It’s the summer after you’ve graduated high school. You’ve finished your exams. You’ve finished the college application process. You have your diploma, you’ve taken the pictures in the cap and gown and you finally decided on a college. So now all you want to do is kick back and relax and enjoy an entire summer free of responsibility and full of hanging with your friends before you each go your separate ways to start some new adventures.

Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. I was there four short years ago. And because I’ve been there already I know what comes next. So I thought I’d give you a little advice. Because all those papers that came along with your acceptance letter, they weren’t there just to stuff the envelope. Starting college involves a lot more than checking off the box next to “I will attend.” So here are a few things to keep in mind.

1. Send in a picture for your id. Chances are you already have a form telling you how to do this. So send in the picture. And make it a good one. One you like. One you won’t regret four months later, or better yet, four years later, when you’re a senior using an id that looks nothing like you because you no longer have pink hair.

2. Activate your college e-mail address. Again you were probably sent a whole bunch of papers when you sent in your acceptance . One of them probably tells you how to activate your e-mail. Do that. So you’ll get all those e-mails different offices will no doubt be sending you. And so you can join your school’s Facebook network.

3. Get in touch with your roommate. So it’s not an awkward first meeting on move in day. So you know what you’re getting into. And so you don’t end up with two refrigerators and no microwave. Plan ladies, and plan well.

4. Check the parking policies. Find out if your campus allows freshman to bring cars on campus. And if they do, find out if you have to pay for your parking pass. And then sign up for a parking pass. If you have a car, that is.

5. Check and double check that move in date. Season four. Episode one of Gilmore Girls. Rory wrote the wrong date down. Chaos ensued.

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It’s SAT season and you know what that means: high school juniors are buckling down and getting ready to take “the most important test of their lives,” the test that will determine whether or not they get into college, the test that will supposedly predict how well they will do there. Now, I don’t know about you ladies, but as a seasoned college student I have to say I think that is a load of ridiculous. I mean vocabulary and problem solving and knowing who the Kardashians are is all well and good, but is it really an accurate portrayal of how a student will do in college?

No. It’s most definitely not.

So we thought we’d help College Board and all those other important SAT people out by offering them a few alternative SAT questions. Real life questions, the kind of questions that college students may encounter on any give college day…

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…

(A) Four (B) Floor (C) Bed (D) Death

2. Beer goggles is a commonly used college expression. Explain the meaning of this phrase and then use it in a sentence.

3. A walk of shame is:

(A) Walking into class after said class has started (B) Walking home during the early hours of the morning in last night’s clothes after spending said night in with a guy (C) Tripping while walking in high heels

4. A steak dinner is to real life as ____ is to college life.

(A) cafeteria food (B) Ramen noodles (C) Chef Boyardee

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[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!

Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“My breasts are like bass drums. Actually, one of them’s bigger than the other, so I guess they’re more like timpani.”

“Hello, Mr. T-Rex. So, you’re a dinosaur. What’s your favorite color?”

“… Blllluuue.”

“And what’s your favorite movie?”

“Space Jam.

“How’s it look?”

“The audience is rubbing themselves vigorously. Showtime.”

“I don’t understand how pandas could ever become extinct. They’re so cute! Nothing has the heart to eat them.”

“They’re all in jail. Tax fraud. The poor things can’t read, you know.”

“Motors… they’re like hearts. And you need your heart to play kickball.”

“The apartment will be fine. We’ll just all squeeze into the same bed.”

“You’ll need to start masturbating less.”

“Like I said: it’ll be fine.” Read More »

School is approaching, and as returning sophomores, juniors and seniors, many already know what that means. But you incoming freshmen, giddy with excitement, you probably can’t stop thinking about what adventures there are to be had on the quad, throwing Frisbees and crap. You probably don’t know what to do with yourselves during your last week in your ‘stupid, boring town.’

Let me help.

I don’t want to make college sound like incarceration, and indeed the possibilities for fun are numerous, but there many things that definitely will not happen once you arrive on campus. Here are things you should enjoy in your last week at home.

1) Quiet Time

College is noisy as balls. Normal dorms are noisy, quiet dorms are noisy, the library is noisy. The only guaranteed silence you may have at your disposal is if you’re a music student with access to sound proof booths. Everyone has speakers and they all want to share their music with you! So in your last week of boring old home, just sit outside (or in your room if outside is noisy), close your eyes, and enjoy the sound of absolutely nothing. It is soon to be replaced with ‘WOOOOOO’ and “seriously let me in I need to PEE.”

2) Food without chemicals

I would say ‘good old home cookin’ but who knows if you enjoy that. The real point here is that the food you eat on campus, while edible and in a lot of cases yummy, has a certain…difference. I don’t know if it’s a laxative, or sedative to keep students in line, but something is in the food. It’s not dangerous but it will make you take dumps 20 minutes after every meal, on the dot. The regularity is nice, but also a little worrisome. Read More »