In case you don’t watch any of VH1’s reality shows, after doing everything (and I do mean everything) including getting her ass kicked by a past contestant to try to win Bret Michaels’s affection; Daisy was totally denied and had her little heart crushed on national TV.  Now, Daisy gets a “real” shot at love, and she’s the one with the passes in her hand this time! Bret Michaels who?

With a few seasons of VH1 reality shows under my belt, I can’t say that I didn’t see this one coming. Daisy was the same type of possessive, clingy, addicted girl as New York.  She spent most of her time on Rock of Love 2 either having sex with Bret Michaels, like New York with Flav, or crying over Bret Michaels, like New York with Flav. It was only right that she too got her own show — just like New York.

I hate to be negative, but I don’t believe one single person has found their true love through reality shows, and I’m starting to wonder if they ever really intend to. I don’t foresee Daisy’s relationship lasting after the season finale.

I do, however, foresee her show being packed with the same over-dramatic, drunk, sex-induced insanity that all the VH1 reality shows provide (thus why I adore them!).  If you loved Daisy on Rock of Love 2 or are just plain interested in getting on TV, they are doing casting on the internet.

You still have plenty of time to be a part of the VH1 madness and/or Daisy’s lover.

I have absolutely nothing against vegetarians. Many of my friends are vegetarians and, in fact, I was a vegetarian myself for a couple of years in high school. However, I H-A-T-E being talked down to by the occasional vegetarian/vegan who comes my way and feels it’s his or her duty to “inform” me of anything related to the subject matter. I hate it almost as much as I hate religious people who feel the need to damn me to Hell via conversation. I almost hate it as much as the smell of burnt hair. I hate it almost as much as I hate Daisy from Rock of Love 2.

Why all of the hate?

Because it’s not anyone’s place to tell me what to eat. I’m a well rounded and intelligent woman. I am quite aware of the animal cruelty out there. I’ve got friends in PETA (isn’t that enough?). I know the deal. I’ve seen the videos. And you know what? Meat still tastes good to me. But that’s not where my point of view on this subject ends.

In my opinion, which, yes, I AM entitled to: All food is alive. Fruit. Vegetables. Chicken. It’s all the same to me. Everything was once alive and now it’s dead for the purpose of sustaining life. This is the way the world works and because I believe this, I believe that the only thing one can do is respect the fact that they are eating something that died in order for them to live and be on with their day.

Sure, I don’t like the idea of cows being stacked on top of each other or hormones being injected into animals. It’s all kinda gross when you really think about it. However, if you told me that the bacon I ate this morning came from a pig that had a beautiful life where he galloped through fields of cotton candy and sh*t out sugary love — I’d still feel relatively the same about eating meat: something once alive died so that I could continue living.

I think, in some sick way, that it’s natural humans have evolved in this way. We have become mass producers of everything else because it is economically and time sensible. So why wouldn’t we do the same with meat?

Again, I’m not hating on vegetarians…but I am pretty f*cking tired of being accused of being a cruel animal hater just because I think they taste delicious.

Anyone out there with me?

Last episode

This episode begins with the girls working out. I’d been wondering if the girls worked out while they were there, especially KJ, Daisy and Megan, because they seem to be in the best shape and you have to work to maintain that sort of thing.

After the workout, KJ calls Joe, her second husband with whom she hadn’t spoken in two weeks, and starts telling him in her vague crazy way that she really wants a divorce.

You crazy broad, I thought that you’d already filed for divorce?!? Joe’s reaction makes it clear that things were possibly heading toward reconciliation before KJ fell in love with Bret. In like three days. She loves him. Please.

Bret escaped the house while all of the above transpired. I don’t blame him. Though I wonder if he was driving through LA with top down on his car while blaring Poison. Because that would be the smoothest move and he might get some non-reality show camera whore tail.

Big John and his super slick hair deliver the “sexy six” their strip-o-gram. Did he smooth his hair when he walked away? He is the true star of this show.

KJ wants to find Bret and let him know that she’s getting a divorce and when she can’t find him, she tells Ambre what’s going on. Ambre was under the same impression as me about KJ’s divorce and was all ‘I thought that you’d already filed for divorce, you crazy crier.’

“No wonder Bret doesn’t trust you.” That’s right, Ambre.

Bret returns and describes the challenge: make a music video for two of his songs. One team will get a ballad called “Fallen” and the other team will do “Go That Far”, which is the show’s theme song.

Each team of three will have a creative director and for the team that wins, two girls will get a group date and the creative director will get a solo date that night.

It goes down this way: Destiney is the creative director for “Go That Far” and Daisy and Jessica are on her team. Daisy’s going to end up on a pole, I know it.

Ambre is the creative director for “Fallen” and gets to deal with the crazy that is KJ and the stupid that is Megan. Good luck, Ambre.

Dean Karr is going to help the two groups make and edit their videos in the three hours that they are allotted.

WTF is Destiney wearing on her head? It sparkles. And Daisy said that Destiney has done videos – oh, God, what kind? Destiney and her pimp hat are not feeling Daisy and her blowfish pushy directorial ways. Her ideas are pretty terrible.

Daisy has the camera in hand and she can’t hold it and walk at the same time. Just stick her in a stripper cage and let her shine. And did Bret buy her that slut pink cutout spandex outfit or has she worn it before? She looks like a superhero. Spread Eagle Blowfish.

For “Fallen”, it looks like video will consist of KJ crying. That’s a stretch. What’s Megan’s role?

And Daisy’s on a pole. Dean Karr is spending all his time with this group and I’m not surprised.

Now Megan’s angrily hanging up a phone. What are they doing with this?

I think that Destiney’s team is going to win. They are very naked and Bret’s predictable.

When it comes down to the final editing, Ambre’s team experiences a system crash and Destiney’s team editor looks less than thrilled to be listening to Daisy, Destiney and Jessica fighting about how the video should look.

Ambre’s team and their editing computer pull through and we get to see the videos.

“Fallen” – KJ is crying in bed. She touches the phone – like caresses it, which is weird. Megan is half naked and tries to get her out of bed. Then Megan’s on the phone and does some bad angry gesticulating and the angry slam. Then KJ runs down the stairs to answer the door and she gets a rose. Who was at the door, the Bachelor? They edit in Bret throughout the video and he looks OLD.

“Go That Far” – Jessica enters the house in a school girl outfit and then gets made up to be a tramp? Take your finger out of your mouth. Is that actual girl on girl action??! Yep, Daisy’s on the pole. OMG, the video is crazy dirty and will totally win.

Even Ambre thinks that Destiney’s team won.

BUT Bret surprises us all and chooses “Fallen” and I’m completely shocked.

Destiney goes on a kitchen rampage about KJ getting to go on another date and is all “Why are you still here?” Daisy calls her “Crappy Joe” and then cries blowfish tears. Why are you crying? Because you didn’t win a date? Or did you look in the mirror?

Ambre’s date is in Bret’s room and Satish, the Eastern Master Healer, is going to do their chakras or read their chakras – whatever it is that you do with chakras. As long as their chakras don’t have sex, I can watch.

Ambre says that she’s 32. Noooooo way. You are lying. You are easily 39. Satish says that they’ve known each other since the 12th century. Too easy to follow her age with that revelation. I can’t.

KJ’s knocking on the door and Bret looks less than thrilled to see her. He’s on a date, calm the f*ck down, KJ. Tell him later.

Ha! Not only did he send her away, Bret sends Satish up to KJ who could use some chakra healing.

Ambre is pissed about KJ’s interruption. Confrontation to come! Ambre’s got a backbone and I like it.

Satish is talking to KJ about sad trees, crazy mountains and frustrated oceans. KJ knows all about that crazy mountain, don’t you, crazy broad?

After making out with Ambre’s chakra, Bret ends the date and calls down KJ. All of the girls wait outside on the stairs like stray cats as KJ is once again in Bret’s room.

KJ tells Bret what she needed to tell him and yeah, Bret also didn’t know that KJ had not yet started with the divorce proceedings.

Jessica’s crying her sweet Jessica tears. Wow. I feel badly for her and her cuteness, but is it that emotional? Is KJ that crazy?

Next day: KJ and Megan meet Bret at the Shade Hotel for their date. Can anyone tell me how Megan ended up straddling Bret? KJ walks away. She’s not so crazy that she’d stay to watch.

Megan and Bret haven’t talked a lot but rather than remedy that, Bret just keeps making out with her. You cannot connect to the stupid, Bret, just listen to me already!

After like an hour, Bret remembers that KJ is on the date too and trades girls for alone time. KJ admits to some crazy and then Megan returns.

After the date, Ambre confronts KJ and I’ll sum it up with Ambre shouting, “You’re f*cking with Bret and you’re f*cking with me and I’m sick of it!”

Indeed.

Time for eliminations. This episode went by quickly for once.

Jessica has officially won me over. She reps the normal girls out there and I appreciate it.

The final two without a pass are Megan and KJ. I recognize how annoyingly crazy KJ is, but Megan is stupid and I haaaaaate stupid.

Bret calls down KJ and Megan looks hurt. He asks KJ if she’ll stay in the house and the girls and I cannot believe that he’s putting the decision in her hands. She’s crying. Yawn.

KJ finally says that she needs to go home and take care of her life. Bret walks her out, which is kind of sad. Like I actually feel badly for Bret because he voluntarily put up with that crazy for – what – 12 days? How long have they been there? At least she’s all packed and ready to go with her jillion bags.

So stupid Megan is in. He doesn’t have a pass for her, she gets no speech.

But there is no Bret Beer Toast to celebrate – he walks out.

Next time: The exes show up and that is going to rock so hard, I cannot wait for that. Heather shows up, gets everyone drunk, makes them expose their tatters and Jessica dies. Just kidding – she just pukes pretty hard from drinking a beer.

It’s morning at the Bret House O’ Tramps and Inna’s having a rough time because during the previous elimination, Bret told her that he feels like they are losing their connection. (Like wireless?)

Inna says that as she feels more for Bret, she knows that she’s not stepping up. Meaning that she’s keeping her pants on. It’s got to be exhausting to be in that house for any amount of time dealing with all of the stupid and the tramps.

Big John and his freshly done ‘do give the girls their strip-o-gram outlining their challenge for the day. Two older ladies are in the living room with Bret and he tells the girls that he and Big John are big supporters of the troops. By ‘big supporters’, he’s clearly referring to their flag bandanas, as they have matching ones I’m sure.

So June and Arlene have been USO performers since 1956 and they are going to help the girls with their routines–because these talentless chicks are going to perform in three teams of two and one solo act for a date with Bret. Poor Arlene and June.

Stupid Megan wants to hoola hoop with Jessica; Daisy’s going to sing a solo (I cannot wait); Destiney and Inna are going to dance. (Their lesson with USO lady June demonstrates that they only know how to use a pole.) Ambre and KJ are going to do vaudeville? Tap dance and comedy? That’s gonna suck. They have one hour to learn their routines.

Megan and Jessica are going to recite the Preamble to the Constitution as they hoola hoop and Megan’s brain might melt. Megan’s goes on and on about not knowing “these words” like it’s all written in Sanskrit. Poor Jessica is trying to explain that “these words” mean that she’s free to be a useless ditz and not be shot for it. Too bad they aren’t doing the Emancipation Proclamation. I bet you know how to say ‘proposition’, you idiot.

Daisy’s going to sign the National Anthem. I can’t wait to hear her screw it up.

After their lessons, the girls go off to rehearsal. How can Inna and Destiney not dance in heels? I thought that strippers wore like six inches every night.

And why are these USO costumes so trampy?

Those poor Vets. It’s showtime and Bret’s in the audience and totally nervous. I’m not.

The audience will decide the winner. Even better.

First up: Stars and Taps. Ambre can tap; KJ – sucks.

Hoola Hoops for Our Troops: They take off their dresses. Great. Jessica does most of the recitation. Megan did remember some of “these words” and they both whoop at the end just like the founding fathers did once they’d all signed the Constitution.

Rock of Love Rockets: How do you grind to this? Wow. Wow. They bent over with those booty shorts on. In front of the Vets. Too bad they didn’t charge for this. Who’s got a dolla bill y’all? The guy hosting comes on as they leave the stage to say: “We do have a pole – it has our flag on it.” Thank you, Host Guy.

Bret says that their performance was horrific. Yes, Bret. It was fabulously horrific.

And we end with Daisy the Blowfish. People stand as she begins and OH MY GOD. She can’t read the words off of her page. And she has no breath control. Or tone. Wow.

She camera-compliments her performance: “I’m proud of myself.”

You have remarkably low standards, my blowfish friend.

And the winner is: who could possibly win? The one who gets the loudest laughter?

The audience applause determines that Jessica and Meagan are the winners.

Back at the house: Bret’s somehow proud and hosts dinner for the seven. This is gonna be a mess.

Call out time comes quickly – Bret kind of encourages it with this, “Who’s here for the right/wrong reasons?” No one wants to answer to answer until Ambre grows a set and is brutally honest in her distrust of KJ. She’s like crying and pretty passionate about what she has to say. Then the mess is in full swing:

“We’re sharing our feelings” – Destiney

“Shut up skank” – KJ

Screaming. Bleeping.

“I don’t have to answer them” – KJ.

Bret’s not buying it, he gets pissed and he leaves dinner. I’d be pissed if I had to listen to those screaming whores. Utter dysfunction.

So of course KJ packs. Because she’s crazy.

Megan is human for 2 seconds and consoles a guilty Ambre for calling out KJ. Why do you feel guilty?

Anyway, Bret goes to talk to KJ who does care about what everyone has to say and calling her out everyday. “It’s always about ‘I’m going.’” Just let her go, Bret. It’s not hard.

Moving on to the date: Ed Hardy store. Custom cut shirts. Bor-ring.

KJ is still packing. How much sh*t did you bring that you’re packing into the next day? You’re there for what – 3 weeks max?

Megan calls J. pathetic for not having had stuff bought for her. I. Hate. Megan.

KJ is writing a letter – Ambre wants to talk to KJ – she apologizes.

Jessica and Megan tell on Inna for yelling at the USO lady. Did she? I don’t remember.

Okay, so eliminations – no one is feeling confident and I don’t understand why everyone is so somber.

John means business because he’s bandana-less again. I like Daisy’s hair. KJ’s dress is frilly. It must have taken up one bag on its own. Bret’s emotinoally and physically spent. I don’t care.

When it is down to KJ and Inna I’m sure that Inna’s out. I am suprised though b/c I thought Inna would make it to the final four.

Bret calls down Inna – he’s letting her go because she lost steam but she doesn’t seem sad.

Is KJ manipulative? I have no idea, but I know I can’t stay on the ‘I like KJ’ train anymore.

Next time: music videos; KJ’s getting divorced. “You are f*cking with everyone and I’m sick of it.”

Last time

Episode 6 starts bright and early in the morning. Bret wakes up the girls and Big John, who I find to be more and more intriguing with each episode, hands Pey-ton a Bret-O-Gram (what the hell are they calling these?) to read aloud outlining the challenge for the day.

Where is Bret from, like, Pittsburgh? Any Pittsburgh girls want to come out and tell me if there are any cowboys out where you are?

I ask because the challenge is broken down into three events involving greased pigs, lassoing and horses. Anyway, Rodeo and her “hellish laugh” come out on a horse to help with the Rocker Rodeo Relay and I hate the people who named this challenge. Just like the Mud Bowl, there will be two teams and the MVP will win a solo date while the remaining winning team members get a group date.

Team captains again get to choose their teammates. Catherine and her beehive lead the blue team (Inna, Peyton, Daisy and Megan) and Ambre leads the red team (Destiney, KJ and Jesssica).

Stupid Megan thinks that the girls are jealous of her hotness and that’s why no one picks her. No, stupid, it’s because you probably don’t understand the rules of the games without diagrams and finger paint.

I can’t even figure out what’s going on with the lasso. Are they lassoing a bale of hay? The horses just ran off. Do we need the horses?

Turns out that we do – Catherine and Ambre have to ride them like 20 feet – and that’s it? They just ride them?

All of a sudden we’re on to pig wrangling? They have to get the bandanas off of these greased pigs. Oooh, okay. Suddenly, I think that I know how Megan feels.

Again, what’s up with all of the exposed tummies? And what’s the point of Rodeo even showing up for this episode? None? Just checking.

Daisy the Blowfish thinks that the pigs went to college because they are so smart. The pigs have one strategy: to not be touched by the belly exposing skanks. No college involved. I promise.

So the red team wins because Do Nothing Jessica DID something. She grabs the final bandana! She speaks! And she wins MVP!

The group date is later on that night and KJ, Destiney and Ambre are going with Bret to a restaurant called Opaque. Bret calls it “fine dining in complete darkness.” Yeah, allow me to disagree on that, my friend, since we all know what’s going to go down. Why are they bothering with the food? Oh, great, night vision cameras. Because the sound effects wouldn’t be enough.

Ambre is talking about being a cheerleader in high school in 1963 or whatever and KJ is alllll over Bret; so much so that he can’t hear Ambre. How can she not hear the make out sounds? Then KJ turns freak and a little violent and Destiney and Ambre get wise to what might be going on. When KJ and Destiney go to the ladies room (at least they don’t have to pee in total darkness) Ambre pounces on Bret and WTF? How is the place a real restaurant? Who EATS there? I cannot take this show right now.

At the end of the date, Bret camera-defines the experience as having “brought out our other senses” and by senses he means saliva and an erection.

After the date, Bret chooses to spend time with Kristy Queen of Restraining Orders Joe. Everyone gets super pissed off but they can all keep their spandex on; Bret chose to hang with her.

KJ is wrapped in a blanket that belongs on Flav’s floor and Bret tells her that he wants her to be emotionally available and then seems to not really trust her – but then he asks her to stay in his room and “cuddle.” Bret Michaels doesn’t cuddle. Just a hunch.

The best part of this is that Daisy appears to be waiting outside of Bret’s locked doors as the hours tick by. Ha.

Poor Catherine, who never had a date, makes breakfast for Bret so that she can force her own date on him. Megan calls Catherine an old horse that needs to be shot! Can’t someone bust out with the Beauty and the Geek 2 revelation already?

Bret is clearly worn out from all of that cuddling and Catherine wakes him up to make him eat – what did she make? I can’t tell. She ends up kissing him and all I’m thinking is that he tastes like morning breath, breakfast food and KJ. Plus, he had sex with Daisy on those sheets. Catherine’s leg should be burning any second now…

So this is the day of the solo date and Jessica’s camera time after like 20 episodes. She’s a pretty girl and she seems really sweet so now I kind of feel badly for ragging on her do nothing status. Even though she appeared to totally do nothing before. Anyway –

They’re paintballing for their date, which seems like fun. Big John is going to serve as the sniper – which is fitting since we learn that Big John is a US Marine. And he was a sniper. Can Big John have an episode dedicated to him? After Trantastique, I’d totally spend a lot of house time with Big John.

So anyway blah blah paintball and Jessica and Bret sit down together for dinner and when Jessica says to Bret, “You make me feel safe” she makes me feel pretty nauseated. HOW could he possibly make you feel safe? You don’t mean emotionally, right, since there are 80 other women competing for his affection?

Bret and Jessica return so that Bret can prep for eliminations! Finally!!

Daisy the Blowfish is a big fan of “I don’t know what Bret’s talking about” and “I’m freaking out.” Like we hear these phrases come out of her mouth at each elimination. I expect more from someone who’s slept with him. You should know him a little bit better than I do, since I don’t find him confusing and I know him from the comfort of my couch.

I’m afraid that Pey-ton and Catherine are leaving but I hope that somehow Megan is sent home.

Bret’s eyeliner is on THICK. John’s wearing a bandana and I’m disappointed because I like to see his hair.

Jessica gets the first pass and it is utter cuteness. There are puppies and kittens everywhere.

Stupid Megan is still in. Destiney’s bustier is from the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog. I totally almost bought it in black for Halloween.

It’s down to Inna, Catherine and Peyton and I was totally right – Peyton and Catherine are sent home. Bret tells Peyton that he wants to keep her as a friend which makes me sad for her because she actually seemed to want to be with him.

Catherine is surrounded by the sweet guitar music from the first episode as she says goodbye. As she and her beehive depart, I know that she too was probably there for Bret. And yet stupid Megan is still standing.

Next time: Stripping for the USO. KJ is there for her career – she has a career? And the one with the most stripperish name (talking to you, Destiney) calls her out for that.

It’s the morning of Episode 5 in the ROL house and nine girls remain. Rather, three women, one dummie and five skanks. Big John gathers the naughty nine or whatever Bret’s calling them; I don’t know because I’m so fixated on Big John’s scarfless head. Unlike Bret, lurking under Big John’s scarf is a full head of his own hair. He even styled it. Big John’s on the prowl for leftovers!

The challenge for this episode is Bret’s Mud Bowl 2. Daisy the Blowfish says that she’s never played – good, I hope that you get injured.

The teams are named the Sweethearts and the Fallen Angels, which sound like cheesy girl biker gang names. Bret looks absolutely ridiculous in shorts with those chicken legs. Dude, my grandpa’s legs are buffer than yours.

This game will feature Bret as a quarterback, Big John as the ref and the controller of weather.

Naturally, Catherine with the beehive is captain of the Sweethearts and Destiney is the captain of the Fallen Angels. The captains get to choose their teams of four but because there is an uneven number, one will be left out without a chance at a date. The team that wins will get a group date, their MVP gets a solo date. Stupid Megan is not chosen and I think that she’ll be spending most of the game trying to figure out the math on how the teams were split up.

I hope that she gets tackled on the sideline.

Kick off in the rain. Please kick each others asses and actually entertain me. Why do guys have an unnatural love for muddy ass? It’s not hot.

Daisy the Blowfish camera-dramatizes the girls being stupid about football. Better than being generally stupid like you, fish lips.

Ambre scores two to touchdowns for the Sweethearts, KJ scores one for the Fallen Angles and then fake snow falls on the field. The slipping and sliding looks painful, but Bret gets his muddy girls and that’s all the matters. Who cares if they get hurt, right, Bret? Douche.

Daisy the Blowfish gets desperate and starts to actually play. Inna is disappointing me until she scores and ties things up. As the girls get ready to play Sudden Death to determine the winner, I notice that Bret is far too clean for being on that field while everyone else is getting hurt and dirty. Someone tackle Bret.

Ambre’s back hurts and I’m sure that she could use some geritol right about now.

Sudden Death kicks off in the rain and Ambre looks like she has the game sealed until she fumbles and Daisy the Blowfish Skank grabs it, runs with it, and scores (did they just moon Bret?!). KJ, Inna and Destiney win the group date, and the Most Valuable Skank, Daisy, gets the solo date. Ambre the Injured gets her geritol.

Daisy the Blowfish Skank is nervous about having her first real date with Bret – yet she ALREADY HAD SEX WITH HIM. Bret takes his silicone skank goddess to a trashy lingerie store for their date. Seriously? Is he going to buy this shit for her? Oh, God, I have to watch her try it all on. Her body is hot, but her face could stop a truck.

Catherine and Whiskey Voiced Peyton have an General Foods International Coffee moment as they worry about their status over the fire pit.

Bret and Skank Spice Daisy eat dinner in the lingerie store, where Daisy keeps on a trashy dress and bores Bret with her questions. The best one: “Do you like to travel?” OMG, the best. question ever. Because he’s on tour nine months of the year.

Peyton’s worry prompts her to writes Bret a note and put it on Bret’s door. Megan writes one, too, and declares that Peyton’s note is “ugly”; I guess when you’re stupid, notes can fall under the ugly category.

Wait – she can write? And read that the other note is from Peyton? I love how she pronounces Peyton’s name – “Pey-ton” like she’s still hooked on phonics. Peyton sees that her note is missing and Stupid Megan lies about removing it. PUNCH HER, PEY-TON!!! For me. Please? Megan removes Pey-ton’s second note. I hate you, Stupid Megan.

Bret returns from the date and everyone plays a game of pool. Catherine uses her cue skills to get some time with Bret and then Daisy the Blowfish camera-insults her by calling her Peggy Bundy. Sure, Catherine has a little beehive, but YOU, Skank Spice, will not look like that when you’re 45, so shut up. I love that when Daisy tries to interrupt them that she gets shut down and then feels rejected when Bret chooses to sleep alone.

The next day, Ambre’s bruised up from the game and I feel badly about my old lady geritol jabs.

Group date: Inna, KJ and Destiney meet Bret at a racetrack, where he pulls up in a Lotus, which is pretty hot. He makes them dress up in these awful spandex jumpsuits which are totally not hot. Destiney drives first around the track, then KJ and then Inna and her massive cleavage.

After they drive, they sit down for lunch on the track, which is way, way better than dinner in a lingerie store – I’m just saying. Bret talks about the girls and brings up Do Nothing Jessica, whom he says is very nice. Yawn.

KJ talks about her restraining orders on Ex #1 and soon to be Ex #2. That sounds so trailer park and I wonder at what point Bret says, “You know what? That’s f*cking crazy and I’m afraid of the idea of being with you.” I mean, I like her, but I’m not a guy so I don’t have to worry about that mess.

Back at the house, Peyton’s fiending for Bret time and the air is thick with Lady Stetson and desperation. Bret smells it when he gets home and talks to Peyton. She busts out with the tears and says, “Are you attracted to me?” What follows is the most convoluted and strange non-rejection rejection that I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t even record, it left me so dumbfounded. Just say no, man.

Elimination time! You can ignore that exclamation point. Since I couldn’t even tell you who’s leaving, I’m not as excited about it.

Stupid Megan thinks that she and Bret have a “mental Superman psychological connection.” I was stricken with some temporary Megan brand stupidity upon hearing that and was unable to take notes for a minute or two. When I recover from the Ditz Bomb that Megan dropped, I notice that Megan is in a bra and I don’t know how much more of this idiot that I can handle.

And then the idiot gets a pass. Of course. Pey-ton, you’d best kick her ass if you don’t get yours. Do Nothing Jessica is somehow still in. Pey-ton gets called and…

DAISY THE BLOWFISH SKANK IS WITHOUT A PASS. Rejoice! Peyton is chosen and we get to see her possibly destroy Megan in the next episode!!

Wait – what? He saved the best for last? She’s staying?

I throw my notes at Bret’s eyeliner and weave.

I am so pissed off. He wanted to be nice and give everyone a chance, sleep with Daisy again and possibly exchange Aqua Net tips with Catherine.

Next week: Two will be kicked off as Rodeo brings back her crazy eyes, the big laugh, and the wrinkles for some challenge that involves horses and pig wrestling. Delicious.

Onward…

The morning of episode 2 begins with Peyton the whiskey voiced informing whiskey hangover Courtney that she’s out. A girl named Sara makes known that her family has no idea where she is and that she’s on the show because of a dare. Since Aubry fang face is already labeled as the big mouth, she runs to tell Bret, who keeps that information in his jeans pocket.

Trantastique reads the challenge and despite the subtitles, I have no idea what she said.

Niki with the two-tone hair translates it and thinks that they’re going to be in a talent show. Turns out, the girls have to perform in a peep show booth for 30 seconds. If he likes when he sees, Bret will pop in a token for 15 extra seconds.

Wow. Nice to bring that 8th Avenue/New York City 25 cent peep show class to L.A.

So, yeah, three winners get a date with Bret. Trantastique decides to make a chocolate mousse and cake and I’m scared that it’s somehow going to end up on her body to help demonstrate her talent.

I assumed that I’d see a lot of tatas since the talent in this group is far from stellar. The peep show begins, and the rest of the girls watch from another room as Destiney does Kung Fu and a few read some hysterically elementary poetry that they wrote. Ice Princess Kristy Joe rocks it, ironing clothes all dressed like a tramp and then ripping off her shirt–which, for some reason, isn’t even trampy when she does it. Megan does ditzy thong magic. Inna disappoints with her cherry stem tying; like you haven’t been able to do that since you were six. I fully expected her to do some contortionist sh*t because she seems like a freak.

More non-talent talent: Daisy the Blowfish sings in what looks like a pink shiny lycra suit with cutouts. Whiskey voiced Peyton totally rocks me – she plays guitar and sings and I suddenly find her to be the most attractive of the bunch; and I think that Bret concurs.

Last up is Trantastique, who takes off her clothes and puts her breasts against the glass. But then it either gets better because I called it or far worse. Because I called it. She rubs her baked goods on her breasts and I think that she eats it off of herself. I’m not sure because I changed the channel momentarily. Did I not tell you that my eyes would get gonorrhea?

The winners are Peyton, Daisy and Ambre, who I found to be boring, wrapping herself as a present, asking Bret if he liked her “little booty.”

After the contest, VIPs and Jessica get their beauty rest while the others stay awake and listen to Bret plays his 1988 hit, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” In his annoyance at the VIP girls daring to go to bed, Bret decides that there will be a dance competition in order to give away some VIP time. Who does he think he is, Puff Daddy? He’s going to get a pants off dance off, not real dancing.

Oh, wait, that’s what he wants.

The episode continues with a new day and a new note from Bret explaing that after the date, three will be eliminated that night. During the date, the VIPs decide to make Brett a card, complete with glitter. Make sure you spray the elbow macaroni gold for that extra special touch. Nothing says I’m sorry like glitter and gold splattered elbow macaroni.

The actual date is ATV riding (which kinda looks like a lot of fun). I hope that Daisy the Blowfish falls off and that something on her anatomy bursts, but, alas, she stays on. During their lunch, Bret feels unconnected to Ambre and takes her off for some personal time.

Back at the house: Inna and Trantastique prepare a room for the dance off as the VIPs squeal over their glitter card. They get dressed up and wait in front of the door for him. Inna and Trantastique dress like strippers and also wait for Bret. And then it’s on! Dueling tramps! VIPs move closer to the door and wait. The strippers follow. E ven though it’s two against three, Inna will kick VIP ass. It’s not saying much, but she’s still smarter than them.

Bret puts Inna and Trantastique in charge of judging, which is too bad because I would have loved to see them dance. The three winners will receive VIP passes, allowing them to cut in and steal Bret time away from another girl.

The girls take time to get ready and as they gather, I seriously wonder where they get this tramp gear. Like they seem to actually own and wear this stuff, as opposed to buying it strictly for being on the show. I think that I’m impressed by it.

Each girl has to pick an old school dance from a hat, but who the hell chose these dances? The Shopping Cart? And can anyone actually Moon Walk? So this dance off is uber disappointing, but Roxy’s Funky Chicken, Daisy the Blowfish’s Pony and Destiney’s I-can’t-remember-what-it-was dance win.

Niki camera-laments that she’s going home. Yes, Niki, I think that you are right.

During the commercial break, I wonder how Trantastique came to be; where and how she developed such overinflated self-esteem. Whether or not she’d end up with her own show after she gets kicked off; because I’d watch that and recap it in like a second. (Hint, hint, VH1).

Elimination time! Sara gets called out for being there on a dare and not telling Bret that she was there for him, so she’s sent home. I say that Niki and Korie are going home. Notice how I haven’t mentioned Korie before this? Exactly. Niki says, “If I get sent home, I’m retarded.” Well, if that’s how you want to measure it…

Aaaand…Niki and Korie in fact go home. Niki is shocked that Trantastique is staying but come on – she took off her clothes and licked food off her breasts. Food that she made, no less.

Oh and because of Bret’s love and overuse of the word ‘connection’, I have decided to keep track of how many times he uses it per episode. Disconnect counts, too.

Connection count: 7

Next time: Lacey returns for the Roller Derby and I hope that someone breaks Lacey’s jaw. Also, the skanks turn against Ice Princess Kristy Joe.

But let’s get started, shall we?

Episode one is almost aptly named ‘Back on the Horse.’ Certain gossip blogs were kind of enough to post pictures of the contestants before the show’s premiere. Neigh. Is that the sound that horses make? It’s been a long time since pre-school.

I must admit that I was pulling for Brett in the first season. Despite the fact that Poison sucked and that he at times looks like a transvestite when he removes the bandana, I thought among the strippers in the house he’d find one with a heart of gold. Well, he did, but I digress…

In the beginning of the episode, Brett pulls up to the mansion and his hair looks like it was made in the Mattel factory. The girls don’t notice how unnaturally long or synthetic it is and cheer upon his arrival.

First girl I notice: Daisy. Her face reminds me of a blow up doll with those crazy injected ‘O’ lips. Brett gets down to business and singles out four of the twenty girls; the remaining 16 enter the house and immediately start drinking. You know it’s not even 11 a.m. up in that biznatch.

The four girls who were selected were seemingly up for dismissal, but it is a new season, my friends, and it turns out that they are VIP girls, with their own special VIP room and VIP gifts and VIP time later on with Brett on a make-out couch. Don’t even ask me about the other three VIP chicks because Daisy’s busted face is the ultimate diversion. The only thing that pulls my attention away from that mess of face is her announcement that she and the other three are ‘very important p****.’ If that’s not class personified…

Brett photographs the girls a la season one. It’s pretty standard until the French Angelique is up. Trantastique!, I say. Upon seeing the pool Angelique states, “I am going to have sex wis Brett in zis pool.”

My favorite girl is Kristy Joe because she has a “germ issue” and wiped Brett’s mouth before giving him a small kiss and I high five her in my head. She’s beautiful, so Brett overlooks her very rational fear. But really, KJ, WTF are you doing on Rock of Love if you’re germ phobic? Didn’t you watch the first season? Or see Brett’s Pam Anderson sex tape?

(I wish that Nick Lachey had done one of these shows after he and Jessica split up. It could have been called “98 Degrees of My Heart” or something like that and I so would have tried to be on that because he’s hot and I bet you $5 that you don’t need to bathe him in Clorox before you kiss him.)

VIP time and Megan is first. She’s a model. I’ll be sure to look for her on 3wisheslingerie.com after this. Destiney made a random bandana for Brett, which I’m sure he’ll never wear. You know that he couldn’t put it on in front of her because that would be exposing weave tracks.

Erin, my favorite VIP girl, is the last one to get her time. Erin is a super adorable rocker looking chick who could potentially be the Jes of this season. And then she talks. I don’t understand how Brett could be so bored listening to someone wax philosophical about how myspace taught her about the world.

After VIP time, it’s a free for all. Girls are kissing Brett; I think that some are kissing each other and I want to hose them down with penicillin. Out of the skank pit emerges Catherine, a 45 year old mother of two, who is so sweet that the people at VH1 who edited this episode dropped in some nice guitar music in the background while she speaks.

Finally, elimination time arrives– five are going home. Brett comes out wearing a ton of bronzer and laments that eliminations are so hard and blah blah.

After choosing 14 girls, only one pass remains. It looks like it’s between Erin and Jackeye (hurry up, Brett, I’ve got a paper that I’m neglecting).

Unfortunately, Erin and rock star hair must leave. I’m sure she’lll find solace and even more education in myspace.

My super early prediction is that germphobe Kristy Joe and Daisy the Blowfish will be the final two. Until the next episode, when the girls are challenged to do a peep show and my eyes get gonorrhea.

The stripper turned business woman took some time out of her insane schedule to talk to us at College Candy and had some interesting things to say about life, her plans for the future, and finding a house.

The insanity surrounding the show can break some (Has Rodeo really lost her mind? Heather won’t say…) but this girl seems to have her head on straight on how to fully utilize her reality fame. Here’s what the classiest broad on TV had to say:

College Candy: So what are you doing today?

Heather: Well right now I’m about to take a shower, then I have a big meeting with VH1. I’m meeting up with Brooke Hogan afterwards and she and I are going house shopping in LA together.

CC: Brooke Hogan?? How did you two hookup?

H: Brooke and I met at the Reality Show awards and totally hit it off. She’s a great girl and someone I really enjoy spending time with. She’s looking for a place too.

CC: That’s a whole lot of blonde; any chance it’ll be filmed?

H: I can’t discuss what I’m doing in terms of TV. It’s all very hush hush, but the meeting today with VH1 is to talk about what I’m doing next with them. People all over the internet want to know what’s going on with me so I’m trying to get something going so people can see.

CC: Are you really moving in with Chris Crocker?

H: No, I just threw that out there because I thought it would be funny idea. I was never really that serious about it but the press just ate it up and ran with it.

CC: Are you dating anyone?

H: No not at all. I really felt so exhausted after the whole dating show experience. The thought of putting myself out there is overwhelming. Right now I’m just trying to focus on myself and my career. I led a pretty crazy life before the show dancing in Vegas, so settling down and trying to get my career off the ground is about all I have time for.

CC: You were definitely made out to be the “House Stripper,” yet there were a number of other girls who shared your profession. Did you mind that you became the stripper character?

H: I was a little put off by it. Brandi M. and I danced in the same club for Christ sake. But it is TV and they have to make good characters to make good TV. I think I’m ok because I know where I come from. I was certainly the most educated woman in the house. I have associates’ and a B.A; I worked really hard to get those degrees and went through a lot. Stripping is something I did for a while because its good money and I could do it. It’s not who I am, and I know that. Right now I have all these things set in motion because I’m smart, not because I’m a stripper. I’m writing a book, I have a million projects in the works.

CC: What do you regret most about the show, if anything?

H: I certainly don’t regret doing the show. I loved being on the show, and I love the fans I have from it. I had strong feelings for Bret in the end and I got hurt, but that’s life. I do regret some of the things I said about the other girls. It is a competition, and we were all drunk all the time. The combination of those two things can make you say things you wouldn’t ordinarily say. I’m grateful that everyone realized that and I’m still really close to a lot of the girls from the show.

CC: So you don’t regret getting the tattoo?

H: Not at all! It was a rocking experience and everyone seems to love coming up and taking a look to see if it’s real. People love getting their picture taken with it. It’s like it has its own fame!

CC: Has Rodeo really lost her mind?

H: No comment….(long pause)…no really, no comment.

CC: Who else do you talk to from the show?

H: Brandi C. and Krystia I talk to all the time. Lacey and I hang out sometimes and are in touch. Jes and I have been playing phone tag, but we are doing an appearance together in Florida soon so I’m looking forward to seeing her. Myspace has been the place that I’m able to keep in touch with everyone because I’ve really been so busy.

CC: Did you really leave Bret for dead on the dune buggies?

H: That was another thing that really pissed me off about the show. They made it seem like I didn’t care at all about Bret feeling sick. He was the one who wanted to keep going, and everything having to do with me helping him was edited right out because they needed the “Jes cares, Heather doesn’t” storyline. I also never ever said that I would share him. That was a total fabrication on the part of the editors.

CC: Well Heather thanks so much for talking with us today. Your hair is looking hot by the way.

H: Haha, thank you! Sometimes I feel like I play second fiddle to my hair and my tattoo! I feel like they should get their own show.

CC: It’s a good idea; you should bring that up in the meeting.

Heather ran off to go to her secret meeting at VH1 leaving us with so many burning questions. Is she going to get her own show? Will she be making a comeback a la New York on Rock of Love 2? According to Heather we are just going to have to stay tuned.

Until then we can see Heather all over the internet (she loves her Myspace) and making various appearances around the country.

For those of you who missed the airing, or the hundred replays this week on VH1, I offer you this recap of all that went down on the final episode of my favorite show this year.

The show was hosted by Riki Rachtman. (for those of you who were three when he was famous, Rachtman was the host of Headbanger’s Ball in the 80’s and a close friend of Axl Rose).

Rachtman brought out the “Barbie Twins” first; Kristia and Brandi C. These two are either really stupid, or incredibly good at using their dumb acts to their advantage. The two are living together in Los Angeles and often share the same bed. They like to put their enormous breasts together to think better. This gets Bret “a little turned on.” Apparently everyone on reality TV has a clothing line coming out, and these two are no exception. I’m sure it’s going to do really well. Right?

Then comes a crowd favorite- crazy crazy Rodeo. She still has that really nutty look in her eye and tells Bret that she wants a second chance with him. He tries with all his might to ignore the comment and not make things incredibly awkward. They are, and become even more awkward when Rodeo pulls out her Barbeque sauce and plugs. That’s right Rodeo makes Barbeque sauce and it’s organic to boot. Her sex noises however turned Bret on.

Next, Riki calls down of my personal favorite gals, Sam, and she looks cute as ever. Sam tells Riki and Bret that she was grossed out by Bret’s sex with Lacey and threesomes with the twins. She didn’t know what she expected but she knew she was better than them. So when she left she knew it was right and Bret was not someone she was going to have an intimate mental connection with. Bret says he was turned on by the F-you kiss she gave him.

Lacey time! The crazy self-made villain comes out guns blazing. She’s ready for anything and actually presents herself fairly well. She’s in some sort of production with VH1 to host a rocker show (yes the trust fund baby, so rock and roll). She fully admits to sleeping with Bret which I have to give her props for because at least she’s not evil and a liar. Her and Dallas start to go at it again in regards to animal rights (who cares?!) and Lacey gives Dallas a T-Shirt she made that says “Dallas Loves Michael Vick.” Dallas responds by saying she doesn’t date black men. Can this shit get any better? Heather and Lacey kiss and make up, and decide they both aren’t whores after all. Bret pops a boner.

Heather looks amazing, sporting a faux “Sucks” tattoo under the now infamously permanent “Bret” insignia on the back of her neck. She seems to have transcended the 80’s hair and she looks gorgeous. Being rejected by Bret has done good things for her. She says that she still cares about Bret, and he’ll be in her heart forever and vice versa. Blah blah, Bret says he still wants to f*&^ her.

Jes finally comes out and there is an awkward cheek kiss. They haven’t spoken in six months and she’s clearly pissed off about the way he treated her after the show wrapped. She says flat out he belongs with Heather, and Bret Michaels is too much of a pussy for actually admitting that he could fall in love with Heather.

As cool as Jes is, she did seem too cool for the entire show. Why on earth was she there? I gave her a lot of respect for passing her Rock of Love title onto Heather and the end of the show left us wondering, and wanting to know if Bret and Heather have found each other. I have a sneaking suspicion the answer is no, but that just means in about 6 months the void in my life will be able to be filled with “Rock of Love: 2.”