You know what they say about a big shofar....

Every single January 1^st, I swear that I’m going to start regularly exercising and watching less TV. But somewhere around January 3^rd, I always find myself back on the couch, eating kettle chips by the handful and staring slack-jawed at yet another Top Model marathon.

Of course, I’m not alone. Research shows that a full third of all New Year’s resolutions are broken during the first week of January. Luckily, I’m going to get another chance to make a fresh start tonight.

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. When the sun goes down, other Members of the Tribe and I will be drinking wine, eating apples and honey, and making a second set of promises about how we intend to act in the year 5770.

Here’s my preliminary list of Jewish New Year’s Resolutions. I’m going to keep them this year. I swear:

- I will buy all of my clothes on sale, then immediately call my mom to tell her what a good deal they were.

- Speaking of Mom—this year, I will guilt trip her instead of the other way around.

- And I will try not to get pissed when she tries to insinuate for the 1,408,225th time that I should apply to law school next year.

- I will eat fewer cheeseburgers. But I’ll also eat more grilled cheese sandwiches and hamburgers to make up the difference. Not together, obvi.

- When my dad sends an email to inform me he’s discovered that someone famous is Jewish, I will reply by saying “haha!” or “OY!” instead of rolling my eyes and ignoring it.

- I will not get wasted at my little cousin’s open-bar Bar Mitzvah.

- I will also suppress my giggles when my cousin’s voice cracks as he’s reciting his haftarah portion.

- I will actually light Hanukkah candles all eight nights of the holiday, even though we’re technically not allowed to have candles in my dorm.

- I will watch more Woody Allen movies and read more Phillip Roth novels.

- I will not skip class by claiming that I have to observe some obscure Jewish holiday (Tu B’shvat, anyone?).

- When I walk across campus, past pro-Israel protestors standing on one side of the lawn and anti-Israel protestors standing on the other side, I will bite my tongue and keep walking.

Want to jump on the new-New Year’s Resolutions bandwagon? Write your resolutions in the comments. Happy New Year!

I just don’t know if 2 days is enough for me.

Being that I have such a public forum at my disposal, I thought I would go the extra mile this year and clear my slate of sins before I even step foot into synagogue this evening. So, without further adieu, here are my apologies. Please forgive:

- I am sorry for doubting the Wolverines and their ability to have a KILLER comeback in a football game.

- I am sorry that I called that girl a bitch in the bathroom because she refused to pass me toilet paper under the stall.

- I am sorry for all those times I cut people off while driving; I thought I had more important places to be than them, but I now realize that getting home in time for Oprah is really not important at all (mostly because I have DVR).

- I am sorry for talking badly behind people’s backs all year. I am also sorry that I will do it again next year.

- I am sorry for stealing internet from you, upstairs neighbor. But you should be sorry for waking me up at 6am on weekends while having (LOUD) sex with your boyfriend.

- I am sorry for this.

God I love this holiday. The apples and honey, the family meals, and the fact that all my wrong doings can be erased simply by asking. I can see why Lindsay Lohan wants to be a jew.

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