So you’ve managed to evade being trampled to death while gift shopping so far, and you’re only massively in debt, as opposed to hopelessly. The radio plays ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ and while you aren’t quite sick of it yet, you’re the equivalent of being mildly nauseous. So how do you make it to December 26th without losing your mind?

1) Stay away from shopping centers – Unless you specifically wish to be run down in the parking lot of your local Target or mall, stay away from every shopping location with more than 50 parking spaces until at least the third week of January. Why? Pre-Christmas Sales, Last Minute Shopping Runs, Post-Christmas Sales, and It’s-January-There’s-No-Reason-For-Sales Sales. You have better chances of surviving a brisk swim through Bull shark infested waters than making it from your car (parked in the next zip code) to the very first pair of sliding glass doors of some venerable shopping institution.

If by chance you do make it into the store, the crush of people going in every possible direction is certain to disorient you, resulting in an unintentional detour to the Hardware section when you really just wanted to pick up a card.

2) Don’t OD on Christmas music – With the commercials looping constantly, a certain famous Mariah Carey song on thirteen stations at a time, and your little sister playing her Disney Christmas CD around the clock at a level just loud enough to be audible in your room, but not loud enough to get her in trouble, you are bound to go crazy. Decompress from the assault of seasonal media by either moving to Northern Greenland, or simply playing normal CDs instead of listening to the radio. Leave the room temporarily when that irritating holiday car dealership commercial comes on, or if driven to extremes, pitch the television out of your living room window. Read More »

[I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is - in a word - whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month: 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves. Inevitably, variations of the same “ingenious” sex moves, tips tricks, “advice from real guys” (oddly enough, 19-24 year old males speak in the exact manner of Cosmo’s writers) are published every other month. November’s issue does not disappoint, but there were a few gems that even a die-hard Cosmo Girl just ain’t down for.

#2. “Intensify his orgasm by placing two fingers an inch behind his balls and feeling for a dent…For the last 30 seconds before he comes, massage the spot in a circular motion.”

Ok, I’m all for orgasm intensification, but not at the stake of my man’s butthole. Even Cosmo shows a little uncertainty about anal relations (“It’s totally cool…but make sure it’s ok with him first.”—they don’t include a disclaimer about permish before any of their other moves…), so I’m not so ready to venture that close while my target is rapidly thrusting and moving every which way. Additionally, there are tell tale signs that a guy is about to orgasm, but I don’t know if I’m skilled enough to identify them half a minute in advance. Cosmo has this very odd way of giving hyperprecise timing instructions for many of their moves… Read More »

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.

Case in Point: His Body Reveals What He’d Never Tell You

This month, Cosmo attempts to decipher the inner workings of the male mind via seemingly trivial physical cues (again.) You’re man’s scratching his ear? He’s prob cheating on you. What’s that? He blinks more than 50 times in a minute? His favorite sports team is winning. Seriously though, the things that Cosmo interprets from the following random body language are hardly the earth shattering revelations I thought I was in for.

Printed to the nines in red and black boldface, I immediately assume that this article contains crucial, non-regurgitated info. What I find is quite a lot of previously printed concepts, some “DUH” points, and (obv) euphemisms for penises. Read More »

Ah, Thanksgiving traditions.

Some of them are sweet; sitting around a table surrounded by people you love, giving thanks for all the things you’ve been given. Some of them are funny; deep frying an entire turkey or playing board games with a bunch of drunk family members. And some of them, well, some of them we’d really like to never go through again; dodging the inevitable “why are you still single / what are you studying / what are you going to do with a liberal arts degree?” question or watching your uncle’s face turn red as he realizes your politics in no way represent his.

My family has a lot of traditions (many of which include alcohol and loud Italian yelling matches), but one of my favorite things to do every year as a kid was sit down in front of the TV with my aunt and uncle and watch Mystery Science Theater 3000. Read More »