Proposition 8 was overturned, and now we have to see that lesbian comedienne Ellen Degeneres as the new face of JCPenney? Where on EARTH will I shop now? Ladies, we’ve got to do something about this. Let’s protest that crazy talk show host so that her homosexuality doesn’t taint all our kids’ back-to-school clothes and our Christmas shopping.

Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating the thought process of a member of One Million Moms, a conservative group that’s got their high-leg briefs in a twisted bunch because out and proud Ellen Degeneres is the new JCPenney spokesperson. The group issued a statement following the company’s announcement:

“Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families. More sales will be lost than gained unless they replace their spokesperson quickly. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war then their brand transformation will be unsuccessful…By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JCPenney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years.”

Fox News contributor Sandy Rios, who supports the One Million Moms perspective, summed up this week’s Hot Button Issue while on The O’Reilly Factor: ”The problem is that Ellen DeGeneres has chosen to act out her lesbian lifestyle and marry her partner, it’s what that represents,” she said. “And the fact that JCPenney is supposed to be middle America, the place where families shop…and people who believe that marriage is between a man and woman and children should not be exposed and propagandized in homosexuality have a moral problem with that.”

Well I’m sorry, Sandy, and the members of One Million Moms, but America—the land of opportunity, the land of the free and the home of the brave—is changing. And for the better. Thank goodness it’s been allowed to change, or else women would never be able to proudly make a buck in any workplace and we’d still stupidly have slaves everywhere who each only count as three-fifths of a person. Though the country has managed to acknowledge the basic human right of being considered an entire person to these minority groups, why can’t such a given be also applied to those who aren’t perfectly heterosexual? Those who choose to be both free AND brave?

If you’re protesting Ellen’s employment with JCPenney, you’re asking that the company discriminates based on her sexual orientation. Hm, discrimination definitely sounds like one of “the negative influences our children are forced to contend with”—you know, the part of society’s “filth” that you should be working to fight, rather than avoiding the hilarious and kindhearted Ellen Degeneres and every product she’s ever endorsed. I’m guessing you’re missing out on the greatness that is CoverGirl LashBlast Mascara and the daily dose of awesome on The Ellen Degeneres Show. Oh man, your kids must have never even seen the movie Finding Nemo! Do you tell them that they can’t go on the Submarine Voyage ride at Disneyland because that funny blue fish is the voice of an evil lesbian?!

Oh, and by pushing Ellen down and calling her names, you’re being a bully. That’s right, One Million Moms, all 40,000 of you are guilty of anti-gay bullying.

Thankfully, the group’s protests and cries were no matter for the department store, as the company stood behind their decision. And yesterday, the free and brave Ellen Degeneres addressed her haters and, therefore, her motivators, on her talk show. ”I’m proud and happy to say that JCPenney stuck by their decision to make me their spokesperson. Which is great news for me because I also need some new crew socks.”

On a more serious notes, she continued, “I really want to thank everyone who is supporting me…Here are the values I stand for. I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you’d want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. That’s what I stand for.“

To be honest, I’m surprised that One Million Moms even had the time to jumpstart a JCPenney protest. The group has also requested action against Macy’s, ABC’s Modern Family and Mattel. Don’t shop at Target for promoting the destructive program that is Degrassi, don’t watch Dancing With The Stars because the show “aired a definition of ‘transgender’” and don’t support Ben & Jerry’s because of their “tasteless” ice cream flavor names. Thank goodness—that means there’s more Schweddy Balls for me!

Watch Ellen’s full speech now. It’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, it’s all things Ellen Degeneres.

Should JCPenney be concerned about losing conservative customers? Or will they gain more respect for taking a stand?

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

It’s not easy being gay. In a world where heterosexuality is the norm and homosexuality has often been seen as more than just a religious taboo throughout history—you know, when legitimately recognized at all, that is—the LGBT community has worked tirelessly to declare that sexual preference is not a “preference” at all; instead, the nature vs. nurture arguments now lean more toward a “I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way” mantra. However, is it necessarily a winner-takes-all conclusion in the homosexuality debate? According to Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon, maybe there’s more than one way to be gay. And ton of people are pissed off about it.

I’m pissed off too, to be honest. I’m pissed off at the people who are pissed off about it. In this week’s Hot Button Issue, I invite you to read the following carefully, because a lot of vocal opinions on the Internet are getting it all just a little bit twisted…in my opinion.

Actress Cynthia Nixon, whom we know as Miranda Hobbes on Sex and the City, has always been a peculiar case study for the LGBT community: she was happily in a relationship with a man for 15 years (they even had two kids together), but she’s been dating a woman since 2004. Though her sexual orientation seemed to have made a switch, she has said in the past that she didn’t feel like she was necessarily lying to herself or hiding anything. ”I’d been with men all my life, and I’d never fallen in love with a woman,” she told The Daily Telegraph in 2007. ”But when I did, it didn’t seem so strange. I’m just a woman in love with another woman.”

Many gay activists call her midlife switch in sexual orientation disingenuous, and Nixon chose to defend her relationship by controversially stating that for her, homosexuality is a choice. She explained to the New York Times Magazine:

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

Opponents argue that defining Nixon’s gayness isn’t about Nixon at all; it’s about how she’s abusing her elevated platform as a celebrity with comments that can not only further confuse young people who are struggling with their sexuality in silence, but also give conservatives some free ammunition to use against the LGBT community as they continue to fight for equal civil rights. Unfortunately, this is partly true, as people who are famous for something seem to automatically become spokespeople and advocates for something else (Demi Lovato fighting eating disorders, Rihanna speaking up against domestic violence, etc.). Cynthia Nixon just wants to worry about Cynthia Nixon, but she may have given up that right when she signed on for her first big acting role.

The thing about Nixon is that she refuses to call herself bisexual; she genuinely states that she was straight before, but she’s gay now. Political blogger and gay activist John Aravosis called her out on the supposed misnomer of her sexual orientation: “It’s not a ‘choice,’ unless you consider my opting to date a guy with brown hair versus a guy with blonde hair a ‘choice.’ It’s only a choice among flavors I already like.  And if you like both flavors, men and women, you’re bisexual, you’re not gay, so please don’t tell people that you are gay, and that gay people can ‘choose’ their sexual orientation, i.e., will it out of nowhere.  Because they can’t.”

Supporters of Nixon’s views say that whether people of the LGBT community say their sexual orientation is rooted in nature or nurture, it won’t actually make a positive difference in fighting the good fight. “Ask African Americans if they think being ‘born that way’ helped during the hundreds of years they fought for equal rights, or ask women about being born that way and how that helped get the right to vote or other rights,” wrote Windy City Times editor Tracy Baim in The Huffington Post. She also pointed out that religion is also a ‘choice’ that right-wing opponents seem to recognize, but ignore that of gender or sexuality. “If they hate us, they hate us, and how we got this way just doesn’t compute in their narrow minds.”

And after seeing both sides of the Hot Button Issue and agreeing with all the good intentions on the table, I feel like these members of the LGBT community are simply arguing over technicalities at this point. If being gay means something different to Cynthia Nixon than it does to John Aravosis, then can’t both definitions exist? She isn’t attacking anyone else’s sexuality; she’s only speaking out about her own. Why attack a fellow soldier whose sword isn’t even threatening you at all? Like Tracy says, there’s a different enemy that the community might be losing sight of, because of this.

Actually, both sides seem to still have a common goal in mind: so many say that these comments will confuse young kids who are currently debating and simply trying to figure their way around what they’re feeling, but what seems to be more confusing to me, a straight person in shock of all this controversy, is how these people of the LGBT community seem to be attacking each other’s worth. Does this environment seem like a safer place than the world where one is held against a harsh heterosexual standard, a place where you won’t be judged by your sexual orientation? Even more so, maybe Nixon’s controversial comments will actually help those young people out there who actually hope to choose to be gay but didn’t know they could! Can people still explore their sexuality after being in a heterosexual relationship or two? Yes, says Cynthia Nixon, you can, and it doesn’t necessarily negate the love you had for those of the opposite sex at the time.

And if we’re gonna get technical about timelines and titles, is a virgin who has never been in a relationship still straight, even if she’s never found a man she’s been attracted to? Just a thought.

I know it’s an important conversation, but it’s not that important and worth fighting over to the point where people forget what is actually worth fighting FOR. And sadly, that greater fight is still far from over. Whether “born this way” or bred into another, Cynthia Nixon is simply saying that we are who we are, right here, right now, and that’s all that matters. That’s all that needs to be accepted, at any point. “Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate?” Nixon asked in the NYT interview. “It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate.”

Who is to say who we’ll be attracted to tomorrow, and who is to blame for who you were attracted to yesterday? Whether straight, gay, bisexual, or still figuring it out, your sexual orientation is yours and yours alone, and the only person who could ever have any kind of definition on the matter is the one you love, because that person’s gender—not their opinion—might change that label.

Can homosexuality be a choice for some people? Are Cynthia Nixon’s comments completely out of line, or are John Aravosis’ blogs overstepping personal boundaries?

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

Finally, a headline we’ve been waiting for since 2003: Vanessa Bryant has filed for divorce from Kobe Bryant! Like countless other celebrity/California divorces, she cited “irreconcilable differences.” Also known as “you cheated on me one too many times, so I stayed with you through all your court trials and championships so that I could get my half of it all in 2011.” Yep, the Laker who plays for $25 million per year (and counting) did not have a freakin’ prenup. Maybe that’s not something you really think about when you get engaged six months after meeting on a music video shoot.

More power to you, Vanessa! Keep your head held high, and put your fist up in the air — you know, the one with that 8-carat purple diamond ring on it that’s worth $4 million alone. Collect your spousal support, take care of Natalia and Gianna and enjoy the fabulously single life, because your divorce is one of the Most Necessary Breakups of 2011 (well, in general, really)…congratulations!

Who else made the list? You know, all those whose headlines kinda made you smile with relief and gave you hope in humanity again. Let me refresh your memory…

initiating the gallery...

Who else thankfully called it quits? And who do you think still needs to? Hey, the year isn’t over yet, there’s still a chance they’ll come to their senses!

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

Last week I was home for Thanksgiving, going through old yearbooks, blaming the dirty dishes in the sink on my siblings and getting nostalgic for everything else from my childhood.  My mind went from Beanie Babies (tags on, obvi) to my American Girl dolls and then onto weirder things like Ask Jeeves and his search engine. Now it’s hard to believe there was anything before Google. But back in my middle school days, Ask Jeeves was a fricking genius and there was no one I trusted more.

So I did what any girl with an old crush would do. I started tweeting. And while it started out on a promising note (and dare I say, flirtatious!), it went downhill pretty quickly.

Check out the gallery below to see how my high profile romance went sour so quickly.

I only have one question left…hey @AskJeevesDotCom, why did you lead me on? Make me fall in love? And then dump me so quickly!?

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My roommate forced me to get an account on plentyoffish.com, where I actually met a really nice guy, Ryan.  We started talking and I found out that we went to the same high school, and graduated the same year (coincidence!).  We talked on Plenty of Fish for a few days and then I gave him my phone number (we did go to high school together, after all).

Everything was going GREAT and we really hit it off.  He’s Catholic, I’m Catholic. He’s a Republican, I’m a Republican.   He works construction, and he seems like a really nice person.  We have a lot in common and we remember each other from high school, kind of.

Here’s the PROBLEM. Every time we make plans to hangout, he ALWAYS backs out.  I mean I talk to the guy for at least an hour a day (texting, calling, Facebook, etc) and he won’t meet up.  He asked me out on a date once and I said sure and then we decided to meet at this concert we both wanted to go to. I told him to bring a friend, and I brought a friend…he never showed.

He always asks me out and asks me to hangout with him but then when we plan on meeting somewhere he stands me up or complains because he doesn’t want to meet my friends because it would be “awkward.”  YES of course it will be awkward at first, but have a few drinks, loosen up!

I think it would be awkward if we met just the two of us for the first time (since high school) without friends or at least alcohol present.  Am I wrong?  Should I meet him for lunch just the two of us, or should he just grow some BALLS and suck it up…meet my friends and ME?

I have a feeling that he might be the one…just from what we talk about and everything, but if we never meet, how can we have a relationship? Do I stop talking to him? On the other hand if I pass him up, I might regret it for the rest of my life. Opinion pleasee?!

-Stood up and Shot down.

Dear Stoop up and Shot down,

No! Bad girl!

In other words:

SIT THE FLOOP BACK DOWN.

Something is obviously SERIOUSLY wrong. He won’t meet up. He’s canceling or just not showing. In spite of you saying that you’re uncomfortable meeting solo the first time, he is insistent (and, in fact, unbudging) in his need to meet you by yourself.

SHADY SHADY SHADY.

No no no, girl. Don’t meet this guy without a friend. I am getting a BAD BAD vibe.

Okay, to be real, he is probably not a serial killer. He’s probably sinister in a much more minor way.

But why take the chance?!

Look, either way, he is purposely making you uncomfortable by insisting you do something you’ve already said you don’t want to do. If he’s already this creepy and pushy and controlling, how do you think he’s going to be in a relationship?!

And you want to MEET this guy?!?!!?!?!

No, girl. Sit. Heel. Stay.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Why do we make noises during sex?

Uh oh: The Nielsen Company knows how often you look at porn

Signs he may be cheating on you

When you’re too tired for sex

What’s the freakiest sex you’ve ever had

Why is the HPV vaccine freaking everyone out??

Why he won’t commit

How much lying is too much in online dating?

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Here’s what’s up. I need you to help me. I NEED you to tell me if I’m being crazy (probable) or right (….also probable *sad face*). So a mere 3 weeks ago, I decided to date one of my best friends. We’ve been close friends for 5 years, best friends for 2 of those years, and he’s liked me for 3. HOWEVER, we never dated because, despite caring about him more than anyone ever, I was never sexually attracted to him. But recently I said, “what the fudge?!” and agreed to date him, and on our first night out as bf/gf, I glanced over, we locked eyes, and WHAM. It hit me. I’ve been in love with this dude for 5 years. This was baaaaaad.

Fast-forward 3 weeks and here I am. Wondering if he likes me. I question every little thing he says, or should I say, DOESN’T say. We never talk anymore!! He always apologizes, saying he just doesn’t have anything interesting in his life (understandable. it’s the summer), but I’m afraid there’s something more going on. We sit there for five minutes without saying anything, and while it’s not awkward, it’s torture on my poor soul! He notices this and tries to make me feel better (he even wants us to do read together so we have something to talk about!), but then we’ll slip back into silence.

Not to say our whole relationship is silence. We’ll have little 20 minute spurts of relationship gold where we make jokes, laugh, delight in our amazing chemistry, we hold hands and he talks about how it’ll be when we’re married, but lo and behold: ANOTHER SILENCE AWAITS just around the river bend…….

So am I crazy or has he really lost hope in trying to date me? Is the fact that we’re still together proof that he still likes me? Is he just nervous/out of things to say? Or do I bore HIM?

Help please : (

Love,
Unluckily Lucky.

Dear Unluckily Lucky,

Girl, you have got to chill out.

I’ma take a leap here and say the weirdness you’re noting in him is actually a reaction to the weirdness you’re giving off.

I mean, you sound totally panicked. Like every time you’re with him, all you can think about is whether or not he loves you.

Girl, you have got to cut that shoop out.

You’re clearly making him uncomfortable, because you’re being weirdly overconcerned with how he sees you/your relationship/EVERYTHING. Then HE acts weird, because you’re acting weird, and then you get worried that he’s weird so you act even WEIRDER and suddenly it’s all silence.

So, okay. Here’s what you should remember.

He likes you for YOU. He’s been in love with you for 3 years as YOU, not as some hyper-worried Stepford Girlfriend who wants her man to be PLEASED WITH HER ALL THE TIME.

Take a deep breath, get your you back on, and go be yourself!!!

I promise if you can do that, your relationship will be the awesome thing it’s meant to be.

Maybe you just need to give yourself a little pep talk. Look yourself in the mirror every time you’re about to see him. Lock eyes with your reflection. And say the following five times, slowly, out loud: He likes me for me.

I swear this works. It’s called a mantra. That’s the power of the mind, kids.

So do the mantra, chill, and be yourself. And go have fun with your guy, for crap’s sake!!!

Tuffy Sez: You can do it. Rah and shoop.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Getting dumped sucks. The only thing worse is getting dumped with some vague, cliché breakup line. You know the kind – they’re sugar coated, indirect, and straight from a Friends rerun. We can thank TV and movies for offering a plethora of lame excuses to the male population to recycle over and over again instead of offering us the real reason why they are ending our perfect romance.

Sound familiar? Luckily, these lines can be decoded, so grab that pint of Phish Food and read on for some clarity.

You’re Too Good For Me

Translation: I’m Too Good For You
He thinks he deserves someone better and is attempting to slip out of the relationship without having to do too much damage control. Whether or not he really means it, you probably are too good for him.

It’s Bad Timing Right Now

Translation: You’re Not Worth the Effort
What’s better than having a girlfriend at your side during a stressful off-season, a nasty econ class or whatever else college throws your way? Nothing, if you actually value the relationship. When life gets hectic, you make time for the important stuff and tend to get rid of the things that don’t matter much, like a girlfriend you’re not super excited about.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Translation: It’s Not Me, It’s All You
Ah yes, the classic. We’ve all heard of someone using this, or worse, muttered those words ourselves (guilty). Sure it’s a gracious attempt to ease the pain but really just kind of lame. When someone says this they really mean to say, “When you get super jealous all the time it pushes me away,” or “I am just not that into you,” but self-blame seems to be an easier way out. It’s over so move on.

I Don’t Want To Lose My Best Friend

Translation: The Sex Really Wasn’t As Hot As I Thought It Would Be

It’s plea to go back to the friend zone, which may or not may be possible. He may love venting to you and discussing his problems, but the sex was just terrible. The friend to girlfriend development just didn’t pan out as he’d hoped.

I like You So Much, But I’m Scared of Commitment

Translation: You’re Cool But I’d Rather Hook Up Whomever I’d Like Until Someone Great Comes Along.
He doesn’t feel like committing to you while he can still attract all of the other babes on campus. Why attempt this? Because without the title he gets you (while you wait for him to change) and he can act as he pleases at all of the college parties. Then when someone does tickle his fancy or he gets tired of the lonely frat-star life, his fear of commitment will suddenly change. After you of course.

This Is Moving Too Fast

Translation: I’ve Got A Stage Five Clinger!
Excessively sending FB relationship requests and dropping the word boyfriend before officially having “the talk” pushed him far away. He wanted to keep things casual but that’s not what you were hoping for. Result? Break up.

I’m Not Looking For a Relationship Right Now

Translation: I Am Looking For a Relationship Right Now, Just Not With You
You don’t want to waste your time in a relationship that won’t go anywhere anyway. It’s not right, so call up the next hottie in your contacts list.

Look, these may sound harsh, but the truth hurts. And you know what? So does getting dumped, no matter how it’s packaged. So accept the harsh reality and move on. The quicker you get over it (and get your head out of that brownie sundae) the sooner you’ll find the guy that will love everything about you enough to never utter these bullsh*t excuses.

Recently, a few of my friends and I got into a bit of a disagreement over who pays on a date. Although a few people agreed with me that if the relationship is long-term, the couple should split the costs for practical reasons (after all, especially if you’re on a college budget, it’s hard to bear the burden of all expenses), the overall consensus was that the guy should always pay at first. Some said the first date, some the first three dates, and others advocated up to the first year. My friends argued that if he’s trying to win the girl over, this is the way to do it. Some even joked that it was payment in exchange for what they hoped would be a different type of payment later on.

Personally, I’m still in disagreement with the others on this one. The idea of letting anyone pay for me is just. . . wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and goes against every fiber of my feminist being. I’m a strong, self-sufficient woman; I work and take care of my own personal expenses, so why should I have a guy do it for me? And, even more to the point, why should I allow him to pay for me if I can’t pay for him? If we’re going for equality, then why is he footing the bill every time?

At the same time, I can see my friends’ point: the way our society functions, refusing to let a guy pay is usually a girl’s way of expressing disinterest. Social protocol practically dictates that if you like the guy, you let him pay.

Which, to me anyway, is a little twisted.

It’s not just paying though. There are plenty of cases in which being a feminist – or even just embracing feminist ideologies – makes things all the more difficult to figure out. We all know the whole career versus family scenario; since the woman’s place used to be the home, now that we’re in the workforce we’re always trying to balance both. But what about life goals and focuses, especially in college?

The two things that seem to dominate my life, my thoughts, and my conversations are school and boys. Everything is about one thing or the other. But the former always takes priority – it has to, right? We’re in college for education and a chance at our dream careers first, and romance second. That’s why so many people I know are so upset over a friend of mine choosing to graduate early and just work until her boyfriend’s business has taken off so she can become a wife and woman of leisure. She’s throwing away her entire potential for a guy and an old-fashioned idea that women are defined in society by their husbands’ successes rather than their own.

But, on the other hand, she’s not constantly talking herself out of liking a guy or making a move. Another friend and I have been talking about how she needs to hold off on figuring out her guy issues until after her MCAT. And yeah, that’s a life-directing test, but I’ve put off confronting a guy until after my debate competition, after a paper, after an exam- there’s always something academic to justify why dealing with romantic problems has to wait. And wait. Because school always comes first, should always be the focus, and I should never, ever let a boy sway my focus. On anything. Not even the optional one-paragraph writing assignment for the class in which I’m pulling an A.

Part of it, obviously, is the drive to do well. But part of it is also a reflection of the roots of that family versus career conundrum. You want to have the success and happiness that women fought for- and that you genuinely want and have worked for- but you can’t figure out how to balance that with the hormones and the simple desire to have someone in your life. Anytime you start to focus on guys, it feels like you’re sacrificing part of yourself, of your work. But how much are we sacrificing for this idea that career is everything?

Don’t get me wrong- I work hard, and I have a strong sense of where I want to be in five years. I have a career and a life all planned out. I want to work in international human rights, travel, save the world and the people living in it. But I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where a guy would fit in. And even now in college, I have my classes, my thesis, a job, clubs, projects- things that will help me achieve. But at what cost? I feel like I’ve been so worried about betraying my feminist ideologies that I’ve purposely pushed any chance at romance not just to the backseat, but hanging out of the trunk.

And sure, even if I were to make concessions I’d still have issues letting a guy pay for me. But does it really have to be that strict of a trade-off? Or is there a balance we’re just not seeing?

[This story was originally posted by Rachael - University of Miami.]

Okay Ashley, I get it. You’re ready to get married, start a new life … and just now, are realizing that to do so the man you’re going to marry should probably be interested in you. And another thing, enough with the feelings talk, I’m falling asleep faster than you were when Ryan went off on his water heater tangent. Let’s be real, you were out like a light before he finished his bottomless water heater speech.

Girlfriend needs to get in check, just this week she allegedly slept with two guys, was dumped by another one, AND rejected a fourth one. Clearly homegirl has her hands full, but don’t worry I’m here to break it all down for you.

Threesomes in Fiji: 

This week our favorite lady dentist got three one on one dates, which means, if you’ve been paying attention, the men tell all is this Sunday and the finale is a week from yesterday (a little bit excited? Yeah me too).

Her first one-on-one was with Ben F. They went on a boat during the day where they rubbed each other down with sun screen and Ashley tried to convince him to kiss her toe. They were able to keep their day date nice and light, it wasn’t until the night that things started getting deep…the guy who once referred to love as “the L word” is finally coming around. With remarks like “I’m available today” or that he’s “coming around to this whole ‘I love you thing’” — all things that I’m sure put Ash at ease. But then again, he did accept a rose, and spent the night with Ash in a big bed, so maybe homeboy has just been getting some selective editing.

The second one-on-one was a doozy. Well, first it was with Constantine … so I’m sure girlfriend was already confused when she opened the door to Ben F.’s look-a-like. The high-light of the date, for me, was when he apologized for his “Euro Mullet” hair do. Their day date was spectacular: they went on a helicopter ride (*cough* stolen from Brad’s date with Ash *cough*) to a gorgeous island where they swam under a waterfall and talked about, you guessed it, feelings. Not only did she confront him on how many houses he looked at before he settled (108), but then laid it out. She needs someone more emotional and willing to just dive into a relationship, I mean this is The Bachelorette after all … shouldn’t that be a requirement? The night part of the date didn’t end so well, Constantine rejected the fantasy suite card and Ashley all in one fell swoop. With that, the twin departed to go back to his greek roots and find a nice greek girl to marry.

Finally, after a half an hour of being cock blocked by the president, it’s JP’s one on one. The date we’ve all been waiting for.  The light romantic music picks up, we see a jump into the arms spin around hug. It’s clear they are in love. They hop into a plane together and set off for a private island stay, after some interesting underwater movements JP gets to confessional time: “When I look at Ashley I see the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with,” and of course ABC follows it up with Ash’s comment: ”When I look at him, I feel like I could smile forever.”  I’m going to save you from the rest of the detailed date, just know that it gets even more sickly sweet AND Ash is seen in a see-through shirt with a black lingerie set underneath. Oh JP totally went for the fantasy suite…pretty sure he didn’t even breathe until she took out the note card.

One is a lonely number: 

The surprise Bachelor was none other than Ryan, the crazed water heater guy. The one who brought Ash to tears, than spent 10 minutes trying to fake cry on camera, asked Chris Harrison if he could come back and ask beg Ashley for a second chance. It was more awkward than the time Fergie peed on stage. After three days of walking on the same beach and looking meaningfully into the ocean he got his answer. Which was a big fat No.

An Unnecessary Rose Ceremony:

Even though Ash was left with two roses and two men she still held a ceremony, because she now saw that for this to work the men had to actually like her back. Weird, right?

Up Next:

Sunday: Men tell all, not only do we get some more Bentley, but the Masked Man (Jeff) is back as well!

Monday: The finale! The boys meet Ashley’s family and perhaps a proposal?