Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost all of college (we’re seniors) and he’s my perfect guy. I never believed in soul mates until I met him. We get along great, we have so much in common, we have almost all the same friends, and it’s just a great situation.

Perfect, right? Well, I thought so.

We’ve  been making plans to move in together, and he seemed totally fine with that, but a couple of week ago I mentioned in passing something about getting married (I know, I know) and he threw a major curveball at me. It turns out that he won’t marry me–unless I convert to Catholicism.

I never knew this was a big deal for him. He doesn’t seem to be very religious (I’ve never seen him go to church except Christmas and Easter) and he’s never brought this up before. But when we talked about it a couple of weeks ago he was really clear that I would need to convert or else it wasn’t going to work.

I thought about it for a while. I’m not religious so I thought, hey, what the heck, maybe I should just do it for him. But then I started getting kind of mad. Why do I have to pretend I believe in something that he never even told me he cared about before? I think it would really upset my parents and, actually, I think it would really upset me, too. I don’t think I should have to pretend to be something I’m not.

I don’t know if I should be mad or break up with him before it goes any further or convert or what. Also, don’t you think it’s kind of suspicious? He can move in with me but he can’t marry me? Is this BS because he just doesn’t want to marry me?

I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Until then, I am

Not Converting

Dear Not Converting,

Okay, this is like–really deep. So–noseplugs, readers.

There’s sort of two possibilities here, neither of which works out in your favor:

(1) It’s bullshoop and he doesn’t want to marry you

or

(2) He is genuinely religious and just doesn’t really practice.

Let’s look at #1 first, because it’s much easier (although maybe suckier).

So, let’s say it’s bullshoop and he doesn’t want to marry you. In this case, it’s like–well, frankly, NC, you’re coming right out of college. No rule says you have to get married at 22. Why not wait a little while and feel it out?! What’s the flooping rush?!

I mean, there’s a 50% divorce rate in the USA, right?! CAN’T WE ALL PLEASE DATE A LITTLE LONGER AND MAKE THINGS EASIER ON OURSELVES?! The fact is, you can never REALLLLLLLLY know another person, no matter how close you are or how much you love them (or even how much you stalk them). But the better you get to know them (read: date for a few years AS AN ADULT at LEAST), the better chance you have of actually, you know, staying together.

And you reallllllly don’t know what living together (especially with adult responsibilities, like rent and jobs) will be like until you do it. You might find out your lifestyles aren’t compatible after all.

So, in other words, if #1 is the reason, I’d say give him a year or two before you mention the marriage thing again. If he’s still resistant–well, then you can think about dumping him. Because, frankly, you should NOT marry someone who doesn’t want to marry YOU.

Okay, now let’s say it’s #2 (reminder: “He is genuinely religious and just doesn’t really practice.”). This is more complicated.

Because, like, you can’t change how you feel.

That sounds dumb, right? But, unfortunately, it’s true.

Just as you, rightfully, feel unable and in fact dishonest about completely changing your worldview, so too does Monsieur Religiouspants find it distasteful to change HIS worldview. And, sorry to say, that’s completely fair.

Well, the truth is, if he really can’t get past the fact that you two are not the same religion, and you really feel strongly about not changing that–then the two of you shouldn’t be together.

I would hope, to be honest, that, if everything else really is as perfect as you say, I would HOPE that you two could find a way to work things out. For instance, you could decide to raise the kids Catholic for him and attend church services with him, as long as he understands that you can’t in good faith (ha! Tuffy!) pretend to be something you’re not.

However, this is a very idealistic look at the situation. Chances are, if it’s an issue of his worrying that you, and possibly he, will be damned, he’s not going to be able to commit. Religious is a very personal and very touchy subject. You have to respect each other’s beliefs.

Frankly, honey, I hope you can work this out. (And I hope he’s not just bullshooping you to get out of marriage, that sneaky bashtard.) Tuffy herself is in an interfaith relationship, and we’ve been able to make it work by respecting each other and trying to participate in each other’s shoop without losing our own.

But, ultimately, you have to be honest with yourselves: Are you both willing to make a compromise on something that’s so important to each of you? Only the two of you can decide that.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Want more tough love? Get it.]

For a lot of my life, I’ve been a religious person. I went on mission trips every summer with my church, I was on my church’s Youth Board, and I attended mass every Sunday (oh yeah, I’m Catholic). So when I got to college, one of the first things I did was to see what campus ministries were available. While other girls were rolling out of bed at 1:00 pm on Sundays and going for a hungover brunch, I was in the student cinema with about a hundred other students praising God.

Because I became so involved with my campus ministry, I met a lot of friends with my same beliefs and morals. While this shouldn’t be a problem in my life, it became one almost from the very beginning. Once people find out that I’m religious, they start to make a lot false assumptions about myself, as well as my friends.

Assumption #1: We are holier than thou

The first thing I always hear is that we are “holier than thou.”  I’ve learned through my experiences that a lot of other Christians have trouble going to church. They say that if they went, it would make them feel like they have to act holy all the time. So this makes it even difficult for me to really express everything I feel about God. I don’t want people pointing out examples of how I’m not leading the most holy life. And I’ll be the first to admit, sometimes it’s easier for me to pick one persona or another. Either the quiet, Christian girl who won’t talk about her problems or the troubled party-goer. A lot of people will argue that it’s not worth going to church because all the pews are filled with a bunch of hypocrites. Sure it’s a valid point, but they’re forgetting why we go to church in the first place.

We go to church because frankly, we aren’t good at being a holy people. We need God (because we aren’t perfect), so we seek Him in church. My friends and I are just like you and we won’t judge you because you might make different choices than us. I have never condemned people for their life choices, because that is one thing the Bible tells us to never do. What it does tell us to do is love everyone. As a Christian, I try to view people as God views them – with unconditional love.

Assumption #2: We don’t party

Another annoying assumption people make when they learn I’m religious and very active in my church is that I don’t party. Although the Bible tells me to not drink in excess (and I don’t drink 24/7), it doesn’t mean that I don’t drink and don’t go to parties. I would even be lying if I said I haven’t gone to church with a hangover. Some of us party, and some of us don’t, but don’t assume either way. Rather, find out by asking us. Every time friends from class ask me what I’m doing during the upcoming weekend and I say I’m going to a party thrown by a friend from church, they laugh. They picture us playing Scrabble and cuddled up under Snuggies. Not true.

Some of my most fun parties have been thrown by my church friends.  So yes I do go clubbing, I do go to parties. Just because I love God doesn’t mean I don’t also love to shout Gaga lyrics to the top of my lungs and dance like crazy while laughing and holding a Coors in my hand.

Assumption #3: We are all conservative

Finally, the assumption I face almost daily is people assuming that I’m conservative because of my Catholic beliefs. Not true.  The fact of the matter is I don’t discuss politics. What I will do, is listen to what you have to say, and if you want to talk about whether I agree with you or not, we can talk in person about it. Heck, I don’t even mind if we don’t really know each other and you want to hear my opinion about something. Even if you do sit down with me and talk to me about stuff like that, I’m nice to everyone. Like I said earlier, I was taught to love everyone, regardless of different beliefs. If you ask me how I feel, I’ll tell you, and there is no way you will ever change my mind about the topic, but I will say it calmly and don’t mind getting into friendly debates. I will never shut you down because you disagree with something I believe in. Because peace is essential to Christianity, and as a Christian I know that isn’t the way to change someone’s mind.

Why do I go to church?

So why do I go to church while in college? As silly as it sounds, it’s really relaxing to go to church on Sunday mornings and have an hour that is worry-free. For that hour classes, exams, etc. don’t matter. The only thing that matters is I am celebrating God. So it keeps me grounded and gives me a short break from all of my stress. Church is also a great place to meet friends and I-wanna-be-more-than-friends. Through my campus ministry I found friends with similar beliefs, passions, and lifestyles. We’ve been able to get really close because we’ve participated in lots of different activities with each other on a weekly basis. I met my boyfriend through my ministry, and we get along fantastically because we already agree on fundamental things. I go to church because unlike my friends who say college is for taking a break from religion, you can’t take a short “break” from religious life. You can’t just put it on hold until you’re “ready.” College is a time for growing, and learning. I take it upon myself to learn more about my faith on my own and stop depending on my parents for pushing me to do so. I go to church because I know I need it; I know I still have a lot of growing to do.

Everyone would have us believe (even some of the writers on this website) that college is a constant party and orgy, but that isn’t so. College is about finding yourself, and becoming more of who you always were (but didn’t realize it). As college students, we are all wanderers, forced out of our homes and into the real world. We wander until we discover what it is we want to do with our lives, and we succeed or we fail. We move forward, whether we know where we are headed or not. So while I am always wandering, I am never lost, because my religion helps guide my college experience.

This week, under the category of “news that made me say WTF!” was this little story about students at Georgetown University taping their mouths and chaining themselves to a statue in front of the school in protest of the fact the Georgetown doesn’t provide or help to provide contraceptive options like condoms to it’s students. The school, a private Catholic university stands by the religious policies of the Catholic church under which it was founded and refuses to provide any contraception that prevents the creation of life. Let the debate begin!

OK, let’s go ahead and get this out before the NYC-liberal-arts-student part of me literally explodes – SERIOUSLY! Are you freakin’ kidding me?! Georgetown, a major university, which does not require it’s students to follow Catholic doctrine, is still, in this day and age, refusing to hand out condoms!? Are you gonna provide daycare, Georgetown?

Ah, I feel better now.

But honestly, there are a lot of good reasons why Georgetown should step up and help with the sexual health of it’s students. To begin with, Georgetown is located in Washington D.C. where officials have declared a citywide HIV/AIDS epidemic. That means that, completely outside of the pregnancy prevention argument, Georgetown is refusing to help it’s students protect themselves from devastating, life-changing illness. And yes, students at GU could just go around the corner to the drugstore and buy their own condoms, but as many many schools have found out, it’s a lot harder to get students to do that (when you’re this close to getting it on in your dorm, that CVS might as well be China).

And this isn’t just a Georgetown issue, students at religious universities all over the country encounter these same things -  last year, a student at Stonehill College collected free condoms from family-planning clinics and distributed them at school. Stonehill’s administration found out and went around confiscating them from would-be sexy-timers.

And yet, though it goes against all of my personal sexual beliefs, I do have to defend Georgetown’s choices too. It is a private, religious school. They don’t make any qualms about their beliefs or that the school itself upholds those ideas – if people choose to go there anyway, then they have to accept that the school won’t violate it’s principles for them. The university, all private religious schools, and the students there who do follow those doctrines have a right to their beliefs and to force them to do otherwise would be wrong.  To fund and staff a school organization aimed at providing contraception would cost money, and by that virtue, take money away from it’s staff and students. While some of those students would benefit from that organization, there are also those who would not want to use them and isn’t it unfair then that their tuition money would be spent on something they can’t use – essentially wasting it for them? If students choose to have sex, shouldn’t they at least be adult enough to remember to make a drugstore run before the big date?

OK, so it’s thoughts and opinions time! Should religious universities like Georgetown buck up and get with the times? Should they at least be obligated to give their students options? Or should the students just accept that there are certain things that go along with the schools they’ve picked and make their own arrangements?

Let’s hear it!

Question for Tuffy?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and leave a message at the BEEEEEEP.

Tuffy Question: Hey, where all the lesbians at?! How come I never hear from you girls?!

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we are just crazy about each other, but we are still virgins.  We were originally saving our virginity for religious/moral reasons, but we both changed our minds on that and want to have intercourse now.  However, we each live in our parents’ homes and his family is super-religious.  And if someone finds out, both of us will be in deep trouble.  Apart from simply waiting, what can we do?

–All revved up with nowhere to go

Dear Revved,

What can you do?! Why, many a thing, young lass! Let’s see–

But first, let lil’ ol’ Tuffy just lil’ ol’ say: ALWAYS USE CONDOMS. In EVERY situation. In ANY genital exchange, with ANY gender. Okay?! CONDOMS. CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS.

Okay, that said, first, I want to say that I am writing this advice to you, girl, assuming that you are of consenting age. Okay? Please, young ‘uns, wait till you’re ready. You should never feel pressure to have sex before YOU are ready to do it. No one tells you what to do with your body–you are your own and only your own.

So, now the fun! Things you can do:

1. Intercourse: Yes, you can have intercourse. Just take it slow. Kiss a lot. Talk, giggle, don’t take it too seriously. Just do what comes naturally. And, importantly: Tell him if it’s hurting you. Let’s be real, girls, it hurts the first time, but if you have a gentle and patient partner, he’ll go slow when you need him to and it’ll be much, much better. And, frankly, if you don’t have a gentle and patient partner, I highly recommend dumping his ass.

2. Making Out: What’s wrong with just heavy making out?! This can be a great precursor to sex. It’ll really help you find out what turns you guys on. Kissing and touching is the perfect way to experiment without having to go too far.

3. Oral Sex: This is SEX – oral is NOT casual. You still need a condom for this one (sorry, kids – no one likes the herp). Okay, the main thing here is being equals; you give him, and he gives you. It’s all about reciprocity. And it’s also all about listening. Don’t just get down there and try to look like a porn star; that ain’t doin’ nothin’ for no one. Listen to his reactions and learn from them (and expect him to do the same for you!!). And don’t be too shy to read up on the subject for tips (so to speak).

4. Manual Stimulation: You actually don’t need a condom for this one, but make sure the hands are CLEAN (and that you have a condom nearby, just in case you decide you want to switch activities). Again, feel each other out (haha. No, but seriously). See what works for you guys. It’s just touching to make each other feel good – remember, this is a person you love.

5. Anal: Okay, not for the beginner. Work your way up to this one. And, if you do eventually go there, use condoms and tons of lube.

Places, given the circumstances, where you can do said things:

1. Backseat of a car
2. Friend’s place (with friend’s permission, of course)
3. As a last resort, save up money and rent a hotel room during daytime hours (so no one gets suspicious)

This is all assuming you love each other. Remember, kids, Aunt Tuffy Sez: Don’t rush into anything. Sex is so much better when there’s love involved.

Good luck to you, girl. Use condoms, be safe, have fun!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

I really can’t give MTV’s new series “College Life” enough praise.  I’m not a huge fan of the whole reality thing, but since the show is shot by the students themselves it really puts a good spin on a tired genre.

Every episode is chock-full of the real life drama of being an actual freshman at one of America’s largest party schools – the University of Wisconsin. Check out for yourself, you can watch all the episodes online in full here.

We caught up with the star’s of the show Josh, Kevin, Jordan and Andrea and asked them a few questions about  hooking-up, drinking, studying and if women can be considered pimps and men sluts. Oh, you know, the important things…

Question 1: How many dates before you consider hooking up?

Josh: “One”

Kevin: “One”

Jordan: “Zero. If it’s right it’s right.”

Andrea: “I believe in saving myself until marriage, so however many dates it takes to put a ring on my finger. However, I don’t think there is anything wrong with kissing on the first date – if you think he’s a guy and you are comfortable.”

Question 2: How many drinks are too many drinks?

Josh: “The one right before you get the spins”

Kevin: “I always say, one more will never kill you.”

Jordan: “Depends on the person. ”

Andrea: “I don’t drink! (crazy I know ) My own values put aside, I think that people who drink so much they feel sick the next day and can’t remember what they did is extremely annoying and dangerous to the life we are supposed to be cherishing.”

Question 3: How many days in a row do you party? How many days in a row do you study?

Josh: “Party=2 days in a row and study= 2 days in a row…Can’t do either too much gets old”

Kevin: “I like to combine the 2 and do it every night.”

Jordan: “Seven and seven”

Andrea: “I go out every Friday and Saturday (and sometimes Thursday ) Every other day of the week I try to get some quality studying time in. Being that I don’t drink, a lot of times I’ll stay out till 3 in the morning and then go study by the lake or at the library at 8 AM while everyone else is sleeping until 2 PM (that’s my favorite time to study because no one is around).”

Question 4: Can males be sluts? Can girls be pimps? Why?

Josh: “Males can be sluts but it’s called a man whore. You become a man whore when you hook up with more than one girl in a night or you hook up with different girls more than twice a week. Girls, I don’t think can be pimps it just doesn’t make sense to me.”

Kevin: “No and No. Society man, that’s just how it is.

Jordan: “I believe the correct term for a male slut is man-whore and a girl pimp is usually referred to as a suga mama. I’ve encountered both. They do exist.”

Andrea: “HELL YES! I think those are terms that describe someone’s actions – not their gender.”

Question 5: Do you think you will meet the person you will marry while in college?

Josh: “Yes, that’s where you are supposed to meet them.”

Kevin: “No”

Jordan: “To be honest I think I’ve already met the girl I’m going to marry. I’ve known her since I was five. I can’t tell you how we met because as long as I can remember I’ve known her. I think there’s a special connection between childhood friends that can’t be recreated.”

Andrea: “I don’t know…to be honest I’m not one of those girls that go to college to meet the person they are going to marry. I don’t want to get married until I have established my career and traveled the world, so I don’t have time to settle down and be serious right out of college. I hope to be married by about 28 or 29, so that leaves me a lot of time coming out of college to meet Mr. Right! ”

Question 6: How old do you want to be when you get married?

Josh: “I would say I could get married at any age if I felt it’s right, but definitely around 24 is when i want to get married”

Kevin: “Old as hell.”

Jordan: “Oh, I don’t know. Originally I would’ve said late twenties but I’m currently smitten. I don’t really see the use in playing the field right now.”

Andrea: “Oops I already answered that in the last one. ”

[Post courtesy of our boys over at CoedMagazine.com]

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Sex is….awkward.

Once upon a time, I cared a whole lot about my number of sexual partners. I remember hearing a girl in high school tell me she had slept with 5 people, 5 whole people, and I remember thinking, ‘WHOA!!! What a slut! I’m never going to have sex with that many people! Ever!” But, you see, that was when I was religious and very into the idea of marriage…and the idea of waiting for the ‘right one’.

So, I waited for the right one. Two years later, after we’d finally had sex, I knew he wasn’t really the one for me. It was like pushing the Go button on our sexual relationship facilitated him finally showing me who he really was. I maintained some faith and made another guy who was ‘the one’ wait. He broke up with me the day after I finally slept with him; four months into our relationship.

I started to really doubt there was a ‘ONE’ for me. But I still really wanted sex. I longed for it. I didn’t want to be tangled up in emotions anymore. I didn’t want to be a part of the pursuit of my perfect match anymore. I didn’t want to be in love. I didn’t want any of THAT anymore. I just wanted to still have sex. You know why? Cause I thought sex felt really good.

But I felt a certain dissonance about the whole thing, too. I was already at 2 (my number) and I was scared that one day, if I met someone who knocked me off my feet, that they’d think less of me if my number was 10 or 20 or, god forbid, 50. But then I realized something…

All of the people I would sleep with would be people who I wanted to sleep with. Simple as that. If I ever found the ‘right’ person for me one day, he would have no problem accepting my past, my choices, and the events that helped me develop in time. I realized that as long as I did exactly what I wanted to do and always respected myself, that no ‘right’ man for me down the road would ever hold that against me.

I don’t understand why more girls can’t adopt this mentality. Why does a NUMBER mean so much to so many people?

(Photo from: teamsugar.com)

Like most promises I make to myself, my devotion only lasted about 5 months, and these days, I find my spirituality more of the Transcendental kind.

Having said that, not being able to be home for Easter still makes me kinda sad. I freaking love chocolate eggs, and watching my Uncle cut into a giant Honeybaked Ham is one of my most favorite memories. This year, while my relatives enjoy the religious / consumer holiday, I’ll be working in an office and slaving through my graduate thesis at the same time.

Luckily the guys over at JibJab made this hilariously odd video. Nothing says Happy Easter! like chin animation.

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