“I don’t know if we should talk about this…”

“And why not? Everybody has sex!”

“Yeah, but everybody should be making love.”

“Come on, how many guys do you know making love?”

–Salt N Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”

In the past six months, I’ve had sex. I’ve been laid. I f*cked. However, it’s been a long time since I’ve made love, and I kind of miss it. Some people might argue that there’s no difference – physically, they are the same. But emotionally, passionately, and mentally, the two deeds are very different.

1. The First Time.

The first time you make love with your partner, it’s usually a very special moment. It’s often planned out in advance, especially in new relationships. There’s often sensual foreplay, and your bodies fit together perfectly.

If it’s your first time with a new partner and you’re just having sex, it may be spontaneous. Your partner may not be your boyfriend, or even your crush, and the decision to go all the way is frequently a hormonal (thanks, booze!) impulse. First time sex can be sloppy and awkward as you try to find the right position, and after everything’s said and done, it feels like there was something missing.

2. Your BAC.

I’ve heard of drunken sex, but I’ve never heard of inebriated love-making. If anyone has experienced the urban legend of wasted love-making, I’d love to hear about it.

3. The Setting.

If you’re about to copulate in a dim room filled with candles, on a bed covered with rose petals, you’re probably going to make love. If you’re going to do it in the backseat of a car, an airplane bathroom, an elevator, or another compact space that may have legal repercussions attached, it’s sex.

Al fresco sex/love-making is a grey area. Sure, sex on the beach or in the woods may sound like a fairy tale scenario, but dirt in sand in uncomfortable places can ruin the romance.

4. The Soundtrack.

Lovemaking songs include “The Fear You Won’t Fall” by Joshua Radin or “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones (or any cover version, including Mazzy Star, Jewel, or the Sundays). F*cking songs range from “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry to “Every Girl” by Lil’ Wayne. Do you really want to ride someone when the words “You f— so good I’m on top of it” blare from the stereo? Likewise, “Birthday Sex” by Jeremih is a bit tacky.

Sure, there isn’t always music playing when you’re doing it, but if you could have picked a song to illustrate last night’s mood, which would you pick?

5. The Aftermath.

Lovemaking includes mutual orgasms, followed by spooning and cuddling. If you’re in a relationship, your boyfriend’s post-sex behavior could include promptly rolling over and falling asleep, or the phrase “That was great,” despite the fact that you didn’t get off. If you’re single, you’ll take the walk of shame after a long night of sex. In those rare occasions that you’ve made love to someone without commitment, it could turn into breakfast in the morning, a few more rounds, and maybe even a new relationship.

In my opinion (and experience), it’s far more common to have sex than to make love. However, this means that when you do find yourself both emotionally and physically stimulated with a partner you care for very deeply, you appreciate the art of lovemaking so much more than that one-night stand a few months ago with whatshisname.

Any other differences between “sex” and “making love”? Share your thoughts below!

[This story was originally posted by Kathryn S.]

And of course, there are plenty more old faves where this came from.

Lesson 24: Nicholas Sparks Is Not The Author Of Your Life

If you have yet to endure the torture that is a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon, I highly suggest you look into it purely as a service to yourself. Though the sappy movies seem out of place in single girl world, they’re actually a pretty effective learning tool – of what not to do.

Nicholas Sparks, author of our favorite tear jerking, secret guilty pleasure movies, shared the formula to his book-to-movie love stories. “(Romances) are all essentially the same story: You’ve got a woman, she’s down on her luck, she meets the handsome stranger who falls desperately in love with her, but he’s got these quirks, she must change him, and they have their conflicts, and then they end up happily ever after,” Sparks said.

While the roller coaster dramas from the likes of The Notebook and Dear John work beautifully on your television screen, they don’t transfer so well into reality. Even as Sparks’ novels point out some valid points about love, like that it can happen unexpectedly or that it can change a person or it’s tendency for turbulence, it’s imperative that single girls not set a “Nicholas Sparks Standard” for their love lives.

First things first, you don’t have to be down on your luck to fall in love. Plenty of women find love when they achieve all of the goals they set for themselves, when their lives are vibrant and full without the existence of a go-to plus one. And as much as I hate to sound like your mother, people tend to be attracted to other happy people. A damsel in distress does not always a love story make. So live your life, fall in love or don’t, but don’t think that love only comes along when you need to be lifted out of a rut.

Secondly, our modern dating scene does not cater well to the idea of falling “desperately in love.” Falling in love? Yes. Desperately? Not so much. I mean, what girl these days wants to be viewed as desperate? And if single girls spend so much energy trying not to appear desperate, what makes us think that single guys would want to be portrayed that way? What with school, social lives, family, mid-college crises, nobody our age has the time to fall “desperately in love.” Though there are always exceptions, nowadays carving your initials into a tree makes way for more efficient proclamations of his love, like a quickie text in between classes.

Lastly, changing a person rarely ensures a “happily ever after.” If there’s anything The Hills has taught me, it’s that you can’t change a person. (Sure, the trials and tribulations of Lauren Conrad are not the most credible source for wisdom, but good advice nonetheless.) Love is not a permission slip to change a man. Love can change people but people can’t change people.

There will always be those girls who believe their lives will someday be a Nicholas Sparks novel and they believe it to the core because they need to. Without the “Nicholas Sparks Standard” those girls wouldn’t survive because they’re too afraid to figure out a love story mold of their own. Truly great love stories exist but that doesn’t mean they have to follow the formula of the ones that have already been written.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 23 rules of the Single Girl Society right here.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I’m sure you’ve heard this phrase and a million others about how different men and women are. There are so many differences that we rely on our favorite dudes to help us analyze boy situations and constantly debate the difference between the sexes in terms of love, sex and relationships. But the differences don’t just stop there. According to new research, men and women also differ in how they indulge their sexual curiosity.

Ogi Ogas and Sam Gaddam have been analyzing billions of web searches and found that women are more likely to seek out character-driven stories rather than explicitly visual scenes of sexual activity. Unlike men who need nothing more than a short porn clip (or a hot girl modeling a bra in a Victoria’s Secret catalog) to get aroused, women require more of a story – and an emotional connection – to be stimulated. Proof: women account for 90 percent of sales for the romance novel industry but only two percent of porn site subscriptions.

But why?

Based on the results of this study, it seems that our sexual feelings are closely associated with the idea of the happily ever after demonstrated in all of our favorite Disney movies and chick flicks. Sex is pleasurable on its own, yes, but even our adult fantasies require something more. We need a story, context, and the idea that there is something behind the physical act to really feel aroused. Pictures and videos don’t often provide that, so women seek it out in the written word.

Do these findings translate into the real world? In my mind, yes. If women, on their own, are seeking out more than just the physical images of sex to get turned on, maybe this is just another study that proves that sex really is more fulfilling for women when it’s with someone we know and love.

Another interesting thing to note: while men primarily watch porn alone (no surprises there!), there is a large community of women discussing and dissecting online stories, especially on fan fiction websites. Yes, even something as personal as erotica is a bonding experience for women. Although the fact that women discuss the stuff they’re reading should come as no surprise judging by the tradition of weekend gossip over Sunday brunch.

Oysters, chocolate, and green M&Ms chili. No, I’m not listing off ingredients for a (seemingly disgusting) recipe; I’m listing off well-known aphrodisiacs, AKA foods that allegedly get you in the mood to get freaky with yo bad self (and your partner).

Well, get excited peeps, because there are a few new frisky foods to add to that list.

The Food Research International journal has recently published research saying that saffron and ginseng also boost sexual performance.

The professor behind the research said these natural aphrodisiacs theoretically enhance performance and libido and, because they are simply common spices, are safe to experiment with. Unlike alcohol, another aphrodisiac (the effects of which we’ve all experienced, am I right?), saffron and ginseng will not cause judgment impairment (the effects of which we’ve all unfortunately experienced, am I right?), meaning this is a fun and safe way to literally spice up your love life.

While it has yet to be determined what affect saffron in household cooking will have on your sexual desire, there is no harm in trying it out. If you’re looking to add a little somethin’ spicy to your love life, cooking a meal with saffron could do the trick, especially if you and your bed buddy cook together. (And double especially if you cook together with a bottle of wine nearby.) Paella and saffron rice are two dishes that incorporate saffron. But if you’re not feeling that ambitious or don’t even know where the grocery store is to stock up on saffron, check out your local Spanish restaurant, where saffron dishes are abundant. Bonus points for salsa dancing – if saffron in the paella doesn’t do the trick, a little Havana Nights-inspired hip thrusting definitely will.

As for ginseng, it’s slightly more difficult to use, but as it’s easily found in tea form, you can skip all the efforts of cooking and cleaning and get straight to bed. Easy peasy.

And that’s that. Will you be adding a little saffron into the mix? Have you ever felt the affects of an aphrodisiac? Share your thoughts below.

Oh, and P.S. This study also found that chocolate may not actually be an aphrodisiac and the psychological meaning of chocolate could be influencing this common belief! Yes, the chocolate companies have successfully linked their products with romance, meaning people associate them with sex, but really, pounding a bag of M&Ms (green or any other color) will only make you full.

Oh, you don't like my skirt? That makes me love you even more.

It’s a situation almost every college girl finds herself in. You’re sitting in your room, watching your news feed on the ‘Book. There’s a guy that you’re kind of interested in, but not enough to actively pursue him, when all of a sudden you see his name pop up. He’s commented on someone’s picture, so of course you click on it to read it. And the next thing you know, you’re poking around his profile, checking on his every move.

Oh! Turns out he’s going to a party on Friday that you also happen to be attending. Splendid.

You talk to him briefly at the party, both of you getting a little flirty. He’s not the smartest guy you’ve ever had witty banter with, but he’s OK. He could be worse. And then he walks away and you catch him chatting up someone else and – OMG – is she putting his hand on his back? Suddenly you’re upset.

Jealous.

You’re totally into him.

But don’t worry you’re not alone. (OK, you are alone standing there…but you’re not alone in feeling this way.) According to a new study titled, “He Loves me, He Loves Me Not… Uncertainty Can Increase Romantic Attraction,” women are more attracted to men when they can’t tell how much the men like them.

Yes, my dear friends, it’s not our fault! Uncertainty messes with our heads more than abs, dimples and the cute way he winks at you in class anything else. In the study, researchers from Virginia University and Harvard had a group of college women go onto Facebook and rate profiles of four men (which, to you, might sound like a regular Wednesday night). The catch – the women were told the guys had either expressed interest in their profile, thought they were average, or were unsure about them. The boys the women expressed the most interest in? The guys they were told weren’t sure about them.

Scary stuff, right?

And our good friend Mark Zuckerberg is only making it worse. We are now able to see who the guys we meet are talking to, whose photos they are commenting on and what events they are invited to. Whether or not we like it, we’re bombarded with this constant uncertainty, and it only makes us more interested. And potentially crazy.

The worst part of all of this? The fact that we can’t help it. It’s innate. Maybe it’s women’s constant desire to win people over, or maybe we’re more into the chase than researchers ever believed. Either way, we’re more attracted to the guy who ignores us than the guy who brings us flowers (or, more likely, buys us shots at the bar). Perhaps the best way to combat this is to form friend support groups and have our friends constantly remind us that we didn’t really like that guy to begin with. Either that or log off the computer and stop checking the social networking apps on our phones.

……

Yeah, friend support group it is.

What do you think of this study? Is it accurate? Any idea how to break the crazy cycle?

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Or are you?

Our galpals over at Tressugar conducted a survey about what each gender thinks about February 14th…and some of the results might shock you!

To see even more in-depth results of their survey, click here!

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The first time I read this headline, I thought it was referring to celebrity breakup reactions and I’m like “OMG, someone else has clinical troubles when a quality celebrity couple break up“. Then I realized it was referring to your own breakup. Which is probably a lot more useful since most people didn’t call in sick to work when Reese and Ryan called it off. We all know what NOT to do after a breakup (like poop in your ex’s car), it’s not as clear as what you can do.

Intruigued? Here’s the official list.

Yes, it’s a little nauseating, but come on; everyone’s looking for a little love come holiday time.

But what makes a good love? A rugged jaw, some tight abs and some sparkling baby blues wouldn’t hurt, but when you get down to it, those are only an added bonus. The shiny gold bangle to your already perfect LBD. The truth is, there are way more important things every guy’s gotta have if he wants the honor of calling us his GF. And no, Pauly D, having a 25-minute daily hair regimen is not one of them.

So here are the 5 things we’re looking for when it comes to finding a boyf.

Makeout Skills:
Let’s be honest – no matter how much you love someone, no boyfriend can reach perfect status if there isn’t any chemistry, and chemistry simply can’t exist if the guy is sucking your nose off. Or licking your gums. Or drooling on your chin. A good boyfriend must have kissing mastered. And that means a variety, people. Sometimes we’re totally into a slow, romantic kiss, while other times we want to go at it like were in junior high and our parents could walk in any minute.

A Job
Of course the shallow reasons hold true; we can’t help it, we’re girls. When we decide to date just one guy, we want to know he can take us out to dinner and a movie every once in a while. We’re not asking for diamond rings, but a gift on Christmas and birthdays is pretty much necessary (call it superficial, but when Christmas rolls around again and all you get is another card, you won’t be happy). But beyond the material things, holding a job is usually a good sign of character. Chances are he’s up before noon, has a good work ethic and has a future beyond his mom’s couch.

A Sense of Humor
The physical attraction is only going to keep us interested for so long. Especially when he starts opting for cheeseburgers instead of trips to the gym and that 6-pack begins to soften up a bit. So there obviously has to be things about his personality that have us coming back for more. And while being compassionate or hardworking or loads of fun is important, more often than not it’s the guy with the good sense of humor that hooks us. We want someone who will make us laugh so hard we pee once in awhile. That’s normal, right?

An Equal Desire for Fun and Romance
There are some nights where we just want to get into our sweats and cuddle on the couch watching movies all night. But the next night we’re ready to slip into some heels and go out dancing. A good boyfriend also has this desire (to party…not slip into a pair of heels). We don’t want a boyfriend who wants to sit home all the time, but someone who is out every night of the week is no good either. It’s all about balance (and/or a mutual respect for all things Gaga).

Love for My Dog
Sorry, but before he came along my pooch was the one snuggling up next to me at night, sharing my dinner and watching TV curled up with on the couch. If you don’t love my dog as much as I do, it’s just not going to work out. Plus, a guy who doesn’t love animals is missing a piece of his heart… if he even has one.

What else do you guys think a good boyfriend must have?