Question for Her Tuffness?! Ask it at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and Tuffy’ll try ‘n’ be nice. No promises.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m going to college in the fall, and my love life needs major help. I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for about 3 years now, and it’s been shaky at best. We started out the first year strong, always together, resolving to not care what others thought, the usual.

As time went on, we started to fight more, and it was always over little things. We hate each other’s friends (she goes to my old school, which is just right down the road), school work started getting heavy, she got a job, and we both fought to keep a social life while still seeing each other.  Throughout the 3 years, we’ve broken up numerous times, and only once for a good reason (she was fooling around with another woman and denied it!). The trust hasn’t ever returned since that incident, even though it never happened again.

Now college is starting, and she wants to live together next year, because our colleges are right down the road and neither of us are living on campus. The thing is, I don’t know if I even want to be with her anymore, let alone stay with her. College is supposed to be the best time of your life, but I feel like living- and continuing to see her- is seriously going to put a damper on that. Besides all that, I’m not even sure if I still love her; we never see each other anymore, and when we talk too much we usually argue.

But every time we break up, I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m not sure if it’s because my social life lately has sucked, because I actually want to be with her, or because I just want her to know that when she loses me, she is losing a great thing! I am smart, funny, and have big goals in life. Oh, and living alone next year would suck, because I’d have to pay all the bills alone (no one else is going to my college).  What should I do?

Sincerely,
Undecided Read More »

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Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been with my boyfriend for a couple weeks now. We are still getting to know each other and trying to take it slow. He is a 21 year old that has a steady job, his own place and a nice car; he’s definitely got it together. He’s planning on going back to school for his Master’s next fall. Here”s the problem: he is an ex gang member and I`m pretty sure he used to deal drugs as well.

All of that happened when he was fairly young, I wanna say maybe when he was 13 till he was about 16 or 17. He was very honest about his past and the way he explains it is that he had friends who did it and so he got caught up in it as well. He’s by no means proud of his past but he is definitely willing to talk about it if there`s questions. He has tattoos, most of which are not visible but he does have the three dots on both hands representing the gang he was in. The tattoos are very faded now, but if you pay close attention you can see them. I really like this guy and believe that people can change, especially when they have done something like that at such a young age. He basically moved away from all the gang activity and drugs to start over.

My only concern with this entire situation is that he may one day go back to all of that. Also, how will all of this affect him in the future? How will it affect our relationship? His past worries me because of what my family is going to think about him. How do I prepare them for him and his past? How do I go about this so that they dont freak out? I’m sure once they meet him they’ll think differently but until then they wanna know about him and this is something I can’t keep from them. What should I do?

Thanks,
Does the past really stay in the past

Dear Does the Past,

I gotta level with you. When I saw the phrase “ex gang member,” my heart sank.

This is dangerous territory, honey. Gangs are nothing to be messed with. So let’s look at this from a couple of angles:

(1) He may still be in a gang. From what Tuffy understands, it’s really, really, really hard to leave gangs once you’ve joined them, especially if you were involved in stuff that was illegal. You need to find out the truth here. Sit him down and have a real heart-to-heart. When did he last work for these people? What, exactly, was his involvement? Did he ever do anything violent? Did he ever go to jail?

From there, you need to decide if he seems like he’s still violent (if he ever was, chances are he still has the capacity for violence) and whether or not you believe that he’s really done with that gang lifestyle. You didn’t say what he’s doing for a job now, but you did imply he’s got money. Make sure it’s really coming from his day job.

You do NOT want to hook up with a guy in a gang. It’s very dangerous. Don’t get yourself into a situation you can’t get out of.

Or:

(2) He really has left that all behind him. Look, sometimes bad things happen to good people. Maybe his childhood was less than desirable and he got caught up in some shiz he now, as a good person and functioning adult, regrets. If this is the case, there’s no reason to be embarrassed of him. If he really has reformed, what does it matter what he did for three years of his teens? As long as he would never, ever, EVER go there again, there shouldn’t be a problem.

But! If it is number 2 and you still find yourself being ashamed, there’s no point in continuing the relationship. If you’re not okay with his past, you shouldn’t string him along hoping you’ll eventually get over it. At this early stage in the relationship, it’s all about your comfort level, baby.

Be careful, girl. I really hope he’s legit and cool now and that that’s all behind him. Just make sure you know for real before you start investing too much into a guy you may or may not be able to trust.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question for La Tuff?! Email your questions to AskTuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and get an answerino.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve known this guy C for a little over a year now. He used to live across the hall from me – we were study buddies, and we hung out a couple of times. All my friends thought he liked me but he never asked me out or anything. Over the summer, one of my close friends interned with him, so I know what he was doing and he knows everything that happened to me. But we only talked, like, a couple of times over the phone.

Even though this semester we live in different areas, we still have one class together and we’ve been seeing each other over the weekends… and we made out multiple times. I haven’t told any of my girlfriends yet, because they would just tease us nonstop. One thing made me nervous is that he only comes to see me on weekends after he is slightly drunk. I don’t know if I should ask him where he thinks we are going or not. I don’t want to sound desperate, but I really don’t think this is a healthy relationship. Do you think he just wants to be FWB? What should I do?

Thanks.
Juli Read More »