Ladies, you probably know a Gossip Girl if…

She’s given a monthly allowance in the four-digit range…just for “fun” purchases.
The sales girls at Louis Vuitton know her by name.  She didn’t have to wait for her Hermes Birkin bag.  Chanel makes sure she’s always invited to the in-store preview events.  Basically, the girl’s got the connection on all the latest and greatest when it comes to fashion.  She wants it all, and she gets it (ahead of everyone else, of course).

Things don’t stay secret for long, especially when her cell phone’s nearby.
Is she inviting you to spill your heart out?  Looking at you with “it’s okay, you can tell me anything” eyes?  Patting the seat next to her while holding out her arms in a faux-hug?  If so, then run.  It’s no surprise to say Gossip Girls love gossip, and their fingers can text at lightening speeds even when the phone’s under the table or hidden in a purse.  Duct tape that mouth, young lady, or your break-up will be the hottest news on campus in fifteen minutes.

She takes mysterious trips at a moment’s notice.
Long weekend in Bermuda= visiting her estranged father who is running away from American authorities in Belgium.  Last-minute acceptance to a prestigious summer program at Oxford= her mother’s forcing her into rehab for that pesky case of Bulimia.  Skipped out on a year of school for no reason= girl was totally suicidal after she tripped down the runway at Fashion Week.  The affairs of Gossip Girls are shrouded in mystery, so always be suspect of her excuses.

Minions abound!
Like the seven dwarfs…except taller, thinner, and wearing Prada.  Gossip Girls require a staff of help in their homes and a committee of mini-me’s in their schools.  Minions often wear similar styles and speak with the same lingo as their leader, but don’t be confused.  These girls know exactly to whom they answer.

Men just can’t seem to help themselves.
Could be the killer body, the form-fitting dress, or the four-inch Louboutins, but whatever the reason- she makes sexy look effortless and Heidi Klum look like a dumpy housewife.  Guys can’t seem to say no to a Gossip Girl for (ahem, two) reasons that are pretty plain to see.  And they’re only the best- future investment bankers, lawyers, heirs to oil fortunes…  That scrawny English major knows he doesn’t stand a chance with a Blair Waldorf wanna-be.

Do you know a real-life Gossip Girl? Been the victim of her vicious mouth? (Yeah, it’s cute on TV, but not so much in the real world with real consequences… like your parents finding out your dirty secrets via Facebook updates….) Share your story below.

81% said: to get rich.

51% said: to be famous.

I don’t know about you guys, but this makes me squirm in my seat just a tad.

Sure, it’s understandable that a large number of people want to have a fat wallet and their face plastered all over newspapers. Actually it’s a little too obvious. Our generation certainly boasts an embarrassingly high number of public figures with absolutely zero talent or reason for being there. Just think about it, some of the most famous celebrities are reality stars who got famous for being normal people on national TV and occasionally throwing in a fist fight, indulging a cocktail binge or going through an incredibly messy divorce to spice things up.

With these figures being glorified by our society, of course there are going to be those who want to follow in their footsteps and get their 15 minutes. But aren’t these numbers a tad bit high? The main goal of 81% of college students is to be rich?! What about being happy? Having a family? Improving the world in some way?

Are we just lazy? Is that why the life of the rich and famous looks so appealing? Or do people actually consider “famous” an appropriate fill in for the blank next to “occupation”?

I’d like to hope (it’s actually more like I’m praying for the sake of humanity) that there are people out there who want to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, engineers and journalists, not because of the money and recognition that comes with it, but because of the impact you can have on society.

We can all honestly admit that fame would be nice for a couple of days (being chauffeured around, cutting the lines at clubs and events, having people scream your name…), but the thought of our generation becoming a bunch of Paris’ and Lindsay’s is ridiculously frightening.

What do you guys think? Is being rich your top priority in life? Would you choose fame over a career you enjoy?

Type 1:“The Talented Celebrity.”  Think models who have shown up on the cover of Italian Vogue, actors like Brad Pitt who have starred in everything from comedy to drama, and music moguls who come out with one hit after another (think Madonna).

Type 2: “The Train Wreck- Once Famous, Now in Rehab.”  These are people like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse, who are no doubt talented, but can’t keep themselves away from the bars and the drugs long enough to earn coveted longevity in Hollywood.

Type 3: “Why the Hell are They Famous?” The people who People Magazine, US Weekly, and Perez Hilton constantly cover, we all read about, and none of us are exactly sure what this person has done to deserve press coverage (think Anna Nicole Smith).  Below is a list of the ten best examples of these non-celebrities – the ones that take over our headlines, but haven’t done much to merit this press coverage.  And if anyone can tell me why we actually care what these people are up to…well, be my guest.

1. Kim Kardashian- While she is no doubt stunning, her fame stems from the fact that her rich father served as OJ Simpson’s lawyer during his criminal trial…and then she had sex with Ray J.  Her lone film, Disaster Flick, came out in 2008, and was rated the second worst film ever created at the Internet Movie Database. Sure, she’s been on Dancing With the Stars and her own reality show since then, but I must ask: why was this one ever on our radar!?

2. Heidi and Spencer Pratt- While The Hills enjoys high ratings, two young adults arguing for a 30-minute episode about their relationship, their parents, and how they should get married is not enough to give anyone celebrity status.  If America wants to watch two people argue, then MTV should come to my house and film my mom begging me to do dumb chores.  Being rich and argumentative is not enough to warrant fame.

3. Octomom – Her birth of octuplets this past year caused a national scandal when people became concerned about child neglect and proper monetary support (and the fact that she looks like Angelina…). Getting six embryos implanted in you when you already have six kids definitely does not make you a celebrity…slightly crazy, but not a celebrity.

4. Nicole Richie – Best known for her stint on The Simple Life with fellow socialite Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie’s presence in celebrity tabloids is mostly in candid photos of her and daughter Harlow, or musician husband Joel Madden of Good Charlotte.  She has yet to sing or act in anything of true merit other than being herself on a reality show and is truly a celebrity’s wife, not a celebrity herself.

5. Tila Tequila -  Tila got famous for having a lot of friends on MySpace. Don’t get me wrong, popularity is cool, but since when do we celebrate the trashy people who actually use MySpace?

6. Kevin Federline – Known mostly for his disastrous short-lived marriage to Britney Spears, Federline’s attempts to make it in “the industry” resulted in his 2006 record being one of the worst-received in music history and making him appear as an Eminem wannabe.  His short stint on One Tree Hill as an aggressive musician did little to advance his acting career, and his appearances on wrestling programming did even less to advance his image.  So, while Britney Spears seems to have come out of her funk with hits like “Circus” and “Womanizer,” Federline is now famous for changing diapers and babysitting Sean and Jayden.

7. Paris Hilton – Just another blonde socialite who formed a fashion line and had one hit song (“Stars are Blind”).  Being born rich does not make you a celebrity.  Becoming rich due to talent does.

8. Melissa Rycroft – Seriously, I’ve been dumped by plenty of guys. Where is my offer to be on the cover of a magazine?

9. Whitney Port – Starring in her very own spin-off of The Hills, Whitney Port was nicknamed “the new Carrie Bradshaw.”  Um. No. Freaking. Way. And if being on a reality show weren’t bad enough, spinning off the show that gave fame to squabbling California teenagers merits even less respect in my mind. She is no Carrie. Don’t even joke.

10. Suri Cruise - This girl gets more covers than paid actors. Just because she was born.  Why do we as consumers care what a two–year-old is wearing?

Life would be a whole lot easier if money weren’t an issue, right? You wouldn’t have to worry about those pesky bills, you could travel the world in style, enjoy daily shopping trips at your favorite boutiques…

Whoa. Sorry – zoned out there for a minute.

Anywho, even if people don’t want to admit it, marrying someone with money would be pretty fan-effing-tastic, no?  Just look at all those Real Housewives – their lives aren’t too shabby. Who wouldn’t want to have all that (minus the ridiculous dramz, of course)?

So, is there anything wrong with trying to find a wealthy man to sweep you off your feet? And does looking for a man with a cushy bank account make you a – how did my friend put it? – prostitute? There’s a fine line between liking someone with money and liking someone for money, but, at the end of the day, is either one really ok?

See both sides below, then weigh in on the topic in the comment section!

Life isn’t black and white. As much as we wish we simply loved or hated things, there is often that whole annoying gray area in the middle. Like how we love the idea of a monokini, but we just don’t know if we can pull it off. Or how we love making money babysitting, but hate giving up a Saturday night. Damn you, gray area; you make decision-making that much more complicated!]

Anyone who knows me knows not to call on Tuesday nights. Not only is it Biggest Loser night, but it also happens to be the best night of my week because of one thing only: The Real Housewives. I don’t care if they are from Orange County, Hot-lanta or New York, I can’t get enough of these women.

Yet now that The Real Housewives of New Jersey are on the (polluted) horizon, I’m starting to feel a little confused inside about my love for couture catfights and $16,000 handbags.

Yes, ladies, I’m torn. It’s time to break it all down.

Love It:
Rich women doing fabulous things and talking about one another behind everyone’s backs? It’s like my dream life. I’m really good at the sh*t talking, but I’m seriously lacking in the Chanel bags and Louboutin heels, so it’s nice to live out my dreams through a Bravo TV show. And the drama, while totally blown out of proportion, is just so addicting. Whoever casts this show did a fantastic job of bringing far too many Type A women into one social circle, ultimately leading to many a manicured claw fights.

And could there be anything more entertaining than watching Evil Vicki trip and fall down a stair? Or Nay Nay making fun of her tranny bff, Kim? Or Bethenny (attempting to) open a can of ‘tude on Kelly Bensimon? Short answer: no. There is nothing better. Because drama in your social circle is never fun, but watching rich women drown themselves in it is the best thing since $5 footlongs at Subway.

Loathe It:
I like to think that I’m sorta smart, so I’m embarrassed to not only watch this show, but be totally addicted to it. And know every last detail. Including what kind of heels Jill’s daughter wanted to pack for her summer abroad. (Marc Jacobs. Pathetic, I know.)

Shouldn’t I be watching documentaries on Discovery Channel, or some weird show on TLC? And should I really be contributing to the further success of these rich-tards? With the exception of a few (Bethenny, for sure), these women contribute nothing to society except a few photos for Page 6 and a reason for my mother to call me at 9am on a Saturday to discuss the episode she just watched on her DVR.

We should be giving our attention to people who actually impact our world in a positive way, instead of these useless women who do nothing but lunch and shop and bitch. And then wake up the next day to do it all again. Yes, some of them work, but many of them just marry rich and set an example that money and wealth is the key to happiness. Is that true? Maybe. But is that realistic? Hell no.

And I can’t ignore the fact that this show takes my blood pressure to unhealthy levels. Without fail I end up on my feet (thus dumping my evening snack of dry Kashi Go Lean! all over my floor) yelling at the TV. These women are ridiculous and I can’t handle watching them say and do the dumbest sh*t! And now my snack is on the floor! And now I’m angry at myself because I care so much about this! And now I have to pause it so I can clean up the mess I just made.

Roar!

I know that it’s just a show and I should enjoy it if I want to, but watching this show gives these women power and success they really do not deserve. Is my guilty pleasure really worth elevating these label whores to a higher level, wasting precious cereal and potentially giving me wrinkles?

I just don’t know. I’m totally torn!

Webster’s Definition of DOUCHE:

The true definition of douche is: a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals.

Okay. FIRST OF ALL…Does that sound painful to anyone else? Have any of you actually tried this? I’d really like to know.

My Definition of a DOUCHE:

Here’s the thing, douche has its varieties and I’ll have to break them down for you.

RICH DOUCHE:

The rich douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at dinner while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich douches usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’ll have a greyhound and think pubs are for Irish invalids. Take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry.

POOR DOUCHE:

Just as bad as the rich douche, but in a different way. A poor douche usually plays some sort of victim role which involves “hating ‘The Man’” or “The System.” A poor douche takes advantage of his Mother and then takes advantage of his chick. Poor douches eat entirely too much pizza and play entirely too much Halo with the boys and almost never cleans the bathroom. The poor douche never picks up the tab, and usually has you buy your own liquor that he will proceed to get drunk off of. Poor Douche thinks Rich Douche is worse than him, but really…they’re the same — one just isn’t overdrawn.

GYM DOUCHE:

You’ve seen this guy. As a matter of fact, these are the easiest ones to detect. The muscles and the hair gel usually give them away. Gym Douche can even be detected from a car, bumper stickers that say “NO FEAR!” or have some little kid pissing on something will usually don their trucks, or shiny black cars with ridiculous rims. Gym Douche will tell you you need to do squats and won’t enjoy your Grandma’s cooking when he meets the family. Gym Douche likes Girl Gym Douches who wear makeup and hoop earring while running on the treadmill.

INTELLECTUAL DOUCHE:

This one will almost always make you feel like an idiot by saying something patronizing like, “…well you wouldn’t know anything about that…” Intellectual douche will definitely say something snarky about your lattes or your affinity for Half-n-Half while he drinks a sh*tty cup of black coffee and looks pensive.

GANGSTA DOUCHE:

Will listen to entirely too much bad rap and call you “Gurl” or “Woman.” Gangsta Douche will generally have sketchy text messages from “other chicks” and will roll entirely too many blunts while watching 106 and Park. Gangsta Douche will choose “his boys” first, almost ALWAYS, so just forget it…at least until you’re his baby mama.

MUSICIAN DOUCHE:

THESE ARE THE WORST KIND. Because they use their fancy fingers, fancy voices, and their fancy fancy HAIR to make you think they’re not douchey. They write lovey little ditties and fool you into thinking you’ve found a “sensitive one”. One that will love you when you eat too much pie and will let you be neurotic and perfect and won’t mind when you stop wearing so much mascara. THEN. The true colors shine through…and you realize those little ditties…..were JUST LITTLE DITTIES. There was no meaning, there was no depth. He’s just a man. Musician Douche almost always has an easy rebound waiting in the wings. Musician Douche is LETHAL.

There you go my friends. Please, tell me, what type of DOUCHES do you know?

A 35-year-old graduate student in Chicago is conducting the best social experiment since The Real World. For the next year, she is going to live as Oprah advises.

She’ll take tips from O Magazine, Oprah’s web site and of course everyone’s favorite hour of television, the Oprah Winfrey Show itself. She’s recording her expenses and experiences on a blog to share it with the Oprahsphere and curious fans alike.

She’s approximately 12 weeks into her journey and so far it’s been expensive, tiring and thought provoking. After juggling school, work, family, participating in spiritual bootcamp on Oprah.com, our herione is starting to question the feasibility of the average person “living their best life” or at least the lifestyle Oprah prescribes.

I personally don’t think I could keep up with this project. I’d love to spend my days saving the Earth and selecting flattering bathing suits for my body type. My nights would be filled with long reads in the bubble bath or an amazing fat-free meal cooked by yours truly. But like most people, I am too caught up with my so-so life to tackle my best one…for better or worse. The woman behind Living Oprah suggested a similar notion:

…Oprah doesn’t have to do all the legwork we, in the real world, have to do in order to accomplish her recommendations. I’m guessing she doesn’t have to shop for every scrap of clothing, balance her checkbook, cook meals for her family, clean her house, juggle her appointments, research the “best deals” for the perfect crisp, white shirt.

With more than eight months to go I am curious to see if she’ll be able to keep up with all of Oprah’s Recommendations. How will she manage when the show comes out of re-runs? Or worse, when Oprah names her Favorite Things? And will she have to vote for Obama? That seals it. This woman’s journey is officially more interesting than the show itself.

“Good Morning Upper East Siders…It’s Gossip Girl here...”

Similar to the infamous and mysterious Gossip Girl, I too can wake up in the morning, open my curtains, and look out over a street that is located in the idealized glamorous neighborhood of Manhattan’s Upper East Side. But, unlike Blair, Serena, and the other over-privileged characters, my window looks out over the street from my fourth floor tiny studio…in a walk up building (this means i climb four flights of stairs everytime I come home to my apt, no elevator).

You may be wondering how this is possible for a recent college graduate struggling to make it in the most expensive city in the world to be living in such close proximity to those who live the wealthiest and most luxurious lifestyle imaginable.

Well, contrary to what many people think, beyond the extravagant buildings and penthouses occupied by the rich, this area is actually one of the most affordable in the city for young adults. Why? Many prewar walk up buildings (like mine) that are older, lack an elevator and doorman, and are closer to the river (a farther walk to the subway) are in this area.

So, planting myself in front of the television every Wednesday night at 9pm is something I look forward to because I recognize buildings, streets, locations, and enjoy matching characters to people I walk by every day on my way to work. This week’s episode was drama-filled as usual. Although I have never walked up on a father-son fist fight similar to the one with Nate and his pops, I can say that I’ve witnessed glimmers of Gossip Girl moments on the streets of my hood.

For example, after a particularly long day at work, I was heading back to my apartment and passed a group of girls that looked not a day over thirteen, but were wearing outfits that probably equaled the amount of everything valuable I own. The leader of the group (we’ll call her Blair) was shoving a cigarette in the face of the runt (she’ll be Jenny Humphrey), and taunting her, “Why? Why won’t you try it? Are you scared?” So, “Jenny” gave in and took a huge drag, only to end up coughing hysterically. “Blair” then shoved the pack of cigarettes into her Valentino bag (Yes, Valentino), and then told her minions to march along behind her.

Yes, sadly enough, there are people out strikingly similar to the GG characters.

Anyways, back to tonight’s episode…Chuck Bass is like, the creepiest dude ever and resembles a future rapist. Nate is adorable and I secretly want him and Serena to end up together. But, I am partial to Dan as well because, come on, the candlelit bedroom in the Brooklyn loft for them to hook up? It was all very cute and romantic. Seriously, can they just do the deed already? And then Dan and his dad can double date with Serena and her mom. Too perfect.

There’s nothing like another week of one full hour of romance, hook ups, burlesque clubs, parental drug busts, and fights. And this all happens in one fabulous neighborhood: mine.

Stay tuned for more real life Gossip Girl moments I encounter over the next week, and remember, as Gossip Girl said on tonight’s episode while Blair was stripping at the club, “No matter how hard you try to be good, eventually you can’t help but being bad.”

Or something like that.

He’s more than a crybaby who had a panic attack in jail and was tied up in his own home. He’s more than an obnoxious frat boy in a designer suit.

Joe Francis is a good guy.

At least according to Joe Francis.

Meetjoefrancis.com is the Girls Gone Wild creator’s new online endeavor to show the world that his past behavior was all a misunderstanding…something he’s been plagued by his whole life.

“I’m excited to have this opportunity to introduce myself to you personally.” Francis writes on his homepage.

“Over the years, I’ve gotten used to being misunderstood.”

“From as early as the first grade, when a teacher’s aide took offense at my efforts to get her attention by putting a tack on her chair, to more recently, when a certain Southern judge took a relentless interest in putting me behind bars, it seems that I have been in a constant struggle just to be understood as a regular guy trying to get by in life.”

Putting a tack on someone’s chair to get attention? More like putting a tack on someone’s chair to watch them sit on a tack and laugh.

Francis attempts to continue to defend his ‘gosh darn regular joe’ persona by describing in vivid detail his first childhood crush.

“Miss Davis was a teacher’s assistant. I remember her as a tall, slender woman with great breasts, the face of an angel and the kind of eyes you can lose yourself in. What the hell am I talking about. I was 6. The point is, I was in love.”

6 years old and he’s already thinking about boobs.

You know, Joe? I don’t think you’re misunderstood at all.

You’re exactly what we’ve always thought you were: a self-absorbed ass who thinks he’s awesome.

I have a special place in my heart for terrible teen television. The O.C., Degrassi, Instant Star, South of Nowhere, Dawson’s Creek: I just can’t get enough of it. The cheesy acting, the terrible love dramas, the catty bitch fights. I LOVE IT.

Which is why I am pumped for my newest terrible teen television drama Gossip Girl. Being an angsty teen is hard enough but when you’re rich, pretty and living on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, life is so bad it’s good. I’m pretty sure I watched the trailer five times because I was THAT excited.

There have been reviews. The New York Times profiled the show while five real UES Manhattan girls watched the first episode. And a few have even written that Gossip Girl is nothing to gossip about. But this is no Arrested Development, people. This is bad television.

The acting is sub par and the plotline monotonous (teens drinking and doing it… not anything new), but this time instead of sunny California it’s New York City.

And a location change is enough for me to be interested. It’s new! It’s fresh! It’s probably awful and I love it.

If aren’t privy to the line up of events, here’s a quick rundown:

Serena van der Woodsen has just returned from a year at boarding school. No one knows why she left, and no one knows why she’s back. But the website Gossip Girl, which chronicles the latest happenings among these UES yuppie teens, has spotted her in Grand Central.

What follows is a tumultuous turn of events. Serena’s ex-BFF Blair is trying to do it with her boyfriend Nate because Serena is back in town. Apparently, Nate cheated on Blair with Serena. Oh, snap.

Blair’s big party, Kiss on the Lips, is happening and Serena isn’t invited. Instead she opts to hang with geeky boy Dan (the luscious Penn Badgly) instead.

Dan’s little sister Jenny snagged an invite to the party because she MADE the invites. Poor darling. She’s trying so hard to be a part of the in crowd. At the party bad-boy drunk Chuck almost rapes her. Good thing there are cells, and 911 texts because Dan and Serena come to save the day.

And then they hold hands. They HOLD HANDS.

Juicy!

So I’ve pretty much seen the entire first episode from the five minute trailer, but if you aren’t convinced enough to want to a part of the in crowd tonight at 9, I’ll give you one more good reason:

The clothes.

Rich girls have great clothes, and Gossip Girl is no exception.