In the segment, to be broadcast on Friday, January 2nd at 10 pm, Tamra Larter says that she spent part of her labor for her second child making out with her husband! “The physical touch and the nurturing was just really comforting to me,” she said, “[The birth] was happening, and I could hardly breathe, and it was like, ‘oh, that feels good.’”

Um. Ew?

Dr. Christiane Northrup, OB-GYN, was interviewed by 20/20 and reported that it is possible to experience orgasmic childbirth, according to “basic science.” She says, “When the baby’s coming down the birth canal, remember, it’s going through the exact same positions as something going in, the penis going into the vagina, to cause an orgasm.”

With all due respect to Dr. Northrup, I’m not buying it. And I think it’s great that Ms. Larter was able to get it on during labor (Sidenote: what’s her kid gonna think when he reads that ten years from now?), but either she has a really, really high threshold for pain, a really big va-jay-jay, or they must have slipped her the epidural without telling her. Also, if your baby gives you an orgasm, isn’t that moderately incestual? Just sayin’.

I have no children at the moment, and I have never given birth, so I guess you could say, “don’t knock it till you try it.” But I believe childbirth may be the one thing that you really don’t have to try to knock.  So, here are just a few reasons why I’m not expecting childbirth to be orgasmic:

1. An eight-pound baby is way bigger than a penis.

It’s true that the kid will be coming out the same way his daddy’s manhood went in, but even if that dad were Ron Jeremy (ew, btw), the biggest penis in the world couldn’t possibly compare to the size and weight of a healthy newborn.

2. Empirical evidence suggests that sh*t hurts.

Again, if we’re talking about “basic science” here, let’s look at the evidence. I’m sure most girls have, at one point or another, spoken to their moms or trusted female adult about childbirth, what it’s like, and how it works. We had to find out about it somehow. And as the oldest of three children, I saw my mother go through two pregnancies. Let me tell you, it was not a great endorsement for procreation. Aside from the fact that “morning sickness” turned into “chronic nine-month vomiting” for her, she said giving birth was no cakewalk, either. I just called her to tell her about this story and see what her reaction was to the idea of “orgasmic childbirth,” and she said, “Those women are definitely on drugs.” How’s that for a primary source of evidence?

3. The sitting position of childbirth cannot be comfortable.

If the bed that they put you in is anything like those tables they put you on at the gyno’s office, it can’t be that comfortable. There’s no way I’d be having any sort of orgasm with my legs strapped to stirrups that high in the air and my back on a cold, hard slanted surface. Nope.

4. Too many hormones make me crazy, not excited.

Dr. Northrup also mentioned that “labor itself is associated with a huge hormonal change in the body, way more prolactin, way more oxytocin, way more beta-endorphins.” Sure, endorphins make you feel awesome, but too much of a good thing is usually not a good idea. Even when it gets to be that time of the month, we all get a little bit irrational. So with an event as hormonal as giving birth–even if I had every lower-body-numbing-shot in the doctor’s repetoire–I still think I’d be too loopy to enjoy the process. And with a natural birth, I can just imagine wanting to tear off the heads of everyone in the room. It won’t be a pretty sight.

5. I’m going to look like a hot mess.

No way I’ll be having an orgasm in a hospital robe with my sweaty hair plastered to my neck and forehead. Unless Victoria’s Secret comes out with a childbirth-attire line, I will probably be feeling about as sexy as I do after leaving the gym. The mood has got to be right for an orgasm, and that includes having the right setting and presentation. I’m not saying I need a silk bed of roses or anything, but when I’m feeling sticky and tired, it’s just not gonna happen.

As you fidget with the keys to your house you begin to think to yourself, this guy is too good to be true. There must be something wrong with him. Right? But what could it be? Bad in bed? Weird rash? Miniscule manhood?

Not that it matters – it’s the motion in the ocean, right? Well, now you can know exactly what you are dealing with…down there. Yes, ladies, someone has done the unthinkable: they took a condom and a ruler and put it all together into one handy dandy little (or, if you’re lucky, big) package.

Because you have always wondered if your man really was 8 inches, but never knew how to measure. (Note: breaking out a ruler while he’s asleep is never a good idea.) Because you never knew what 6 inches really looked like. Because you like to compare your conquests with those of your friends.

And because, well, it’s just sorta funny.

Not only do these condoms com with 14 inches of measuring fun (you never know when you are gonna meet Ron Jeremy), but they also come in lots of fun flavors. Papito Banana anyone?

I mean, in America, the stereotypical retiree will move down to Florida to spend their time lounging by the pool in a gated community or playing a few holes on the golf course. Lame. In Japan, adult films for senior citizens, aka “elderly porn” is growing into quite the profitable franchise, according to porn producing giant Ruby Productions.

While America’s economy is declining, many entertainment venues (including golf courses) are taking a hit. In Japan, at least one retiree is cashing in on the entertainment biz. Shigeo Tokuda, 73, is the Ron Jeremy of elderly porn.

CNN correspondent Kyung Lah describes Tokuda as “the star of his movies in every way, romancing his co-stars, no matter their age, no matter their needs.” And apparently, his films are no-holds-barred, much like anything Jenna Jameson has appeared in.

This human interest story might come as a shock to American citizens, but as a nation, Japan is home to the world’s highest percentage of people over 65. Who says the greater populace can’t have a little fun? Tokuda isn’t some pervy old man, either. He’s been married for forty-four years, and his wife supports his new career path. Lah reports that he’s a polite and humble man, and though it’s not easy to watch Tokuda’s raunchy scenes, “it’s a little like watching your grandfather in a situation you never dared to dream.” Aww, that’s sweet. Or creepy.

In any case, Tokuda can be considered a retirement legend. I’m sure there’s plenty of guys half- or one-third his age who would love to achieve such celebrity status. And if he can chase his dreams at 73, I can’t wait for my own retirement.