[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!

Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“My breasts are like bass drums. Actually, one of them’s bigger than the other, so I guess they’re more like timpani.”

“Hello, Mr. T-Rex. So, you’re a dinosaur. What’s your favorite color?”

“… Blllluuue.”

“And what’s your favorite movie?”

“Space Jam.

“How’s it look?”

“The audience is rubbing themselves vigorously. Showtime.”

“I don’t understand how pandas could ever become extinct. They’re so cute! Nothing has the heart to eat them.”

“They’re all in jail. Tax fraud. The poor things can’t read, you know.”

“Motors… they’re like hearts. And you need your heart to play kickball.”

“The apartment will be fine. We’ll just all squeeze into the same bed.”

“You’ll need to start masturbating less.”

“Like I said: it’ll be fine.” Read More »

School is approaching, and as returning sophomores, juniors and seniors, many already know what that means. But you incoming freshmen, giddy with excitement, you probably can’t stop thinking about what adventures there are to be had on the quad, throwing Frisbees and crap. You probably don’t know what to do with yourselves during your last week in your ‘stupid, boring town.’

Let me help.

I don’t want to make college sound like incarceration, and indeed the possibilities for fun are numerous, but there many things that definitely will not happen once you arrive on campus. Here are things you should enjoy in your last week at home.

1) Quiet Time

College is noisy as balls. Normal dorms are noisy, quiet dorms are noisy, the library is noisy. The only guaranteed silence you may have at your disposal is if you’re a music student with access to sound proof booths. Everyone has speakers and they all want to share their music with you! So in your last week of boring old home, just sit outside (or in your room if outside is noisy), close your eyes, and enjoy the sound of absolutely nothing. It is soon to be replaced with ‘WOOOOOO’ and “seriously let me in I need to PEE.”

2) Food without chemicals

I would say ‘good old home cookin’ but who knows if you enjoy that. The real point here is that the food you eat on campus, while edible and in a lot of cases yummy, has a certain…difference. I don’t know if it’s a laxative, or sedative to keep students in line, but something is in the food. It’s not dangerous but it will make you take dumps 20 minutes after every meal, on the dot. The regularity is nice, but also a little worrisome. Read More »