Dear Tuffy Luv,

Firstly, I can’t believe I’m graduating in a month and am meant to become a real, live, moneymaking member of society.  But what I am really worried about is what to do about my current relationship situation.

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend (we’ll call him J) since September.  This is my first serious relationship and it has been amazing.  A few bumps in the road, but I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been this happy and in love (yeah, I’m one of those nauseatingly happy couples — I apologize).  Problem is that J is British and he goes back home after graduation.

When we first started dating, I had the attitude that it was just for fun.  When my friends would ask me where I saw it going, I would answer something like “Everything is great, but since he has to leave in May, it kind of has an expiration date.”  Over the course of college, I have seen a few friends try a LDR and it has never ended well for any of them.  As a result, I’ve always had the attitude that it was something just not worth trying unless the two parties involved were hoping for some serious emotional torture.  Also, J is not at all my usual type, so I figured that it wouldn’t ever get to the point where I saw him as the guy I wanted to spend years and years with.

Obviously, I was wrong (as we all often are in these situations).  I want to stay with him, and I know he wants to stay with me too — he has made comments about me visiting him in England after graduation.  But, the pessimist that I am, I can’t help wondering if we haven’t been dating long enough to have the deep trust necessary for a VERY-long-distance relationship to work.

So, my question is… should I try this LDR thing? Or should we just go our separate ways until the logistics change–in an effort to avoid hurting each other and ruining what we could possibly have in the future? Either way, do you have any advice for how I should approach the situation? How to make an LDR work? Or how to break up with him (it kills me to even suggest this…) while making him realize it has nothing to do with how much I love him?

Thanks,
Wishing April Could Last Forever

Dear Wishing April Could Last Forever,

Disclaimer: This question is totally from a year ago. I had meant to answer it, but Aunt Tuffy sometimes gets overwhelmed by the volume of questions (sorry!!) and puts things aside and forgets to come back to them.

So, Wishing April, I apologize that my answer is a year late. But I’m publishing it anyway, because I think it could be useful to other girls in your situation.

So, it’s like, well, I think you should go for it.

I know. I know. I hate LDRs. I believe I has made that a-clear.

But in this case, you seem so into him. Sometimes, girl, love really is enough. And you won’t know until you try.

So, I say, what the floop!!! Throw caution to the wind and crap!!!

Look, you sound crazy about the kid. And it’s against all odds, right?! I mean, like, what’s to lose? You’re already expecting it to fall apart when he moves. If you’re really serious about this guy–which you totally seem to be–I think you owe it to yourself (and to him!) to see if it can work out.

Tips: Okay, you need a plan for this. So my advice is to have an end date. In other words, if you guys are still together in [X amount of time], then one of you will move so that you can be together. The two of you should start putting plans for the long term: whose home turf can you both find work at? Is it more important to be near his family or yours? What do you guys want for your potential future together and how can you make it happen?!?

If you can’t do that, then it wasn’t meant to be.

But if you guys can make a plan, and it’s a plan you don’t like, and you still love each other and want to be together, give it a shot!

If it doesn’t work out, hey, you saw it coming.

And if it does work out–well, you’ll have taken a chance on the love of your life and won it all.

Wishing April, I really hope it worked out for you!!! If you see this, let us know! (Post your real first name [which you signed in your email] so Aunt Tuffy knows it’s really you.)

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

[Lead image via Jean Lee/Shutterstock]

Dear friends who thought I would stop ranting about Valentine’s Day once I was in a relationship, I’m sorry; you were mistaken.

I know I’m not the only person that rants about V-Day (coupled or otherwise). My new favourite Tumblr account, Occupy Valentine’s Day, proves it. Created by Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Life author (and Executive Editor of Feministing), Samhita Mukhopadhyay, the site is collecting stories of love that are not limited to the commercial definition. The site wants to change the culture of romance. For my contribution I’m going to share some facts you might not have known about V-Day.

• In the United States the cost of the 189 million red roses sold around February 14 adds up to a whopping $1.6 billion.
• California produces more roses than any other state, but Columbia and Ecuador produce 90% of roses sold in the US.
• 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent in the US, which if attached could make a chain wrapping around the world five times over.
• According to National Geographic the holiday originates from a “raucous annual Roman festivals where men stripped naked, grabbed goat- or dog-skin whips, and spanked young maidens in hopes of increasing their fertility.”
• National Geographic also reports this year V Day will generate $17.6 billion in sales. Up from last year, this shows the economy is getting better.
• 8 billion chalky conversation hearts will be produced this year.
• 11% of Americans get engaged on Valentine’s Day.
• Condom sales will increase by 20-30%.

Valentine’s Day has a truly obnoxious reputation. In its most popular form, I find it a totally worthless and empty affair. Couples are expected to fall over themselves to celebrate this totally arbitrary day in February because that’s what’s expected. There’s all of this make-or-break pressure that is usually put on the guys to make it the most romantic day ever, and us ladies are supposed to be shrieking, superficial harpies desperate for blood diamonds, overpriced chocolate, flowers that will die in two seconds and a dinner that breaks the bank. Heaven forbid you’re single, then you are expected to be utterly miserable because your life obviously has no meaning. It’s a mess.

Therefore, I’m totally up for reclaiming this day and making it about sexy self-indulgence. That’s definitely something our society doesn’t value nearly as much as it should; and I mean, who isn’t in love with feeling sexy and sensual, whether it’s for a partner or for yourself?  I was given the incredible opportunity to review an array of sexy products. While a few of them are couple-centric, the vast majority are totally appropriate if you’re riding solo.

initiating the gallery...

In accordance with FTC guidelines, I must disclose that I was given these products free exchange in exchange for my honest assessment. 

[Lead image via Zametalov/Shutterstock]

“I don’t know if we should talk about this…”

“And why not? Everybody has sex!”

“Yeah, but everybody should be making love.”

“Come on, how many guys do you know making love?”

–Salt N Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”

In the past six months, I’ve had sex. I’ve been laid. I f*cked. However, it’s been a long time since I’ve made love, and I kind of miss it. Some people might argue that there’s no difference – physically, they are the same. But emotionally, passionately, and mentally, the two deeds are very different.

1. The First Time.

The first time you make love with your partner, it’s usually a very special moment. It’s often planned out in advance, especially in new relationships. There’s often sensual foreplay, and your bodies fit together perfectly.

If it’s your first time with a new partner and you’re just having sex, it may be spontaneous. Your partner may not be your boyfriend, or even your crush, and the decision to go all the way is frequently a hormonal (thanks, booze!) impulse. First time sex can be sloppy and awkward as you try to find the right position, and after everything’s said and done, it feels like there was something missing.

2. Your BAC.

I’ve heard of drunken sex, but I’ve never heard of inebriated love-making. If anyone has experienced the urban legend of wasted love-making, I’d love to hear about it.

3. The Setting.

If you’re about to copulate in a dim room filled with candles, on a bed covered with rose petals, you’re probably going to make love. If you’re going to do it in the backseat of a car, an airplane bathroom, an elevator, or another compact space that may have legal repercussions attached, it’s sex.

Al fresco sex/love-making is a grey area. Sure, sex on the beach or in the woods may sound like a fairy tale scenario, but dirt in sand in uncomfortable places can ruin the romance.

4. The Soundtrack.

Lovemaking songs include “The Fear You Won’t Fall” by Joshua Radin or “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones (or any cover version, including Mazzy Star, Jewel, or the Sundays). F*cking songs range from “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry to “Every Girl” by Lil’ Wayne. Do you really want to ride someone when the words “You f— so good I’m on top of it” blare from the stereo? Likewise, “Birthday Sex” by Jeremih is a bit tacky.

Sure, there isn’t always music playing when you’re doing it, but if you could have picked a song to illustrate last night’s mood, which would you pick?

5. The Aftermath.

Lovemaking includes mutual orgasms, followed by spooning and cuddling. If you’re in a relationship, your boyfriend’s post-sex behavior could include promptly rolling over and falling asleep, or the phrase “That was great,” despite the fact that you didn’t get off. If you’re single, you’ll take the walk of shame after a long night of sex. In those rare occasions that you’ve made love to someone without commitment, it could turn into breakfast in the morning, a few more rounds, and maybe even a new relationship.

In my opinion (and experience), it’s far more common to have sex than to make love. However, this means that when you do find yourself both emotionally and physically stimulated with a partner you care for very deeply, you appreciate the art of lovemaking so much more than that one-night stand a few months ago with whatshisname.

Any other differences between “sex” and “making love”? Share your thoughts below!

[This story was originally posted by Kathryn S.]

And of course, there are plenty more old faves where this came from.

Lesson 24: Nicholas Sparks Is Not The Author Of Your Life

If you have yet to endure the torture that is a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon, I highly suggest you look into it purely as a service to yourself. Though the sappy movies seem out of place in single girl world, they’re actually a pretty effective learning tool – of what not to do.

Nicholas Sparks, author of our favorite tear jerking, secret guilty pleasure movies, shared the formula to his book-to-movie love stories. “(Romances) are all essentially the same story: You’ve got a woman, she’s down on her luck, she meets the handsome stranger who falls desperately in love with her, but he’s got these quirks, she must change him, and they have their conflicts, and then they end up happily ever after,” Sparks said.

While the roller coaster dramas from the likes of The Notebook and Dear John work beautifully on your television screen, they don’t transfer so well into reality. Even as Sparks’ novels point out some valid points about love, like that it can happen unexpectedly or that it can change a person or it’s tendency for turbulence, it’s imperative that single girls not set a “Nicholas Sparks Standard” for their love lives.

First things first, you don’t have to be down on your luck to fall in love. Plenty of women find love when they achieve all of the goals they set for themselves, when their lives are vibrant and full without the existence of a go-to plus one. And as much as I hate to sound like your mother, people tend to be attracted to other happy people. A damsel in distress does not always a love story make. So live your life, fall in love or don’t, but don’t think that love only comes along when you need to be lifted out of a rut.

Secondly, our modern dating scene does not cater well to the idea of falling “desperately in love.” Falling in love? Yes. Desperately? Not so much. I mean, what girl these days wants to be viewed as desperate? And if single girls spend so much energy trying not to appear desperate, what makes us think that single guys would want to be portrayed that way? What with school, social lives, family, mid-college crises, nobody our age has the time to fall “desperately in love.” Though there are always exceptions, nowadays carving your initials into a tree makes way for more efficient proclamations of his love, like a quickie text in between classes.

Lastly, changing a person rarely ensures a “happily ever after.” If there’s anything The Hills has taught me, it’s that you can’t change a person. (Sure, the trials and tribulations of Lauren Conrad are not the most credible source for wisdom, but good advice nonetheless.) Love is not a permission slip to change a man. Love can change people but people can’t change people.

There will always be those girls who believe their lives will someday be a Nicholas Sparks novel and they believe it to the core because they need to. Without the “Nicholas Sparks Standard” those girls wouldn’t survive because they’re too afraid to figure out a love story mold of their own. Truly great love stories exist but that doesn’t mean they have to follow the formula of the ones that have already been written.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 23 rules of the Single Girl Society right here.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I’m sure you’ve heard this phrase and a million others about how different men and women are. There are so many differences that we rely on our favorite dudes to help us analyze boy situations and constantly debate the difference between the sexes in terms of love, sex and relationships. But the differences don’t just stop there. According to new research, men and women also differ in how they indulge their sexual curiosity.

Ogi Ogas and Sam Gaddam have been analyzing billions of web searches and found that women are more likely to seek out character-driven stories rather than explicitly visual scenes of sexual activity. Unlike men who need nothing more than a short porn clip (or a hot girl modeling a bra in a Victoria’s Secret catalog) to get aroused, women require more of a story – and an emotional connection – to be stimulated. Proof: women account for 90 percent of sales for the romance novel industry but only two percent of porn site subscriptions.

But why?

Based on the results of this study, it seems that our sexual feelings are closely associated with the idea of the happily ever after demonstrated in all of our favorite Disney movies and chick flicks. Sex is pleasurable on its own, yes, but even our adult fantasies require something more. We need a story, context, and the idea that there is something behind the physical act to really feel aroused. Pictures and videos don’t often provide that, so women seek it out in the written word.

Do these findings translate into the real world? In my mind, yes. If women, on their own, are seeking out more than just the physical images of sex to get turned on, maybe this is just another study that proves that sex really is more fulfilling for women when it’s with someone we know and love.

Another interesting thing to note: while men primarily watch porn alone (no surprises there!), there is a large community of women discussing and dissecting online stories, especially on fan fiction websites. Yes, even something as personal as erotica is a bonding experience for women. Although the fact that women discuss the stuff they’re reading should come as no surprise judging by the tradition of weekend gossip over Sunday brunch.

Oysters, chocolate, and green M&Ms chili. No, I’m not listing off ingredients for a (seemingly disgusting) recipe; I’m listing off well-known aphrodisiacs, AKA foods that allegedly get you in the mood to get freaky with yo bad self (and your partner).

Well, get excited peeps, because there are a few new frisky foods to add to that list.

The Food Research International journal has recently published research saying that saffron and ginseng also boost sexual performance.

The professor behind the research said these natural aphrodisiacs theoretically enhance performance and libido and, because they are simply common spices, are safe to experiment with. Unlike alcohol, another aphrodisiac (the effects of which we’ve all experienced, am I right?), saffron and ginseng will not cause judgment impairment (the effects of which we’ve all unfortunately experienced, am I right?), meaning this is a fun and safe way to literally spice up your love life.

While it has yet to be determined what affect saffron in household cooking will have on your sexual desire, there is no harm in trying it out. If you’re looking to add a little somethin’ spicy to your love life, cooking a meal with saffron could do the trick, especially if you and your bed buddy cook together. (And double especially if you cook together with a bottle of wine nearby.) Paella and saffron rice are two dishes that incorporate saffron. But if you’re not feeling that ambitious or don’t even know where the grocery store is to stock up on saffron, check out your local Spanish restaurant, where saffron dishes are abundant. Bonus points for salsa dancing – if saffron in the paella doesn’t do the trick, a little Havana Nights-inspired hip thrusting definitely will.

As for ginseng, it’s slightly more difficult to use, but as it’s easily found in tea form, you can skip all the efforts of cooking and cleaning and get straight to bed. Easy peasy.

And that’s that. Will you be adding a little saffron into the mix? Have you ever felt the affects of an aphrodisiac? Share your thoughts below.

Oh, and P.S. This study also found that chocolate may not actually be an aphrodisiac and the psychological meaning of chocolate could be influencing this common belief! Yes, the chocolate companies have successfully linked their products with romance, meaning people associate them with sex, but really, pounding a bag of M&Ms (green or any other color) will only make you full.

Oh, you don't like my skirt? That makes me love you even more.

It’s a situation almost every college girl finds herself in. You’re sitting in your room, watching your news feed on the ‘Book. There’s a guy that you’re kind of interested in, but not enough to actively pursue him, when all of a sudden you see his name pop up. He’s commented on someone’s picture, so of course you click on it to read it. And the next thing you know, you’re poking around his profile, checking on his every move.

Oh! Turns out he’s going to a party on Friday that you also happen to be attending. Splendid.

You talk to him briefly at the party, both of you getting a little flirty. He’s not the smartest guy you’ve ever had witty banter with, but he’s OK. He could be worse. And then he walks away and you catch him chatting up someone else and – OMG – is she putting his hand on his back? Suddenly you’re upset.

Jealous.

You’re totally into him.

But don’t worry you’re not alone. (OK, you are alone standing there…but you’re not alone in feeling this way.) According to a new study titled, “He Loves me, He Loves Me Not… Uncertainty Can Increase Romantic Attraction,” women are more attracted to men when they can’t tell how much the men like them.

Yes, my dear friends, it’s not our fault! Uncertainty messes with our heads more than abs, dimples and the cute way he winks at you in class anything else. In the study, researchers from Virginia University and Harvard had a group of college women go onto Facebook and rate profiles of four men (which, to you, might sound like a regular Wednesday night). The catch – the women were told the guys had either expressed interest in their profile, thought they were average, or were unsure about them. The boys the women expressed the most interest in? The guys they were told weren’t sure about them.

Scary stuff, right?

And our good friend Mark Zuckerberg is only making it worse. We are now able to see who the guys we meet are talking to, whose photos they are commenting on and what events they are invited to. Whether or not we like it, we’re bombarded with this constant uncertainty, and it only makes us more interested. And potentially crazy.

The worst part of all of this? The fact that we can’t help it. It’s innate. Maybe it’s women’s constant desire to win people over, or maybe we’re more into the chase than researchers ever believed. Either way, we’re more attracted to the guy who ignores us than the guy who brings us flowers (or, more likely, buys us shots at the bar). Perhaps the best way to combat this is to form friend support groups and have our friends constantly remind us that we didn’t really like that guy to begin with. Either that or log off the computer and stop checking the social networking apps on our phones.

……

Yeah, friend support group it is.

What do you think of this study? Is it accurate? Any idea how to break the crazy cycle?

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Valentine’s Day is right around the corner which means you’re either spending way too much time debating if your not-boyfriend-boyfriend is going to take you on a date or you’ve already picked out the sweatpants you’re going to wear and the tub of ice cream you’re going to eat.

Or are you?

Our galpals over at Tressugar conducted a survey about what each gender thinks about February 14th…and some of the results might shock you!

To see even more in-depth results of their survey, click here!