Dear Dude,

Here’s the situation: about a year ago I lost my virginity to this guy, let’s call him Charlie. I had started to fall in love with him a while before that, but the problem was that he was dating my cousin, let’s call her Carla, and they had been together for about a year. We started talking and hooking up occasionally (no sex) until last December she found out. They broke up and then a few days after that I had sex with him, which Carla also found out about. Charlie and I started seeing each other on a regular basis for about a month or two until I left for a month of vacation. When I came back they had gotten back together, but we still slept together anyways. In February we finally ended our physical relationship, but still kept talking on a regular basis. He was back with Carla and I was completely devastated. In March I met my current boyfriend and decided I was going to get over Charlie and I cut him off from my life in every way for about two months, until one day I couldn’t take it anymore and texted him, which eventually led to talking and hooking up again.

Charlie and Carla had been together until very recently, when they supposedly broke up definitively. I have betrayed my cousin, with whom I don’t speak to since last year, I have betrayed my boyfriend various times (he doesn’t know), as Charlie and I speak almost every day and have sex about once every 1-2 weeks, and I have been feeling like a terrible person for the past year. I have gone to therapy, I’ve told my closest friends and even my mother about this but I still can’t get over this guy. He’s made it clear he wants no relationship from me, but when we are together he is a complete gentleman and the physical attraction between us is the greatest I have ever felt. But I love my boyfriend, too… Do I fight for Charlie like I never actually have, or try to disconnect myself from him once more and try to focus on my relationship with my loving boyfriend? Love or lust? Help!

Dear…Sal Valestra

(Seriously, ladies, please include a pseudonym or I’ll just keep making up geeky names to call you.)

If it were a movie, no one would believe you. Also, not a lot of folks might like you, but some might. There’re no two ways about it: you’ve got it bad for one boy that you’ve never really been allowed to have and have another boy that’s never really had you. Do you confess? Do you fight for the unattainable? First thing to do is look at what this whole thing’s cost you and what it has given you.

It cost you a relationship with your cousin. Of course, you might not have liked your cousin, who knows? Probably not, based on the evidence. You’ve caused yourself to constantly live a lie and live under the possibility of being found out by your current boyfriend. You’ve been playing the other woman to your cousin, who this guy is still very much not over and, additionally, he doesn’t want anything from you. So, you’ve sabotaged, used, been used, betrayed, had lots of great sex, managed to snag a nice boy, keep another guy on the side and set yourself up for a ton more drama. That’s what you’ve taken and given from the situation.

What could you possibly do to top all of that?

It sounds to me like you don’t want your boyfriend. I’m sorry, but the way you’ve treated him just doesn’t make me trust the idea that you love him. Oh, you can hurt people you love, but you can’t keep hurting them and expect your love to gain weight. At least from an outside party’s perspective. You want “Carl.” So, go for him. Dump the boyfriend.

You’ve dug a heck of a hole for yourself and there’s no way you’re coming out of it clean. Period. You can come out of it with a clear sense of what you want and what you need. You want “Carl.” You’ve wanted “Carl” and now’s the time if there was ever going to be one. The question is, does “Carl” want you? Beats me. Sounds like he might and he might not. It might take some time before he gets his head on straight, if ever.

There’s something fascinating about this kind of relationship drama we weave for ourselves. Lust can destroy trust. Lust is a powerful and addictive drug. Like most drugs you have periods where you it helps more than it hurts until it hurts more than it helps. And then you’ll take a break and come back to it. There’s no question it sounds like you’re a bit addicted to what you have with “Carl.” And why wouldn’t you be? I’m not placing blame or judgment on it. Lots of people fall into it. It’s just you betrayed several people at the expense of your drug of choice. And that you can stop right now!

End it with the boyfriend and go after the lust bunny that you really want. Will you end up alone? Maybe. But you might also just get some closure. You could also just tell you BF what you’ve been doing the whole time behind his back and ask for forgiveness. That’s if you want to keep him. Which I don’t think you really do.

I hate to go off on a bit of a rant here but let’s be honest about infidelity: it’s a betrayal and major act of disrespect to the person you’re cheating on. The lines with poly relationships are blurrier and more complex but even in such cases infidelity does still exist. Infidelity is about breaking the boundaries and trust of the relationship you’re in. Whatever those boundaries and trusts are. Violations of that kind are insulting as well as injuring. You can make all the excuses in the world, claim to be out of control, but let’s not scapegoat on hormones or social constructs. People choose to cheat. People choose to violate. People choose to give in. Rarely are you made to at knife-point or gunpoint and then we don’t call it cheating, do we? We call it a far worse act. And make no mistake you haven’t done anything against your will. Now you’ve just got to clean up your mess the best you can.

Make another choice. Move forward. End the duplicity, one way or the other. You’ll be amazed at how much less stress you might find yourself. There will probably be consequences but, hey, cause and effect. All you can do is try to make the next choice as best you can.

Choosing…wisely,

Indiana Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

There’s a great many things to do and places to see in this world of ours.  As humans, our lives are pretty short (and if you party like I do, it’s probably going to be even shorter).  So we have to prioritize!  We have brains for a reason and that reason is…reasoning (well, at least some of us use them for that purpose: see comment about partying above).  Let me be your voice of reason as I show you all the things you should be doing right here, right now.

Sex sells and nobody knows that better than our generation.  We watch hours upon hours of gossip and celebrity news for the latest update on who’s bonking who.  We twitter about the Walk of Shame.  We scour Facebook for photos of last night’s hook-up.  We strut our stuff at the bar/parties/anywhere social, stalk some prey, and make the kill.  Then we share all the details with our friends over Bloody Marys and Sunday brunch.

As much as it pains it to say this, maybe we should…stop.  Seriously.  I was skeptical at first, but after some good ‘ole internet research I might have to have a little chat with my boyfriend (just kidding…maybe).

- Less Drama:  Yes, all relationships have drama, regardless of any sexual component.  However, I’ve noticed that the drama usually increases when people get naked.  Suddenly, your partner’s past becomes much more important and you become extra attached…and why wouldn’t you?  You just exchanged bodily fluids.  No sex = less drama.

- Freedom:  Sex usually involves some preparation, such as spending mucho time in the bathroom shaving, exfoliating, moisturizing, plucking, etc. and picking out matching underwear sets (unless you’re in a long term relationship, in which case most of those go out the window).  Nix the sex and feel the freedom!  Shave only if you want to, wear mismatched underwear, and let the stray hairs roam for a couple more days.  Ahhh…let freedom ring.

- Control:  I can’t count the number of tragic Sundays I have spent recovering from the night before and debating whether I should call first or wait for Mr. Right Now to call.  Sex can complicate relationships and make you feel like you’ve lost control of the situation.  Hell, that’s the theme of most of the episodes of Sex and the City. Why not cut out sex, clear your head and stay in control?

- Less Mess:  Bodily fluids, condoms, hair…once you think about it, sex can be kind of disgusting.  Without sex, you won’t need to worry about getting the horrible smell of latex and sweat out of your bedroom.  Also, chances of finding a pesky condom wrappy hiding under your bed at inopportune moments will decrease dramatically (let’s hope).

- More Time:  All the time you spend sweatin’ it up in the sack with your partner can be used for studying, exercising, socializing with friends, or just relaxing on a beach somewhere.  Just think of how many times sex has gotten in the way of your Medieval Art History homework…

- No babies/STDs:  Without a sex life, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you won’t have that scary moment when you frantically calculate the days between your last period and right now and realize that something might be off.  Also, unless you spend a lot of time rubbing yourself all over public toilets, you’ll be STD free!

- Masturbation = Win:  Most of the benefits you receive from sex can be replicated with  masturbation.  Also, you will develop a deeper understanding of yourself and how you experience pleasure.  When you finally start having sex again (whenever that might be), you’ll know exactly what you want and hopefully, how to communicate that to your partner.

Men are tricky creatures. As much as we may wish we could read their minds, it just isn’t possible (yet… come on, science!). But don’t worry, I have discovered a trick to help us understand them a little more.

We all know guys that have picked up Cosmo from time-to-time (or have a monthly subscription) to help them figure out what their women are thinking. Hell, I bet a bunch of guys are reading CollegeCandy right now to try and figure something out about their girlfriends. Well ladies, we can do the same thing! Taking a peek at the kind of dating and relationship advice guys are being fed is a great way to get into the mind of a dude and see why he acts the way he does. Every Wednesday I’ll be doing just that. Hopefully, this will explain a few things…

This Week’s Article: “Open Up to Her?” from askmen.com.

A reader writes to Doc Love (really? Doc Love?) because he has been having problems with the woman he has been dating for 21 months. He writes: “Caprice is now saying she doesn’t know if we’re compatible. She still says she loves me and is still touchy with me (so I don’t think it’s just Womanese). One of her specific complaints is that I don’t communicate, and that she doesn’t really know me. In your book you say not to talk too much about yourself and only tell her things that will raise her Interest Level. I shut my mouth and make sure I listen, but if she asks what I think about something and I think my answer will lower Interest Level, I don’t say anything. Should I open up more?”

Doc Love’s first move is to remind the writer that he is always right. He says: “”The System” works all the time on everything. If you missed something in the Dating Dictionary or misinterpreted my techniques, then it’s not a problem with my book; it’s a problem with you. So please don’t say it only works ‘up to a point.’” Wow, way to hit that cocky ball out of the park, Doc Love. You really think you have all the dating answers? There isn’t one single situation in the whole world that the Doc Love “system” might not work for?

I’m really hating this guy already.

He continues to give the man some genius advice about how to communicate with a woman: “When Caprice asks what you think about something, you should always come back with something funny. Kid her about whatever she wants to know. In other words, give her what’s called a ‘non-answer answer.’” Because every woman craves sarcasm and avoidance!

Doc Love’s final conclusion on Syward’s problem is that there is absolutely no saving this relationship: “What should you do? There’s only one thing you can do with Caprice now, Syward: Drop her. Being more open with this girl won’t help because she wants to know it all. Don’t go telling her everything about yourself unless it’s positive.”

I finished this article with a giant WTF!?!? in my head. Doc Love should be telling Syward that his  girlfriend is starting to realize that she doesn’t know anything about him because he’s only telling her some perfectly filtered version of his life, as per Doc Love’s “system.” He should tell this guy that now that his girlfriend is in love with him, it’s OK to open up a bit. Isn’t that the point of a relationship in the first place – to trust someone completely with everything you are? She wants to know the real him, the one who has problems and bad days just like everyone else. She wants to be able to have a normal conversation with him that doesn’t end in sarcasm or belittling her concerns.

The fact that Doc Love tells this guy to simply dump the girl is infuriating. Neither one of these people is going to be happy with that and this advice is relationship suicide for Syward. What girl isn’t going to want to get to know more of him in a relationship? If he keeps up this advice, he’ll be single (and probably lonely) forever.

This kind of advice is the reason men and women have such problems communicating. Letting someone into your life and getting to know them is hard, but it’s especially hard if they’re purposely filtering the version of themselves that they let you see. Maybe Doc Love’s system would work on the first few dates, but by the time the relationship gets serious to be considering marriage (as Syward’s is) it’s time to start being honest with each other.

What do you guys think? Do you know any men that seem to be playing the “system”?

A while back, the editor of this very site put out a query: “Give me a Top 10 list of your favorite High School Movies.” I told her I wanted in – after all, who doesn’t love to indulge in a little HS drama? So I sat down and started listing. Only I discovered that including just 10 was more impossible than winning 8 medals in one Olympic games. And I am no Michael Phelps.

So, I listed 10. The first list of what would soon become many. After posting, many of you seemed quite angry with my decisions. Your comments were full of ALL CAPS and lots of exclamation points!!!! You were upset that I had left some classics off the list. Perhaps you didn’t notice the “Part 1″ in the title, or perhaps you just needed everyone to know of your love of The Breakfast Club.

Not that it mattered; I was clearly coming back for round 2. So here it is – another 10 gloriously angsty high school flicks. Get that Smart Pop ready, ladies; these high school dramas are gonna rock your lockers!

11. She’s the Man
In a take on Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, Amanda Bynes is Viola Hastings. In the many twists and turns of the movie, she enters her twin brother’s private school, tries to make the soccer team to beat her school’s team and make her sexist ex cry, get rid of her brother’s obnoxious girlfriend, fall for her… er… her brother’s roommate, and much more. Whew! Amanda is such a power girl in this movie. It’s nothing like my high school experience (I never did the drag thing), but totally entertaining all the same.

12. 10 Things I Hate About You
Are you kidding? Seriously? This movie is on the top of every list. Another Shakespeare twist done right.
Kat rocks!! The tough, sensitive chick lands the hot, caring, bad boy; the college of her dreams; and the Fender Strat! I want to scream in pure bliss. You can laugh at me, but I know you’re squealing on the inside. 10 Things I Hate About You is just too good to be true. (See what I did there? Get it? No?)

13. Jawbreaker
High school, like life, is a hierarchy. Some are at the top of the list, some at the bottom of the barrel. So it makes sense that Fern Mayo wanted to be like Liz Purr. It’s completely tweaked that Liz’s BFFLs accidentally killed her, made her death look like a sick sexual perversion, and turned poor Fern Mayo into Vylette, the newest member of the clique. Be careful what you wish for.

14. The New Guy
Umm. Eliza Dushku’s wardrobe montage was kinda whack, but if I could snap my neck like Dizzy and make people scared I’d totes do it! It’s the ultimate makeover; why go from Geek to Chic, when you can go from Geek to The New Guy??

15. Say Anything…
Dear John Cusack,
I’m gonna keep on loving you, ’cause it’s the only thing I wanna do.
Love Always,
Donnette
Here’s the deal: when someone asks what’s the greatest thing you ever did for love what will you say? Lloyd Dobler can say anything (almost). The infamous boom box scene where Lloyd stands outside Diane Court’s window and plays In Your Eyes is a top rated classic, but who can forget the date where he’s shivering because he’s happy. And yes, Diane was so deeply touched by his vulnerability that she “spent the night with him” and told her dad about too. If you’ve forgotten, go watch this movie again! Now!

16. Can’t Hardly Wait
I’m LOLing just thinking about this! Typical-guy-misfit-is-enamored-with-teen-queen-and-waits-until-graduation-to-tell-her-after-her-jock-boyfriend-dumps-her-then-she-finds-herself-and-gets-letter-from-misfit-and-tries-to-find-him-but-he-finds-her-and-she-thinks-he’s-a-drunk-creep-and-people-get-abducted-by-aliens-and-Seth-Green-loses-virginity. Whew! Like I said typical. Ethan Embry paves the way for Seth Cohen, Rusty Cartwright, and Paulie Bleeker. Yum.

17. Strike! (Aka Strike! Aka The Hairy Bird)
On one hand, this movie has way too many names. On the other, it’s a Kirsten Dunst flick. Love her or hate her, the girl’s good. At an all-girl prep school in the early 1960s, the girls are flung to the trough of puberty. Ha. So here’s want goes down: Kirsten Dunst and her clique hold meetings and eat stolen ravioli, they have ISSUES: they discuss boys, school, family, the girls who hate them and all of their seemingly massive pubescent drama. I’m already reminiscing…

Anyway, the school decides to go co-ed and Verena (Dunst) became a one-girl revolution. The girls decide to play some games and do some damage when the boys come to visit. This involves bra-stuffing, drink spiking, sex having, cat fighting – your basic no-holds barred war. And don’t you think for a moment that it ends there. The best is yet to come.

18. Carrie
This movie is the reason why I was nice to everyone in high school. Seriously. Okay no not seriously, but it definitely made me fear anyone with that name. Regardless, it’s a fun one to watch (with people that, you know, like you).

19. The Breakfast Club
GREATEST MOVIE EVER!!! Great cast, great costumes, great plot, great, great, great! Since I have no words I’ll let Brian’s (Anthony Michael Hall) letter speak for me.

Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. What we did was wrong, but we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay, telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. You see us as: a brain, an athlete, a basket case, princess, and a criminal. Correct? That’s the way we saw each other at 7 o’clock this morning. We were brainwashed.

I am forever devoted to The Brat Pack.

20. Mean Girls

In junior high and high school, I’m sure you’ve encountered these *insert derogatory word here*, but they’ve got nothing on Regina George. She’s sweet and sour, impeccably dressed, and knows how to rock the school. Until Lindsay Lohan comes along. Tina Fey totally hit the mark with this movie and it will forever be a classic. It’s just so…fetch!