ‘the ex’, as she became a more significant being. My boyfriend was with his ex for 8 years, and when I first found that out, the thought of her made me INSANE. Totally irrational, I know, but I’m working through it. It’s far from complete, and I’m sure it will evolve, as all things do, as I age. But for the time being, here are a few things I’ve found that help deal with this relationship reality in a healthy way.

1. Start Fresh (or, Hide The Evidence)
In any relationship, but especially long-termers, and those involving co-habitation, things accumulate. There is just…stuff. It happens, and it’s okay. Kitchen gadgets, furniture purchased together, all these need not disappear just because the co-puchaser is no longer around. But personal things? You don’t want to stumble upon a pair of women’s shoes in the back of the closet, knowing full well they’re not yours. That’s a little too much. It is certainly within your rights to ask your partner to wipe the slate clean, and make an effort to remove things directly (and obviously) connected to an ex.

But be forgiving. There was a time where I would find a book that my boyfriend had received from the aforementioned long-term ex-girlfriend, and see her name written inside with a date and sweet note, and my head would explode. It didn’t bother me because it made me think about her, it bothered me because I assumed it made HIM think about her. But was it OK for me to ask him to get rid of his favorite book just because she happened to give it to him? No. Yes, her clothes have to go, but his books do not. Pretending he or she never existed will help nothing.

2. Know What You Must – And Nothing More
The question of exes always comes up, be it as a side note in conversation or the topic itself. It’s only natural, in the process of getting to know one another. That said, learn what you must, but be careful what you ask for, and make sure you are ready to hear it. I was dying to know the details of a breakup once, because I was certain that he wasn’t telling me the whole story. It took a very, very good friend to ask me, as I agonized about whether to bring it up: “but…why?” And she was right. I didn’t need to know when she moved out, where she went, and so on, mostly because it has NOTHING to do with me and my relationship. So, lesson learned. Don’t over-pry. This ABSOLUTELY includes internet stalking. Don’t hunt them down on MySpace and Facebook! Stop it! Right now! It it a seductive prospect, and far too many people fall prey to the temptation. If you can’t ask it in person, you know it’s not a healthy activity.

3. Don’t Compare!
When dealing with a long term ex, women especially seem to have a hard time distancing themselves from certain information. Was she taller, shorter, fatter, thinner? Am I prettier than she is? Are there pictures of them on a beach in a part of the world you have always longed to go? These are not things you really need to know, nor, I imagine, do you really want to. What you want is validation that you are the best, loveliest thing that has ever entered his world. When the urge strikes for that validation, remember that you are. He’s not with her anymore – he’s with you!

4. Remember: You have Baggage Too
I have photos of old boyfriends. I have letters, and postcards, and mementos (carefully stashed away, of course). And I have friendships, many of them, with ex-boyfriends, and I am happy to have them. None of these things mean I am still in love with someone in my past. We all have exes, and they are all exes for a reason. Simple though it may seem, remembering it is the quickest way I have found to jar myself back to emotional equilibrium.

Whatever your past, whatever your partner’s past, the truth is you are together now. Appreciate your relationship for its own unique beauty, and respect the experiences that made you who you are and brought you where you are. Don’t ignore the past, but don’t live in it. My parents have been married for 30 years, and frankly, they’ve set the bar pretty high. They make jokes and kissy faces, and seem to still genuinely like each other.  And yet, over a glass of wine, as my sister and I ranted about the women who still haunted us from time to time, my mother narrowed her eyes and said “Jane Raymond.” Seems the sting never quite wears off, but it also never gets in the way.

In this week’s In Touch magazine, a “friend” of John Mayer explains that the reason he is often so distant and, well, douchey, with his girlfriends is because he had his heart stomped on at 16. He was madly in love, something went wrong, and he promised never to have his heart broken again.

Awwww.

I bet that made you melt, right? I mean, it’s adorable and endearing that heartthrob John Mayer had his widdle heart bwoken! And it finally explains everything from Jessica Simpson to Jennifer Aniston and all those girls in between! It all makes sense. You are totes on Team Mayer now, aren’t ya?

Well not me.

I don’t know about any of you, but I for one am getting sick and tired of forgiving guys’ sins because of their baggage. I understand having a broken heart – because who hasn’t had one of those – but there is a big difference between proceeding with caution after a breakup and trading in heartache for a free pass in all future relationships.

It is so easy to act like a jerk and blame it on a crazy ex, a horrible breakup, or a long and tumultuous dating history, but how is that fair to anyone? And how can we, as women, allow ourselves to constantly forgive someone for treating us poorly?

There are plenty of people out there who have their share of relationship baggage, so it is a bullsh*t excuse for being a bad significant other to the next person who comes into your life. If you have your issues, deal with them, but do not drag some innocent person into your world and continually apologize because, “I was hurt before.”

It’s crap and I’m sick of it.

Deal with your issues, people. It’s not our fault that hussy broke your heart in middle school, so get over it. Need some help? I hear John Mayer’s got some perfect jams to cry to.