If you just started seeing someone new, chances are your relationship is going to go through some stages. These stages happen in almost every relationship (I don’t have a PhD in relationships or anything, I’m just going by my own experiences). So here are some stages that you and your new bf or gf will probably go through. And if you don’t, your relationship will probably end in a terrible break-up that has you eating a gallon of ice cream every day for a week (just kidding…you’ll only eat a gallon the first break-up night).

1. Butterflies and rainbows

So you two just started dating, and obviously everything is perfect. You want to spend every minute with each other and you can’t keep your hands off each other. You’ve forgotten who your friends are because you haven’t seen them in a week; you’re too busy being complimented on how perfect you are. Read More »

The time has come to put away the self tanner and slow down the fist pumping. Tonight is the season finale of Jersey Shore. Waaaaah (Snooki voice). Season 3 of everyone’s guilty pleasure has brought us a lot of drama, a lot of toilet issues (from Deena’s constipation to JWoww’s public urination to Ronnie’s bowel movements on steroids), and a LOT of smushing.

Which makes me wonder…

The gorillas of the shore house obviously get it in with a lot of grenades chicks, but are they any good? I mean, get past the abs (Pauly/Sitch), the arms (RonRon) and the giant cannoli (Vinny) – do these boys really know how to please a lady? I mean, Ronnie’s got to be good; why else would Sam keep coming back for more? And Vinny’s obviously got something going on to leave Snooks in tears. But what about Sitch? Or Pauly? With all that practice, they’ve got to know what they’re doing, right? Read More »

Other than, “OH YEAH, EVERGLADES, YEAH” it was really difficult for me to take anything away from last night’s episode of Jersey Shore. Are we seriously dealing with a finale right now? I would’ve rather been watching South Park’s ripoff of the Jersey cast…. a la beast Snooki screaming “SNOOKI WANT SMOOSH SMOOSH!”

Seriously, the Everglades? How funny is it to confuse a crocodile with an alligator? Although I will admit the added dinosaur noises (and I don’t mean the ones coming from Sammi) to the whole Everglades event with the alligator attacking the airboat were amusing. And I don’t doubt that the bugs are bigger than Snooki….

And then the crew headed back for South Beach, after the frog-legs incident, and things took a turn for the boring. Read More »

We had many, many thoughts going into this episode. Many questions about how the Snooki/Angelina throwdown would go down. Questions on if Tee-Shirt time would make another appearance (it did). Questions if Pauly would, yet again, be a human alarm clock with a crazy Kool-Aid man “OH YEAHHHH!” voice (he was). As the episode started up, we only had one burning question in mind, 25 minutes in:

WHERE IS SNOOKI?

MTV, you threw a lot at us this episode. A lot. So much that I was actually compelled to watch the After Show, wondering how to steal the host’s job. Let’s break this episode down by the major events.

PART I: The Situation Gets Punched by a Girl (again) and Bangs a Canadian, eh?
Angelina socks The Situation in the face and JWoww has a heart-to-heart with her since they can now bond over the common ground about punching Sitch in the face. WTF, Jenni? We miss your ‘roid rage. Situation reiterates that he’s the glue/leader of the shore crew and reminds us all that Angelina sucks. He moves his frustration to the club Karma/Kantra/Krib or whatever it was, and brings along some Canadian girl who’s a real handful in the sack and on the dance floor, fighting women off her man’s abs. Vinny makes some Canadian joke aboot the girl and Nutella and the crew all listens to them scream and moan in the smush room. (Seriously, that ish was loud.) Read More »

Okay, when did the Jersey Shore become about heartfelt “feelings” and “emotions” instead of bar fights, beating the beat and smushing? SERIOUSLY. Thank goodness we had MVP running a very serious game plan last night about how they were going to maneuver three girls and a grenade to get us through the hour. The Situation stepping up to the role as commander and directing his men to deal with the “hippopotamus” was disgusting, yes, but also the heart of why we love the Jersey Shore.

Let’s step it up a bit, though; even the Real Housewives of NJ have more fire in their bellies than the J. Shore kids these days. We need more excitement. More humor. Come on! Don’t make me put JWoww and Teresa Giudice in the same room.

Not that there wasn’t a lot going on last night. There was that (connived?) drama caused by Sam and Ron and a little type-written note by JWoww and Snookie. (Or, as Ron likes to refer to her, Shnookie. How does he still not know her name?) The girls wanted to tell Sam that Ron’s being a dirtbag but they don’t want to upset the house dynamic so, you know, they decided sneaking around and lying was the way to go. Because Sam will never turn on the TV find out, right? Of course, when the bomb (read: Scary Sammi and Roid Rage Ronnie) blew up, the only one who owned up to Ron doing everything listed on the note was The Situation, imparting the great wisdom, “It’s funny because it’s true.”

Which pretty much sums up why we all watch this terrible, trainwreck of humanity. And we just can’t look away. every. single. week. Read More »

Guess who decided to up and pull a diva move?  No, Mariah Carey isn’t castrating an intern for bringing her flat water instead of sparking (though, probably she is).  It’s those darn Jersey Shore kids!  Rumor has it that before the second season has even premiered, they’re fighting for salary raises, refusing to do a third season unless their demands are met.  That name brand hair gel must really cost a lot.

Well you know what?  I don’t think MTV should give in to the whims of these petulant guidos and guidettes.  I mean, why are they even famous in the first place?  It’s time to get the real stars “down the shore”.  Bring in the spray tan guns, I’ve got some replacements!

Pam Anderson as JWOWW

This would work for two really big reasons.  No, not those reasons.  First, both Pam and J are tough as nails.  Would you want to run into either of them in a dark alley or under the boardwalk?  These biatches would grab you by the extensions like your head was the last sparkle tee at a Bebe sale.  Second, I’m pretty sure they’re the only two women on the planet who think they’d make good fashion designers.  Yes, Pammy and Ms.Woww both have clothing lines.

Brody Jenner as Vinny

“Ma, my chicken parm needs cuttin’!  And bring me a little more ziti!”  Switching from one mama’s boy to another, Brody wouldn’t skip a beat subbing in for Vinny.  They’re both funny, charismatic, and popular with the ladies.  Plus, maybe it’s just me, but I think the Bro is a significant visual upgrade.

Foxy Cleopatra as Snooki

Yes, that’s right.  Nicole Richie’s beloved Pomeranian, Foxy Cleopatra, would make the absolute perfect Snooki replacement.  Not only could MTV get her in on a lower pay grade, but I bet she’d be loyal as a dog to the show.  It would be remiss to hire someone who wasn’t equally as orange-tinted and poof-y as the original star.

Lou Ferrigno as Ronnie

They’re both huge.  The similarities really stop there, but there’s not much else to work with.

Danielle Staub as Angelina

Okay, tell me Danielle wouldn’t give her left boob implant to be a twenty-something again living it up down the shore with an entourage of juiceheads.  And Angelina, who goes by “Jolie”, lives in an alternate reality, much like the most-loathed Housewife of NJ.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re the same home-wrecking, fame-whoring person.

Kristen Stewart as Sammi

Aww, but Sammi’s just a sweetheart, right?  Wrong!  She’s a mean, unsmiling little brat just like K-Stew.  The only time you’ll notice the switch is when Kristen’s on the beach slathered in SPF 150 hiding under an umbrella in long sleeves.  Don’t want to lose that deathly pallor.

Doug Reinhardt as Mike “The Situation”

They both really, really like themselves.  Seriously, why else would they each need their own “official” website?  Ooh, look: Doug describes himself as an “athlete and entrepreneur” while the Situation prefers to operate as someone who “knows what he wants from his summer at the Jersey Shore and is not going to let anything stop him from getting it”.  Well now!

Samantha Ronson as Pauly D

They both have mad DJing skills and horrific hair.  Not to mention the ladies love ‘em!

They can write?!

The first ‘Jersey Shore’ book has been announced, and we’re sad to say it won’t be Snooki’s tell-all.

‘Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore’ will come courtesy of cast members Jenni ‘J-WOWW’ Farley and Ronnie ‘No Fancy Nickname for Me’ Ortiz-Magrow. Entertainment Weekly describes the book-to-be as “a Guido guide on how to maintain that distinctive Jersey Shore look and attitude.”

Who’s backing this thing? And who else is writing over there in Seaside Heights? Read the rest here.

Looks like MTV has got themselves a Situation.

The fist-pumping “guidos” and “guidettes” of the overnight sensation Jersey Shore are demanding more money for a second season of GTL and hair-poufing.  But wait a sec! Is MTV actually threatening to replace them with new overly muscular guys and shiny orange girls?

The answer is yes. According to TMZ, the network has offered each star $10,000 per episode for the second season and it’s not enough for our favorite juice-heads. I can totally see why; not only are gym memberships and tanning packages expensive, but these kids made a lot of money for MTV and they know it. Now that they’re so big (even Leo DiCaprio knows what GTL is!), they are in a position of power and can demand a whole lot more.

Or so they think.
Rumor has it, if our little Guidos don’t agree to the deal MTV will be replacing them. Read More »

Tonight is the season finale of the Jersey Shore.

Let’s all take a moment of silence.

In preparation for this tragic ending I am beginning to practice the coping skills I learned from my therapist to use when dealing with a break-up.  Because this is a break-up. A really painful one.

You see my relationship with The Jersey Shore began like any other meaningful relationship.  I saw a preview and was interested.  I didn’t know exactly what it would offer me, but it seemed attractive enough for me to find out.  I committed to the first episode and was anxious to see how things would go, just like any first date.  By the end…I was hooked.

I am the first to admit my own psychosis…I became a stage five clinger.  I stalked The Jersey Shore by watching YouTube clips, looking for trailers, anything I could.  Our relationship blossomed as I became more and more intrigued with each character and I felt as if I actually lived in the house and could call the Duck Phone my own.  I found myself referring to the characters and constantly contributing my input to their lives.  “Did you SEE that girl The Situation brought home? Even he could do better than that!”

Read More »

Cha CHING

I promised myself I would not fall head over heels for fist pumping and barber shop outings, but as quickly as you can say “duck phone” I was couldn’t stop watching Pauly D burn coal in a gas grill.  Thus opening the doors for a new guilty pleasure to enter my life, formally known as the Jersey Shore.  I’m as confused as you are. If you asked me a month ago if I would be constructing my Guido name on Facebook, I would have told you to go smush yourself.

I’m not the only one smitten for Jersey Shore.  America has fallen in love with the guidettes and Guidos so deeply that 2.1 million people tuned in for the second episode.   Tanning package well spent, Snooki.  Vinny also just (drunkenly, I’m sure) leaked that the show will be coming back for another season of sweatbands and fist pumping in Seaside Heights, and the original cast members won’t be going anywhere. Except to battle it out on the dance floor, that is. And when they do, they’ll be making bank.

As in $30,000! Read More »