Yup, that's what $18,000 worth of Elvis hair looks like.

I’ve sold a few items on eBay, and it’s truly wild what people will buy these days (although no one wanted my used retainer… strange). Recently, a clump of Elvis’s hair sold for $18,000 at an auction in Chicago. I don’t know how I feel about this. Someone just legitimately purchased old hair follicles and dandruff for the price of a small car. This got me thinking:

What other celebrity items would make a killing on the auction block?

You know what would make a good centerpiece at the dinner table? Michael Phelps’ bong. Stick a few flowers in it and call it a vase. I mean, that’s what he was using it for, wasn’t it? Better yet, MP should put some of those luscious speed suits up on Ebay. Who wouldn’t pay a pretty penny to get that up close and personal with his junk?

And what about the prosthetic vampire teeth Robert Pattinson wears in Twilight. I bet some young pre-teen would crack open her piggy bank for that item. Used, of course. Perhaps we should add them to our New Moon gift basket. Talk about a good addition to your Halloween costume. Famous fangs!

And Lord knows Amy Winehouse has a ton of stuff to sell (to pay for her daily dose of horse tranquilizers, of course):

Amy Winehouse’s hair extensions – $50
Crack pipe – $100
I just wonder what she could get for that last shred of dignity. It’s simply priceless.

If you really want to discuss an item of value, let me offer up some authentic Richard Simmons‘ booty shorts for sale. Naturally, any pair worn in an exercise video would demand a higher price than just his daily going-to-the-grocery-store pairs, as they have a higher (ball) sweat-saturation. And Richard Simmons sweat is like the nectar of the gods. Just imagine what kind of motivation would come with the authentic essence of Rich on your lower half.

And don’t think we forgot about you, Paris. How much do you think Paris Hilton‘s house arrest ankle bracelet would sell for on eBay? It would probably be categorized as a celebrity chic fashion accessory, perfect with a pair of Louboutin (knock-off) pumps.

God, knowing how much someone spent on Elvis’s hair, I can only imagine what Balloon-boy‘s family could get for that flying saucer. If my R.A. would let me tie it to the side of my dorm, I’d buy it in a heartbeat and be a part of history!

Max weight loss FAST! Melt away belly fat! Lose 30 pounds in 30 days by eating more and exercising less! The Womanizer Diet: Get slim like Britney!

Unless your diet method of choice is a hearty bump of Adderall for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack, getting/staying trim is not that easy; however, it’s also not rocket science. As a long time devotee to the business of taking care of my body, I have fully explored the spectrum of ways to stay feeling good about my body (that includes eating disorders, which is, helpful hint, not recommended.), and I found that by putting the suggestions I’ve listed below into practice, I actually lost weight in college and have kept it off since, without the aid of prescription amphetamines.

So suck on that, Britney.

Tip 1: Get off your ass

Granted, I will say that I am more of a gym addict than others, but I’m not suggesting running a marathon here. Little things like taking the stairs in your dorm instead of the elevator, or biking to class in lieu of the bus can make a huge difference. And don’t underestimate walking; a friend of mine took a job caddying and lost 25 pounds just from walking around the golf course all day. If you take every opportunity you get to squeeze in a little physical activity, I guarantee you’ll notice a difference. That said, I also recommend penciling the gym into your schedule a few times a week. Both cardiovascular and strength training are essential for peak fitness, and I can tell you from experience that nothing helps to alleviate some of that midterm stress like churning out a few miles on the treadmill.

Tip 2: Make healthy food choices whenever possible

I love to eat, especially crap food. We’re talking chocolate, chips, fries, ice cream – who doesn’t love that stuff, right? But the thing about modern America is that most of us eat it all the time, which is not only unhealthy and gluttonous, but frankly, pretty disgusting. It’s really not hard to eat healthy. The main things to remember are:

- Whole grains, most/all of the time. Seriously, refined carbs are crap. They have no nutritional value, where as whole grains are loaded with fiber, antioxidants, protein, minerals, vitamins and, in my opinion, are much more flavorful. So think whole grain bread, whole grain pasta, brown rice, high-fiber cereals. If nothing else, your digestive system will thank you.

- Fat free/low fat/low cal = good. This tip can be a little iffy because these are not all created equal. Fat free does not always equal low cal and vice versa. However, fat free dairy products such as skim milk and fat free yogurt are always preferable to the straight-out-the-udder variety (unless you’re a newborn calf, which I highly doubt is the case), and the less calories something has, the less calories you’ll have to burn off. See how that works? Science.

Eat fruits and veggies. If you don’t know this by now, I can only assume that you are a deaf, illiterate cave person raised by wolves. Low in calories, high in vitamins, minerals, and basically everything else you should be consuming, fruits and veggies are the Weezer “Blue Album” of the nutritional world; you need that sh*t.

Tip 3: Embrace the Sugar Free.

The jury is kind of out on this point, as many articles on healthy eating will tell you that consuming sugar free items like diet soda will actually make you feel hungrier and therefore more likely to overeat. Also, conclusive studies on the long-term effects of artificial sweeteners such as aspartame and saccharine on the body have yet to be conducted, but from personal experience, I can tell you that when I was writing an essay at 11 pm and was JONESING for something sweet, a Diet Cherry Coke totally did the job and left me feeling not icky/bad about myself. I guess check back with me in 20 years to see if I have brain cancer, but for now I’m stickin’ with Splenda.

Tip 4: Reevaluate your drinking habits.

I’m from the Midwest, so lord knows I know the lure of a good, thick beer, but if you’re pounding back ten to twenty of them 4 days a week, chances are it’s affecting your body. Calorie-wise, liquor with a low cal mixer like diet soda or tonic is a much better option, as is interspersing beverages with glasses of water, which has the added benefit of severely cutting down on your chances of waking up to find yourself sprawled out in an unfamiliar bathtub. For you ladies who don’t want to give up your frosty brew, Michelob Light and Amstel Light are both decent lower cal options that don’t skimp on flavor. Or you could just not drink as much. And, like, give up all your worldly possessions and join a convent. Whatever your steeze is.

Tip 5: Read labels

If you haven’t caught wise to this tip already, you’ll be amazed at what food labels have to tell you. So many foods that claim/appear to be good for you are so totally not. The first thing to check out is the calorie content versus the serving size. If the calorie content seems high in comparison to the serving size (ex: 180 calories in a half cup of granola!), you might want to think it over before digging in, keeping in mind that the recommended daily calorie count for ladies is somewhere around 1800 calories. The second feature to look at is the ingredient list. If one of the first few things listed is refined flour or corn syrup, check out similar products to see if you can’t find something less junky.

I realize that in the high-stress, heavy-drinking, cheap-eats atmosphere of college life, it’s easy to put your body on the back burner. But as a girl who’s been there, I can assure you that if you put these tips in to practice, you’ll discover that exercising a little awareness surprisingly easy, and reaps excellent results both in body and in mind. Stay posi, ladies!

It’s Barack O’MANIA!!

George Clooney’s inner dialogue

You know, sometimes I wonder what Amy Winehouse’s thoughts would sound like

Living Lohan preview. ‘Nough said.

SO. READY. FOR. INDIANA JONES.

Celebrity couples update: because I’m totally alone

Beer Pong 2.0–Gawker vs. CollegeHumor vs Facebook

I love everything that Richard Simmons stands for

Protect your banana–and tell your boyfriend to do the same!

John Mayer + Perez Hilton = oddly intriguing

Pee like a dude…virtually

I hope ScarJo’s album is better than its cover

Wait no more to see your Johnny Depp lovechild

Bobby Brown: still crazy

The mother of all ‘yo mama’ jokes

Richard Simmons is amazing

Another reason I hate happy couples

Jeff Goldblum thinks you should buy a Mac

Would you let Obama call you sweetie?