How to get the most out of Greek life

5 easy ways to keep cash in your wallet this summer

Important questions to ask your future roommate before you move in

How to take back your bedroom for the summer break

Why your love life and finances are related

Some lesser known drinking games you need to try

The playlist you need for this summer

Why being back home is not all fun and games

Should you use a backpack in college??

How to deal with work screw ups

No. It’s most definitely not.

So we thought we’d help College Board and all those other important SAT people out by offering them a few alternative SAT questions. Real life questions, the kind of questions that college students may encounter on any give college day…

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…

(A) Four (B) Floor (C) Bed (D) Death

2. Beer goggles is a commonly used college expression. Explain the meaning of this phrase and then use it in a sentence.

3. A walk of shame is:

(A) Walking into class after said class has started (B) Walking home during the early hours of the morning in last night’s clothes after spending said night in with a guy (C) Tripping while walking in high heels

4. A steak dinner is to real life as ____ is to college life.

(A) cafeteria food (B) Ramen noodles (C) Chef Boyardee

5. Finals week will most likely be spent:

(A) in the library (B) studying (C) on Facebook (D) Both A and C

6.  In college your dating life changes. It’s far less likely that a guy asks you to hang out after class or go to a football game with him, and far more likely that he propositions you at a party. But there is an alternative. Explain the concepts of friends with benefits. Then discuss the pros and cons of such an agreement.

7. Your roommate asks to borrow your favorite sweater. Not only is it too small for her, but she also has a habit of returning items she borrows unwashed. Explain how to get out of such a situation without starting a roommate war.

8. Name six of CollegeCandy’s ten ways to drink a beer.

9. The best reason to drop a class is:

(A) It’s at 7 a.m. (B) The professor has terrible reviews (C) It’s on a Friday (D) All of the above

10.  Name some college stereotypes. Which will you be? Why?

Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“My breasts are like bass drums. Actually, one of them’s bigger than the other, so I guess they’re more like timpani.”

“Hello, Mr. T-Rex. So, you’re a dinosaur. What’s your favorite color?”

“… Blllluuue.”

“And what’s your favorite movie?”

“Space Jam.

“How’s it look?”

“The audience is rubbing themselves vigorously. Showtime.”

“I don’t understand how pandas could ever become extinct. They’re so cute! Nothing has the heart to eat them.”

“They’re all in jail. Tax fraud. The poor things can’t read, you know.”

“Motors… they’re like hearts. And you need your heart to play kickball.”

“The apartment will be fine. We’ll just all squeeze into the same bed.”

“You’ll need to start masturbating less.”

“Like I said: it’ll be fine.”

“So – the snake’s talked to Eve, and now God’s talking to the snake. What does this mean?”

“… God’s a Parseltongue?”

“The internship hasn’t been bad so far. Boring, I guess. I do a lot of stapling, paper-clipping, copying, stuff like that. And when I tried to leave early, my boss chained me to the desk.”

“Well… is she hot?”

“Vodka, cranberry juice and cooked spaghetti? This isn’t a shot! You’re bulls***ing me.”

“No! Okay, yes.”

“Next year? Honestly, I’d like to go somewhere where they’re friendly to tourists, you know, where they speak my language.”

“Well, I assure you that all of the animals in Narnia are fluent in English.”

“I had a dream where… where I bought an Orange Julius, and it cost like ten dollars, and it was terrible. God, I’m so glad you woke me up.”

“Yeah, that sounds terrifying. I just dreamed about the zombie apocalypse.”

“Okay, Cardinals over here, Steelers over here, we’ll each have our own drinks, game music, it’ll be great. You ready? What team are you rooting for?”

“Can I cheer for the stadium maintenance staff?”

Let me help.

I don’t want to make college sound like incarceration, and indeed the possibilities for fun are numerous, but there many things that definitely will not happen once you arrive on campus. Here are things you should enjoy in your last week at home.

1) Quiet Time

College is noisy as balls. Normal dorms are noisy, quiet dorms are noisy, the library is noisy. The only guaranteed silence you may have at your disposal is if you’re a music student with access to sound proof booths. Everyone has speakers and they all want to share their music with you! So in your last week of boring old home, just sit outside (or in your room if outside is noisy), close your eyes, and enjoy the sound of absolutely nothing. It is soon to be replaced with ‘WOOOOOO’ and “seriously let me in I need to PEE.”

2) Food without chemicals

I would say ‘good old home cookin’ but who knows if you enjoy that. The real point here is that the food you eat on campus, while edible and in a lot of cases yummy, has a certain…difference. I don’t know if it’s a laxative, or sedative to keep students in line, but something is in the food. It’s not dangerous but it will make you take dumps 20 minutes after every meal, on the dot. The regularity is nice, but also a little worrisome.

3) Free laundry / Maid service

Your mommy ain’t comin’ with ya. So get all that free laundry and labor in while you can, because in a week you will learn exactly how much your parents do for you. (Hint, it’s a lot). Enjoy walking barefoot on carpet without having your foot caked in human hair, cookie crumbs, and other various and disgusting particles.

4) Uninterrupted sleep

“HEY ARE YOU AWAKE?” Your drunken roommate will scream as they ‘sneak’ into your shared room. “I AM DRUNK.” You will have plenty of chances to sleep in at college but sleeping for long periods without being woken up by spontaneous parties or even worse, the drunk hookup (where they think, in their drunkenness, that you are asleep), is not really an option.

5) Sharing is caring

Living with people means sharing. Hell, even if you get a single, chances are you’re going to be sharing a bathroom, a common room and general living spaces with all types of different people. Enjoy watching your own TV, having your own fridge (sort of), and not being asked every time you leave your room if someone can borrow your stapler, use your printer, or have some pens.

[How are YOU spending your last week of peace?]